Stocking Up

My roommates decided that for Christmas this year it was absolutely imperative that we have stockings. Now, I personally have never been crazy about the whole stocking thing in general. Growing up my mom made stockings for each one of us out of felt embroidered with our names each in a different color.  She hung them up every Christmas and I assume at one time or another we did actually use them. However, I can't say that I remember it much. Then we moved into houses that didn't have mantles to hang stockings from and it just wasn't as cool. Plus my mom was running out of different colors of felt! (hey, there's a lot of us!) One year my parents had us put out our slippers instead and I remember finding them filled the next morning. Then my parents changed up the game a little and started just putting candy and giant fruit in cups at our place at the table. That way we got something when we got up that morning, but still didn't open any presents until everyone was assembled.
So needless to say, when I moved away, I did not have a stocking to take with me. I assume that somewhere packed away, my mom still has all the felt ones, but in the interest of being my own crafty self I thought that if the roommates wanted to do stockings, then I would just make one myself! Come to find out not all the gals had stockings anyway, so I decided to come up with 2 or 3 designs from "that one website" as my brother calls it, and went to town.

Well I easily found something that would be great for my first roommate.
First you start with an old sweater. I found one at a thrift store that was checkered in green, red, and blues with a nice country Christmas feel to it. Ideally it would have been argyle, her favorite, but it was only $2. I cut out a stocking pattern and stitched the sides lovingly together. (I say lovingly because I got rid of my sewing machine when I moved due to lack of room so when it came to this project I ended up doing it all by hand. whew!)
I added my roommate's initial in felt on top of burlap and stitched it in place with a few x-stitch x's. Topped it off with a old Christmas light bulb and ribbon for added country type charm.

Next I got a pair of old little girls pants (this pair happened to have adorable little stars on the pockets and stars on the cuffs which I was able to incorporate.) These were also $2 at the thrift store. The cuffs I cut off the bottom and flattened out to make the toes for the stocking. I cut an extra seam off to be the stocking loop and fastened it all together like so. Added some extra embellishments like clothes pins on the pockets and my roommate's initial in the middle of the star to finish it off. The only really hard part about this one was sewing on top of the jeans fabric, especially near any seam or through multiple thicknesses. I am afraid I murdered my poor fingers by this time, and so I had to resort to a cheating method to fashion this together. But I'll preserve some semblance of my artistic integrity and not tell you how it was that I cheated.

This stocking was one of my favorites. My roommate is in the United State Air Guard and very proud of her service to her country, as we all are of her. She originally had a stocking, but when she saw the ones that I was making for the rest of the roommates she begged me to make one using her old ABUs that no longer fit. This is the finished product.
I was worried at first that it was going to be illegal or offensive to cut these up, or that I wasn't actually allowed to use the official badges on anything that wasn't AF sanctioned, but she assured me that it was alright. I wanted to make sure that even though it was in the military theme that I made sure that it was girly as well, and since she really likes roses, I included one on the bottom as added decoration. The flap detailing on the toes I thought turned out well also.

 

This was perhaps the most difficult one to make. This was the last stocking that I made, but I had a hard time getting it to come together. My roommate asked me to make this out of an old sweater of hers. When she was 13 her childhood home burnt to the ground and this was one of the few things that she was able to grab on her way out the door. She said she had considered throwing it away since it no longer fit, but hadn't brought herself to do it yet. This was a loving way of re-purposing something which means so much to her. Since it wasn't an inherently Christmas pattern I decided to add the snowflake detail and her name in felt. You can't see them well in this photo, but the buttons running down the stocking are a nice feature as well. I topped it off with a red ribbon and some embellished rope for a little rugged feel to tone down the intensity of the reds.

Last, but not least is my stocking. I had a hard time deciding on what I wanted for my stocking, but I've really been into burlap recently, so that's what I decided to go with. I had to line the stocking with muslin to make sure it would stay together and hold its contents well. I was super paranoid about the seams ripping out, so I ended up gluing the burlap to itself within the seams for extra security after I was done stitching. Of course with something this rustic you have to add lots of embellishments, so I put on a tag with my name, giraffe print bow to rep Africa, an old Converse tag I found lying around, and of course had to add in some green striped ribbon around the top.

Here they are all together. All told I spent a grand total of $6 on this entire project since I had all the embellishments already in my stockpile of craftiness. Pre-fab stockings cost anywhere from $10 for really plain ones to $50 for really embellished ones.

Mine are definitely better in all aspects.

I kind of love how each one has their own look and feel to them. As unique as my roommates themselves. But they all look beautiful hung up on my china cabinet together, as we also do when we live and work and play and love and pray together. 

I can't wait to fill them all with Christmas goodies for my roomies!

When is Christmas again?

Paula Jo

Tuesday this last week marked an important occasion in my life: my dear mother's birthday. I tried to look for a card that would say what I wanted so desperately to tell her, but everything fell flat. I couldn't even find a good gift for her birthday. I was feeling rather discouraged, and so, as I often do, I sat down to write. I had originally intended to write a letter to her and try and say everything that I wanted to, but I kept getting interrupted and it wasn't flowing quite the way that I wanted it to.
The hard thing about writing to one's mom is that everything that you say, no matter how sincerely felt and meant, sounds like a cheesy Hallmark card. No matter how badly you want to tell her how much she means to you, its hard to fight past the cliche and actually say what you mean.
For example, I want to say thank you. But I can't just say "thank you", because even though that encompasses a vast myriad of situations, endless selfless giving on her part, and too many words of encouragement to count when I say it, there's a flatness to it that sounds so trite. The truth is that I am just so stinkin' blessed to have her as my mom, but even that doesn't begin to describe how I feel or how incredible she is to have in my life.
I was talking to my patient the other day about all the teachers that he has had and I got to tell him that I only had one. He was amazed when I explained that my mom was my only teacher. When I said that though, it got me to thinking and I realized how much she really did teach me. My Mom not only taught me school for grades K-12, which is a pretty daunting task, but I use so many other household skills that she taught me every day.
It seems sorta silly, but cooking is a lost art that my mom imparted me with not only a thorough knowledge of, but also a good healthy love for. I can proudly say that I can improvise, follow recipes, make passable homemade bread, and wow people with all the amazing recipes that she has passed on. She also taught me how to sew, another lost art, and passed on a respect for making things ones self. She loved making creative things for our birthdays every year, and used to delight in staying up late to put the finishing touches on a new church dress so I could wear it the next day. I'm still not great at sewing, but cross stitch, embroidery, and crafts we both enjoy. She taught me how to keep house, clean, and organize. While some may argue that those are lessons I didn't learn very well, I would just like to go on record and say that my implementation of said skills does not reflect the degree to which I learned those lessons nor should it reflect poorly on my teacher!
Growing up my mom was my idol. All I wanted to be when I grew up was a homemaker just like my mom. She taught me how to make a house a home, and to this day I never feel like people live in a place unless there are curtains on the windows and pictures on the walls. Dusty colors of blue always remind me of her, especially if there is a little rose colored accents. I love that she invented her own style of decorating that she calls "Victorian Country". She pulls of the concept beautifully, and it really suits her very well.
But my mom is not just a homemaker and homeschool teacher. She has this amazing alter-ego (pardon the comic book reference, Mom; I'm part Daddy too! *winks) which I like to think of as "PJ", the nickname that she used to go by. She collected the Family Circus comics that featured PJ and kept them around her room growing up. PJ I like to think of as the fun side of my mother. I think that sometimes when I was growing up I forgot about this side of her nature and it was easy to just see her as someone who was going to make me do schoolwork or chores, but I don't think the fun side of my mom was ever not there, even when I couldn't see it. Sometimes I like to shock people by telling them about the time that she dressed up with a blonde wig and different glasses and tricked people in her dorm for an entire semester into thinking she had another roommate. There is also the story about her killing a rat with her bare fist because it dared to run across her freshly cleaned kitchen counter. In high school she could change tires when the boys couldn't, raised calves for 4H, and embroidered Oscar Meyer hotdogs all over her jeans jacket. My mom truly likes to laugh and will surprise attack you with her wit when you are least expecting it. I love going by the name "Jo" partly because its her middle name.
I think the biggest thing though that my mom taught me has been in the area of character. I should rightfully say, continues to teach me, though, as I see her amazing example continued in every day life. She is a beautiful example of the gentle and quiet spirit that God so delights in. I would never say that my mom has had really flashy style or beauty queen hair and makeup. But she has something really beautiful about her that sparkles out of her gentle green eyes, and glistens off her now whitened hair, and belies itself in the soft smile creases of her face. You don't have to look very closely to see that her outward appearance gives away a wise and caring soul.
I've been so blessed for all the lessons that she has taught me about patience and love for her family, even when we were less than pleasant or obedient kids. She always has time to listen, and I can recall countless times in the kitchen, especially during nursing school where we cooked and I vented all my frustrations with school and studying. She always listened, encouraged, and spurred me on. She's also the most self-less person I know. My mom will go way out of her way to think of, pray for, and show love to the people that God has brought into her life.
My mom married my dad after college, and I really appreciate her commitment to their marriage. Its a really big blessing in this day and age to never even have to be slightly concerned about your parents parting ways. I am so blessed that I never had to worry about this growing up, as my mom showed me an excellent example of what it means to be a good wife as well. She was quick to model teamwork, self-less love, honoring her husband, and enjoying her husband's company. I could never hope to live up to her example, but want to with all my heart.
So, when it comes down to it, I should say thank you Mom. Thank you for all the love and care growing up. Thank you for being more than my mom now, but being my friend. I know I can always count on you to encourage me in my job or my creativity or even my dreams of someday down the road. Thank you for always listening, even when I'm hard to understand and don't make a lot of sense. Thank you for the example of a Godly woman that you have been in my life. Thank you for taking the time to teach me so many things.
I love you so much Mom and even though one silly blog post is not enough to say how much, I hope you know that you are loved and appreciated and respected.
Happy Birthday Mom.
With Love, Your Daughter, Jo

Thoughts and Smatterings

Normally, I am a huge New Testament kind of girl. I love the writings of Paul in particular, so its super funny/ironic that the verses that have blessed me the most in my reading through the Bible in a year have actually been in the Old Testament.
Of course I always love Isaiah, (its my love language, okay) but I've been super encouraged by the other OT books as well. Which is good since the Old Testament passages are ten times longer than the New Testament ones more times than not. I'm not gonna lie, usually I just skim over those passages since I feel like they are so boring and dry, but I keep consistently finding really precious nuggets of truth in these books and it still surprises me every time, even thought its been going on all year!
Ironically there are a couple of guys next to me in the coffee shop that are going over the same topic that I was just reading about in my morning devo: Melchizedek. Strange concept and yet the imagery is pretty strong. We have a priest who is a priest not just from descent, but from divine appointment. An intercessor between us and God. Namely: Jesus.
Yet another thing that I love about Manhattan and will miss when I am gone. Being able to sit in a coffee shop with so many people around me reading their Bibles and journalling. Its great not knowing them at all and yet feeling like you are connected just by the fact that they are seeking God as well. Sometimes it helps me to see them here, and makes me more motivated to continue seeking God myself.

In other news, I've been thinking about Uganda a lot lately. It scares me to think that I am going there soon (that is if God works everything out). But its a good kind of scary. The kind that I know I will hate, up until the time that I do it, and then I will love it to death, and never want it to stop!! (adrenaline junky? maybe). Anyway, I was planning on going this December to visit again and pray really hard core and look into some options for next year for a job or ministry to work with. The more I think about it though, the more I wonder if now is the time to do that... and honestly, I don't know the answer. I really, really, really, really, really miss the people, the culture, and the closeness to God that I feel when I am in Uganda. But that alone is not a good enough reason to spend money to hop a plane... I think...
But then again, it could be the devil's voice seeking to drown out my own. So I went ahead and bought tickets and booked my flights! And now I can't wait to go home, even if it will just be for 2 weeks. :)

The Funny Thing About That...

Today someone asked me about the guy that I had been dating. It was kind of ironic, cause I had been thinking of him a little this week. I'm not sure why. Its been 10 months now since he said goodbye to me. I remember having a strange peace about it despite the intense pain that day. I remember only crying once that day for the equivalent of 4 sobs on a friend's shoulder. I remember all the awkward messages we sent to one another after that, trying to figure everything out, bring some sort of closure. I remember acutely going through all of Keubler-Ross's stages of grief.
Denial: we aren't over. We can't be over. God promised me that I should ask Him and He'd work it out, so it can't truly be over, right?
Anger: How can he just treat me like this when I was so amazing to him? He's a jerk! I want to hurt him! I want to take back everything I ever gave him. I want to hurt HER for taking him. What gives him the right to use me like that?
Bargaining: Look God, I'll pray for him every day. I can be good and I won't nag him anymore and I'll be the picture of a gentle and quiet spirit.
Depression: Its just not gonna happen. It was doomed from the beginning. I'm not that great of a catch. Its understandably why he didn't love me. He's a commitment-phobe anyway with honesty problems and family problems and it was bound to fail. Everyone else knew that; they could see it clearly. I was just a fool.
and finally...
Acceptance: God has something (perhaps MANY THINGS!) to teach me in and through this relationship, (even its failure). But God is not through just because he is! God doesn't leave me or forsake me. He doesn't leave me as an orphan, but comes to me. He loves me unconditionally so I don't need his love. Not then, not now, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever! The Creator of the stars and waterfalls finds me beautiful and assures me that I never need to wake to someone that won't satisfy me. He says that when I awake I can be satisfied with merely seeing His likeness and with assurance of His unfailing love! Gosh, how lucky a girl am I??!?!? The Lord of the universe knows my name, how many hairs are on my head (even though they keep falling out!), and He cares deeply about every love and fear of my inmost secret heart! What else could I ever need?

Whew...
I actually wrote all that when the pain was still fresh. I just realized today though how much it is okay.
See someone asked me how we were doing and I replied that we weren't together anymore. As she asked me more, I had to admit that it had been a while that we hadn't been together. I think she felt bad that she didn't know, and I quickly assured her that it was okay. Then I had to catch myself, because I realized to my great surprise that it really was okay. I really do look back on all that with a sense of deep gratitude for everything that God has brought me through. Sometimes I smile to myself and enjoy my freedom that I have now. See, since I have plans to leave the country soon, it would be irresponsible to be in a relationship at this point in time. Plus, the longer that I live the more convinced I am of my complete and utter lack of the maturity required to handle a relationship with any sort of decorum. And that fact alone scares the living daylights out of me! I figure if it this keeps up, the exponential growth itself will soon top out with me being thoroughly convinced to never be in a relationship ever again! ;)
Its okay, you can all laugh at that! (I do... on a regular basis.)
Anyway, as my dear friend reminded me, God must have something much better planned. I replied, "Undoubtedly," and then, to my surprise, found that I actually believed that as well!
This may be funny to some of you, or cliche, if you are around lots of Christian girls that like to use this passage to fuel their demented ideas of romanticism, but Isaiah 54 has been a really big comfort to me. Something about the fact that God Himself has already promised to be all that we need (the same as He was for the Israelites, He is for us under the New Covenant), just satisfies my heart in a way that I can't explain.
Plus God promised me a long time ago that even if I never get married and never have any biological children that He would still give me children. People to teach and train and pray over and sacrifice for and love and mother. Isaiah 54 reminds me of this promise and helps me to be committed to looking around me for "my (unbiological) children". His faithfulness in bringing those situations in my every day life just astounds me sometimes. But yet, here He is doing it. People and situations that I never expected to happen and God has put me in the exact position to be exactly what that young person needed at that exact moment in time. Strangely, (or perhaps not so strangely) I find myself relishing every single instant of it.

Something to Remember

"My heart lives in so many places. With so many people. But God whispers to me that I really have only one home, and that is with Him. I will never be content on this earth. I will always be a nomad. It was meant to be that way. My heart was created with a desire for a home, a nest, a sanctuary, and that can be found only with Him in heaven. And I will continue bouncing from one home to another, loving with everything I have in whatever location I currently reside, excitedly awaiting the day when I am called heavenward and He says to me, "Welcome Home." "  --Katie Davis (Kisses from Katie)

Set a Fire Down in My Soul

this and "Higher" from Lecrae's new album "Gravity" have been really on my heart this morning. Enjoy!

Truths

Truths that I've been reminded of this last week:

Conviction is from God; guilt is from the devil.

When it comes to the workings of God in our lives, don't be expecting, be expectant.
And come to think of it... isn't everything a working of God in our lives?

Your sanctification is ultimately a matter of:
* what God has done (past tense) and not what you are doing. When God looks at you, the fundamental thing is not how you have lived your life this last week, but that Christ's blood has already sanctified you.
*identity and not behavior. You first have to have an understanding of what Christ has done for you... then you start acting like it!
*God's will and not your worth. You are not here because you are such a wonderful or deserving person. Don't forget it! Don't get it twisted! You have not disappointed God; He chose you.
*belonging and not isolation. You have a Father, you are a part of a family. Quit feeling like you are out on the periphery with no way to get an in with God or His people because you aren't good enough. You are in.
*boasting in Christ and not yourself. Its all about Christ and nothing to do with you. Are you feeling not good enough? Well, duh! You aren't good enough! If you were there would be no reason for Christ and the cross would be emptied of its power! You need as Savior because you are not good enough.

God uses the weak things of this world to shame the strong. He uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise. He uses even me, believe it or not!

I've Seen (You sustain)

(i've been reading ecclesiates. obviously.)

Under the sun I've seen
More than once...

A lovely young lady be taken too soon
Perhaps preventable
Leaving helpless lives behind,
A precious young life snuffed out
Before it was given a chance
No first breath ever came,
Beloved Godly grandparents die
Vanishing into thin veils of the people they were
Their bodies ravished by disease,
Relationships hit rough waters
Though both parties knew You
Still hearts were hurt,

I've seen faithful servants suffer

With no way to put food on the table
Their prayers never faltering.

Yet I know what the great king never knew...

And somehow the assurance
"God would not inflict pain thus on all His children,
He knows whom He may trust,"
Is both enough to know and too little
Balm for the ache in my heart
For those whose lives touch mine
No matter in how little ways.
Yet I know You are faithful, You are still good.
Your strength is more than enough for me.
Your grace is sufficient.

No matter what I've seen
I know You've seen worse
And You'll sustain me like You have them.
There is nothing and no one else.
Basically You are the be all and end all.
I need not know how or why
I need only know that You love me

And that Love makes all the difference.
Because of it I might swim rivers
Though I fear their depths
And my very core panics at the thought
As my toes slip from their shaky hold
In a mighty rush into the stream's current
I know You hold me afloat
Nothing may hold me under
The pressure thrusting air
From already weakened lungs
I find You become my breath in those times.

I've seen, under the sun
More than once...

A beautiful weathered face walk
Gracefully to the shores of death
Pause not for a looking back
At this Sodom and Gomorrah that earth becomes
And that look of peace as they see their Savior;
And I've seen God heal and restore
Relationships that, reasonably,
No one would have given hope
Love lives once more
Where only desolation had set up home;
I've seen You come through
Needs met in the nick of time
And daily bread never lacking
As Your saints hit their knees
Growing stronger with their testimonies;
And the joy of that cry
As for the first time
The contented infant sits in her arms
Cradled in a mother's love
And she knows more of Your love for her's.

And I've seen You
More than once...
Over and over
In fact
Prove Yourself faithful
Show Yourself powerful
Love perfectly
Strengthen completely
Be sufficient
Just enough.

I've seen You sustain.

Me, Jesus, Chicken, and IceCream

Is it weird that I am really getting into the book of Job recently? I just REALLY like it! I've been keeping up (fairly well) with the reading through the Bible in a year readings, and this last week we have entered the strange, and rather fantastical world of Job. Its a crazy story really. Here's this guy just walking along minding his own business and trying to do right and God's really blessed him. I mean, he has his shortcomings as a father obviously... whenever his kids get together to party he knows them well enough to fast and pray for them! (although my dad confessed a strange urge to do this at times when us kids get together too! but I think that's mostly because we tend to get a lil' rambunctious!)
As I often read my verses while I am at work, I get a lot of time to think about them, and not much time to journal on them, so sometimes I make a mental note to come back to a verse or passage later in the day.

The other night I did it in style.
Me, Jesus, popcorn chicken, and reese's ice cream atop the Cico Park hill.
The vast expanse of Kansas sky littered with shape-shifting clouds and the fading colors of a late summer's eve. It was essentially a small piece of heaven.
(I'm pretty sure in heaven there is manna that tastes like chicken...)

Anyway, as I have been reading in Job I can't help but coming back the person of Jesus all the time! I mean this was completely before Christ's time and yet every other word out of their mouths is riddled with the desire to have an arbitrator between them and God. (which for us... is namely Chirst!) Sometimes when I am reading this I really wonder to myself how much I really neglect to desire Christ in this way. That I forget how desperately I need someone to step between me and God and say, "Hey, look Man, I vouch for this one. She's with me." Its only through the amazing sacrifice of Christ's perfect life that I even have the chance to approach God and even dare to feel that I am able to talk to Him without fear and trepidation and mind-numbing quaking and completely and utterly being scared to death of being consumed with brimstone and fire! Yes, God came down and talked to Job, but Job never had the chance to experience the complete freedom with God that we have through Christ.
I think that sometimes I take that for granted. I fail to realize how really wonderfully I have it that I can know for certain that God does accept the peace offering that makes me right with Him. And I have complete freedom to run and jump in His lap, cuddle in His arms, and spill all my stupid little girl worries and joys. Knowing full well that He gathers them all with parental fondness and cherishes me and my silly, often stupid, completely immature, and sometimes dangerously fragile little heart.

I am sooooooo blessed.

I wish I could express how much.

homesick again

living your life with a heart that's torn in two
is a difficult thing to make yourself do.
in love with a life never thought to be mine
yet finding a nook here where i fit just fine.
and how do you choose two families between?
can i help but miss the one i've not seen?
moments of sunshine follow moments of pain
so i limp through the heat and dance through the rain.
someday God's plan in clear light i'll see
and no longer wonder what He schemes for me.
then in glorious freedom, no shred of doubt
at last i'll boldly and joyfully sing out
and i think i may wonder why sooner i haven't
dropped this burden at the feet of a Love this ardent.

A Day Off

Well what would you do with a day off? I sat around the house and was largely unproductive for most of mine. I blame part of that on the fact that I was so insanely productive yesterday. See, I also had a day off yesterday, and I got all my various errands done then, so I haven't had any pressing issues to worry about.
I woke up late. Not terribly late though. I used to sleep in until noon, but somehow since I moved to my new apartment I haven't really been able to. The latest that I've "slept in" has been closer to 0830. I know, that's not really considered sleeping in to some of your fortunate late risers, but to me who is used to getting up at 0600 on the dot (okay, maybe not on the dot, I utilize my snooze button a lot)... Anyway, it is sleeping in to me, even though its nothing like the nooners I used to pull.
I did however plan (and I use that word "plan" very loosely; I'll explain why) how to arrange the pictures in my living room of my new apartment. Not really sure why, when, or how I got started on this interior decorating kick, but I really love it. I've had several people tell me that I should have gone into it full time. And if I'm very honest with myself, that's honestly what I would have done if I hadn't met this amazing person named Jesus. Anyway, I put together a few loose sketches of what I think would be cool on the walls, but my roommates all get veto power, so we'll see what actually ends up being displayed.
I also got in a recipe kick. Initially I was just trying to find something to cook for supper, after telling my roommate I would have something ready for her when she got home. I had a few ideas, but they would have to involve the still very frozen chicken from our fridge. So I started looking up recipes for some of the more interesting contents of our refrigerator.
My roommates are all amazing and great girls, and I love them... but lets just say our grocery shopping is a little disjointed. There was a bunch of kale, blueberries, apples, spinach, tortillas, coconut milk, a little bit of hamburger, hashbrowns, and lemons. Now maybe you immediately see a menu in there, but I was having trouble. The freezer was not much help either. The chicken was frozen and there were dinosaur chicken nuggets (see, I said it was eclectic! What are we 9?), and a few frozen veggies, tilapia, and icy pops (again, 9?). Really the cupboards weren't that much better. Canned chicken and tuna (maybe this is terrible of me, but I've never cooked with canned chicken and it kinda creeps me out!), quinoa, brown rice, mac n' cheese, and few cereals.
Well of course the obvious menu would be chicken nuggets with mac n' cheese and an icy pop, but this seemed juvenile and frankly, since I had told her that I would actually cook, seemed like a bit of a cop out. So I dutifully took to the internet looking up what I could make with kale, spinach, and quinoa.
Yes, of course, you my smart blogger saw what I did there! I just took the healthiest things out of that pantry and used them to make my dinner! Actually in the end, I didn't end up using the kale, but I did find a whole bunch of recipes for kale and spinach that I really want to use in the very near future! One of those times that you thank God for Pintrest, so you can save those recipe links for later without cluttering up your bookmark tab on your browser.
So all that to say that I found a recipe for a quinoa spinach quiche that you bake in a muffin tin. Right up my alley! It turned out a little dry cause I tried to keep it warm until my roommate got home, but generally its pretty good, and it feels good to eat things that you know are good for you. Granted I might have made biscuits to go along with it, but I coupled that with some peaches and clementines for a simply lovely meal topped off by a large glass of water!

new life

a disruption in the flat line of life
an awakening of something buried in your spirit
an ethereal world of profound depth
suddenly your imagination springs to life
with words never uttered before in human consciousness
the freedom of dance to formerly shuffling feet
light shines from behind eyes that had darkened with worldly cares
and burdens to hard to bear alone, but yet you had.
originating somewhere yet unexplained
this infinite love springs up from some abysmal well of felicity
like a fountain from your inner soul.

you laugh, smile, dance
care not a fig for what others think of you
you are free, you are loved, you are completely at home.
there is not a dearer sentiment than the knowledge
it matters not what may come.
dreadful, ferocious storms may rage
your hope is firmly, immovably secure
nothing and no one can pluck you from His hand
comforting, sweet, blissful peace.

Peaches and Pickles

The pressure of bitterness' weight on a fragile soul
A loneliness too deep to be explained in words
And the dejected shuffle at the end of the day
Too tired to hold the mask in place.

How did you know?
How did your heart read what mine cried
When I mistakenly thought no one was looking?
And somehow you still knew all of it.

Today you broke my heart because I thought
Somehow my pain might have hurt you too
And I'm not sure if it did,
And I'm not sure to what extent.

But you should know that I'm okay.
I knew all along that He was all I needed
And I know He'll heal this fragile heart
Make it strong again and more loving for it's scars.

Living in Community

Well I realize I haven't written recently folks, which is obviously a travesty. Mostly, I believe it had to do with the condition of my heart recently. Sometimes when I haven't thought things through well enough I can't really begin to type them down in readable format for y'all to enjoy. And partly I think it had to do with that I've been so terribly busy!!
Now, granted, part of the reason I was so terribly busy is that I was avoiding thinking through some of those things that need to be thought thru before I could write them down, and partly I really have had valid excuses. Fellowship being one, and moving being another.
So today I am going to write to you a little about both!
Okay, when I say "fellowship" I say that because I don't really like to think of our group as church, at least not in the conventional sense. Granted, it is very much a church (in that it's primary purpose it to be a group of believers seeking after God together), but somehow to me it encompasses so much more than just the simple label of "church" that I find myself wondering if it really fits in the category of what "church" is in this convoluted country and society of ours. But when I say "fellowship" I immediately think of my fellowship group from Uganda, and then I feel that I am being more accurate, because there it was a group of young people (they are called "born-agains" when they dedicate themselves to really following God with their lives) that were actively seeking the Lord, and not just a place to show up on Sunday morning. And I guess to me there was something more of the aspect that we were each other's people. The friends that we loved to hang out with and shared our common bond of Jesus with as we were walking or eating (they love to eat! :) or just hanging out and talking. And that somehow more accurately describes the new family of believers that I have found myself in here in the States.
I had the hardest time after I came back from Uganda feeling like I would ever fit into a fellowship ever again here in the States because I felt like I left my true one back in Uganda. Here it is hard to find a group of young people that a relentlessly dedicated to God, and also dedicated to one another. Plus, lets face it: that is a ridiculously intimidating group for a person to try and enter. I have had lots of struggles in my life over the last several years and I felt like coming into a group like that they would be able to see clear through me and see all the nastiness that had been my past. There's no way that they could love me, or if they could, it would be after passing judgement on me as being a fallen sinner and a baby Christian in need of lots of "mentoring". That frankly, scared me to death!
All that being said... I finally let myself take the plunge and discovered that I loved the waters. They bring life and healing and laughter to my soul every single day! (I should footnote here a couple of beautiful ladies that really loved me into the fellowship, but honestly God was also working pretty hard core on my heart as well.)  
I've been going to Vintage Faith for probably over a year now. At first it was only every other Sunday morning because of work and stuff. Then last fall I decided to start going to the Vintage Faith Students group. I'm not a student and haven't been a student for a little while. Honestly, its a little strange sometimes being so old in comparison to everyone else, but its cool. I mean, I'm pretty used to being the older sister everywhere I go. Haha! Then after loosing my job last December, I was able to start coming to Vintage all the time, and got even more involved in house churches, VFS, and just hanging out with the brothers and sisters. Its been amazing and soooooooo encouraging, and I can't imagine now what my life would be like without them all!
So back in February, after being asked by a sister, and some serious thought and prayer, I decided to take another plunge and live in community this fall. Its been a long 2 years living by myself. Sometimes its good, and very definitely sometimes its really, really terrible. Both for my own walk with the Lord, and for the intense depression and loneliness that it sometimes has the ability to thrust upon me. The way that community works with VFS is that everything gets shared in common. Clothes and jewelry and food and space and chores all become everybody's. Which is cool, but also intimidating. Lots of people have really bad roommate experiences that stem from other people using "their" stuff. Here is a brand new concept, as we seek lay down things as "my" stuff and become "our" stuff. If you come into a new situation with that sort of mindset, it completely changes the outcome of positive and negative experiences.
Fast forward to August 1st. I moved into an apartment that will eventually house me and 4 other girls. Can I just say for a moment how hard it is to cram an entire 2 bedroom apartment's worth of stuff into one small bedroom? Talk about difficult to nearly impossible. Why do I have so much STUFF??? Do I really need all this? I find more and more that I am turned off by the very idea of obtaining anything else to add to my already overflowing little hobbit hole. I got rid of a bunch of old clothes and old childhood treasures, sent a 2 foot tall pile of old school papers to recycling, donated a full box of school supplies to my parents' homeschool, had to give away several pieces of furniture, and its still cramped in my room! Haha... that means I'm blessed I guess! The nice thing is that my ceilings are tall so I just keep stacking things and eventually it'll all fit! My roommates were incredibly gracious and allowed most of my living room furniture to grace our new living room. So the the crazy red couch had to go back out the 2nd floor window that it came in when I moved into my last apartment, but thankfully this apartment is on the ground floor so it sits proudly in our living room splashes its colorfulness around.
All my kitchen stuff is stashed away in the kitchen and it feels like home already... minus the wall-hangings that desperately need to be put up! :)
Now I am finally ready to settle in for the semester and not be stressed (though somehow I have this inkling that the busy is going to stay at the same level.) ;)

I Miss You

Today I miss my Grandpa B. a lot.
We were talking in class today about trees and I offhandedly mentioned the names of a couple of the leaves they were talking about. The second grade teacher widened her eyes, and was like,"Wow! You know what these are?" I realized that the only reason I do is because of Grandpa B.
Funny all the time that you think you will have with people and that's never really the way it turns out. I always thought that when I grew up I would have Grandpa teach me all the names of all the trees in the whole world. He was just amazing like that. We liked to quiz him sometimes as we tromped through the timber in our oldest "play shoes" trying to avoid stick-tights and leaping over fallen logs and dodging through underbrush. You could ask him the name of just about any tree and he could tell you.
He grew up on the same farm in rural Kansas that I first met him on, in what I remember as a great big farm house that seems to have shrunk with with passing years. It was the family farm but my Grandpa was the last brother around still farming. When I was little he did just that. He farmed. I remember sometimes when we would come to see them, if it was a bad time of the year, we would see him very little. Then there were no "horsey-rides" as we called it when we would clamor aboard his back as he paraded us (sometimes multiple us'es) around the room on all fours. He would be out early in the morning doing chores and come home late at night.
The best thing, if it wasn't a bad time of the year, was to catch him as he was about to go feed the cows. I could usually convince him to let me carry a bucket of grain out from the silo to the bins. Of course I wasn't strong enough to heave it over the sides, nor did I carry a full 8 gallon bucket, but I remember being pretty pleased with myself that I had helped Grandpa with the chores. But very best of all is if you could get him alone, if only you had seen him sneak off to go do chores, and then having Grandpa all to your very own self was like a little girl's very best treat! He was gentle and loved teaching about anything. You could ask him any question in the world and he would answer in that soft spoken, but very knowledgeable Southern Kansas drawl.
He was a builder too. Even after he retired from farming, he would do carpentry, plumbing, and electrical work for people all the time. He told us once that he could do duct work for central air too, but the certification fees were so high, it didn't make it worth his time. I never doubted that he probably could have built anything. I dearly treasure the jewelry boxes that he made for each one of us girls. Grandpa wasn't one to be idle very long. He used to let us come with him when he was working on building the house for my Grandma back in the timber. We would rollerskate in the basement on the smooth concrete while he worked away in some other part of the house.
And he was a storyteller. He could tell the best stories about growing up with his mischievous family on the farm, about the other soldiers in his division in the Army, about farming, or even just a silly anecdote from day to day life. He always made it fun and exciting to listen to.
I guess the main reason that I miss him today is that today was him and Grandma's anniversary. I always thought that was cool because it fell the day before my birthday, so I always felt especially close to them just for that silly reason. I think I always thought that Grandpa would be there to see me  be the one to walk down the aisle. He would be there in his western cut suit with those dress boots all shiny and his eyes sparkling with happiness. I'll miss that he won't be there.
The best thing to remember about my Grandpa though, is probably the gentle rise and fall of his voice reading the Christmas story aloud to us. Grandpa was quiet about his faith, but that didn't mean it wasn't there all the same. He was so faithful at making sure that we were quizzed on the real meaning behind Christmas, and we didn't ever want to disappoint him. My mom even helped us memorize the passage from Luke one year to surprise him.
I only got a spanking from Grandpa once in my life.Apparently we were giving Grandma just a little too much trouble and being a little too rambunctious.  I guess once was enough to scare me straight because Grandpa was STRONG, and I never wanted to get a spanking from him again!
He always made sure to give us all a hug before we parted every time we saw one another. I miss Grandpa's hugs and the smell of the dusty barn lingering on his work shirts. I love riding in his old truck that my brother drives now for that exact reason; I can still smell that old barn and it makes me feel close to Grandpa.
One of my friends the other day showed me a shirt she had found at a thrift store. She was excited because it was flannel, plaid, western cut, and had beautiful pearl snaps down the front and on the cuffs. (That sort of thing is all the rage with these hipsters now days.) To me though, it was the perfect picture of something Grandpa would have worn, and it made me miss him.

My Life as a Vegetarian

So my brother, sister, and I have been in a 30 day vegetarian challenge for the month of April. Unlike a lot of vegetarians or vegans, we have absolutely no moral basis for this, we just thought it would be fun to challenge ourselves. When we were talking about the book of Daniel in the Bible the other day, I mentioned offhandedly to my sister that I had always wanted to try the diet that Daniel and the 3 men instituted when they were brought to the king's court. So we decided to do it. I know, we are lame, and probably bring shame to the good name of vegetarians everywhere, but oh well.

Anyway, so I've been keeping my eye out for vegetarian recipes to try, and I found this one for African Sweet Potato and Peanut Stew that actually sounded like something I would have eaten in Africa. And as you all know, I have a frank obsession with anything African so I knew I just had to try it!

Step 1: gather and chop! (be sure to keep your laptop within easy reach in case you need some music or movie entertainment)

Step 2: saute the onions and red bell peppers (aren't they colorful?)

Step 3: Cook the stew (I also added some broccoli to my meal for color palate aesthetics and had to make some rice to serve the stew over) My mini stove was at full capacity!

Step 4: add your spices! (a little bit of everything for this flavorful stew!)

I saw a recipe for Strawberry Bruscetta on Pinterest and knew I wanted to make it! Unfortunately the Pinterest recipe had balsamic vinegar on it (eewww!) so I found this other recipe sans nasty ingredients and it was ubber good!
Basically it's cinnamon toast, baked in the oven, then covered in lemon cream cheesiness, and topped with as many fresh strawberries as you can fit! (I used the spreadable whipped cream cheese, and it turned out nice and fluffy.) A perfect garnish would have been mint sprigs on top, but sadly, I don't yet have my fairy-tale herb garden. 

And just like that... Dinner is served (Vegetarian style)! Of course I had to have my brother and sister over to try out the scrumptious meal! My brother brought some french bread for an extra side, and the meal looked beautiful! I would have to say though, that the flavor of the stew was not exactly my favorite. I like cinnamon a lot, but I don't think it goes with vegetables very well, and I would probably leave that out if I make it again. Other than that though, it was very filling, which I find is one of the hardest things about vegetarian cooking, so I'm marking it down as a success!! 

Dreams of Tomorrow

I dreamed of Uganda last night. I know, I know... you are thinking by now, "that is nothing new", and also slightly wondering to yourself how far this crazy lady's obsession with Africa will go...
Honestly, I have no idea how far it will go. My dad was telling me about talking with someone the other day who mentioned that all of his kids that had gone on overseas mission trips had initially upon returning to the States, wanted to move to the countries that they visited. None of them have even attempted. The desire faded with time. I don't feel like mine has. Granted, I've tried to temper parts of it, so it doesn't come up as often in conversation and I don't over talk about it. People rarely appreciate it when you share your dreams.
Sometimes, when I think about how long its been since I've trod the muddy roads and got to hug some of my favorite people in the world, it makes me very sad and I want to mope inconsolably. Sometimes when I look at my bank account I sigh as I realize that the savings I need aren't stacking up that fast. And sometimes... just sometimes mind you... I forget for a moment about all that and its like I get to ride on the wings of God for a moment as He shows me the wonders of what He has for me. And I always dream in color those times, but the color is so brilliant, that I almost want to close my eyes. Those times its easy to believe and trust that He's going to work this all out, and that I have nothing to worry about. I feel renewed, deep down inside where its impossible for just a feeling to reach. Its simply God.

A day in the life of...

Well, my adoring public... I am sure that you have missed me! I've been on a bit of a blogging sabbatical while I worked on a task of slightly larger proportions. Yes, that's right; I have been writing a book. Granted, its still very much in the sloppy-copy-with-large-amounts-of-editing-and-additional-writing-needed stages but I thought I would break my blogging fast and just write about a few things here today. And I don't want you all needlessly worrying that I have dropped off of the face of the earth or anything... ;)

What have I been up to? Well... I could break it down very simply for you. My week of late starts on a Tuesday on which I rise early at 0600 and busy myself with general preparations for a day of work. I have found that given the option of wearing pretty much whatever I want to wear to work (within reason and good repair of course) I will never opt for anything but jeans. Over the years of dress codes at other places of employment, I have managed to amass a small plethora of dress clothes which I like to varying degrees... but when I am faced with the question of what will I wear today and jeans is one of the options... I will pick it 99.99% of the time. I guess I have that relationship with my jeans that some people have with their sweat-pants. Like at every given opportunity they will wear them. I will unabashedly admit that I have worn jeans to bed before too without the slightest trepidation as far as comfort.
Anyway... back to me getting ready for work... then I make a lunch, and leave my house by 0700. I drive 30-45 minutes to work. Depending on the amount of traffic and what they are doing with the stupid K-18 construction. I usually get cut off by at least one really bad driver at this point as well. As I drive I have come up with a no music policy. Instead I use that time to think about my day and get my head organized, and I usually pray for the day and for everyone that is on my heart that day. I wasn't sure that I would like commuting to work, but aside from the obvious gas expenditure, I actually enjoy it!
When I get to work I get things prepped at the house, get on the bus with my little buddy and I'm off to another day in the 2nd grade! We get to learn a lot of fun things like how to borrow when we are subtracting, and about reading for plots and main ideas, and spelling all sorts of fun things. A long time ago I wondered if I would like being a teacher, but decided I wouldn't go to school for that because I didn't want to have to deal with a school system that would want me to teach that I am related to a monkey, which I am not really cool with. Now I get to act as a para for my little buddy for about 1/2 the day. Granted, I have no formal training in this, so sometimes my attempts at explaining something fall on flat ears, but I simply adore when I see the eyes light up and I know my student finally understands! Its about one of the best feelings ever really! I could easily understand why people feel that its rewarding to be a teacher.
Usually throughout the course of the day I have one or two simply crazy, either revelations, or conversations with students that leaves me in wonderment of the workings of a 2nd grade brain. For example:
I had a conversation on the playground the other day with two 2nd grade boys about what aliens are like, to which they adamantly declared that they looked funny, they talked unintelligibly, and were ultimately evil wishing to blow up anything in their paths. They were very discouraged when I suggested that since they had never personally met an alien they could not know that they were inherently evil, neither could they know what they looked like, and just cause someone talks funny doesn't mean that they are a bad person. Further illustrated when I started talking in an accent. When they supported their theories about the bent-on-destruction nature of the beasts they were describing by saying that they knew this to be true because they had seen it on TV, I nearly despaired for the whole generation. However, through some skillful questioning on my part I was able to get them to admit that those where only renderings of what another person thought that these creatures where like and they rather resentfully admitted that they had no hard evidence since they were not eye-witnesses to a visit of extra-terrestrial nature. When the bell rang to go in to lunch I couldn't help but feel a smug sense of accomplishment that I was broadening the minds of the next generation one playground conversation at a time.
There are many other conversations both overheard and engaged in which would make you laugh at the candor of these innocent minds. Like the time where they were explaining to me the difference between boy and girl snakes, "This one is a boy. I can tell cause of all the spikes. That snake is a girl, cause its smooth." or the one upping on the playground the other day... it started small and soon escalated to this, "...Well you have to kiss the WHOLE UNIVERSE!" countered by, "Well, you have to pee in an alien's nose!!" at which both boys doubled over in laughter and then both agreed that now they were just being silly. I tell you... sometimes...
And its funny the things I learn sometimes... like blood oranges? Anybody heard of them? Look them up and I'm sure you'll understand why I could only manage to try the taste. They taste perfectly pleasant, but getting past the look is a bit more than my stomach could handle. Also... I don't think that I fully understood about the axis and rotational journey of the earth until we were looking at in class the other day. Armed with my handy-dandy blackberry (or crackberry as its called because of its addictive nature) I was able to look up a lot more information and fully comprehend some things that I hadn't really known before.
I also found a perfect chunk of time during the day where I am able to sit back and ready my scriptures for the day on my phone. This is not ideal always for really in depth Bible study, but it does keep me up to date with the read through the Bible in a year plan that they are doing through church, and then I can search out things later in the evening. Usually there is one small nugget which I can carry with me through the day at school and its very encouraging.
Lest you think that I am simply a playground monitor though, and not actually a nurse... I should state that I thoroughly enjoy my job as a nurse as well. No complaints from me in that department, though I am obviously much more fettered as to what I can post about that on here. Its been nice to deal with a pediatric population I must say. I've always wanted to work in that field since I first started my nursing degree, and its simply lovely how God finally worked it out for me to do exactly that! Man, I love Him!
Needless to say after a busy day at school, we come home, report about our day, finish up some work, and then I get back on the road between 1700-1800. My drive home always seems to be a bit more tumultuous.  I usually get cut off at least 3 times on the way home and have started opting to drive all the way around to the next exit for instead of using the dreaded construction route because around that time of day everyone from the Fort gets off duty too and start heading the same direction. Its better for my general sanity if I don't have to interact with them, so I choose to tack an extra 5-7minutes on my trip and just go around.
I get home where I generally have some sort of supper to throw together in a hasty manner depending on what time I got home, and then its off to some activity for church or meeting with a friend.
Now that they days are so beautiful I am really delighting in keeping my windows open all the time and coming home to and sleeping in the fresh air I find rather invigorating. In any case it has only been slightly hampered by my allergies and I think that was in relation to the fields burning and not allergies per say.
On the weekends I have developed a habit of sleeping in on at least one day. Its quite luxurious I know, but I thoroughly feel that I deserve it at times. The rest of the weekend is spent as weekends ought to be. Hanging out with friends, Vintage Faith Church, and of course the infamous laundry.
Other than that, you can usually find me in a local coffee shop with a good book or with pen in hand, furiously scribbling away.

Adventures of Joy

I know that I was really upset after loosing my other job, but I would just like to go on record and say that God is so amazingly good!
I love my new job. I love the little boy I take care of. I love getting to interact with all the kids at school. I love the my 3 day weekends and being able to go to all my church activities. I love the absolute stress-free-ness! I even love the 1/2 hour drive to and from work every day (my own personal prayer closet).
God has really, really blessed me. I really just don't even know how else to explain it other than that!
It seems like every time something goes wrong in my life recently He really works it out in a way that is beautiful. I lost my job; I get a better paying job that I love more. He breaks relationships and rebuilds them. My car won't start, but I know what the problem is and can fix it myself. I am broke beyond belief, but I can still scrape enough together to bless someone in more need. The door isn't open to go to Africa yet (which breaks my heart), but I get to live with 4 amazing sisters from VFS next year (which aside from being a huge blessing and chance for me to be a blessing, also gives me an opportunity to honor my father's advice).
And the joy doesn't stop! I guess that's the part that I love the most. Well, I don't guess, I know. I think my face looks 2 years younger when I see it these days. The worry and stress is just gone and with it the unseemly lines that accompanied them. Funny how seeking God leads us directly to that kind of peace and joy!
I guess that isn't really a very good, nice long, meaningful post like I usually like to write... but that's what's up with me and also why I haven't really posted on here recently. I guess I've been too busy loving and living life!

Unsearchable

"Come out by yourself and be clean," You have said
And I have desired it
That purity that dives so deep and cleans out all the muck
That I've made of the beauty You intended for my life
And sometimes I fear that when You see the mess
You'll sigh and give up on me
Cause I know that I would
Which is yet another reason its good I'm not God
You don't give up though, even when I try to
When I backslide and struggle and fail.
Yet again.
You always take me back, give me another chance,
Love me still.
What kind of person does that?
I mean, its just stupid according to this world.
You don't keep loving people who hurt you,
Let alone a delinquent wife who constantly whore's herself.
And I am no better than Isreal
No different than Hosea's wife...
And you have loved me yet.
How can I comprehend that?
Let alone accept is as true,
A Love that never changes?
I've had only small, minuscule  tastes of such a Love
And not near enough to think it might be real
But You keep teaching me to believe in it
That You aren't going to go anywhere.
You are constant and unchanging as the morning sun.
As steady as the ocean tide coming in.
Yet You aren't tame.
You aren't safe.
Ironically You are as many different things as it is possible to be
Yet above all: unsearchable,
Un-understandable.

the song

something about the fact that someone else
had been there before
brought tears to my eyes
and coursing down my cheeks
i don't normally do that
just break down
even if the song touches my heart
i am loathe to cry
ever
its like some sort of strange code
like it would corrupt my soul in some way
to feel those emotions bubble to the surface
not that its not freeing
like coming up for air after holding
your breath too long
and when you finally gasp for that icy air
its like a long sigh of relief
and from the first intake of sweet oxygen
there is release

Like Words of Divine Hope

Like words of divine hope
Balm for my aching soul, they come
Crush through the icicles of this last year
Splintering the defenses
I've so tenderly built
Around my life, around my heart
To block out all the things that I know You have for me
And yet I long to come, even as I run away

So I let myself be drawn...

For its only in Your presence that I actually find
That purpose and peace I've been longing to bind
Close to my heart so it can't slip away
And leave me nowhere, alone at the end of the day
So I smile in pain as the cold gets thawed
The end of winter and frost; I am awed
That in the great magnificent plan for my life
You have anointed and sealed and called me Your wife
And that ownership is something that can't be replaced
An easy access to the Light of Your Face
And freedom I have to run and jump in Your lap
Spill all of my worry and in Your peaceful arms nap
Content with the fact that You never shall change
That Your promises are true til the end of the age.

You're Beautiful

Faithwalkers #3

So this is something that I was really encouraged to do by one of the smaller breakout sessions. (it was one of the girly ones). Anyway, this lady was talking about how she was a busy mother of 7 kids, and getting a quiet time didn't always work out very well, so one of the ways that she really built Scripture into her every day life was that she made up a pack of cards about a topic that she really wanted to study and then she would read them at least 2 times a day. A couple of things came out of that. It was really hard not to think about those verses in the in between times. Plus you start to memorize those scriptures as well from the frequent reading, and soon you are thinking of them during the day and altering your behavior to be Christlike like the Word, and not just your everyday usual self. The other thing she said is that she also made packs of verses like this for her kids when they were dealing with an issue, and it also helped them really learn what God had to say about issues.
So fast forward a day and I went to another seminar (it was a guy AND girl one this time), by one of my dear friends and respected pastors. He was talking about going directly to scripture in relation to people that come to your for advice in situations or even in your own sticky situations. And of course I knew this, but I think I don't think of it very often. I mean I know I should pray and read scripture more than I do, but then sometimes I just listen to the lies of the Devil that say, "well, come on now... you can't be a saint all the time!"
So then fast forward some more. As a church, we are reading through the Bible. Yesterday's segment in Matthew talked about Jesus being tempted by Satan in the desert. Do you know what Jesus said in reply to the Devil? He used the Word. Wow. What better recommendation to be in the Word, and thinking about it, and memorizing it, and carrying it with me in my daily life! I mean, Jesus IS kinda the ultimate example, don't you think?

forgetting you

i downloaded kirk franklin today
so you must not be gone
and i caught myself the other day
thinking of you as the one
to be my dancing mate
but i had to laugh, cause no
you haven't left it to fate
you walked away from the show
before the curtains had closed
and the last aria not sung
your will interposed
in place of that of the Son
and now my eyes are darkened
with threat of new tears
as your ears turned and hearkened
to the Devil mocking your fears
and as my porcelain heart cracks
with each breath i take
and my soul feels it lacks
strength for this colossal ache
yet there to His arms
i run and abide
safe from this world's harms
in my Father's lap hide.

Faithwalkers #2

More thoughts for you all. The theme of the conference was "Blessed", so each of the speakers spoke on how we are blessed in our spiritual walk with so many blessings of God on our lives, and how we ought to use those blessings and take full advantage of them. That much being said... here is a snippet from things that stood out to me from the different talks:

a. Blessed to Know God: In John 17:3 Christ prays saying that, "this is eternal life, that they might know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent." The thought I came away with was this... that there is simply no other greater thing that we can attain to in life, but to really know God. And this doesn't mean know about Him, but to actually know Him in the way that you know your best friend. Yes, you know lots of facts about them, like their favorite color and where they were born... but when you really know them, you know about their character and how they would act in certain situations. What makes them tic, and what touches their hearts. That's how we need to know God. And even though its impossible to fully know everything about God (I've been best friends with a girl for 4 years now, and we still find out new things about each other and the ways that we tic), learning more and more about Him in new ways every day is soooo encouraging.

b. Blessed to be Loved by God: Romans 8:37, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation is able to separate us from the LOVE OF GOD that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." There is no separation from the love of God. Not a single thing that could make God love us less. There is nothing and no one and no where and no how that could or has or can change that in our lives. Our lives therefore should be lived in response to that love. If we fully comprehended even a small portion of the vast love that God has for us, how that would drastically change the way we live our lives in the everyday. We could no longer go through life with the same emotions and same actions and same attitudes, but would be forced to live out this crazy life of love towards others in light of how much we ourselves are loved by this crazy God!

c. Blessed to be Forgiven and Righteous in the Eyes of God: Psalm 51 (the whole freakin' thing!) and Ephesians 1:4 "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight." God sees us through eyes that see Christ's blood over our lives and that makes us perfect in His Eyes. God enjoys you; Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Faithwalkers #1

Last week I went with my housechurch to a conference entitled Faithwalkers which is for the regional Great Commission churches.
These are a few of the ways I was blessed...

a. In one of the sessions the speaker reminded us that it is no one's responsibility but our own for us to stay spiritually encouraged. That kinda hit a note for me. See growing up, I was surrounded by my dad, who has a definite spiritual gift for encouraging; my mom, who is of course supportive of me in so many ways; and my little sister, who also has a definite spiritual gift for bringing encouragement and light to so many people's lives. Those are the people I naturally like and gravitate towards as friends as well. See I am a pessimist. A very severe pessimist at times (which by the way is not really very Christ-like "In this world you will have many troubles, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world"). As such, I often look to those around me to lift me up and bring me joy. Its not uncommon for me to drag my butt to a function wanting more than anything for the people there to lift me up, yet having nothing to offer them. I do this with my dating relationship and it tears us down so much, and is something I've been convicted of this last semester. I do this with my family, and makes me just the grumpy older sister. I do this with my friends, and I am needy. I do this with my housechurch and I am continually a leech on their spirit for God. I do this at church and rarely have my heart in a proper posture to learn from God, beyond getting my heart simply sewn back together. This was so convicting. I can't reach out and share Christ and His love with others when I myself am still searching for it in others outside myself. I can't pour out what is not in my pitcher to begin with.
b. I was also convicted from one of the smaller break out sessions about some sin and wounds in my own heart. I had gone to the session thinking that it would be good for me to understand better the hearts of some of my friends, and ended up nearly crying myself with the hard hitting reality that I played into the same problems that caused their situations. But thank the Lord, forgiveness is so sweet, and His love so free, and grace so liberal.
c. Prayer. Do we do it enough? I think jolly well not! I have had a love/hate relationship with prayer for probably the last 4 years of my life as I struggled with what it meant to have a personal conversation with the God of the universe, what corporate prayer meant and looks like for me, and what it truly means to not care what others think and just pray from the heart. This last week was challenging for me, and then soooo freeing. On the first night we spent some extended time in just prayer for different topics. People on our hearts, our churches, our families, our small groups, that God would speak to us. I went to Faithwalkers two years ago and this part completely freaked me out. I am not a person that likes to talk out loud (strange that I should have a blog where I 'type out loud' huh?), and speaking in front of people freaks me out and usually makes me physically sick. Not to mention the part where I really struggle with what it looks like to talk to God and have this private conversation with other people listening in! Like how weird is that!? Anyway, I was so blessed, because when the time came, as I knew it would and I was the only person that hadn't prayed and I had to buckle down and do it... God gave so much grace. Somehow it was like this strange dam burst in my heart and I don't even remember who else was around, but just remember spilling the heart of what my heart was crying out to Him. MOST FREEING THING EVER. I highly recommend having a breakthrough like that! And it just went on throughout the night. More prayer, more complete grace, more freedom. The next day I was asked to pray for a couple of girls that were going through a really hard time in their lives. I felt so inadequate; I've never gone through these struggles. But as I listened to their stories, God started forming these words and ideas in my heart and I knew exactly what I wanted to pray for them and over them as we bowed our heads. God used that prayer to speak to their hearts. I'm not saying that to brag, because it was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I did! It was all God and He deserves all the glory in that situation. But oh, I felt so near and dear to His heart. I hope He uses me in that way in so many other girls' lives in this coming year!

Those are pretty much the thoughts that I have in readable format... I'm sure there will be more to come in this next week! Stay tuned people; and keep seeking God, and reach out and possibly touch Him, though He is not far from each of us.