2009

A list of my dreams, aspirations, and expectations for 2009:

1. I fully expect this year to be one of the toughest years of my existence, with school, work, bills, summer plans, stress... etc.
2. I dream that this will be a year of defining... defining of character, defining of my life, mission, work...
3. I aspire for this to be the MOST growing year in the Lord that I have experienced thus far.
4. I expect to get challenged; to be brought to tears; to build relationships stronger with friends that are already close, learn to love new friends, and yes, even fall apart from a few old friends.
5. I dream of dancing under my brilliant African stars, running in the rain on the dirt roads, falling in love again with everything that I have come to know as Africa.
6. I aspire to fall in love with my Savior all over again.

This isn't all, but it's enough for starters... and really, its all I need for now.

Explaining Death

So last night I was walking through the living room at my parents house, and due to an increase in family staying there for the holidays, my little 7 year old sister was sleeping on the couch. Well, I say sleeping, but in actuality, she was laying on the couch looking down at the floor with this doleful face that looked like a sky about to drop rain.
I naturally stooped down to talk to her, asking her what was wrong. I expected an answer about her having to go too bed early, or not getting to watch the PG-13 movie that was playing downstairs, or something of the sort. Instead, when she actually answered me this was what she said:
Tweeky: "Whenever I think of Mommy, I think she's dieing."
Me: "There's nothing wrong with Mom! She's not dieing!" (I don't know who taught me about dealing with kids... but I'm pretty sure none of them would have said to shut down the little kid first thing and tell them their logic is off!)
Tweeky: *starts crying for real, and buries her head in her pillow*
Me: *realizes my first mistake, and attempts to console her* "You know you don't have anything to be afraid of right?"
Tweeky: *looks at me incredulously with tears still streaming down her round cheeks*
Me: "Death isn't something to be afraid of. Death is just the end of one story. Its just when we stop being here on earth and start being with Jesus. And that is a happy thing! You know that right?" (I know she does because of the extensive conversations that I had with her when my Grandpa died.)
Tweeky: *bravely nods, before bursting into fresh tears*
Me: *begins praying (actually realized that I needed some extra help and grace to explain death to a 7 year old!! not sure why I didn't arrive at that conclusion earlier...) *starts to get a sense of the spiritual world going on around my little sister. Fear is lurking.* (but this is a 7 year old... how do you command demons to quit bothering a 7 year old? hmmm... here's an idea...)
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus loves you?"
Tweeky: *nods*
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus wants exactly what is good for you?"
Tweeky: *nods*
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus, because He loves you sooo much, and wants exactly what is perfect for you... do you believe that He knows the exact amount of days that you and Mom will have together?"
Tweeky: *sniffs, thinks for a bit, nods*
Me: "Theres a verse that says perfect love casts out fear. Jesus' Love is perfect; its the only love that is perfect. Janelle, if Jesus' Love is perfect, and you believe that Jesus loves you, and that He loves you perfectly, then you don't have anything to be afraid of! The fear is cast out by Jesus' perfect love!"
Tweeky: *sniffs again*
Me: "Can you pray and ask Jesus to help you not be afraid? Can you tell Him that you believe that His love is perfect, and that you know He loves you?"
Tweeky: *sniffs, nods, closes her eyes, sniffles come less frequently until they stop altogether*
Me: *continue praying against fear until I see her little forehead unwrinkle with peace*
Tweeky drifts off to sleep.

End of story? Yes and no. First of all, the main reason that I posted this on here was that I felt like it would help in my own healing, the way that I felt peace last night. Sitting on the floor in my living room explaining to my little sister, that death was not the end, was not scary, was only a doorway... and the closure and peace that I felt explaining God's love. No matter what the circumstances, His PERFECT love! Even when we don't understand it.
But I also want you all to know that the devil is real, and he doesn't have a single problem with attacking a 7 year old with fears and doubts! He's ruthless, and I hope your blood boils at the thought of him messing with one of His dear ones!! Mine sure does!
Are we being ready? Are we being vigilant? The battle is out there guys! And its freakin' messy! We're not against someone that's gonna play nice! Are we ready for the challenge??

New Things and Cheddar Chowder

New beginnings, new hopes, new dreams... new apartment. Yes, I realize how silly it is to devote an entire blog post to the fact that I am once again going to be in my own room and living on my own schedule... Not that this last semester has been terribly trying, (okay, well maybe it has), but simply that I am reveling in my soon to be regained freedom!!
In my head, I think I know that my freedom will come with lots of responsibility, but right now my mind is whirring with all the excitement of freedom and not really thinking about all of that. I remember, but its one of those things that you block out mentally, and don't really factor into your situation when you consider it.
And then there's all the things that I will miss...
Like coming home last night at 10:30 to find a lovely pot of cheddar ham chowder in the fridge just waiting for my hungry stomach. Yeah, and I would just like to go on record and say that my mom makes the absolute BEST chowder EVER! And it is best fresh, but I sure wasn't decrying that fact last night as I slurped down a steaming hot bowl accompanied by a few saltines and some surf time. Yeah, absolutely nothing wrong with that life!
I'm actually really thankful for my living situation this whole last semester. I mean, I don't know what I would have done if my family hadn't been there to kinda kick me in the rear when I was being mopey about being in the States, or keep me from going off the deep end with stress from work. They are great, don't get me wrong. Its just time to move on...
I think I have known that for a while now, but never really wanted to do anything about it. See, I am one of those incredibly lazy people that sees opportunities for growth and maturity... and wants it, but then looks at how much work its gonna take, and is like... uhm, no thanks, maybe some other time.
So when I asked God about this, I hoped He would say yes, expected Him to say no, figured it would be best if He said wait, and dreaded that He would give me the "all systems go". And then He decided to speak...
The reason that I dreaded the yes was clear: I didn't want to put in the effort to grow closer to Him. Not that I don't want the growth, just that I am lazy and don't want to have to go throught the suffering to get there! No getting outside my comfort zone. I didn't want to have to work hard, or be strapped for funds. I still don't. But He said "yes". And more than all my wants and dreams, I need to be walking in His way... and since He has so clearly mapped it for me...
So I am going to miss the chowder, but am looking forward to the new things!

Reconciliation

I am pretty sure that I mentioned in a former post about how the relationships in my life have been quite strained as of late.
Enter Christmas... and you officially have me with an intense feeling of stress and almost dread. I didn't want a season of giving or where everyone would be happy! I honestly just wanted to wallow in my own resentment, bitterness, and self-pity.
Enter Jesus Christ... See when Christ originally came to the world, it sure as heck wasn't a world that was perfect! There was a reason they were looking for a Messiah, may I remind you! Here's the deal, we live in a very imperfect world, with VERY imperfect people... (And before you think that was directed at someone, I would just like to say that that finger was pointing straight at me! You have no idea how much I fail at life in general, not to mention the life that I should be walking in, in Christ!)
So, would Someone who had come to "save" us, really be content with my wallowing?? Resounding "NO".
He is never content to let His children wallow. Especially in mires of their own making (and I could argue that all mires are of our own making...) But the truth remains, God didn't like my attitude... and more than that, He didn't like my apathy in my attitude.
I think that emotions are a dangerous thing... not that God necessarily thinks that, its just me... I think that between me and God, resentment and bitterness are easily dealt with. It's this stupid self-pity that gets me every time... Cause with it, it brings a sense of apathy that says, "You poor child, none of this is your fault, hence there is no way for you to make it right. You poor, accursed child. Why do they torture you so?" Got to be one of the biggest lines of B.S. (pardon the French) that the devil likes to feed me!!
Something that God has been working on teaching me all last semester (well, and back into the summer) is the authority that I have in Christ. In Christ, I am not confined to low living, getting by, skating under the surface, making no ripples... etc...
No, He has called me to victorious living! I think that the authority that He gives me is exactly opposite to the apathy that I like to wallow in! Reminds me of what one of my dear brothers in Christ reminded me of this summer... That in Christ, I have absolutely no need of timidity or fear! It simply shouldn't exist in my vocabulary!
This authority in Christ is also my freedom in Christ. If I don't truly understand the authority of Christ in my life, in situations, over others lives, or even over the spiritual world around me, there is absolutely no way that I can really experience Christ's freedom.
So... this Christmas, I made the choice to live in Christ's authority instead of wallowing in my own apathy and self-pity. First of all, the freedom that it brought was... well... incomprehensible. I still don't understand the peace and love for people that flooded my soul. Second, the authority that I had in Christ, left me with the freedom to reach out in love, with no idea or expectation as to the consequences or outcomes. And amazingly enough, God also chose to reconcile every single one of the relationships that I had been so worried about. In ways that I couldn't even imagine, or hope for. Isn't my God good??

Dear Grandpa,

Well, its almost Christmas again. I really can’t believe that you have been gone this long. It seems such a short time ago that I remember hearing your gentle voice rise and fall with the words of the Christmas story. Every Christmas you would read it before we could even think about opening any gifts. And you delighted to read the story out of different gospels, quiz us on our Bible facts, and make sure that we were not missing the reason behind our celebration. The funny thing is that Dad was a much better reader, but you always did it. And we had to listen attentively. Not that you would have taken away our gifts if we didn’t, but you had that way of giving us the eye that said “now is not the time for horsing around, and you know it!” We always stopped… immediately!
I remember the smell of the fresh cedar tree in the big old farmhouse. The joy of stringing up lots of tinsel (we were never allowed to use that stuff at our house!) and seeing the bubble lights finally heat up enough to boil up and down. I even remember sneaking downstairs (and that surely wasn’t easy to do on that creaky old staircase) to sit and watch them bubble and glow in the dark, as the tinsel would sway in the draft from the window. I remember the days when Mom always gave you those ugly yellow work gloves. You know, the ones with the bright red cuffs. They always seemed like the biggest contradiction to your demeanor. All of your conservative colors, and then those bright yellow gloves! I suppose you didn’t mind though, seeing as she always stuffed them with fun candy or English walnuts.
But farther back in my memory, I remember those same ugly gloves, each grasping a huge grain bucket full of feed, with those big work boots never slowing. How you would let me shovel the feed into the buckets, even though it took me twice as long. How you let me carry half a bucket, even though it meant you would have to make more trips. You would effortlessly toss those feed buckets up and over into the cattle trough. For the first time in my life, I thought that I had met someone who was stronger than my dad. But strength goes both ways. Getting a spanking from you was awful. Not only did those hands of steel from years of hard farm work, construction, and milking cows land hard, but somehow, with your calm personality I was almost ashamed. I knew I really must have done something bad if you gave me a spanking. I think I cried from the pain of disappointing you more than the fact that it hurt, (and it did hurt!).
I am almost glad I didn’t get to go for Thanksgiving this year. Tromping through the timber looking for a scraggly cedar tree just isn’t the same without you. I think that’s when I miss you the most, or when I am walking through that musty old barn. Somehow the smell of that place seems intimately connected with you. It smells like hard work, old lumber, hay dust, and tractor grease… mmm, and I love that smell! Just like I like the smell of your truck, yeah, I still smile when I climb up into and charge down the road in it! I feel like a real country girl, that one that I always wanted to be when I looked at you, that country girl that could truly deserve to be your granddaughter. Though I don’t think it is something that I had to earn. You loved me just the way that I was, and you never asked me to be more than I was. Sometimes you made me think for myself by asking a really tough question, but you never looked down on me for not knowing the answer. And you loved me.
Grandma is spending Christmas with us this year. I know you would be worried about her being alone. I'll try and take care of her, like I know you always did. I'm going to miss you, but I know you are infinitely more happy where you are now. And in the presence of your Saviour, I'll bet you don't miss all of us one bit! That's okay, I don't mind. I'll see you soon! Still love you!
Hugs and Kisses, Your Granddaughter, ~Jo

Mr. Lunt

One of the joys of my current living situation is that I get to wake up to things like: Mr. Lunt singing "What Child is This".
Yeah, I know you are jealous!

Did I mention that I am moving in with Jenna next semester?

Best Parts of Today

1. Sloshing through 4-5 inches of sludge in the Wally World parking lot.
2. That insane look of fear displayed by people along the snowy roads as you approach very fast in your car.... *evil laugh*
3. Buying and sporting some awesome blue sunglasses (in December!)
4. Finding a freakin' awesome rockstar shirt
5. Dubbing my car the "Mighty Mouse" for the day, for its heroic bravery in conquering snowy/sludgy roads. Way to go little guy!
6. Chatting with one of my bestest pals ever, and deciding to frequent the kitchen together!
7. Reading peoples blogs (especially stories! gotta love em!)
8. Only working a half shift tonight at work (and getting free movie tickets for doing it cause they forgot that I was already on the schedule!)
9. Making peanutbutter fudge
10. Feeling a little of that Peace on Earth, and not a little of that Good Will towards Men on whom His Favor Rests!

Chillin' in the Rad

So, I am sitting in the Rad and facing the windows, and it is amazing how many people that have walked by that I know!
Normally I credit my Dad with being the one who knows everyone and their dogs... (haha... funny, he is actually one of the people that I saw! hope he enjoyed his Chipolte!)
So, yes, confession: I am a people watcher. *sigh* Now you know! But seriously, I am one of those people that actually make a study of human nature in general, so sitting in a quiet coffee shop and watching everyone out of the plateglass windows, while it sounds slightly (ok, REALLY) creeperish, is actually really interesting.
I thoroughly enjoy psych classes too, well, and sociology, and human development, and cultural studies, and... well, you get the idea. Learning about people and how they think and tick and work. Maybe one of the real reasons that I absolutely LOVED living in UG this summer. Because I got to actually live in a two bedroom flat with a family, and not stay in one of those stupid "Americanized" high rise ritzy hotels, I feel like I got to actually learn what life is like living in K'la. Man, I miss it! Life there was simple. Okay, that was a side note, sorry!
Learning about people... yeah, that is one of the biggest motivators in my life right now. So, any ideas on how I can do that for the rest of my life as like a lucrative job? Cause that would be really freakin' sweet! (okay, even without the lucrative part, I'll take it!)
But then, again, most of you know by now that I really love my job as a nurse... so add that into the equation too. So long as its not some every-day-the-same job. Yeah, so that has just been my realization recently: that I don't like to be doing the same thing for long periods of time.
So, if you get any ideas on how to utilize all these inclinations, and skills as something that can put a bowl of rice on the table and keep a fairly dry roof over my head... yeah, let me know, cause I am stumped at the moment!!
It's okay, though... I've got time... and I know God will show me exactly when I need to know!

Fears (Rational and Irrational)

So I saw that Jenna and Ranger had posted lists of irrational fears... which come to find out Creager did first... but my initial reaction was to be like... "oh, I don't EVEN think so!" Which is, in and of itself, actually one of my irrational fears! So, here goes...
1. Fear of drowning. Not really that irrational, since I have managed to "almost" drown... like 4 separate times. Now I get that crippling fear whenever I can't touch the bottom, and loose hold on what holds me afloat.
2. Fear of cockroaches in my bed/hair. Yeah, nuff said? This is what comes of living in crappy basement apartments (I swear there was a nest behind the wall in between my room and the bathroom!) And, thank you, I have had one fall out of my hair before (camp situation), and I didn't feel safe all week!! Rats and flies in my food markets, ant infestations, spiders (even brown recluse, black widow, or wolf spiders), yeah, I can handle all that... but a single roach is enough to turn my stomach and have me cowering in fear.
3. Fear of people knowing me too well. Yeah, don't even tell me that I am predictable... that one put me into a tailspin for weeks!
4. Fear of small spaces. Yes, I am claustrophobic, and yes... you are standing too close!
5. Fear of being weak, or being seen as weak. Maybe its the stupid propaganda out there that tells us as American women that we have to be stronger than thou about everything. Maybe its just the way that I am wired (or more likely a rebellion against the way I am wired), but there is definitely something deep down within me that really HATES being weak, needing your help, being unable to cope...
The funny thing about fears is that once you can isolate them as such, you can usually deal with them. For example:
1. I know that I am deathly afraid of the water and of drowning... but I made myself swim back to shore the other day when my friends had dragged my log "raft" out to the middle of deep water in Tuttle.
2. I stomp roaches whenever possible, even if they are outside and not bugging (pun!) anyone. There's something empowering in that nice satisfying crunch as I grind their ugly, innocent bug brains into the ground. (no comments about my violent tendencies please, Ranger!)
3. One sure way of being unpredictable... randomness!! But no, seriously, I just have to make a conscious effort to let people in.
4. Small spaces are still not cool... but I can usually talk myself down. And my God likes to put me in small spaces just to test my ability to cope! (Cause He's cool like that!)
5. When it comes to my own weakness, though... lets be real, its there! But its not hopeless... okay, verse time!! "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." and I really can't say it any better than that!

The First Step

So Monday night I was a little tired when I got home and went straight to bed, only to wake up the next morning to a strange glow from outside my window. No, it wasn't an alien spaceship... it was snow.
Unfortunately, I also had to drive across town for a 9:00 class, so I wasn't as thrilled as usual with this white turn of events. In general however, there is something very mystical, and almost renewing about snow.
It covers everything. Talk about a makeover! Its like putting a duvet cover on the world! Suddenly you can't see the stains, because its all blanketed in blinding white! (and don't even get me started about the "heavenly storehouses laden with snow!)
It plays no favorites. My 13year old Nissan, and the neighbors brand new Hummer still get covered with the same amount. (and while his seats might warm up faster with their built in warmers than mine will with plain old body heat, we still are both scraping the windshields and knocking snow off our side view mirrors.)
It makes my life interesting. Okay, so remember that little Nissan... yeah, it and snow... not so much friends! It makes my life VERY interesting sometimes! So I have become quite adept at quick handling when skidding, used to seeing my life flash before my eyes, and now don't even stop singing along with the radio when my car decides to travel down the road perpendicular to it instead of parallel. (JOY!)
It reminds me of the fact that my butt is saved. I believe there is a verse about, though our sins be as scarlet, He has washed us white as snow... yeah, that would be me being divinely redeemed, when I absolutely do not deserve it! And I look at the snow, blinding as it is (especially when the sun shines on it--cool analogy!), and wonder at having to go buy sunglasses at this time of the year, and then think that that is what God sees when he looks at me!
It ends. Yes, like all good things, this season must also end. The snow will melt into the ground, providing much needed moisture to keep all the trees and plants alive... and slowly, the snow will bring about renewal in the form of budding plants next spring.
So I throw a scarf around my neck, zip that coat up as far as it will go, and head out into the winter wonderland, to place a couple of well meaning footsteps on the "snows" of time... and leave my print in an unblemished plane!

Glitches in the Matrix

So I don't know about you, but when I make friends, I am one of those severely pessimistic people who love to search and search until I find that one thing that I can't stand about them. Not that I am a really awful friend, or really delight in finding people's faults...
I don't know, I guess I just operate under this supposition that what I don't know can easily sneak up and bite me. So if I know ahead of time what this "glitch" in the friendship is... then I can easily avoid uncomfortable situations, or know to have grace for a certain subject.
Okay, all that to say... I have been looking for Jenna's "glitch" for a long time! Jenna is one of those people that I knew right away when I met her, that she was a genuinely sweet spirit. (and I still maintain that stance!) And she was obviously someone who was connected with God's heart in ways that I was frankly jealous of, because I felt like I wasn't there, and didn't know how to get there. These people generally worry me more than the rest. First of all, I always feel dwarfed by them at first, and then completely overwhelmed when they befriend me! (again, openness and honesty are gonna be key, cause I can't even pretend to be on the same level spiritually!) And then, I actually start to get to know them, and low and behold... they have struggles too!! Who knew??
Somehow the gap starts shrinking... but there remains the one thing to be found... that darn "glitch".
I found Jenna's. That one thing about her that I just can't stand! She doesn't get LOST!
No seriously... I grew up here... in this county, right here in this town! But I swear that when we go driving with no destination in mind... I get completely lost, and annoying little Jenna knows exactly where she is! And even when she turns down a ramshackle old gravel road out in the boondocks of north-eastern Kansas, she always ends up back on a road that she knows!! And this isn't just in the day! Oh, no! This mistress of the highway and country road also can do so in the DARK!!
Okay, so right about now, you are undoubtedly getting ready to either skip this blog post because of the absurdity of such a severe reaction to such a trivial thing like inborn compasses... and minds that contain terrain maps... or to laugh your head off at what I finally figured out the "glitch" to be.
Oh, but the story does not end there... see once you find out what the "glitch" is... people with my complex and 'predictable' personality will naturally try and exploit the glitch. Joke about it, express their severe displeasure of it, smile inwardly every time it happens... you know, the usual.
So here's the deal: Jenna got LOST!!
I know what you are going to say... I drove her to it! (haha, no pun intended! I wasn't driving anyway) But it really was the most freeing thing... I really couldn't stop myself from laughing about it. So, yeah, we started from Manhappening... and ended up in Waterville. So, its kinda a bad thing when you are supposed to be headed towards your nice warm bed at home, and ahead of you, you spot a looming sign for Beatrice, NE!!
Not to say that I didn't enjoy every single minute of our glorious car ride together. In fact, I think that Jenna is one of the few people that I can sit in a car with for 3 hours and feel that we have only been talking for 10min. And Jenna, I do love you!~
But here lies the problem... having effectively gotten Jenna lost, I am now sans "glitch" for our friendship. I guess now I shall have to start all over...
Oh, but I shall have plenty of opportunity for finding "glitches"... I am going to live with my dear Jenna next semester!! And let me tell you, I can't wait!

They say it happens in Threes...

Its a myth in nursing homes... that it happens in threes. So if one resident passes away, the whole staff waits for the other two.
Maybe when we trivialize death, we think that it makes it a whole lot easier to cope with. In all actuality I think that it makes it that much harder. When we act like it doesn't phase us, I don't think we are actually doing anything for ourselves.
But forget about real death for a while... think about death of a dream, death of a relationship, death of a season in life...
What about those? Are we trivializing them too? Are we trying to bury them away in our subconscious where they won't hurt us, affect us, make us feel? And what exactly is it that we are so afraid of feeling in the first place? I wish I knew. I feel like maybe if I did I wouldn't feel so badly about all the deaths that I see/experience/feel around me or in me.
Sometimes I think its that I am too afraid to feel, lest I be vulnerable. Too afraid to hope, lest I be disappointed. Too afraid to afraid to love, lest I be get my heart broken.
But far back in my mind, I can recall those times when I wasn't afraid.
In fact I read about one of them just the other day... I was rereading one of my descriptions of life in my UG, and remembering the openness and lack of fear that I felt there. It probably, in all actuality, was just a special gift of grace for the moment, or as some would like to say, a change in mindset, and not something special about the place itself. And then I think of those times that I have stepped out and met people... people who are now my best friends in the world. And how such a little act of being open, and vulnerable has ushered in some of the most refreshing relationships!
And it doesn't help with the 'deaths', but it does help me go on 'living'... that knowledge that there is so much more to think, feel, experience, dream... that these deaths themselves are sometimes a pathway into life.
And I smile because I remember that even as my residents take their final breath... I see my fellow staff member saying goodbye... bent over with her pregnant belly in the way of that last hug...

These are a few of my favorite things...

Okay, call it peer pressure... but Ranger and Jenna did it... and so here I am too... posting a list of my favorite things...
In no particular order and by no means an exhaustive list:
*the color green... anywhere, anytime
*getting really fired up when I am writing... so that my thoughts flow faster than my hands over the keys... (and they can go pretty fast!)
*making someone's day
*having loooooOoooOOoooong talks with my best friends
*hanging out with no agenda... but just to "hang out"
*being told to "shut up, you're beautiful" when I am putting myself down
*talking to, loving on, pouring into, being poured into by, sharing life with... people half the world away
*that amazing hush right after a snow shower... when its dark and all the world appears asleep as the last few flakes drift to the ground and you can see (and almost hear) your breath its so quiet
*making the first print in a sea of fresh snow
*Indian summer
*summer sunsets on the savannah in Africa
*having my "bubble" popped
*finding a verse that speaks to my heart, that I have never heard before
*driving in my car, with the bass turned all the way up, the windows down, sunroof open, singing at the top of my lungs... (so long as no one else can hear me!)
*outdoing boys at their own game... (yeah, embarrassing, but true; it brings me a lot of pleasure!)
*praying until tears come, or I am shouting at the heavens, or I finally feel peace
*cooking, mindlessly cleaning, running errands efficiently, and other things domestic...
*sleeping with the windows open; falling asleep to music; falling asleep exhausted and content; falling asleep near a loved one...
*Mountain Dew or Chai tea, based on the need of the moment
*finding/thinking of/singing songs that speak directly to the heart
*pretty much anything African... or anything that can remind me of something African... (hmm, can we say obsession?)
*surprising people (usually pleasantly, but sometimes just to see their reaction)
*openness
*flowers
*giving a gift that makes someone cry
*being creative -- art, crafts, decorating, yeah...
*having and making plans (even ones I have little-to-no hope of ever carrying out)
*knowing I am loved, without hearing any words
*saying "I love you" without words
*"tromping" in the timber
*spinning around in a field of wildflowers or atop a hill as if I am Maria VonTrapp in the Sound of Music
*the smell of tractor grease and hay dust in old barns and farm trucks
*pretending I am really bad ass...
*wearing flip-flops and hoodies
*having "I-don't-care" moods
*listening to people's problems, asking that perfect question, seeing the light dawn as they realize they have known all along what they need to do about their problem, directing them back to Christ, loving them, and praying for them
*that sore feeling you have the day after you worked out really hard
*those moments when everyone in my family is laughing together
*the smell of baking
*texting
*bare-feet (anytime; but especially fun when squished deep in some good 'ol dirty Kansas mud!)
*knowing a little bit about everything, and using that information at opportune times...
*freedom (physical, governmental, spiritual, emotional, financial, relational)
*the number 7
*my God... even when I don't understand what He is doing, and when I am stupid and rebellious, He still loves me

Mad...... dly in Love?

So I am really getting the feeling right now that if I could just get good and mad at someone, or something for a bit, I would feel 10x better.
I know that is a lie of the devil in my life, cause this definitely isn't a Godly anger... and it definitely isn't an anger in which I wouldn't sin. But I am still stuck here with this feeling...
Almost like the anger would be able to unleash some sort of pent up aggression that I have been harboring towards situations in my life. And when I say situations, I really mean situations. I would have to honestly say that I am really not mad at the people who are involved in the situations, or even their actions or words which may have caused the situations.
Maybe I should take up boxing... hmmm...
But then I know that anger is not the key. Its what I want, but its not what would really make me feel better. In the end I would feel just as bad, if not worse. And the potential to damage relationships is... well, huge.
What I need is the exact opposite... a fresh dose of God's love. Both poured out over my life, and then spilling out of my overflowing cup onto/into those situations around me and ultimately into other's cups... and the chain keeps going...
I don't need anger... I need Love.

Going Green (Before it was Cool)

Okay, so it was a corny title... but my favorite color is green and I was just thinkin' on how much I really like the color green. And there are so many reasons... (okay, bear with me, cause this might get kinda silly!) Green is:

• The color of my birthstone (emerald)
• The color of my car (haha... also Emerald -- his name... I'll blog about that some other time)
  
• The color of God's creation -- plants, trees, flowers, its all green... in fact when we don't see green around us in our environments we consider it unhealthy. Did you ever notice the ability of a single green sprout to give us hope after a long winter? Don't you feel yourself come alive with the baby green of the first budding leaves in the spring, and fade into doldrums with the banishment of them in the fall... only to be renewed by the stark contrast of evergreens against a backdrop of drab brown, or brilliant white?
  
• A generally versatile color... I mean, seriously, what color doesn't it go with?? And don't even try to tell me that there exists such a color... I have already experimented... there isn't!
  
• Who doesn't green look good on? Pretty much anyone can find some shade of green that looks amazing on them.
• The only color that you will find used universally for any celebration... (greenery on the wedding flowers, spring green for Easter, Christmas red and green, Thanksgiving olive green, etc.)
• Denotes all systems "go" --green traffic lights, green chat indicators...
• Because of the mix of cool and warm colors... green is a very calm (cool), yet vibrantly alive (warm) color.

Oh, trust me I could go on... but that is really besides the point. And then, you ask: what exactly was the point? And for the first time in several posts... hmmm... I don't know if there was one!
Wow, that was freeing though!
Except of course... that this whole "going green" thing... yeah, I so already was on top of that one!!

The "R's"

So, last night I was feeling quite down... okay, so it wasn't just last night, but it has been kind of a constant struggle as of late. Part of it has to do with work, and part of it has to do with living situations, and part of it has to do with some strained relationships with a couple of the men in my life...
But the fact remains that I was feeling... well, quite honestly, defeated. So I changed my facebook status to reflect such: "Jo is dehydrated, decelerated, dissatisfied, dissident, and dissenting..." Yeah, bummer status, huh? But that is honestly the way that I was feeling.
And the sad thing is that I just kept going with my life. I joked with my sisters, I dragged myself to lifegroup last night, I went to a staff Christmas party, I tried to be "up" and "happy", but it all felt empty.
Even sadder... those weren't all the "D's" that I was feeling and could have listed... disconnected, decapitated, dysmorphic, depressed, dysrhythmic, deadened...
But sometimes God is gracious, and sorrow lasts for a night, but joy returns with the morning. About 2am, a very Godly man that I met online, left me a message saying that he hoped the "D's" would soon be replaced by "R's"... which seems an odd thing to say... until you think about it...
And then suddenly my mind was flooded with the promises of God...
Renewal, Relationship, Realness, Righteousness, Refreshment for the thirsty, Rest for the weary, Restoration for the wanderer, and the list goes on...
And the funny thing is that when I start to think about the pRomises of God, instead of the drudgery of this life, and suddenly all the "D's" start to blur and grow legs... they turn into "R's". I know that with my God all is not lost. I am not condemned to depression, but restored to His grace.
My new status: "Jo is refocused, rejuvenated, re'rap'ed, and recommitted."

btw: check out this song... How It Used To Be

Winter

So a little part of me just died inside... which is actually a good thing, cause it was something that God has been working for a long time to unclench my fist over. But now I feel almost more defeated than when it was defeating my life. Why is that?
Shouldn't I be overwhelmed with a freedom and vigor like I usually am when He finally gets to the heart of the matter and I let Him take full control? Maybe that joy and release hasn't come yet, because I am too emotionally invested in it this time.
In any case I feel very strongly the winter on my life. Not that things are completely caked in snow ten feet under, but just the death of so many wants and desires in my life.
Okay, so maybe it is more like a greenhouse farmer... cause I definitely see God doing a lot of growth in some areas. The just seem to be controlled and not out in the environment like I am used to. But maybe that is where He is having to start me out on some of this character building. In there, where it is just me and Him, and then someday, I'll be able to come out into the world a strong and vibrant plant that can last many winters.

Heart-Aching

So God has built me with this heart that has a strange ability to feel acutely for people...
And right now, I am really aching for a couple of my friends that are really dealing with relationship problems... undefined parameters, breaking up, jumping in too fast... kinda running the whole gamete on what the issues are.
And the people are varied, guys and girls, intro- and extro- vert personalities, strong and weak in the Lord,... but there is still the ache for every single one of them (no pun intended on the "single" part).
And maybe its too close to home... and that's why it aches so much. I have so many conflicting ideas, ideals, rules, and freedoms in that area, that I see all to clearly the struggle that it is!
Part of me really wants to rebel against that and say that if something was really God's will He would work it out in a way that was perfectly natural, and not so much of an emotional battle. But then again, I look back on what God has done in my past, and the times that He grew me the most where the times of greatest struggle.
So here I am, with still the ache, but the knowledge that God has a plan, and I can trust Him perfectly, not only in my life but in those of my friends.
My mission is not the ache, (unless it is a tool to drive me to my knees for them), and its not pity (but confidence in God's strength), and not withdrawal from messy situations (but standing with them in encouragement, and building them up for absolute purity).

Wants, Desires, and Callings

Okay, so my current struggle is with knowing what to do...
So I have an abundance of counselers, but I feel like it is confusing me more than giving me wisdom!! How does one sort through their own desires, those of their family, their friends, and also ascertain what God's calling in their life is??
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and sometimes I wish that no matter what I did, people would still love me, and not judge me!! But here I am, with so many people that I love, and that I know love me, and while I love the fact that they care enough to offer their wisdom... I feel like every time one of them opens their mouth, I have something else to add into my equation that I hadn't thought of before. I know that I need to think through everything. But sometimes, I wish it were just me and God making my decisions, and not all these other things added into it...
And then I come back to the place where, ultimately, it is just me and God making these decisions. Who am I answering to, if not directly to my God? And who else answers to God for my decisions (no matter how much they influence them)?
See, if it is still on my shoulders, if it is ultimately just me and my God doing this thing... then I have a whole heck of a lot more freedom. And then I can stand back and look at the counsel from family and friends, as just that... counsel.
Not something that has to directly effect the way that I am functioning in my decision making process, but just something to think about, pray about, bring back to ask God about, ponder... But sans the pressure of always having to think that I am rejecting what they have to say if I decide against what they are telling me is a good idea.
Because, ultimately, I know that if my God is with me, who can stand against me??

Oppression

Wooohh... Deep, dark title... and rightly so...
See what is laying on my heart and mind right now is an overwhelming urge to be fighting, with constant prayer, for the saints.
Which leads me to a question: What do you know about spiritual warfare?
Okay, perhaps I should define what I mean by that term first, because it gets tossed around in Christian circles, but I think that very few people actually really think about it, or really, know what to think about it! When I say "spiritual warfare" I am referring to an alternate realm, existing within our world, but all too often unseen. (and now, you officially have my permission to label me as a radical and proceed to continue reading whatever I have to say with a conservatively cautious eye!) I firmly believe that there are forces, forces of good and evil, operating within our world. We are usually not aware of them in the U.S. but I think worldwide the spirit world is more easily recognized. I don't know if I can paint a clear, concrete picture of what I perceive the spirit world to consist of... but I do know this: when I encounter it, it very often leaves me unsettled.
Okay, now I'll have to go back and explain what I mean by unsettled... I mean to say that while I have very rarely felt directly attacked by the evil forces of the spirit world, (we'll call them demons), I can, at times very acutely feel their presence. I've been told that this is a gifting of the Holy Spirit, but I think that it also requires a mind that is open and willing to be vigilant at watching for the attacks of Satan over our lives. I don't mean by any means to say that I feel effected by the demons (see, I believe that I am protected by my relationship with Christ, where I am sealed by His blood), and while it is possible that I may give the devil a foothold in my life and allow him to effect an area of my life for a season... because of the seal of Christ's blood over my life, I am not to be controlled or ruled by these evil forces. (but how I often give him a foothold, i.e. fear!) My unsettling usually comes from looking about me at the masses of souls who are not sealed. They are sitting ducks; easy targets for the fiery arrows of the Devil.

Okay, all of that to say: My current burden is strong for my community of Christ followers. From talking to people and praying together... I am just sensing a huge oppression upon us all from evil forces. I can't explain it fully, it almost makes me excited, knowing God is about to do something, and the Devil wants nothing more than to stop His advance. But it also makes me concerned for those around me that either: A. can't see that this battle is spiritual, and are still fighting at an emotional level, or B. have handy footholds for Satan already set up in their lives or are already experiencing the Devil having "one leg up" in their lives, or C. those who are actively fighting, but are loosing faith in running headlong into this cloud of darkness, unable to see the lights on their right and left of others struggling in prayer for the same cause!
So, my charge for today is prayer!
The ironic thing is that I have not been able to sleep well at all the last couple nights, but didn't really know why. Last night was little better as far as restlessness, but this time I knew why! And its the battle of prayer until my eyes drift shut!!

December

So this is my first post for the month of December, and let me tell you, it has snuck up on me!! (and yes, snuck is a word)
Seems that this whole semester has dragged its stubborn feet, and flew by like a teenager with an new auto license. I only had one class this semester which both simplified and complicated my life. See I am one of those annoying individuals with a huge propensity to get massive amounts of work done when the piles start staring me in the face, and very little done when I don't have any pressure exerted on my life.
Well, my mom has officially put up the Christmas tree in our family home. But I have yet to feel Christmassy... (and yes, that is a word too!). I was talking to one of my absolute best friends the other day, and this is my take on the phenomenon of being "out" of the Christmas spirit... are you ready for this??

Okay, what is up with "Christian" holidays anyway? I mean, celebrating Christ's birth or his resurrection, while I don't feel that they are inherently bad, what do they really have to do with this every day faith that I am supposed to be culturing? Why am I only thanking God for the gift of sending His perfect Son to my fallen world only once a year? Why am I rejoicing in His divine plan of saving my absolutely messed up life through conquering death and breaking its shackles that were around my feet, only once in the spring time, by wearing a cute dress and white shoes on my loose feet?? I mean, PLEASE!!
People, are we not supposed to be celebrating thankfully for these gifts every single day? And if so... why do we need a special holiday designated for this purpose?
I'm not, by any means advocating the abolition of holidays all together... (I still want my time and a half pay!!) but just wondering with all the secularizing of these holidays, and our general outcry on that behalf, are we missing maybe the deeper underlying truth of what God is wanting to communicate?
What if we were to quit living forward to the holiday, and starting living the gift today! Every hour, every day!

Thankfulnessgiving

So, of course today is Thanksgiving, and while I am generally lacking in the complete spirit of the occasion presently (perhaps directly related to the fact that I have to work today)... I thought I should probably write a little something about the really BIG blessings that God has poured into my life in the last year.
1. My job... Now, technically I had my job before last Thanksgiving... but I don't know if I completely appreciated it, or really understood what God wanted to teach me through it. And let me tell you, He's got lessons in EVERYTHING! Its usually only a matter of finding what they are! Also He has been so good in preserving my job for me, and even raising me up in it, even when I thought I was going to lose my job.
2. My friends... God has really poured some amazing friends into my life here recently. Tons of amazing girl and guy friends who are there to build me up in the Lord and lift me up to Him in prayer... and, what a blessing, I get to do the exact same in their lives!! Man, I never knew the fellowship of the saints could be this sweet! But I fall in love with what God wants to do in our lives and "body" every time that I talk to them!
3. My calling... Now this one is kinda sticky... but I'm going to list it all the same. See God called me to Africa last summer, but while I was there, He just kept opening and opening my heart to the place. So now I have this completely amazing and far-out calling to somewhere far away... and let me tell you it is the most amazingly freeing feeling that exists out there...
4. My relationship with God... Okay, yes, this one sounds all spiritual and what-not but really God has been growing me... and the way that He does that most effectively is by breaking me first! So yeah, this last year has been full of breaking... but the mending is so sweet that one hardly minds the cracking...
Well, that is most of my list for now... not to the exclusion of some other really big things in my life, just a small smattering of my thankfulness from this last year!

Writing...

So, I really haven't written much on here in gosh, who knows how long! It's actually quite pathetic!! But I have made a new pact to get better and try and post more often and not leave so many loose threads all just jumbled around in my head instead of out here on paper...
So that much being said, I really am not sure how much of what is really going on in my life and experience can be transferred to this blog for general reading purposes... Well, you might have guessed it by now... but its all relationships right now!
Guess I never was much of a girl for relationships in general... I have always shied away from as much involvement as possible with other people... I am in fact, by nature, an introvert! But then there is this problem that I have... See I am kinda intimately connected with a God that actually is an extreme extrovert. Yeah, He is very concerned with us living to His name, renown, and glory, but... He also calls us to love in the ways that He loved... giving away very life for the sake and love of others.
Yeah, jaw dropper... cause how am I of all people, supposed to love like that?? What kind of complete and total abandon to love for others would that entail? And might I not get hurt?
Ahh, so now we have hit on the real fear here!! The possibility... no almost certainty... that when you allow your heart to be invested in another fallen human being (and their hearts are desperately wicked above all else) they will take it and break it... if not cut it out with a chainsaw... snip it with kitchen shears, burn it with their lighter, stomp it into the ground, and then add insult to injury by spitting on it!
Yeah, I know I am rather dark... but the fact remains... He asks us to still love them.
Despite their unlovableness, despite the fact that they have hurt us in the past, looking beyond their shallowness, delving deep into their heart and taking a small peek at what Christ sees when He looks at them, and then loving them... perfectly... with Christ's love.
Because you know that on our own strength we have absolutely no power to conjure up this kind of love that will allow itself to suffer and still remain. It's only through Christ's unconditional love that I can keep going through the everyday with people who hurt me, or neglect me, or strain and stress me... and to look at them still with love and say, "It's okay, I've got broad shoulders; I can take it." And proceed to love them still.
And I won't say that Christ's love always fills me, or makes it so that I always feel the love that I should have in my heart for them. But in my weakness, He shows His strength. And I may fail, but He remains faithful. Its still a struggle, but we all have to make continual little decisions to purpose to love those around us in a way that gives all, loves beyond limits, stretches past our prejudices, sees through shortcomings, and reaches out our hearts even when they are bound to get hurt. It's the love of Christ; we can pursue no less.

Baseball... Life

So as I was pondering the great mysteries of life this morning as I sat down to have my morning cup of tea, scan headlines, and change my facebook status... I was just realizing the unique tendency of life in general to hit us with its best shot... i.e. nothing... and then wham!! It all hits at once! I personally find this slightly overwhelming at times, if not a bit... oh... I don't know... disheartening!!
But then, like the avid thinker that I am, I immediately recognized that in this dismal piece of life observation there is a defining key for growth!!
See, I wonder if when life is hitting us with fast balls at a million miles a second, does it not make us step up a little more to the plate? Maybe our best swing will only connect with air... but then again... transfer of momentum anyone?? It takes a whole lot less powerful of a swing to send a fast-ball sailing over the fence than it does for a slow pitch softball!
True, no bunting (enough to get by), but then again, who said our goal in life should be to just get to the next base? Aren't we called to all out, abundant, on-the-edge, fast paced, home run, victorious type of living?
Maybe it only appears that we're getting hit with fast-balls because we were looking for something slow enough to bunt!

Wealth

So I have been thinking a lot recently about my own wealth... Now, don't get the wrong idea here... I am not, by any "American" description of the word, wealthy. In fact I am pretty sure that my tax bracket puts me on the lower end of earning in this country. But the fact is that I have a whole freakin' lot!!!
Some of it is just stuff... I have an entire room filled with "stuff", not to mention the trunk and back seat of my car, which seem to be always accumulating more junk. Some of it is good "stuff", there is a detailed medical emergency kit (proof of my nursing ways) and a complete set of wrenches in my trunk, along with a sleeping bag and extra jacket... and some of it is completely unnecessary, like the entire shelf of stuffed animals in my bedroom. I can't remember the last time that I really cared to play with stuffed animals, and at the same time, I really hate to get rid of them, since most were gifts... so there they sit, right next to that picture that I painted, and the collection of CDs that I never use... all that framing another cutesy knick-knack. And don't even get me started on my dresser... the very fact that I have to dig through a pile of scarves that would safely tie together for an impressive clown trick, just to find my brush... yeah, is that pathetic or what? And why do I have so much jewelry? I only ever wear that one necklace... or borrow my sister's. Which leads me to my closet... ooohh, sore subject there... half this stuff probably never really gets worn, but yet there it is... just taking up space.
So, I have been thinking about the blessedness of having very little...
And of course there are about a million Proverbs to go along with this... "better a little with fear of the Lord, than great wealth with turmoil"; "better a little with righteousness, than much gain with injustice"; "better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind"; "better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed, than to share plunder with the proud"; "better a dish of vegetables with love, than a fatted calf (read juicy steak) with hatred"; "better a dry crust of bread with peace, than feasting with strife"; "the rich man may use his riches for the ransom of his life, but the poor hears no threat"... etc...
In general I am one of those people that would agree with the Proverb: "... give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, "who is the Lord?" or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of God."
But I wonder if sometimes God calls some of us to a little more than that... If sometimes He actually asks us to give up all that we have and place our lives and fates completely in His hands?
Sometimes does He ask for a special devotion by some of us? A willingness to give all, hold nothing back, give sacrificially, live for only the day. Never cease in prayer for our needs, and never cease to be amazed by His provision of them.
"But just as you excel in everything- in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us - see that you also excel in this grace of giving. I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, He became poor, so that you, through His poverty, might become rich." (2Cor 8:7-9)

"When God?"

One thought/question that has constantly been on my mind recently is "when?" See in this last little bit, God has brought me to so many places of quiet surrender, prepared my heart for things that He wants to do, and changed my very plans/outlook for life...
But with all of this, (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE what He is doing!) I also get to accept His timetable for these sorts of things.
I don't know what it is about human nature in general, but we really hate adhering to someone else's timetable. I think this is poignantly true when it comes to our dearest and truest Scheduler... God. This has been pointed out to me by several dear friends... and by personal study, recently. Not only do I look at a timetable that someone (or Someone) else has set out with a critical eye, but often also with a rebellious spirit! Why is my first response, "Can't we get this all done sooner than that?" or "No, we can't rush with this, we need to wait for that kind of a big step!"
But when I proceed to do this same thing with God, I know, right from the start, that it is completely wrong! It's one thing to look at man's plans... imperfect people... and criticize, but to look to our Heavenly Father, who loves us more than we can imagine in our wildest dreams... and to flat out tell Him that we don't think He knows best what is right for us... or when it is right for us? It's downright crazy!!
So I find myself resting in the promise that as the heavens are higher above the earth, so His ways are higher than mine... I can't understand or comprehend everything that He is doing, but I have to be able to come to the place where I can trust fall into His arms and forever rest there.

As a Kitten

Oh, to recapture the joy of being a kitten in a prayer meeting. How we often come to a place in our lives where the task before us becomes more momentous than the life before us! How we need a divine refocus to realize that the joy of the kitten can be ours. Yes, the task is before us, but God commands full, abundant living! We need rest, we need restoration, but we need a fresh dose of joy most of all! We need to be able to find a toy in a shoelace or a moving hand. We need to be able to see life in a way that makes light of our surroundings that delights in those small joys. That is able to romp happily, to attack eagerly, to go until unable to stand, and finally plopping down in the lap of the One who loves us most.

Living on Love

"The question is asked. 'Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?'
And the answer is given. 'Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love... Old love.' "
-Author Unknown

I have had, in my still relatively short life, opportunity to watch and learn from so many great couples. Probably my favorite couple was my grandparents. My grandpa was 7years older than my grandma, and they were not one of those couples that people were thrilled with. It was just a mismatch. My grandpa was this hard-working deeply-tanned farm boy, fresh back from a tour of duty, and my grandma was fresh out of high school with a small frame, and lily skin. But they were in love. And in all those years I don't think they ever fell out of love! I remember finding one of those "naughty" birthday cards that my grandma had gotten for my grandpa for his birthday. I mean, they were just that "in-love". Even up until the end, when my grandpa went through the cancer... and as it ravaged his body which had always been so healthy, my grandma became the strong one. I was reading something this weekend and it reminded me of that scene which is so vivid in my head of sitting on the swingset with my grandpa probably the last time that i saw him, and him talking about Grandma, and how she was the best thing that ever happened to him. And the equally as pungent memory of walking into that beautiful house (that he built with his own two hands for her) the day of the funeral and meeting my grandma in the hall... and there was no words, we just went straight into each other's arms. And she was once again the strong one as we clung to each other and cried. I have visited that gravesite so many times, with my grandma and all alone, and just stood there, wondering and wishing, with a few tears. Because I wonder if I will ever be able to have a love like theirs.
And the real thing that got me to thinking about all this was one of my patients the other day... cause I was thinking how she can't even hear him anymore, and he forgets where she is when she goes to the hair salon, but they still share the same bed every night and tell each other "I love you" before the lights go out.
I wonder how much of it is just habit... and how much of it is that they really feel the way that we do now, when we are hot and heavy and wanting to be near each other every second of the day? Is it possible to keep that... to be fully in love for the rest of your life?
Or is it a different kind of love?
"In fact the state of being 'in love' usually does not last... but of course ceasing to be 'in love' does not mean ceasing to love. Love... is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace, which both partners ask and receive from God..." --C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Chilly Weather Indoors

So it is getting to the time of year here in my part of the country where all the leaves are falling dead to the ground, the skies are overcast nearly every day and that blasted wind is whistling in from the north like a freight train trying to make up lost time!
Okay, now I like the seasons as much as the next guy out there... but seriously! This bitter cold is the one thing that I really can't stand! Maybe it has to do with my stint in Africa this summer... I am just not conditioned for cold weather anymore! Or maybe it has to do with my rediscovered love of the outdoors. Quite possibly it really has only to do with my aversion to change... change in weather, change in lifestyle, change in interactions.
What is it about the cold that makes us withdraw... We don't interact as much, there's not as much to go out and do... We kinda draw back into our houses, or coffee shops to nurse our frigid extremities with warm drinks and temps and block out the outside world. Only to reemerge once the entire world has been covered over in a film of white in order to once again enjoy fellowship with the rest of the world.
Then, by the time the spring rolls around we are so sick of being cooped up inside that we bust out at the first sign of adequate weather and get a nice head cold to accompany our eagerness!
But if it is the aversion to change that I hate so much then maybe the cold is exactly what I need.
See life is all about change and if we don't learn to accept that fact and "roll with the punches" we end up being knocked to the floor, or knocked out!
Seems God has a lot of change already planned for our lives, so we might as well accept it and learn to grow and change... almost a sort of evolution into what/who we really were meant to be!

Delight

So, for the last few years a verse that has really just stuck with me and ministered especially to me is Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Funny thing is that for most of my life I didn't really understand this verse. See, like a lot of Americans today, I was only too willing to turn to God when I wanted something. This verse, if anything, really supported that theory... Problem is, theory that is untested is just that... theory. And goodness knows that I never really tested it! So here I was stuck with a notion that if I wanted the desires of my heart, all I had to do was delight in the Lord. Okay, so not that hard, right?
WRONG!!!
First of all, I was reading the verse backwards... it doesn't say that in order to get the desires of your heart delight yourself in the Lord; it says delight yourself in the Lord and then you'll get the desires of your heart. I was going about it the wrong way. See, God isn't some sort of pop machine where you put in the change and make your selection, and out pops your choice soda... God actually desires change in our lifestyles, thought processes, and general outlook... which takes us into point #2...
Secondly, so if we put it back into the right order and look at how we are to go about it... We are delighting in the Lord in the beginning. Okay, so what does that look like? And how does it affect the outcome? Well, its just like this... When we delight, and I mean really delight, in the Lord, He is in the business of changing our hearts. Yeah, so what was the desire of your heart... maybe not so much anymore! God is good about doing things like that!
Thirdly, as much as God really loves His children, He really isn't the kind that is only interested in us getting the desires of our hearts. See, He is also a really amazing loving Father, and He knows that sometimes what we want is not always the best thing for us. So then when we start delighting in Him, the desires of our hearts are taking back burner... and sometimes when they are back there just simmering, they start to boil dry. Suddenly we really don't want them anymore. Then we are free to throw out our silly desires, and ask God what He has to fill our pots. Or, we realize that He is also in our desires and we aren't to be giving them up... but maybe He has a different spice to add, or a different time schedule for simmering that desire. Somehow it always turns out better when He is the one doing the cooking!

Life Happens

So yeah, life happens, and sometimes it really isn't pretty at all! This has really been my life of late... the pressure of work finally climaxed to the point where I don't even know if I have a job any more... (I know, nursing is supposed to be job security!)
Anyway, all weekend I have been struggling with this and some other stuff in my life that is going down... and it is all confusing and had thrown me into a miniature depression.
So then today, I open my Bible, and what is staring me in the face... (I just randomly flipped it open, but apparently God was directing my fingers...) Hosea 6 (and seriously who reads Hosea?)
"Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will restore us, that we may live in His presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
Okay, so what does that all mean? First of all, for me, it meant that God had specifically ordained (ie. planned, premeditated, mapped, forethought) this time in my life. He was the one who had torn me to pieces... but He was also the one who could restore!
Almost like a surgeon doing surgery on a misaligned broken bone, it is necessary sometime for God to inflict wounds for the very purpose of resetting our lives to function properly. The thing to remember is not only did He start the surgery, but He remains our Physician through the healing. He doesn't leave us to someone else's care; He stays by our sides until those wounds are completely healed and bound up! (and quite honestly, even afterwards!
Okay, so secondly, for me, there was also a promise... that He would not let me stay wounded, but that He had already provided a way, and He was in the business of reviving me on the second day... (would have been yesterday) and on the third day restoring me! And the thing is that He is faithful, even when I am faithless... and He is true to his promises, even when I fail to trust them. He had already started the revival yesterday through some very true friends who were not afraid to love on me and speak Christ into my life!
And then today I am still down, and I flip open to this passage... and let me tell you my entire viewpoint changed... Just like that the He has restored me!
But, He does His restoration for a reason... (lest we get too hasty and "feel goody" about this!)... check out the next part of the verse! "... that we may live in His presence." This is His plan, when He brings us through this... to have us become more and more reliant on Him and His love!
Then He delights to come to us like the winter rains, and like the spring rains that water the earth, He brings refreshment and healing into our lives that we are able to grow and flourish resting in the fertilizer of the hard times, and stretching tender shoots up towards heaven!

Bitterness

So I just realized that my friend was right... He told me once that people are like tea: if they steep too long they become bitter.
I got wrapped up in what I was doing on the computer and definitely let my tea steep too long today... and yeah, its a little bitter and I am not enjoying it as much as normal.
Then I got to thinking... (and that is never good!) I have been going through a small area of depression in my life, and while I am still functioning, its like part of the sparkle has gone out of life. Then I realized, that like the tea, I have been steeping too long. And its not even about something unGodly... its actually a vision that God has given me for my future... I have just been dwelling on it entirely too much, so that it is stealing my heart and concentration away from the here and now. Now it is obviously something that I need to think about... (imagine if you didn't let your tea steep at all!), but its also something that needs to have its perfect time limit, and not defeat the purpose of steeping at all! (think: your milk is cold by the time you add your tea... blek!)
So that is my thought for the day... and sorry about the unoriginality of thought... (btw, this guy can pretty much make up "life is like..."s about anything! and I know cause I challenge him to it frequently!) Don't be the bag of tea that has been steeping until you are bitter. Don't let yourself be that brew that steals joy from the rest of life! Purpose now to only dwell on the excellent, and to allow for God's perfect times and seasons!

What God can Use: _______

So I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, (yes, you made the blog once again; don't you feel special!)... and was explaining one of my favorite passages in scripture. It is a really odd passage, but once I explain why it is so special to me, I think that you will understand and maybe you'll have a new favorite passage as well...
Preface: I am one of those people, like a lot of people that I meet, that struggles with feelings of insufficiency. Feelings that I will never be good enough, that I am not relationship material, that I can't be a good enough sister to my siblings, that I am incapable of loving my parents the way that they deserve, I can't be a good enough nurse, I can't live an example of a Godly life, I am not worthy of the respect of my friends, that I am unable... The list goes on, but that is not the point.
I stumbled across this passage one day, completely by accident. Its one of those passages that generally I would just have skipped over, but that day it struck a special cord in my heart, and has continued to ever since...
The passage is John 11:49-52--Basically, if you'll allow me to paraphrase, the priests are all gathering around and unhappy about Jesus usurping their position with the people... and they are like all plotting and grumbling and then the high priest speaks up and says "You know nothing at all! Don't you know that it would be better for you that one man die for the people than for the whole nation to perish."... and this in and of itself isn't that big of deal, okay, I'll give you that. But look at what the next verse says... "He didn't say this on his own, but as high priest that year he prophesied that Jesus would die for the Jewish nation, and not only for that nation, but also for the scattered children of God, to bring them together and make them one." This is the part that gets me! See this guy was advocating that they make sure that Christ was put to death... and yet God was still able to use this guy to prophesy His divine redemptive plan! That just blows my mind when I think of it.
First of all, how could God use someone who was so against His plan to actually accomplish His plan? I mean this is not one of those guys that you would really classify as being near and dear to the vision of God's heart! And then second, I think... if God can use someone like that... why do I not believe that He is able to use me? I mean, at least I am batting for His team, right? Would He not much rather use that open, willing, moldable heart, which we have offered to His service? Why is that so hard to trust that He is able? Even that He desires it? Oh, me of little faith...
So that is my passage of encouragement for you... that God is able to use anything and anyone to accomplish His purposes... But let me tell you, I'd much rather that He used me as a willingly servant! What are you feeling insufficient for today? Do you believe in a God big enough to use you? Even you?
So, fill in the blank.... What God can use: _____.... the answer is YOU!

Prayer

Oh, my goodness! God wants to stir our hearts; He wants to do great things in, through, around us... but we have a really clear-cut mission... and it starts from our knees!
There is something really humbling about prayer that really puts us in exactly the place that we need to be in order to really access the heart of God.

• Our knees: coming to God in humility... now I have to admit right now, that I rarely actually get on my knees when I come to God in prayer, at least not literally. But in my heart, my will is bent, my mental knees are bowed to a God who is so much more powerful, and holy, and just, and wise than silly little old me! When we are coming to God with this kind of humility, He promises to hear our pleas. "The sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite heart".
• Our eyes diverted: blocking out distractions... now, once again, I seldom actually close my eyes when I am actually praying. I like to pray with my eyes open, (kind of an extension of the thought of looking for God to act even while I am praying). Usually I find that I can pray when I am reading His word for inspiration, or if I am just looking off into space, (often His creation). I think that there is real benefit in prayer walking and praying for everything, everyone that you see as the Lord leads, but I also see benefit in closing out everything around you and communing directly with my Savior.
• Our hearts broken: its almost impossible to come to God without feeling a certain degree to dependence, brokenness, insufficiency, etc... Mostly I think that is because the healthy don't need a doctor, and Christ came specifically to minister to those of us who need a crutch for our broken leg. (and aren't too proud to admit it!) When I go to prayer without this heart, my pride puts up walls and I might as well be yelling into my pillow, because when my heart is not right before God, I don't feel that He is even inclining an ear to my prayer, plus my own heart isn't in it. When we come before God with broken and contrite hearts, we find that He is willing and ready, even eager to hear the cries of our broken hearts.

I am sure that there are dozens more ways that God brings us perfectly into prayer, but I just wanted to point out and highlight a few that have been really important to me in coming to know how to better converse with my Savior.
Feel free to add other points to the comment board...

Priorities

Did you ever notice how when you have something that really needs to get done and it needs to be first priority on your page long list... that it is the last thing on the whole darn list that you even attempt to do?
I think that I read an article outlining this very thought once, so my apology's if it is highly unoriginal. The author of the article outlined a very clear way to procrastinate and still get things done. His theory was by putting something really not urgent at the top of your list, and focusing all your energy on convincing yourself that it needs done today... then you are free to complete all the other items before even considering working on it!
I don't know how many times I have come back to this principle in life. Like the fact that right now, I shouldn't even be on here, but I should be working on a project to go in a package that I need to ship out tomorrow... yeah, I don't think that it is going to be done...
So instead of getting busy, I am sitting here typing about how I should really be busy... anybody else see an oxymoron happening here?

Scattered Thoughts for the Day

1. Okay, so the 2 jalepenos in my salsa, instead of the usual one, may have been a huge mistake... and the fact that I decided to leave some of the seeds in the peppers... yeah, cause its not like that is the absolute hottest part of the pepper!!! Brilliancy Joanna!
2. I think your computer runs smoother/faster if you complete the defrag on a schedule...
3. Random people that add you on facebook, and you have no friends in common, and you don't know what their connection with you is... yeah, do you add them as a friend, and then ask them who they are? or do you ignore them? or do you assume that you just forgot them accidentally and wait for them to say something that would remind you that you do indeed know them?
4. Hillsong United -- uhm, yeah, check out their music!
5. IM-- the most absolute best way to waste ridiculous amounts of precious time. Must participate in at least 5 conversations at the same time to get the full effect.
6. Procrastination and complacency are so easy. Live each day as if on purpose.

Diverse a' Teas!

So, as my friendly wait staff at the best coffee shop in the country have duly informed me... there is more to the world than Chai tea!
Shocking, I know! I had formerly been completely convinced that there was only one kind of drink to be had at any coffee shop, and while Chai still holds a very dear spot in my heart, I have discovered the beauty of many different tea lattes here recently. Yesterday it was a peppermint, lemon, honey tea latte! Amazing, and very therapeutic... imagine if you had a cold! Then today it is a tropical tea latte, which has hints of citrus! Also delicious and fruity!
So, what does discovering different kinds of teas have to do with anything? Great question... I had a discussion with one of my good friends the other day about how we are similar and how we are different, (and let me tell you right now, there is probably more on the different end of life.) We were actually talking together and questioning how we were even friends at all, because our lives are so opposite. At the time, I told him that I would have to write a blog post about it, but when I got back to the computer nothing was coming.
Now, as I am sitting here enjoying my diversity in teas, I think back to the conversation, and realize that God gives us so many different people in our lives, (even those who are strangely different from us) for specific reasons. Sometimes we learn the most from people that we are really, really not similar with at all! The way they look at life gives us insight into our own all to often; and their zeal for new causes, leaves us questioning our complacency in our own. How often do they introduce us to new loves, new passions, new ideas, new joys?
Now, think for a minute about how often you shut down people that are really different than you. How often do you completely disregard them as a person, or discount what they have to say about an issue because it is something that you are not familiar with. Are we resisting the diversity that will bring growth? Are we shutting out exactly what God wants to pour into our lives?

Are You Real?

When you tell me to put my heart out there,
You make is sound so good,
But how do I know you won’t take and break,
Like all these others would.
What makes you so different than the one before,
You sell something special; you have something more?
What do you have to offer?
-I’ve already given it away
Security, what can you offer?
-A genuine heart that will stay
What do you have to love me with?
-A dying love, but pure
Why would you want me anyway?
-I made you, I know you, but sure
-Doubt that I’ll really fulfill you,
-Question My motives of love,
-Spit in the face that is bearing your thorns
-Laugh at the One hung above
-Strung like a thief on a cross of rough wood
-Naked, and battered and scarred.
-Tell me that no, I can’t love you enough
-Convince Me that it’s just too hard…

Be Strong and Courageous

So, I was at prayer meeting yesterday, and we were just praying for campus ministries here in town. During the course of prayer, we kept coming back to God raising up leaders that would be full of courage and boldness.
With my lightning sharp Bible skill reflexes (uhm, so not!) there was one verse that came to mind, (cause sometimes God likes to impress upon our hearts something through scripture). Anyway the passage is from Joshua, where God is talking to Joshua, and telling him what is up.
So God is going along telling him, "Be strong and courageous... you're going to lead the people... be strong and very courageous... obey all the commands that I gave you... don't depart from my law... Have I not commanded you: be strong and courageous... Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." --
So I was just reading through and praying this verse over the leaders lives, even those whom God would raise up. (and let me tell you right now, I dislike praying that God would raise up people, because all too often, He wants me to be the one raised up... and the pressing on my heart to pray for it is merely His way of preparing my heart for the task! So I am constantly praying these prayers with a full understanding, that I need to also be willing to be the answer as well as the pray'er.)
Just thinking how often people go to the "great commission" passage as God's promise to never leave or forsake us, but I wonder if most people realize that it is also just as clearly stated here? The thing about God raising up people for Himself is that we don't need to be afraid (like I always am!) that God is going to get us into some sort of situation that we can't handle... (Seriously, what can we handle?)
He has commanded us specifically to be strong and courageous! Not terrified, not discouraged, He is with us! No greater power ever stood behind a single human being! It makes me think of Aragorn in LOTR (sorry for the silly analogy) when he was hopelessly in defeat at Helm's Deep, and yet when others would have given up "What can men do in the face of such reckless hate?", he responded, "Ride out and meet them!". Because there is no timidity, no doubt in Christ. Our hand may tremble with the sword, but it does not drop!

Why?

I really want to know why the beautiful moments and conversations in life always happen when you are supposed to be doing something else? Then, when you actually have time, nothing is going on, no one is free, no one wants to talk...
The most beautiful conversations happen when I am supposed to be doing homework. I have the best fun with my siblings when I should be getting ready to leave. And people call me on the phone to talk when I am at work. Kinda like it never rains, but it pours!
Is there some sort of magic equilibrium that I have yet to find, where you can balance out everything that needs to be done, but still be able to drop everything to spend time on what really counts in life?
Or maybe it is just God tugging on my heart and telling me that I need to be finding all my joy in Him alone, regardless.

Rain

Well, I am pretty sure that people have drowned in less water than what I just had to wade to get here today... Lets just say its rainy in the old town! What really doesn't help is that the cafe is definitely lower than lake level, so when there are really big rains... there is pretty much no where for the water to go! Hench the small creek that I waded this morning!
I should also tell you though that I really do love rain! One of my special joys and delights in life is walking in the rain! Especially a good warm summer rain, then I love to run outside and splash in the puddles that run down our street. (and yes, I know that is childish, but you really ought to try it sometime, because it is so much fun. I think it probably takes about a half a year off of your life every time that you do it!)
So I had the absolutely most heart felt talk with a guy once... and he was the oddest guy (completely covered in tattoos, always wore black, you know...) Anyway I was talking to him about walking in the rain, and we were looking out the window, (from work, which there wasn't any to do, hence the talk) and watching people in the rain. I think it is a very interesting study in human nature to watch people walk in the rain. Let me explain what I mean...
* There are the people that walk down that street and their every aim is to make sure that none of the rain gets on them. Not a drop, cause it might ruin their nearly immaculate appearance. Their umbrellas are up, and I might add, unnecessarily big! The gingerly step over or walk all the way around every puddle. Their chief goal, it appears is to never let themselves be spoiled with one drop of the precipitation.
* Then there are the people that don't much seem to care. It appears that the rain is simply one more obstacle that life has put in their way to slow them down. But they too have their umbrellas out, because goodness knows, "a little rain isn't going to slow me down, and I'll come out unscathed if it can be done!" They are oblivious to the rain, except as it impedes their progress forward. They however may march right through a puddle unswerving and unfeeling because it allows them to speed their journey.
* And of course there are the people that really seem to enjoy the fact that they were too cool to wear a slicker or use an umbrella. They appear not to mind too much the fact that they are trudging through the rain, getting soaked clear through, and their faces seem to say that "this is just my luck". As if life is one giant thunderstorm which they have no hope of evading, and have therefore found it much easier to just drag their way through it. "Puddles? Who cares, I am going to catch my death of pneumonia anyway..." Their eyes seem to want to release tears to fall down with the rain and mingle in one puddle on the ground.
* Then there are the people that glory in the rain. Somehow, I believe they have found the secret to life. These particular people may or may not sport an umbrella, they generally dress for the rain, but are not afraid to catch a drop in their hand. They didn't necessarily venture out today just because it is raining, but they don't mind it too much. Their eyes see the beauty in the rain, and while they are still realistically conscious of the results, they don't mind splashing through a puddle or two, even on purpose. They may be observed catching raindrops in their mouths. And standing in the street side current in bare feet, (while completely unsanitary), brings a strange sparkle to their eye. Its almost like the loveliness of the fact that everything around them is being renewed by the torrents somehow seeps into their hearts and renews them as well.
Okay, so what was all that, you ask? That was my futile attempt to put into living colors for you the beauty of suffering.
Yeah, I know, now you are completely lost. But think about it for a little while... then decide, when God brings suffering (rain) into your life what are you doing with it? Are you fighting it? Are you just trying to muscle your way through it? Are you allowing it to completely drain your joy? Or are you sincerely able to look up to the heavens from whence it pours and praise Him in the storm, knowing full well that all He wants to do is refine His work in your life by washing you pure with the water of hardship.

The Last Will...

So when I was getting set to run over to Africa this summer for 6 weeks, I had pretty much no idea what I was getting into. Part of the time though, I did know that I would be up-country towards the north in what some of you may know as the "Invisible Children" region of Uganda. That area of the country has been/continues to be slightly unstable and I had no idea what all I might run into. With this degree of uncertainty, I decided to write a will in my journal that would state just some of what I would want if I was to die. (Does that sound really morbid?)
Now let me stop the story right there and just tell you that I am really not afraid to die. (Does that sound boastful?) Has to do with my amazing Savior, and His amazing love for me, and my trust that He really leads me in the ways that He wants me to walk in! So, lets just say that I was really not afraid at all to go to Africa, cause I really felt like that is where God wanted me, and it was complete peace! (Which is pretty stellarly amazing! (and yes, stellarly is a word!))
Okay, so back to the story, see... I was reading something today that reminded me of writing the Last Will and Testament of Joanna, and so I read back over what I had written.
It was actually kinda crazy. I think that everybody should try and sit down and write a will sometime. Just get out on paper all the things that you would want people to know if you were no longer around! It was one of THE hardest things that I have ever done. How do you fit a lifetime of love and laughter into a few words that you want people to know?
I remember crying as I was typing it, because there just weren't words to let people know how much I really appreciate their presence and contribution to my life! How do you tell that to someone in such a way that you really communicate it... because you are already gone, and all they have is a piece of paper that says "I loved you!".
The really sad thing is the my little sister, who is 10 years younger than me... and loves to use my computer got on and was looking for another file and accidentally found it. She said she cried so hard when she was reading it. That must have been even more rough than trying to write it; trying to read what someone else would want to say to you if they passed away!
Anyway, I was just thinking, partially from what I read today, what would I want people to remember about me after I am gone...
I think that definitely the first thing I would want them to think of what my love for God, but I am not entirely sure that if I died tomorrow, that is the biggest thing that would stick out about my life. Again, everybody should so totally do this just as a way of standing back and looking at your life... thinking of all the people that you really love and telling them as much... thinking of what legacy you are going to leave behind... realizing how little all the material things of this life are really worth... that you can't take it with you. "Naked I came into this world, naked I will return." -- nothing really matters more than the people around you and your relationship with God! That is really the only thing that you get to take with you...

T-Shirt Etiquette

Okay, so I feel the burden to inform all of you uneducated people on the proper social rules for T-shirt etiquette. This burden has come upon me recently by the knowledge that many people are without said proper rules for functioning in todays society.
Welcome to today: the age of the smart alek t-shirt.
I am sure that you have seen them. If not, track down a random group of middle schoolers and you are bound to find a nice selection of them. I used to peruse the guys section just to read them for laughs! (not that the girls section doesn't have them as well, just theirs aren't as funny)
So rules for proper t-shirt enjoyment

• If you see them in a store it is okay to read them, even out loud to a friend. Please feel free to chuckle politely at their witticisms.
  
• If you see them on a person, read at your own risk. A quick scan will probably get you most of the meaning. If you are a slow reader, go find the store they got it from and read it there... Don't ever attempt to read it while the person is wearing it, as this may cause awkward and uncomfortable moments as you squint at the writing blazing across their chest!
• Which brings us to the next rule. Never let it be completely obvious that you are indeed reading their shirt. If you do choose to read, do it descretely while their focus is on something else. The moment that they realize what you are doing, either divert your attention and pretend to be preoccupied with something else, or openly acknowledge in a backhand way that you were just admiring their shirt.
  
• NEVER, and I mean NEVER read the shirt out loud! This is committing the cardinal sin of t-shirt etiquette. First of all, unless you read it right, it is bound to sound stupid (wrong inflections of tone give some things an entirely new meaning) or you may not get the meaning right away, and that little pause between when you get done reading, and when you actually start laughing can be... well, awkward.
  
• If you do attempt and successfully read their shirt while they are wearing it... it is perfectly acceptable to comment on it. Keep it simple, either rephrase the shirt's main premise, and laugh, or just casually comment on the shirt in the broad sense. Example: "Niiiiice," or "Haha, love the shirt!" Simple is better. (watch for reaction and see if the first thing that they do is not look down to see which shirt that they put on today! Hilarious!)

Armed with these few simple rules, you are now ready to venture into today's jungle of fashion witty t-shirts and and you can now avoid the "creepy person" appearance! Enjoy your newfound freedom!