I didn't really realize what it was that I was missing. I knew there was something wrong. Something that I was lacking. Maybe I've always been missing it. I can remember only a few times in my life when I've really felt like maybe I had it.
community.
In the past semester I have watched my personal and spiritual life go from mediocre to bad to worse. How could I neglect something so sacred? so vital to who I am/ to everything I am? Don't ask me, I don't know. But I know I faced the same temptations that everyone else around me faces. The pressure of being busy, of running yourself ragged, of procrastinating, of pushing it to the back burner... for just today, just this week, just a couple more days, this month, this semester... Except for one thing. I faced all of those temptations...
alone.
I don't think most of you will really understand this. Maybe you can't ever. I think part of it is how I grew up. I was a very independent girl for most of my growing up years. I guess I've always just had a bent that way, you can ask my parents. Part of it might have been because I wasn't the little kid that had to be taken care of, but the older kid taking care of the little one for a majority of the time that I remember. Or maybe it was just cause I got lost in a sea of kids and learned that bringing up my issues and emotions just made things more complicated. Pushing everything inside made the community run smoother. Sad, push it down; lonely, too bad; mad, suppress that sucker but good.
For whatever reason I think that I have grown up with a mindset that everything I need, I can merely do for/attain for myself.
I had a long talk with a very Godly woman the other day about this. I think she was right when she said that is not the way that God intended for it to be.
** This much I had started writing some time ago (I think, late fall of 2011), and only just realized that I had never published, so allow me to finish the thought...
community... is this strange concept in my mind. I'm terribly clumsy at it. I hate depending on others and I will routinely go out of my way to be self sufficient.
I decided (partly because of my Dad's urging, and partly because of a few godly girls) to live in the VFS community this last year. This last fall semester, for a myriad of different reasons, was a hot mess. From having roommates change several times, to differing conflict resolution styles, to going through some pretty (pardon my French) tough crap together... we had one heck of a ride. But having come through all of that, I can definitely say that there wasn't a day when I sought God that He wasn't completely faithful. I know that's always true, but I think I just noticed it more this last semester as I sought to come to terms with really living in a loving way with others.
Before, I had always had an out. If I wasn't feeling like being social or working things out, I could always retreat back to my house. Most of the time that I was really seeking to live for God, this had been true. I viewed my own home as a negative space where nothing that I said or did mattered. This was painfully obvious when I was still living with my parents, because despite my resolve towards seeking God at church or biblestudy or wherever else always became non-existent the moment I walked through the door at home. Unfortunately, my poor family had to deal with the fall out from that erroneous mindset.
So living with 2 girls after I moved out was in some ways very similar. We all had our own rooms and when you went in your room and closed the door, that was pretty much the end of the story. Yes, we had our differences, but I think a lot of issues were just bottled by our simple avoidance of each other.
After that, I lived alone for two years. Obviously very easy to be my usual hermit self when I lived by myself.
Transplant me to a small 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment with 4 other girls and you can only imagine what went down....
Lets just say it was an extreme wake up call to my own selfishness and independence. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my roommates, even the ones that didn't stay living with us... but sometimes people do or say things that really rub other people the wrong way, and I am by no means the least offender in that area.
Its been a learning and growing and changing time and as I look at new plans for the summer and the fall I find myself a little sad that its all coming to a close. God has truly given me a heart of love for these girls and I am going to be sad to play a lesser role in their lives, no matter what that ends up looking like.
Despite every inconvenience or difference, God has really taught and grown each one of us. I see so many new sprouts of maturity in each of our lives that its super encouraging. He's also taught me that there are many things I can't go through on my own. I need to reach out sometimes. I actually need other people. Namely, my church family.
This probably seems like old news to all of you, but to me this is kinda a wake up moment. I always assumed that my church and I operated as separate entities. They could get along fine without me, and I without them. For years I've heard people talk about how important the church is, and I just assumed they said that to make themselves feel better about how ridiculously committed they were to it. Funny when suddenly everything suddenly makes sense...
