Today I am tired of being a “mzungu”. I am tired of being
the one person that people point out in a crowd or the person that “should pay
more” at places. I am tired of people assuming that I am independently wealthy.
I am tired of being hit on by guys just because I am an exotic. I am tired of
struggling every day to make ends meet in a country that is gracious on the
surface, but makes it difficult to stay here.
Today I almost lost it when one of the ladies at work
started to tell me that I should buy a house up the hill from the hospital.
Apparently its quite a nice large house. And apparently I should start a family
in this house. I didn’t even wait for her entire explanation of how I should
start my family in Uganda and blah, blah, blah... I switched into that tone of
voice which says, “You have crossed a line. The following information will be
delivered to you in a completely cold and objectively expressionless manner,
with relatively small amounts of sarcasm thrown in. It is in NO WAY open for
discussion. You will listen and accept this information. You will not under any
circumstances bring up this subject again.” I told her that I did not have
money to buy a house, moreover a very large house. We both work at the same
hospital and she knows very well that no one here gets over-paid. Leave alone
the fact that I don’t have anyone to start a family with currently, and my
staying in Uganda is beginning to even be shaky with the decline of the
shilling vs. the dollar and visa things not going very smoothly.
Today I kinda just wanted to be back in Manhattan. I wanted
to walk into Bluestem and geek out online for a few hours with a nice Caesar
salad and a bottomless Frangelica in my hand. I wanted to drive my own little
green car out to the tubes and watch the water splashing as God paints the
sunlight into the horizon. I wanted to go home and curl up in my comfy bed with
a million throw pillows like I always used to have, or prop myself up in the
corner of my big red couch and watch a movie. I can’t do any of those things.
Today was one of those days when I really wonder why I chose
to move to Uganda at all. Don’t get me wrong. There are so many things that God
has taught me and walked with me through and I am sure that He didn’t tell me
wrong when He told me to come. But on days like today I can sometimes get
overwhelmed with all the hardships and start to think that I am not really
doing that much good here, maybe I should go back to Manhattan now.
Today I realized how insanely shallow I am. I get met with a
few obstacles and I want to throw in the towel. People think that I have really
roughed it in some of my living situations over here, but I have a cushy life.
I have had to sacrifice so little. And I am already ready to complain about it?
What’s wrong with me anyway?
Today I had to purpose again to look for the things God it
teaching me in all this. To look beyond the small things that are going on
around me and see the big picture of what He is trying to do. Stop being
frustrated with not being able to find that one piece of the puzzle and start
to look at what the design is becoming.
Tomorrow is a new day. And His mercies are new every
morning. I should take advantage of that fact.
