Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Atrocities
Normally I am not a very good political activist, but a friend of mine brought this article to my attention, and I find it very upsetting.
I should be...
I really should be:
writing notecards to help me study for my NCLEX-RN...
but another nursing license is overrated right? So I figures out that the reason that it really ticks me off that I have yet to pass it is that I really feel like I put in a lot of effort on going to school for this, and I did fairly well in class. Even excellent on some of my assignments... and yet for the state of Kansas to tell me that I really don't know what I am doing really peeves me because its a personal attack... on my pride.
Pride is something I have struggled with for years. I think originally it kinda came from this false sense of having to fend for myself. Not that I really did. Just that I thought I had to in order to not be a burden on anybody in my family. You have to understand that my house was always busy, though not hectic, and there was always someone younger than me that needed attended to for as long as I can remember. Somewhere along the line I decided that I would just look after #1 myself. This bred a long and not very fruitful line of thinking in which I didn't need anyone else but myself to succeed. As you can, I'm sure, guess... this does not lend itself very well to human relationships. And yes, if you act like you never need anything from anyone else you often may find that you are stronger than you thought. But you may also find that you are lonelier than you thought.
This pretty much can translate into any sector of your life. I don't need the other people in my class -- therefore I hate group projects and feel devastated when, since I didn't do all of it, we get points counted off on our presentation. I don't need my parents input or assistance -- I struggle through school at my own place completely broke and barely struggling from paycheck to paycheck. I don't need to depend on friends -- relationships are shallow, or I end up being the therapist to my friends, while never letting them know that I am also weak. I don't need a Savior every day -- this is probably the MOST dangerous and potential fatal one, because if I think I don't need a Savior every day, that I can get through on my own good works, then I am headed straight for failure, and potentially hell.
So like any potentially fatal drug, I've got a good antidote: Humility. The big question is, how do we go about attaining this in our lives? more thoughts on this to come...
writing notecards to help me study for my NCLEX-RN...
but another nursing license is overrated right? So I figures out that the reason that it really ticks me off that I have yet to pass it is that I really feel like I put in a lot of effort on going to school for this, and I did fairly well in class. Even excellent on some of my assignments... and yet for the state of Kansas to tell me that I really don't know what I am doing really peeves me because its a personal attack... on my pride.
Pride is something I have struggled with for years. I think originally it kinda came from this false sense of having to fend for myself. Not that I really did. Just that I thought I had to in order to not be a burden on anybody in my family. You have to understand that my house was always busy, though not hectic, and there was always someone younger than me that needed attended to for as long as I can remember. Somewhere along the line I decided that I would just look after #1 myself. This bred a long and not very fruitful line of thinking in which I didn't need anyone else but myself to succeed. As you can, I'm sure, guess... this does not lend itself very well to human relationships. And yes, if you act like you never need anything from anyone else you often may find that you are stronger than you thought. But you may also find that you are lonelier than you thought.
This pretty much can translate into any sector of your life. I don't need the other people in my class -- therefore I hate group projects and feel devastated when, since I didn't do all of it, we get points counted off on our presentation. I don't need my parents input or assistance -- I struggle through school at my own place completely broke and barely struggling from paycheck to paycheck. I don't need to depend on friends -- relationships are shallow, or I end up being the therapist to my friends, while never letting them know that I am also weak. I don't need a Savior every day -- this is probably the MOST dangerous and potential fatal one, because if I think I don't need a Savior every day, that I can get through on my own good works, then I am headed straight for failure, and potentially hell.
So like any potentially fatal drug, I've got a good antidote: Humility. The big question is, how do we go about attaining this in our lives? more thoughts on this to come...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Small Things that Make Me Happy or Depressed
Small thing #1: I spent an hour of the last two nights laying on my bed vehemently crying. Why you ask? I was reading "The Last Sin Eater" by Francine Rivers who many of you may know from writing "Redeeming Love". I think I feel a certain connection with the heroine of this book and it just makes me cry to understand her struggle.
Small thing #2: Lecrae's new album Rehab. Yep, I got it. And yes its amazing. And yes you should be jealous. I haven't yet decided which song I like the best, but I'm about to listen to them all again, so I'll keep my ears open for a definite winner. I think "Background" is the current forerunner in that department.
Small thing #3: Just when you think that reality TV can't get any more awful... (I mean, Jersey Shore is PRETTY low...)... then you accidentally come across a show entitled "Parking Wars", which yes, does chronicle the lives of parking cops. I mean really? Now I'm not saying that parking cops are the antichrist... but they might be very near it. You thought you liked hatin' on Angelina on Jersey Shore? haha... have fun with these crazy heartless jerks! Lady just got a $51 fine for parking illegally to visit her sick mom.
Small thing #4: I just finished... well, minus some hardware that needs special ordered... refinishing an old dresser. Or more specifically an old antique dresser that was rescued from my grandpa's barn after he passed away, which formerly belonged to my great-grandma Edith. And its freakin' awesome! Talk about full sized 4 drawer dresser, up on legs with a beautiful mounted mirror on top (complete with molding detail and nearly flawless antique beveled glass). Oh, its gorgeous! And yes, I did dance around my living room with my dog after putting it all back together and realizing how gorgeous it was. (don't judge!) And the other cool thing is that the finish that I did on it totally matches my great-grandma Grace's (shout out to my namesake) chair that she taught school from, and my great-grandma Gladys' mirror that my grandma gave me. Its almost like I have half a bedroom set in antique furniture! Crazy huh?
Small thing #5: I was hoping a dear friend would be able to come visit me for Christmas this year, but plans have fallen through since a very key piece of that puzzle can't even be obtained until December 30th. I might have felt like crying a little.
Small thing #6: K-State lost to Nebraska on Thursday, and then the Uganda Cranes only managed to draw with Kenya on Saturday, despite me wearing team colors on both days... BUT... K-State SMASHED KU last night, which mostly makes up for their loss.
Small thing #7: I have now managed to keep 3 potted plants alive for the last 3 weeks. I don't think a potted plant has ever lasted that long in my sight before, and since I live virtually alone, it only makes sense that I am the only one who waters... so they should all legitimatly be dead... but they aren't! I must be growing up! (although one may argue that I have managed to keep a dog alive for over a year now. I would like to point out that this has been despite my best efforts to the contrary. I think she knows I want her to die and is being invincible out of sheer obstinance.)
Small thing #8: Flipping channels the other day, I found this show where these crazy americans were looking for some "haunted" crater in Africa. (and have you ever noticed that all americans in Africa act the same? Like they think they are the "Crocodile Hunter" or something... I'm from a weird people). Anyway, they are driving through the savana showing beautiful shots of giraffes, zebras, and other wildlife... and one guy turns to the other and is like, "You know you can make tacos out of every animal out here?"
Small thing #9: Being fingerprinted is not very fun. Do you realize that I am now in the database, so I'll always have to wear gloves when I commit my heists now?? Stupid nursing board. I liked being ambiguous.
Small thing #10: I got a letter from my ex-roomie Jenna today, actually I got it a several days ago, but had mistakenly thrown it, along with a bunch of junk mail, on my car floorboards, and didn't find it until today. But its totally fun that I get to write real old-fashioned snail mail back and forth to her! :)
Small thing #2: Lecrae's new album Rehab. Yep, I got it. And yes its amazing. And yes you should be jealous. I haven't yet decided which song I like the best, but I'm about to listen to them all again, so I'll keep my ears open for a definite winner. I think "Background" is the current forerunner in that department.
Small thing #3: Just when you think that reality TV can't get any more awful... (I mean, Jersey Shore is PRETTY low...)... then you accidentally come across a show entitled "Parking Wars", which yes, does chronicle the lives of parking cops. I mean really? Now I'm not saying that parking cops are the antichrist... but they might be very near it. You thought you liked hatin' on Angelina on Jersey Shore? haha... have fun with these crazy heartless jerks! Lady just got a $51 fine for parking illegally to visit her sick mom.
Small thing #4: I just finished... well, minus some hardware that needs special ordered... refinishing an old dresser. Or more specifically an old antique dresser that was rescued from my grandpa's barn after he passed away, which formerly belonged to my great-grandma Edith. And its freakin' awesome! Talk about full sized 4 drawer dresser, up on legs with a beautiful mounted mirror on top (complete with molding detail and nearly flawless antique beveled glass). Oh, its gorgeous! And yes, I did dance around my living room with my dog after putting it all back together and realizing how gorgeous it was. (don't judge!) And the other cool thing is that the finish that I did on it totally matches my great-grandma Grace's (shout out to my namesake) chair that she taught school from, and my great-grandma Gladys' mirror that my grandma gave me. Its almost like I have half a bedroom set in antique furniture! Crazy huh?
Small thing #5: I was hoping a dear friend would be able to come visit me for Christmas this year, but plans have fallen through since a very key piece of that puzzle can't even be obtained until December 30th. I might have felt like crying a little.
Small thing #6: K-State lost to Nebraska on Thursday, and then the Uganda Cranes only managed to draw with Kenya on Saturday, despite me wearing team colors on both days... BUT... K-State SMASHED KU last night, which mostly makes up for their loss.
Small thing #7: I have now managed to keep 3 potted plants alive for the last 3 weeks. I don't think a potted plant has ever lasted that long in my sight before, and since I live virtually alone, it only makes sense that I am the only one who waters... so they should all legitimatly be dead... but they aren't! I must be growing up! (although one may argue that I have managed to keep a dog alive for over a year now. I would like to point out that this has been despite my best efforts to the contrary. I think she knows I want her to die and is being invincible out of sheer obstinance.)
Small thing #8: Flipping channels the other day, I found this show where these crazy americans were looking for some "haunted" crater in Africa. (and have you ever noticed that all americans in Africa act the same? Like they think they are the "Crocodile Hunter" or something... I'm from a weird people). Anyway, they are driving through the savana showing beautiful shots of giraffes, zebras, and other wildlife... and one guy turns to the other and is like, "You know you can make tacos out of every animal out here?"
Small thing #9: Being fingerprinted is not very fun. Do you realize that I am now in the database, so I'll always have to wear gloves when I commit my heists now?? Stupid nursing board. I liked being ambiguous.
Small thing #10: I got a letter from my ex-roomie Jenna today, actually I got it a several days ago, but had mistakenly thrown it, along with a bunch of junk mail, on my car floorboards, and didn't find it until today. But its totally fun that I get to write real old-fashioned snail mail back and forth to her! :)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Courage
G.K. Chesterton:
"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die. 'He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,' is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. The paradox is the whole principle of courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice. He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and he will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."
My current obsession is with figuring out how to live a life of quiet desperation for Christ. Something about the urgency with which one must live while completely discarding any and all fear of the eminent danger of leaving this world behind in a split second. Maybe some of it stems from watching the progression of a hospice patient who has been waiting for nearly the last year to die. Pallbearers, programs, obituary, and venue have been picked. Yet here this patient lays in the same bed day after death, merely waiting for death to come calling. The other day this patient asked me about a cough, and when it would go away. I simply stated that it was "part of your disease, it will never go away." The patient thanked me rather sincerely for shooting straight with my answer, and that not many people would do that. I think part of that is people's own fear of death. But I really wanted to ask I could shoot straight about something else, and just ask how long this patient intended to stay in bed and mope instead of living for the rest of whatever length of life was left? I think there is a strange freedom and yes, courage as well in people that are able to look death in the face and not bat an eyelash. No flinching. Not because they have become some closed off recluse with no emotions, but because they aren't scared. There is an amazing freedom that comes when we treat death with cavalier indifference and yet love life enough to not wish ourselves into departure from it. But God finds us with open arms ready to accept His call to "come home child" whenever He is ready.
"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die. 'He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,' is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. The paradox is the whole principle of courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice. He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and he will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."
My current obsession is with figuring out how to live a life of quiet desperation for Christ. Something about the urgency with which one must live while completely discarding any and all fear of the eminent danger of leaving this world behind in a split second. Maybe some of it stems from watching the progression of a hospice patient who has been waiting for nearly the last year to die. Pallbearers, programs, obituary, and venue have been picked. Yet here this patient lays in the same bed day after death, merely waiting for death to come calling. The other day this patient asked me about a cough, and when it would go away. I simply stated that it was "part of your disease, it will never go away." The patient thanked me rather sincerely for shooting straight with my answer, and that not many people would do that. I think part of that is people's own fear of death. But I really wanted to ask I could shoot straight about something else, and just ask how long this patient intended to stay in bed and mope instead of living for the rest of whatever length of life was left? I think there is a strange freedom and yes, courage as well in people that are able to look death in the face and not bat an eyelash. No flinching. Not because they have become some closed off recluse with no emotions, but because they aren't scared. There is an amazing freedom that comes when we treat death with cavalier indifference and yet love life enough to not wish ourselves into departure from it. But God finds us with open arms ready to accept His call to "come home child" whenever He is ready.
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