So, of course today is Thanksgiving, and while I am generally lacking in the complete spirit of the occasion presently (perhaps directly related to the fact that I have to work today)... I thought I should probably write a little something about the really BIG blessings that God has poured into my life in the last year.
1. My job... Now, technically I had my job before last Thanksgiving... but I don't know if I completely appreciated it, or really understood what God wanted to teach me through it. And let me tell you, He's got lessons in EVERYTHING! Its usually only a matter of finding what they are! Also He has been so good in preserving my job for me, and even raising me up in it, even when I thought I was going to lose my job.
2. My friends... God has really poured some amazing friends into my life here recently. Tons of amazing girl and guy friends who are there to build me up in the Lord and lift me up to Him in prayer... and, what a blessing, I get to do the exact same in their lives!! Man, I never knew the fellowship of the saints could be this sweet! But I fall in love with what God wants to do in our lives and "body" every time that I talk to them!
3. My calling... Now this one is kinda sticky... but I'm going to list it all the same. See God called me to Africa last summer, but while I was there, He just kept opening and opening my heart to the place. So now I have this completely amazing and far-out calling to somewhere far away... and let me tell you it is the most amazingly freeing feeling that exists out there...
4. My relationship with God... Okay, yes, this one sounds all spiritual and what-not but really God has been growing me... and the way that He does that most effectively is by breaking me first! So yeah, this last year has been full of breaking... but the mending is so sweet that one hardly minds the cracking...
Well, that is most of my list for now... not to the exclusion of some other really big things in my life, just a small smattering of my thankfulness from this last year!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Writing...
So, I really haven't written much on here in gosh, who knows how long! It's actually quite pathetic!! But I have made a new pact to get better and try and post more often and not leave so many loose threads all just jumbled around in my head instead of out here on paper...
So that much being said, I really am not sure how much of what is really going on in my life and experience can be transferred to this blog for general reading purposes... Well, you might have guessed it by now... but its all relationships right now!
Guess I never was much of a girl for relationships in general... I have always shied away from as much involvement as possible with other people... I am in fact, by nature, an introvert! But then there is this problem that I have... See I am kinda intimately connected with a God that actually is an extreme extrovert. Yeah, He is very concerned with us living to His name, renown, and glory, but... He also calls us to love in the ways that He loved... giving away very life for the sake and love of others.
Yeah, jaw dropper... cause how am I of all people, supposed to love like that?? What kind of complete and total abandon to love for others would that entail? And might I not get hurt?
Ahh, so now we have hit on the real fear here!! The possibility... no almost certainty... that when you allow your heart to be invested in another fallen human being (and their hearts are desperately wicked above all else) they will take it and break it... if not cut it out with a chainsaw... snip it with kitchen shears, burn it with their lighter, stomp it into the ground, and then add insult to injury by spitting on it!
Yeah, I know I am rather dark... but the fact remains... He asks us to still love them.
Despite their unlovableness, despite the fact that they have hurt us in the past, looking beyond their shallowness, delving deep into their heart and taking a small peek at what Christ sees when He looks at them, and then loving them... perfectly... with Christ's love.
Because you know that on our own strength we have absolutely no power to conjure up this kind of love that will allow itself to suffer and still remain. It's only through Christ's unconditional love that I can keep going through the everyday with people who hurt me, or neglect me, or strain and stress me... and to look at them still with love and say, "It's okay, I've got broad shoulders; I can take it." And proceed to love them still.
And I won't say that Christ's love always fills me, or makes it so that I always feel the love that I should have in my heart for them. But in my weakness, He shows His strength. And I may fail, but He remains faithful. Its still a struggle, but we all have to make continual little decisions to purpose to love those around us in a way that gives all, loves beyond limits, stretches past our prejudices, sees through shortcomings, and reaches out our hearts even when they are bound to get hurt. It's the love of Christ; we can pursue no less.
So that much being said, I really am not sure how much of what is really going on in my life and experience can be transferred to this blog for general reading purposes... Well, you might have guessed it by now... but its all relationships right now!
Guess I never was much of a girl for relationships in general... I have always shied away from as much involvement as possible with other people... I am in fact, by nature, an introvert! But then there is this problem that I have... See I am kinda intimately connected with a God that actually is an extreme extrovert. Yeah, He is very concerned with us living to His name, renown, and glory, but... He also calls us to love in the ways that He loved... giving away very life for the sake and love of others.
Yeah, jaw dropper... cause how am I of all people, supposed to love like that?? What kind of complete and total abandon to love for others would that entail? And might I not get hurt?
Ahh, so now we have hit on the real fear here!! The possibility... no almost certainty... that when you allow your heart to be invested in another fallen human being (and their hearts are desperately wicked above all else) they will take it and break it... if not cut it out with a chainsaw... snip it with kitchen shears, burn it with their lighter, stomp it into the ground, and then add insult to injury by spitting on it!
Yeah, I know I am rather dark... but the fact remains... He asks us to still love them.
Despite their unlovableness, despite the fact that they have hurt us in the past, looking beyond their shallowness, delving deep into their heart and taking a small peek at what Christ sees when He looks at them, and then loving them... perfectly... with Christ's love.
Because you know that on our own strength we have absolutely no power to conjure up this kind of love that will allow itself to suffer and still remain. It's only through Christ's unconditional love that I can keep going through the everyday with people who hurt me, or neglect me, or strain and stress me... and to look at them still with love and say, "It's okay, I've got broad shoulders; I can take it." And proceed to love them still.
And I won't say that Christ's love always fills me, or makes it so that I always feel the love that I should have in my heart for them. But in my weakness, He shows His strength. And I may fail, but He remains faithful. Its still a struggle, but we all have to make continual little decisions to purpose to love those around us in a way that gives all, loves beyond limits, stretches past our prejudices, sees through shortcomings, and reaches out our hearts even when they are bound to get hurt. It's the love of Christ; we can pursue no less.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Baseball... Life
So as I was pondering the great mysteries of life this morning as I sat down to have my morning cup of tea, scan headlines, and change my facebook status... I was just realizing the unique tendency of life in general to hit us with its best shot... i.e. nothing... and then wham!! It all hits at once! I personally find this slightly overwhelming at times, if not a bit... oh... I don't know... disheartening!!
But then, like the avid thinker that I am, I immediately recognized that in this dismal piece of life observation there is a defining key for growth!!
See, I wonder if when life is hitting us with fast balls at a million miles a second, does it not make us step up a little more to the plate? Maybe our best swing will only connect with air... but then again... transfer of momentum anyone?? It takes a whole lot less powerful of a swing to send a fast-ball sailing over the fence than it does for a slow pitch softball!
True, no bunting (enough to get by), but then again, who said our goal in life should be to just get to the next base? Aren't we called to all out, abundant, on-the-edge, fast paced, home run, victorious type of living?
Maybe it only appears that we're getting hit with fast-balls because we were looking for something slow enough to bunt!
But then, like the avid thinker that I am, I immediately recognized that in this dismal piece of life observation there is a defining key for growth!!
See, I wonder if when life is hitting us with fast balls at a million miles a second, does it not make us step up a little more to the plate? Maybe our best swing will only connect with air... but then again... transfer of momentum anyone?? It takes a whole lot less powerful of a swing to send a fast-ball sailing over the fence than it does for a slow pitch softball!
True, no bunting (enough to get by), but then again, who said our goal in life should be to just get to the next base? Aren't we called to all out, abundant, on-the-edge, fast paced, home run, victorious type of living?
Maybe it only appears that we're getting hit with fast-balls because we were looking for something slow enough to bunt!
Wealth
So I have been thinking a lot recently about my own wealth... Now, don't get the wrong idea here... I am not, by any "American" description of the word, wealthy. In fact I am pretty sure that my tax bracket puts me on the lower end of earning in this country. But the fact is that I have a whole freakin' lot!!!
Some of it is just stuff... I have an entire room filled with "stuff", not to mention the trunk and back seat of my car, which seem to be always accumulating more junk. Some of it is good "stuff", there is a detailed medical emergency kit (proof of my nursing ways) and a complete set of wrenches in my trunk, along with a sleeping bag and extra jacket... and some of it is completely unnecessary, like the entire shelf of stuffed animals in my bedroom. I can't remember the last time that I really cared to play with stuffed animals, and at the same time, I really hate to get rid of them, since most were gifts... so there they sit, right next to that picture that I painted, and the collection of CDs that I never use... all that framing another cutesy knick-knack. And don't even get me started on my dresser... the very fact that I have to dig through a pile of scarves that would safely tie together for an impressive clown trick, just to find my brush... yeah, is that pathetic or what? And why do I have so much jewelry? I only ever wear that one necklace... or borrow my sister's. Which leads me to my closet... ooohh, sore subject there... half this stuff probably never really gets worn, but yet there it is... just taking up space.
So, I have been thinking about the blessedness of having very little...
And of course there are about a million Proverbs to go along with this... "better a little with fear of the Lord, than great wealth with turmoil"; "better a little with righteousness, than much gain with injustice"; "better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind"; "better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed, than to share plunder with the proud"; "better a dish of vegetables with love, than a fatted calf (read juicy steak) with hatred"; "better a dry crust of bread with peace, than feasting with strife"; "the rich man may use his riches for the ransom of his life, but the poor hears no threat"... etc...
In general I am one of those people that would agree with the Proverb: "... give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, "who is the Lord?" or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of God."
But I wonder if sometimes God calls some of us to a little more than that... If sometimes He actually asks us to give up all that we have and place our lives and fates completely in His hands?
Sometimes does He ask for a special devotion by some of us? A willingness to give all, hold nothing back, give sacrificially, live for only the day. Never cease in prayer for our needs, and never cease to be amazed by His provision of them.
"But just as you excel in everything- in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us - see that you also excel in this grace of giving. I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, He became poor, so that you, through His poverty, might become rich." (2Cor 8:7-9)
Some of it is just stuff... I have an entire room filled with "stuff", not to mention the trunk and back seat of my car, which seem to be always accumulating more junk. Some of it is good "stuff", there is a detailed medical emergency kit (proof of my nursing ways) and a complete set of wrenches in my trunk, along with a sleeping bag and extra jacket... and some of it is completely unnecessary, like the entire shelf of stuffed animals in my bedroom. I can't remember the last time that I really cared to play with stuffed animals, and at the same time, I really hate to get rid of them, since most were gifts... so there they sit, right next to that picture that I painted, and the collection of CDs that I never use... all that framing another cutesy knick-knack. And don't even get me started on my dresser... the very fact that I have to dig through a pile of scarves that would safely tie together for an impressive clown trick, just to find my brush... yeah, is that pathetic or what? And why do I have so much jewelry? I only ever wear that one necklace... or borrow my sister's. Which leads me to my closet... ooohh, sore subject there... half this stuff probably never really gets worn, but yet there it is... just taking up space.
So, I have been thinking about the blessedness of having very little...
And of course there are about a million Proverbs to go along with this... "better a little with fear of the Lord, than great wealth with turmoil"; "better a little with righteousness, than much gain with injustice"; "better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind"; "better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed, than to share plunder with the proud"; "better a dish of vegetables with love, than a fatted calf (read juicy steak) with hatred"; "better a dry crust of bread with peace, than feasting with strife"; "the rich man may use his riches for the ransom of his life, but the poor hears no threat"... etc...
In general I am one of those people that would agree with the Proverb: "... give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, "who is the Lord?" or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of God."
But I wonder if sometimes God calls some of us to a little more than that... If sometimes He actually asks us to give up all that we have and place our lives and fates completely in His hands?
Sometimes does He ask for a special devotion by some of us? A willingness to give all, hold nothing back, give sacrificially, live for only the day. Never cease in prayer for our needs, and never cease to be amazed by His provision of them.
"But just as you excel in everything- in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us - see that you also excel in this grace of giving. I am not commanding you, but I want to test the sincerity of your love by comparing it with the earnestness of others. For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, He became poor, so that you, through His poverty, might become rich." (2Cor 8:7-9)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
"When God?"
One thought/question that has constantly been on my mind recently is "when?" See in this last little bit, God has brought me to so many places of quiet surrender, prepared my heart for things that He wants to do, and changed my very plans/outlook for life...
But with all of this, (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE what He is doing!) I also get to accept His timetable for these sorts of things.
I don't know what it is about human nature in general, but we really hate adhering to someone else's timetable. I think this is poignantly true when it comes to our dearest and truest Scheduler... God. This has been pointed out to me by several dear friends... and by personal study, recently. Not only do I look at a timetable that someone (or Someone) else has set out with a critical eye, but often also with a rebellious spirit! Why is my first response, "Can't we get this all done sooner than that?" or "No, we can't rush with this, we need to wait for that kind of a big step!"
But when I proceed to do this same thing with God, I know, right from the start, that it is completely wrong! It's one thing to look at man's plans... imperfect people... and criticize, but to look to our Heavenly Father, who loves us more than we can imagine in our wildest dreams... and to flat out tell Him that we don't think He knows best what is right for us... or when it is right for us? It's downright crazy!!
So I find myself resting in the promise that as the heavens are higher above the earth, so His ways are higher than mine... I can't understand or comprehend everything that He is doing, but I have to be able to come to the place where I can trust fall into His arms and forever rest there.
But with all of this, (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE what He is doing!) I also get to accept His timetable for these sorts of things.
I don't know what it is about human nature in general, but we really hate adhering to someone else's timetable. I think this is poignantly true when it comes to our dearest and truest Scheduler... God. This has been pointed out to me by several dear friends... and by personal study, recently. Not only do I look at a timetable that someone (or Someone) else has set out with a critical eye, but often also with a rebellious spirit! Why is my first response, "Can't we get this all done sooner than that?" or "No, we can't rush with this, we need to wait for that kind of a big step!"
But when I proceed to do this same thing with God, I know, right from the start, that it is completely wrong! It's one thing to look at man's plans... imperfect people... and criticize, but to look to our Heavenly Father, who loves us more than we can imagine in our wildest dreams... and to flat out tell Him that we don't think He knows best what is right for us... or when it is right for us? It's downright crazy!!
So I find myself resting in the promise that as the heavens are higher above the earth, so His ways are higher than mine... I can't understand or comprehend everything that He is doing, but I have to be able to come to the place where I can trust fall into His arms and forever rest there.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
As a Kitten
Oh, to recapture the joy of being a kitten in a prayer meeting. How we often come to a place in our lives where the task before us becomes more momentous than the life before us! How we need a divine refocus to realize that the joy of the kitten can be ours. Yes, the task is before us, but God commands full, abundant living! We need rest, we need restoration, but we need a fresh dose of joy most of all! We need to be able to find a toy in a shoelace or a moving hand. We need to be able to see life in a way that makes light of our surroundings that delights in those small joys. That is able to romp happily, to attack eagerly, to go until unable to stand, and finally plopping down in the lap of the One who loves us most.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Living on Love
"The question is asked. 'Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?'
And the answer is given. 'Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love... Old love.' "
-Author Unknown
I have had, in my still relatively short life, opportunity to watch and learn from so many great couples. Probably my favorite couple was my grandparents. My grandpa was 7years older than my grandma, and they were not one of those couples that people were thrilled with. It was just a mismatch. My grandpa was this hard-working deeply-tanned farm boy, fresh back from a tour of duty, and my grandma was fresh out of high school with a small frame, and lily skin. But they were in love. And in all those years I don't think they ever fell out of love! I remember finding one of those "naughty" birthday cards that my grandma had gotten for my grandpa for his birthday. I mean, they were just that "in-love". Even up until the end, when my grandpa went through the cancer... and as it ravaged his body which had always been so healthy, my grandma became the strong one. I was reading something this weekend and it reminded me of that scene which is so vivid in my head of sitting on the swingset with my grandpa probably the last time that i saw him, and him talking about Grandma, and how she was the best thing that ever happened to him. And the equally as pungent memory of walking into that beautiful house (that he built with his own two hands for her) the day of the funeral and meeting my grandma in the hall... and there was no words, we just went straight into each other's arms. And she was once again the strong one as we clung to each other and cried. I have visited that gravesite so many times, with my grandma and all alone, and just stood there, wondering and wishing, with a few tears. Because I wonder if I will ever be able to have a love like theirs.
And the real thing that got me to thinking about all this was one of my patients the other day... cause I was thinking how she can't even hear him anymore, and he forgets where she is when she goes to the hair salon, but they still share the same bed every night and tell each other "I love you" before the lights go out.
I wonder how much of it is just habit... and how much of it is that they really feel the way that we do now, when we are hot and heavy and wanting to be near each other every second of the day? Is it possible to keep that... to be fully in love for the rest of your life?
Or is it a different kind of love?
"In fact the state of being 'in love' usually does not last... but of course ceasing to be 'in love' does not mean ceasing to love. Love... is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace, which both partners ask and receive from God..." --C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
And the answer is given. 'Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love... Old love.' "
-Author Unknown
I have had, in my still relatively short life, opportunity to watch and learn from so many great couples. Probably my favorite couple was my grandparents. My grandpa was 7years older than my grandma, and they were not one of those couples that people were thrilled with. It was just a mismatch. My grandpa was this hard-working deeply-tanned farm boy, fresh back from a tour of duty, and my grandma was fresh out of high school with a small frame, and lily skin. But they were in love. And in all those years I don't think they ever fell out of love! I remember finding one of those "naughty" birthday cards that my grandma had gotten for my grandpa for his birthday. I mean, they were just that "in-love". Even up until the end, when my grandpa went through the cancer... and as it ravaged his body which had always been so healthy, my grandma became the strong one. I was reading something this weekend and it reminded me of that scene which is so vivid in my head of sitting on the swingset with my grandpa probably the last time that i saw him, and him talking about Grandma, and how she was the best thing that ever happened to him. And the equally as pungent memory of walking into that beautiful house (that he built with his own two hands for her) the day of the funeral and meeting my grandma in the hall... and there was no words, we just went straight into each other's arms. And she was once again the strong one as we clung to each other and cried. I have visited that gravesite so many times, with my grandma and all alone, and just stood there, wondering and wishing, with a few tears. Because I wonder if I will ever be able to have a love like theirs.
And the real thing that got me to thinking about all this was one of my patients the other day... cause I was thinking how she can't even hear him anymore, and he forgets where she is when she goes to the hair salon, but they still share the same bed every night and tell each other "I love you" before the lights go out.
I wonder how much of it is just habit... and how much of it is that they really feel the way that we do now, when we are hot and heavy and wanting to be near each other every second of the day? Is it possible to keep that... to be fully in love for the rest of your life?
Or is it a different kind of love?
"In fact the state of being 'in love' usually does not last... but of course ceasing to be 'in love' does not mean ceasing to love. Love... is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace, which both partners ask and receive from God..." --C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
Chilly Weather Indoors
So it is getting to the time of year here in my part of the country where all the leaves are falling dead to the ground, the skies are overcast nearly every day and that blasted wind is whistling in from the north like a freight train trying to make up lost time!
Okay, now I like the seasons as much as the next guy out there... but seriously! This bitter cold is the one thing that I really can't stand! Maybe it has to do with my stint in Africa this summer... I am just not conditioned for cold weather anymore! Or maybe it has to do with my rediscovered love of the outdoors. Quite possibly it really has only to do with my aversion to change... change in weather, change in lifestyle, change in interactions.
What is it about the cold that makes us withdraw... We don't interact as much, there's not as much to go out and do... We kinda draw back into our houses, or coffee shops to nurse our frigid extremities with warm drinks and temps and block out the outside world. Only to reemerge once the entire world has been covered over in a film of white in order to once again enjoy fellowship with the rest of the world.
Then, by the time the spring rolls around we are so sick of being cooped up inside that we bust out at the first sign of adequate weather and get a nice head cold to accompany our eagerness!
But if it is the aversion to change that I hate so much then maybe the cold is exactly what I need.
See life is all about change and if we don't learn to accept that fact and "roll with the punches" we end up being knocked to the floor, or knocked out!
Seems God has a lot of change already planned for our lives, so we might as well accept it and learn to grow and change... almost a sort of evolution into what/who we really were meant to be!
Okay, now I like the seasons as much as the next guy out there... but seriously! This bitter cold is the one thing that I really can't stand! Maybe it has to do with my stint in Africa this summer... I am just not conditioned for cold weather anymore! Or maybe it has to do with my rediscovered love of the outdoors. Quite possibly it really has only to do with my aversion to change... change in weather, change in lifestyle, change in interactions.
What is it about the cold that makes us withdraw... We don't interact as much, there's not as much to go out and do... We kinda draw back into our houses, or coffee shops to nurse our frigid extremities with warm drinks and temps and block out the outside world. Only to reemerge once the entire world has been covered over in a film of white in order to once again enjoy fellowship with the rest of the world.
Then, by the time the spring rolls around we are so sick of being cooped up inside that we bust out at the first sign of adequate weather and get a nice head cold to accompany our eagerness!
But if it is the aversion to change that I hate so much then maybe the cold is exactly what I need.
See life is all about change and if we don't learn to accept that fact and "roll with the punches" we end up being knocked to the floor, or knocked out!
Seems God has a lot of change already planned for our lives, so we might as well accept it and learn to grow and change... almost a sort of evolution into what/who we really were meant to be!
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