Fantine

"i had a dream in time gone by
when hope was high
and life worth living
i dreamed that love would never die
i dreamed that God would be forgiving

i had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed
now life has killed the dream i dreamed."

that was a quote i found in my 'journey of desire' journal this morning as i was doing my biblestudy. its a quote from Fantine from Les Miserables. something in my heart resonated with the emotion behind it, however misguided the philosophy behind it turns out to be. i think i understand the absolute weariness of Fantine, as she realizes that her life is turning out to be so very different than what she pictured for her ideal. because i think i feel a little of it too.
but in the end, the truth is this. dead dreams fertilize the ground for growth of dreams that our Father wants to give us instead. hope is still high, though perhaps more mellow now that we see with matured eyes. life is still worth living, if it is lived on purpose. and i don't mean in a manner of purpose towards one goal, but i mean on purpose every day. small term goals. living today to His glory. love does sometimes die its true. human love that is. but there is a Love that does not die. but grows stronger with time, even more poignant with disappointments, deeper even when we run from it, and eventually saturates our very person if we allow it to. and shocks: God is still forgiving. no mistake is too big for Him to not welcome you back with open arms. no failure so great that He doesn't still love you.
and true this world is no heaven... but its far from hell. the small joys are still there. the sun still shines, rain still falls, dew still clings to blades of grass, fields of wheat still rival gold for beauty, people still smile, birds still sing, God is still not dead, and life is here for the taking.

Coffee Shop Blues

Okay the coffee shop that I am currently sitting in, is being OVERRUN by kids at the moment. Which is fine, I mean, I like kids. Not in coffee shops, but I do like kids.
Anyway, needless to say I can't really hear myself think, so the deep thoughtful blog that I was planning on writing today, is going to be slightly lacking.
Also, I think mothers are getting older. Maybe people are just waiting longer to start having kids. I'm seeing ladies that I would expect to be the soccer moms of the world, and they are carrying around babies and 2 year olds. I think it has become fashionable to wait until you are 30 to have your first kid. I guess I shouldn't say anything about that, since its not like I can negatively affect that fashion at this point in time! haha...
Also, the LTR looking full back tatoo is no longer cool when you are carting a screaming 3 year old. But it is funny.

Smatterings

Smattering #1. If I ever get a husband, and he ever gets to be middle aged... remind me to NEVER let him wear a Hawaiian flowered shirt! I've just seen about 4 already this morning, and PUUULEEZZ people... you aren't in Hawaii or at a bbq! (and its 9am on a workday!) The shirt just makes you look silly!

Smattering #2. I can't believe i am admitting this, but I am actually shy of my new apartment. I have NO idea how that works psychologically. But needless to say, I have yet to think of it as my own. Someday, hopefully soon!

Smattering #3. Apparently I use the internet more than I was aware... I've been freaking out the last couple days because I haven't been able to get on from my computer. Which is completely weird, because I have a smart phone and shouldn't legitimately freak out about this sort of thing!

Smattering #4. Okay, I totally told my mom and sister that I thought it was all weird to meet my neighbor that lived above me and be all friends with her... but I actually met her this morning, and she's really nice. So I guess I have to rescind my former statements to that effect.