Paula Jo

Tuesday this last week marked an important occasion in my life: my dear mother's birthday. I tried to look for a card that would say what I wanted so desperately to tell her, but everything fell flat. I couldn't even find a good gift for her birthday. I was feeling rather discouraged, and so, as I often do, I sat down to write. I had originally intended to write a letter to her and try and say everything that I wanted to, but I kept getting interrupted and it wasn't flowing quite the way that I wanted it to.
The hard thing about writing to one's mom is that everything that you say, no matter how sincerely felt and meant, sounds like a cheesy Hallmark card. No matter how badly you want to tell her how much she means to you, its hard to fight past the cliche and actually say what you mean.
For example, I want to say thank you. But I can't just say "thank you", because even though that encompasses a vast myriad of situations, endless selfless giving on her part, and too many words of encouragement to count when I say it, there's a flatness to it that sounds so trite. The truth is that I am just so stinkin' blessed to have her as my mom, but even that doesn't begin to describe how I feel or how incredible she is to have in my life.
I was talking to my patient the other day about all the teachers that he has had and I got to tell him that I only had one. He was amazed when I explained that my mom was my only teacher. When I said that though, it got me to thinking and I realized how much she really did teach me. My Mom not only taught me school for grades K-12, which is a pretty daunting task, but I use so many other household skills that she taught me every day.
It seems sorta silly, but cooking is a lost art that my mom imparted me with not only a thorough knowledge of, but also a good healthy love for. I can proudly say that I can improvise, follow recipes, make passable homemade bread, and wow people with all the amazing recipes that she has passed on. She also taught me how to sew, another lost art, and passed on a respect for making things ones self. She loved making creative things for our birthdays every year, and used to delight in staying up late to put the finishing touches on a new church dress so I could wear it the next day. I'm still not great at sewing, but cross stitch, embroidery, and crafts we both enjoy. She taught me how to keep house, clean, and organize. While some may argue that those are lessons I didn't learn very well, I would just like to go on record and say that my implementation of said skills does not reflect the degree to which I learned those lessons nor should it reflect poorly on my teacher!
Growing up my mom was my idol. All I wanted to be when I grew up was a homemaker just like my mom. She taught me how to make a house a home, and to this day I never feel like people live in a place unless there are curtains on the windows and pictures on the walls. Dusty colors of blue always remind me of her, especially if there is a little rose colored accents. I love that she invented her own style of decorating that she calls "Victorian Country". She pulls of the concept beautifully, and it really suits her very well.
But my mom is not just a homemaker and homeschool teacher. She has this amazing alter-ego (pardon the comic book reference, Mom; I'm part Daddy too! *winks) which I like to think of as "PJ", the nickname that she used to go by. She collected the Family Circus comics that featured PJ and kept them around her room growing up. PJ I like to think of as the fun side of my mother. I think that sometimes when I was growing up I forgot about this side of her nature and it was easy to just see her as someone who was going to make me do schoolwork or chores, but I don't think the fun side of my mom was ever not there, even when I couldn't see it. Sometimes I like to shock people by telling them about the time that she dressed up with a blonde wig and different glasses and tricked people in her dorm for an entire semester into thinking she had another roommate. There is also the story about her killing a rat with her bare fist because it dared to run across her freshly cleaned kitchen counter. In high school she could change tires when the boys couldn't, raised calves for 4H, and embroidered Oscar Meyer hotdogs all over her jeans jacket. My mom truly likes to laugh and will surprise attack you with her wit when you are least expecting it. I love going by the name "Jo" partly because its her middle name.
I think the biggest thing though that my mom taught me has been in the area of character. I should rightfully say, continues to teach me, though, as I see her amazing example continued in every day life. She is a beautiful example of the gentle and quiet spirit that God so delights in. I would never say that my mom has had really flashy style or beauty queen hair and makeup. But she has something really beautiful about her that sparkles out of her gentle green eyes, and glistens off her now whitened hair, and belies itself in the soft smile creases of her face. You don't have to look very closely to see that her outward appearance gives away a wise and caring soul.
I've been so blessed for all the lessons that she has taught me about patience and love for her family, even when we were less than pleasant or obedient kids. She always has time to listen, and I can recall countless times in the kitchen, especially during nursing school where we cooked and I vented all my frustrations with school and studying. She always listened, encouraged, and spurred me on. She's also the most self-less person I know. My mom will go way out of her way to think of, pray for, and show love to the people that God has brought into her life.
My mom married my dad after college, and I really appreciate her commitment to their marriage. Its a really big blessing in this day and age to never even have to be slightly concerned about your parents parting ways. I am so blessed that I never had to worry about this growing up, as my mom showed me an excellent example of what it means to be a good wife as well. She was quick to model teamwork, self-less love, honoring her husband, and enjoying her husband's company. I could never hope to live up to her example, but want to with all my heart.
So, when it comes down to it, I should say thank you Mom. Thank you for all the love and care growing up. Thank you for being more than my mom now, but being my friend. I know I can always count on you to encourage me in my job or my creativity or even my dreams of someday down the road. Thank you for always listening, even when I'm hard to understand and don't make a lot of sense. Thank you for the example of a Godly woman that you have been in my life. Thank you for taking the time to teach me so many things.
I love you so much Mom and even though one silly blog post is not enough to say how much, I hope you know that you are loved and appreciated and respected.
Happy Birthday Mom.
With Love, Your Daughter, Jo

Thoughts and Smatterings

Normally, I am a huge New Testament kind of girl. I love the writings of Paul in particular, so its super funny/ironic that the verses that have blessed me the most in my reading through the Bible in a year have actually been in the Old Testament.
Of course I always love Isaiah, (its my love language, okay) but I've been super encouraged by the other OT books as well. Which is good since the Old Testament passages are ten times longer than the New Testament ones more times than not. I'm not gonna lie, usually I just skim over those passages since I feel like they are so boring and dry, but I keep consistently finding really precious nuggets of truth in these books and it still surprises me every time, even thought its been going on all year!
Ironically there are a couple of guys next to me in the coffee shop that are going over the same topic that I was just reading about in my morning devo: Melchizedek. Strange concept and yet the imagery is pretty strong. We have a priest who is a priest not just from descent, but from divine appointment. An intercessor between us and God. Namely: Jesus.
Yet another thing that I love about Manhattan and will miss when I am gone. Being able to sit in a coffee shop with so many people around me reading their Bibles and journalling. Its great not knowing them at all and yet feeling like you are connected just by the fact that they are seeking God as well. Sometimes it helps me to see them here, and makes me more motivated to continue seeking God myself.

In other news, I've been thinking about Uganda a lot lately. It scares me to think that I am going there soon (that is if God works everything out). But its a good kind of scary. The kind that I know I will hate, up until the time that I do it, and then I will love it to death, and never want it to stop!! (adrenaline junky? maybe). Anyway, I was planning on going this December to visit again and pray really hard core and look into some options for next year for a job or ministry to work with. The more I think about it though, the more I wonder if now is the time to do that... and honestly, I don't know the answer. I really, really, really, really, really miss the people, the culture, and the closeness to God that I feel when I am in Uganda. But that alone is not a good enough reason to spend money to hop a plane... I think...
But then again, it could be the devil's voice seeking to drown out my own. So I went ahead and bought tickets and booked my flights! And now I can't wait to go home, even if it will just be for 2 weeks. :)

The Funny Thing About That...

Today someone asked me about the guy that I had been dating. It was kind of ironic, cause I had been thinking of him a little this week. I'm not sure why. Its been 10 months now since he said goodbye to me. I remember having a strange peace about it despite the intense pain that day. I remember only crying once that day for the equivalent of 4 sobs on a friend's shoulder. I remember all the awkward messages we sent to one another after that, trying to figure everything out, bring some sort of closure. I remember acutely going through all of Keubler-Ross's stages of grief.
Denial: we aren't over. We can't be over. God promised me that I should ask Him and He'd work it out, so it can't truly be over, right?
Anger: How can he just treat me like this when I was so amazing to him? He's a jerk! I want to hurt him! I want to take back everything I ever gave him. I want to hurt HER for taking him. What gives him the right to use me like that?
Bargaining: Look God, I'll pray for him every day. I can be good and I won't nag him anymore and I'll be the picture of a gentle and quiet spirit.
Depression: Its just not gonna happen. It was doomed from the beginning. I'm not that great of a catch. Its understandably why he didn't love me. He's a commitment-phobe anyway with honesty problems and family problems and it was bound to fail. Everyone else knew that; they could see it clearly. I was just a fool.
and finally...
Acceptance: God has something (perhaps MANY THINGS!) to teach me in and through this relationship, (even its failure). But God is not through just because he is! God doesn't leave me or forsake me. He doesn't leave me as an orphan, but comes to me. He loves me unconditionally so I don't need his love. Not then, not now, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever! The Creator of the stars and waterfalls finds me beautiful and assures me that I never need to wake to someone that won't satisfy me. He says that when I awake I can be satisfied with merely seeing His likeness and with assurance of His unfailing love! Gosh, how lucky a girl am I??!?!? The Lord of the universe knows my name, how many hairs are on my head (even though they keep falling out!), and He cares deeply about every love and fear of my inmost secret heart! What else could I ever need?

Whew...
I actually wrote all that when the pain was still fresh. I just realized today though how much it is okay.
See someone asked me how we were doing and I replied that we weren't together anymore. As she asked me more, I had to admit that it had been a while that we hadn't been together. I think she felt bad that she didn't know, and I quickly assured her that it was okay. Then I had to catch myself, because I realized to my great surprise that it really was okay. I really do look back on all that with a sense of deep gratitude for everything that God has brought me through. Sometimes I smile to myself and enjoy my freedom that I have now. See, since I have plans to leave the country soon, it would be irresponsible to be in a relationship at this point in time. Plus, the longer that I live the more convinced I am of my complete and utter lack of the maturity required to handle a relationship with any sort of decorum. And that fact alone scares the living daylights out of me! I figure if it this keeps up, the exponential growth itself will soon top out with me being thoroughly convinced to never be in a relationship ever again! ;)
Its okay, you can all laugh at that! (I do... on a regular basis.)
Anyway, as my dear friend reminded me, God must have something much better planned. I replied, "Undoubtedly," and then, to my surprise, found that I actually believed that as well!
This may be funny to some of you, or cliche, if you are around lots of Christian girls that like to use this passage to fuel their demented ideas of romanticism, but Isaiah 54 has been a really big comfort to me. Something about the fact that God Himself has already promised to be all that we need (the same as He was for the Israelites, He is for us under the New Covenant), just satisfies my heart in a way that I can't explain.
Plus God promised me a long time ago that even if I never get married and never have any biological children that He would still give me children. People to teach and train and pray over and sacrifice for and love and mother. Isaiah 54 reminds me of this promise and helps me to be committed to looking around me for "my (unbiological) children". His faithfulness in bringing those situations in my every day life just astounds me sometimes. But yet, here He is doing it. People and situations that I never expected to happen and God has put me in the exact position to be exactly what that young person needed at that exact moment in time. Strangely, (or perhaps not so strangely) I find myself relishing every single instant of it.

Something to Remember

"My heart lives in so many places. With so many people. But God whispers to me that I really have only one home, and that is with Him. I will never be content on this earth. I will always be a nomad. It was meant to be that way. My heart was created with a desire for a home, a nest, a sanctuary, and that can be found only with Him in heaven. And I will continue bouncing from one home to another, loving with everything I have in whatever location I currently reside, excitedly awaiting the day when I am called heavenward and He says to me, "Welcome Home." "  --Katie Davis (Kisses from Katie)

Set a Fire Down in My Soul

this and "Higher" from Lecrae's new album "Gravity" have been really on my heart this morning. Enjoy!

Truths

Truths that I've been reminded of this last week:

Conviction is from God; guilt is from the devil.

When it comes to the workings of God in our lives, don't be expecting, be expectant.
And come to think of it... isn't everything a working of God in our lives?

Your sanctification is ultimately a matter of:
* what God has done (past tense) and not what you are doing. When God looks at you, the fundamental thing is not how you have lived your life this last week, but that Christ's blood has already sanctified you.
*identity and not behavior. You first have to have an understanding of what Christ has done for you... then you start acting like it!
*God's will and not your worth. You are not here because you are such a wonderful or deserving person. Don't forget it! Don't get it twisted! You have not disappointed God; He chose you.
*belonging and not isolation. You have a Father, you are a part of a family. Quit feeling like you are out on the periphery with no way to get an in with God or His people because you aren't good enough. You are in.
*boasting in Christ and not yourself. Its all about Christ and nothing to do with you. Are you feeling not good enough? Well, duh! You aren't good enough! If you were there would be no reason for Christ and the cross would be emptied of its power! You need as Savior because you are not good enough.

God uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong. He uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. He uses even me, believe it or not!

I've Seen (You sustain)

(i've been reading ecclesiates. obviously.)

Under the sun I've seen
More than once...

A lovely young lady be taken too soon
Perhaps preventable
Leaving helpless lives behind,
A precious young life snuffed out
Before it was given a chance
No first breath ever came,
Beloved Godly grandparents die
Vanishing into thin veils of the people they were
Their bodies ravished by disease,
Relationships hit rough waters
Though both parties knew You
Still hearts were hurt,

I've seen faithful servants suffer

With no way to put food on the table
Their prayers never faltering.

Yet I know what the great king never knew...

And somehow the assurance
"God would not inflict pain thus on all His children,
He knows whom He may trust,"
Is both enough to know and too little
Balm for the ache in my heart
For those whose lives touch mine
No matter in how little ways.
Yet I know You are faithful, You are still good.
Your strength is more than enough for me.
Your grace is sufficient.

No matter what I've seen
I know You've seen worse
And You'll sustain me like You have them.
There is nothing and no one else.
Basically You are the be all and end all.
I need not know how or why
I need only know that You love me

And that Love makes all the difference.
Because of it I might swim rivers
Though I fear their depths
And my very core panics at the thought
As my toes slip from their shaky hold
In a mighty rush into the stream's current
I know You hold me afloat
Nothing may hold me under
The pressure thrusting air
From already weakened lungs
I find You become my breath in those times.

I've seen, under the sun
More than once...

A beautiful weathered face walk
Gracefully to the shores of death
Pause not for a looking back
At this Sodom and Gomorrah that earth becomes
And that look of peace as they see their Savior;
And I've seen God heal and restore
Relationships that, reasonably,
No one would have given hope
Love lives once more
Where only desolation had set up home;
I've seen You come through
Needs met in the nick of time
And daily bread never lacking
As Your saints hit their knees
Growing stronger with their testimonies;
And the joy of that cry
As for the first time
The contented infant sits in her arms
Cradled in a mother's love
And she knows more of Your love for her's.

And I've seen You
More than once...
Over and over
In fact
Prove Yourself faithful
Show Yourself powerful
Love perfectly
Strengthen completely
Be sufficient
Just enough.

I've seen You sustain.