goodbye

Every once in a while, when you make bold statements... you really should follow through on them.

its not regret
but it is remorse
i knew better
but i let my imagination run wild
it was a fate worse than death
knowing separation
from Him who loves me best
and i chose it
but no more
i'm saying no this time
as easy as that
i may be looked at as cruel
but i can't keep on in this
there's no good time to say goodbye
but there is a time
now

and soon the freedom will follow
as it always does
clean as the tulips in my yard
washed in the drizzling rain
as a tear falls
and keeps washing
all the pain
all the worry
all the sense of distance
and i'm there
at my Father's feet
and as i lift my hesitant, tearful eyes
i see His beautifully kind ones looking down at me
and i don't see reproach
i see longing
and then i am in His arms
full embrace

i think about taking one last look
but sodom and gomorrah is not worth even that
no turning back
kiss it goodbye

Committed

So I was sitting in class today, and they were talking about schizophrenia.
Man, my butt didn't want to stay still in that seat!
See to me, what they were describing as schizophrenia, sounded a whole lot like what I would categorize as straight up demon possession!
I know, way to be nice and subtle about it! Approach the issue tenderly, like a good mercy gifting! Way to go, Jo. Nice work!
But seriously! Have you ever listened to an interview with these cats? They are messed up! I mean really! And I know my enemy well enough to know what he sounds like! If I heard voices like that... well, I'd sure as hell (double meaning intended) know where they came from!
Okay, weird thing though...
A year or two ago, that would have totally freaked me out. I would have had shivers up and down my spine just thinking about it. And the fact that in less than a weeks time I will be the person providing care for these people, and I have yet to get really freaked out about this is well... probably having to do with the Divine.
I am not by nature a completely throw yourself out there in the thick of the battle kind of person. I still get continually amazed when God lets me venture out cautiously into the battlefield and I don't get completely slaughtered! Seems He's given me more strength than I thought... or maybe its just a different strength than I thought... (for more thoughts on that... talk to me about it sometime).
Anyway, so I was talking to my dad today. (who is, in fact, a pretty stellar person, and you all should def meet him!) ... but anyway, I was talking to him about this subject and low and behold... his conclusion was exactly the same as mine! I was expecting him to do a little arguing before seeing my point of view on this. Must have forgot about his Social Science major... (think abnormal psych...). Anyway, he was telling me how I needed to be really prepared with prayer and all, because if indeed I meet up with any of these cats, they are going to know who I am, and Who is in me. (fyi, my dad didn't actually refer to them as "cats", that was my own interjection).
I'm not sure what to think about that. Its actually not something I had thought about before. That schizos (who do have demonic stuff going on) are going to be completely adverse to even my presence, when it reeks of the Lord.
Anyone freaking out yet? Cause I actually feel more freaked out about the assignment that I need to turn in before I go to work tonight. Strange, huh?
Anyway, this is an APB of sorts out to you all... could I get some prayer for my time at Larned next week? I'd really appreciate you all praying a hedge of protection around me while I am there. I think I am going to need it. Definitely up against a lot of spiritual warfare from what it sounds like. And of course I have to be a professional nurse, and can't go performing any exorcisms... so this may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To be within a yard of hell, and professionally unable to extend a hand to snatch them from the flames! Crap, now as I am typing this all, God is building in me a love and compassion for these people! But for the grace of God, I would be exactly where they are today.
Pray for me guys. I think this might either break my heart or my spirit.
I'll be at Larned State Mental Hospital most of next week... back on Thurs... if they let me leave!!!!

Missing You, when You aren't Gone

We have this nursing diagnosis that we talk about in nursing school. Its called Anticipatory Grieving. Often you would see it when you or someone you love is diagnosed with a terminal illness (i.e. an illness that will end in death).
I was randomly moving about the pad looking for something this morning, and wandered into Jenna's room. (if you must know, I was looking for a flat iron)...
As I was snooping through stuff looking for what I wanted, I was thinking of what a great friend I have in Jenna... and how much I am going to miss her this summer!

Let me paint a picture of Jenna for you... we'll start with her room...
I was looking for a flat iron... I found: 3 curling irons, 1 crimping iron, 2 hair blow dryers (one of them is mine), a set of curlers, and 1 clothes iron. Still have no clue where the flat iron is! I also found: freeweights, armor all, a baseball glove, a hammer, 2 flashlights, and camo heavy duty boots. Are you completely confused by Jenna yet? Let me add in that there is a rack on the wall, next to a wall hanging from Africa, and her bed is littered with makeup supplies... still not confused? Let me also add that Jenna and I wear about the same size of clothes, so sometimes we share stuff. My shirt that always seems to go missing? My lavenadar colored K-State shirt. Jenna has KU junk all over her walls, but when it comes to stealing clothes, she takes something implicitly K-State?? confused yet?
Perhaps the best part is in fact this... On Jenna's night stand by her bed she keeps a 7in bladed knife! (we had someone try and break into our house, and Jenna plans to be prepared! see also: Jenna's death wish on anyone who would attempt breaking in: "I'd KILL him!")
Jenna is hard core and a softy. She loves fishing, but can fix a mean wedding up-do! She loves falling asleep on the couch with me to Disney movies, and bakes a stellar cinnamon roll. But she is going to bring her shotgun from home with her in the fall so we can go shooting! (secret love of mine!)
But this is all the really awesome stuff about Jenna, maybe I should add in a few of her faults... She likes to hoard antibiotics and take them whenever she feels sick (super viruses here we come! good job!). She also cusses a lot when she's under anesthesia... it kinda funny! (from when she got her wisdom teeth pulled). She also doesn't do things by halves. Which could I guess be a good thing or a bad thing. When God lays something on her heart, she follows it completely. But, when she decides something, its also next to useless to try and talk her out of it. (you won't win the arguement at the time; prayer is best for that!)
So why am I anticipatorily greiving for Jenna this summer? Jenna is going to be in Indy working as a park ranger (something she DEFINITELY has a huge heart for!). And I'll be staying here and finishing summer classes and then treking off to Africa for a little something that I have a huge heart for.
I'm gonna miss that gal! :( *sniff* (I have allergies, gosh!) *sniff*

Profuse Apologies

Well, my dear blog readers, as you have already surmised... I had formerly erroneously labeled one of my blog posts with the label of it being my 100th post. Unfortunately, this was not quite correct. See, I had failed to account for blogger counting all the posts that I had started and failed to finish. Low and behold I had 4 drafts which actually put the published total at 96 instead of 100, which some of my dear friends were so kind as to point out!
Well that has been corrected. I published 2 of the notes unfinished, and deleted the other two (they were really only 2 sentences each anyway). And you will be happy to note that my current PUBLISHED post count stands at a lovely 102.
Enjoy poppets!

Dicotomy of Freedom

free·dom

Pronunciation:

\ˈfrē-dəm\

Function:

noun

Date:

before 12th century

1: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence c: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous <freedom from care> d: ease, facility freedom> e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken freedom> f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use freedom of their home> 2 a: a political right b: franchise, privilege

So I was thinking the other night, about the kind of gal that I used to be... and the results of such careful study were quite disparaging. In a lot of ways the girl I used to be was a lot free-er... and in some ways, not nearly as free.
And when I say free... I really mean that particular brand of freedom that comes from Christ.
I know... I know... how can I classify different types of freedom in Christ? Aren't we all covered under the same freedom? Yes, we are... but I think that at different times in my life I have been more or less aware of certain freedoms in some areas of my life.

The Prayer Box

So I am sure that you all are aware of the book "Redeeming Love". Needless to say, I like it a lot, and recently read it for the second time. Great picture of how completely God loves us, how He will fight for us, how He will wait forever for us, how He forgives us...
Anyway, there was one part in the book that stood out to me, and it was something strange... but, anyway, one of the characters had a hatbox filled with scraps of paper which were all her prayer requests. She wrote down each one, and stuck it in the box, waiting for God to fulfill the petition. I used to do that...
Okay, this is dorky, but at my parent's house I slept on a bunkbed, and I had the lower bunk (ask Janalee or Jenny about collapsing the bunk on top of me, or me leg lifting the bunk board with them on it! (who needs a gym??)) Anyway... in the rafters above me as I slept I used to keep a small pad. I am a natural worrier. It used to take me at least a good hour and a half to fall asleep. I would lay there in bed look up at the bunkboard above me and over-analyze everything that happened that day, everything that I hoped would happen the next day, everything that I wished had happened! It was ridiculous!
I don't know where I first read it, but someone in a book... maybe Elizabeth Elliot?? suggested writing all the prayer requests that you have down. Even something as simple as writing them out was an act of realease. Then pray over them, and let go and let God have them... totally.
So that is what my notebook ended up being. When I would lay in bed at night and think through everything in my life, when I would come to a place of worry... there it would go on the list, pray about it, release it, one less wrinkle to my brow. Also the coolest thing is that every time that I would go to write something else on the list, I would look over everything else, and realize things that God had already answered! Then I could cross them out with a date, and show God's faithfulness. Great encouragement!
I don't know what happened to that list. I think I found it when I was moving to my current house, but I haven't seen it since then.
Well, since reading that book again, I thought to myself that I should use that again! So I have got a shoebox (it says 'club zone' on it; is that sacreligous?), and have spent most of the last hour and a half filling it full of prayer requests. (I didn't realize I had SOOO many things that I am currently asking God for! Wow!)

p.s. I made the box this morning... and already I have had to go fishing for one of the notes... God answered a request! (Curious? okay, I guess I'll tell you... David is going with me and my sister to Africa! David's words: "was there ever any doubt?" my prayer request: "make it clear - no doubts" My God is faithful!)

I think you should make a prayer box too!

Africa!

Holy, jumping beans, people!
I am going!

Yes, that's right, I've been hoping, and praying, and even struggling, and doubting... but I am going back to Africa this summer. And incidentally... I am dragging my little sister along... and possibly... :) Yeah, I am supper stoked!

So, you all want to know what I am going to be doing?
Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway! Working with a really awesome ministry called Village of Hope Uganda. (btw, you should buy some of the orphan's beads! they are absolutely beautiful!) Everything from working with the orphans at the safehouse with medical recordkeeping, to working with local nurses in the IDP camps, to getting down and dirty with construction work on the land for the Village of Hope. I am so looking forward to what God looks to do through this summer! Ah, man, I can't tell you how excited I am! Whew... calm down, Jo!

So, my request is that you all keep me and my sister in your prayers! I know we'd appreciate it a lot! (and my parents too, cause they are having a hard time letting two of their daughters run off to deep, dark Africa!)
And especially for the people that we get to interact with. That they would feel God's love through us. Even that we would have opportunities to share our faith with the kids, and refugees in the camps. And that we would be able to work hard and diligently at all we do, knowing we are working for the Lord!

100th Post

I've struggled with this post for a while now... as the title says, it is my 100th post, and I naturally wanted it to be a good one. So here I am sitting in front of my computer... its Easter Sunday; my cute little easter dress is hanging on the back of my door (I even have cute shoes to go with it!); church is in another half hour; my room really needs cleaned, and all I can think about is all the pain in this stupid world.
Yeah, I realize I didn't build up to that one very well. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have been personally feeling a lot as well, but maybe its just the taking on of others burdens (I have a tendency to do that) (but don't stop telling me about them; thats just the way that God wired me, and I feel empty when I don't get to help share them). At any rate, I have been feeling the pressure of a million burdens here recently which makes me wonder why I am not doing more to alleviate them.
Maybe its just doubt, but sometimes I wonder...
What would happen if I started living my life completely so the the people around me would benefit the most from its living, and not me. I know, that's not a new concept, but I dare say that very few of you actually live that way on a consistent basis. I KNOW I don't; (though deep in my heart of hearts, I wish I could say I did).
I would definitely say that this has been a theme in my life recently. Starting last semester, with looking at spiritual gifts in relation to prayer lifegroup. Shock of shocks, one of the ones that I scored really high in was voluntary poverty. What the heck??? I didn't even know what voluntary poverty means! For goodness sake, I'm an American! The most material people group on the face of the planet! We judge status on possessions and we try to teach the rest of the world to do it as well! (side note: We place little to no regard on family, as evidenced by the skyrocketing divorce rates, abortion statistics, and number of nursing homes in this lovely country of ours! I mean seriously!)
I guess maybe I'm just still in love with a simpler living style. Something far removed from it all. Somewhere where people are loved for who they are, and not what they have. Little things like nice houses turn me off now. In fact even the curtains that I bought for my living room, (and i bought those so that no one could see in to our living room, since we had an attempted break-in...) make my stomach churn a little. Did I need them? No. Yeah, I had a good reason for getting them... unless you really look at the root cause, which would end up being fear... and then you can see that I am not really ahead.
And this is a lame ending, but I am tired of struggling with writing this...

Random Questions...

1. Why does it snow in the morning, and yet I go to school with a short sleeve shirt, come out for lunch, and nearly freeze to death, and then opt for shorts in the evening, cause the sun is way too warm?
2. How come I can not study at all, and make grades better than my classmates?
3. Why do I want things so badly, only to find out that having them gives me a whole new set of problems?
4. Why do I never feel tired when I can sleep in, and so incredibly tired when I need to get up?
5. How come I always forget the confidence that I am supposed to have in Christ?
6. What exactly is their deal??? I mean, like they have to know this stuff for their jobs! Why do I have to know it for nursing school? And why so much busywork???
7. Which phase am I in right now? The birth of a vision, the death of a vision, or the supernatural fulfillment of a vision?
8. Why is all that I can think about centered on Africa?
9. Please explain why we junk sounds together like Nwfulnd puppies, instead of New-found-land, or Rknsaw instead of Are-Kansas? Are we really in that much of a hurry?
10. Why's it so hard to pray when you know you really need to? If I really want, more than anything in the world to delight myself in God, why do I find it so hard to do?
11. When do you draw the line?
12. Why am I still so addicted to Mountain Dew??

Laugh out Loud

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyUvNnmFtgI&feature=player_embedded