Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Intro...

This is a section of an intro I wrote for my book...

"Kansas is where I was born and raised. Contrary to the picture you probably have in your head right now, I was not raised on a dry age-old farm with a tornado looming in the background. (oh, don’t even bother trying to deny it! As soon as I said Kansas you were picturing Dorothy and Toto!)
I was, however, raised in a little piece of God’s country that is called the Flinthills. It’s the part of Kansas that isn’t flat, but where the hills trip and roll over on top of one another in these endless waves of green and umber grass. All this under a sun filled sky and a raging prairie wind that will leave you breathless. Paint in a stratosphere so blue and expansive you would swear it’s been transferred from a canvas and you pretty much have it. Open and untamed it stretches its arms to the horizon like a lazy kid on a Saturday morning. It’s beautiful and earthy, that kind of earthy that seeps into your soul without you really knowing it, and makes you a girl born for wide open spaces.
My town (and I call it my town because I’ve lived there since I was born) is nestled between these rolling hills in a large tree filled valley at the convergence of the Big Blue River and Tuttle Creek. My town is that perfect combination of booming small town and laid-back city. The entire town is actually a combination of a few smaller towns that originally sprung up after a riverboat crashed on a sandbar coming down the river. The founders figured that here was as good a place as any to start their new pioneer communities.
In time the three smaller towns joined up and bloomed around a state land grant agriculture college that was started there. To this day the entire town still revolves to some extent around the goings-on of the now multi-faceted university. We are a college town, which no one seems to mind much, as you can clearly see when you drive down the street. You’ll be audience to team spirit in the form of flags, car license plates, t-shirts, and even a lawn sculpture or two which proudly display the university team emblem.
There are a few other attractions to the town like the large dammed lake which hosts fishing, boating, and a country music festival every summer when temperatures reach record highs. There are college football games at the giant stadium, where the cheers reach deafening levels that can be heard for miles, and traffic backs up for ages for tailgating. There is the shopping/eating/bar district that tends to attract all kinds of different colorful characters from miles around for the coffee shops, food, and boutiques during the day, and the beer and hard liquor at night. Of course we have our county fair and rodeos too.
The main bulk of the town is sandwiched between a hill proudly bearing our town name and another displaying the letters “KS” in letters 20 feet high.
It’s not uncommon to see camouflage around town both from the rural/hunting contingency and from the army base a few miles away. Bicycles furiously pedaling down the streets are a normal sighting thanks to all the low income students flooding town with their energy conscious hipster trends. When new businesses come to town everyone gets excited to try them out, even though they are the same as the chain the next town over. The town lets out its belt and gets a little bigger, they expand such-and-such street to double lanes, but for the most part things go on about the same every year in my town.

In the midst of this is where I grew up. When I was little we lived quite close to campus. So close in fact that we were regularly woken up at night by rambunctious yelling and a drunken personage or two. In grade school, my sister and I actually swore that we would never go to college because we seriously thought that all college students were crazy like that!"

Possibly Offensive

This post might be offensive to some people. If you are one of those people then please stop reading now. I am going to tell you a story I heard from a friend this last week. I will attempt to tell it to you as nearly exactly as it was relayed to me.


“It started quite innocently. A few words in a coffee shop. He was nice and smiled, asked me how my day was and where I came from. I was polite, a little distracted, and probably slightly cold as I easily tire of such questions. He did however manage to secure my phone number by inviting me for an event later in the week. Then he called me. I was uninterested. But he still called me. So we talked a little, hung out, I let him take me out to coffee. He admitted that he liked me. I told him I had 3 objections to that. A.) that I was pretty sure I was older than him. B.) that we didn’t know each other very well yet. And C.) that God was really important in my life and I would need to make sure that I would never think of pursuing a relationship with someone who didn’t believe the same way.
He took it all in, agreed with me, and resolved it. Yes, I was older but we had yet to see if that would be an issue. Yes, we did not know each other very well yet, but what he did know about me he liked and he wanted me to allow him to get to know me more. And finally yes, he agreed that God should be important in any person’s life.
So we went on. Enjoyed getting to know each other better. We talked, we laughed, shared jokes and meals. I honestly had no idea.
I can clearly remember the day that it hit me at work. I should have seen it earlier, but when that last piece of the puzzle fell into place I could see it very clearly. The blatant fact that I had been overlooking. I rushed from work to confront him.
I had been pursuing a relationship with a Muslim.
Yes, he admitted it. He said that he thought I knew. We had talked about God a number of times without running up against any roadblocks and I know he had never used the word Allah or shied away. He didn’t act or dress like any Muslims that I knew and he had never once rejected my western ways of dressing or Christian mannerisms. Hadn’t I prayed over dinner? He had a biblical name anyway, so how was I supposed to know?
But it was true. Of course I needed to know right away… what was I to do with such information? Should I break off with him for this one fatal flaw? I was raised in the west and have read my Bible. I know that I don’t bear the Judge’s gavel. I don’t decide what is right and wrong. God will have mercy on whom He will have mercy. In that instant I didn’t need to know whether this young man that I was starting to like was right or wrong in his conviction of the religion which he was raised in, but rather was I right or wrong in continuing to see him?? A very different question entirely.
As nearly as I can understand it, Allah is another name for basically the same God. I believe that Muslims worship the same God that I do in the same way that I believe that Jews worship the same God that I do. But its like a huge piece is missing from the puzzle. When you take Jesus out of the picture then I descend back into hopeless, helpless sin. Still trying to earn and garnish favor, out of my pitiful utterly sinful state, with a God who is the very definition of justice. It’s like trying to climb a dune in a sandstorm with your arms and legs tied. The complete hopelessness of it would kill me if I believed that, because I know myself way to well. I know that I will fail tomorrow. I know I will fail the next day. And the day after that. In fact, I know I have already failed in over 15 ways today, and that’s without over-analyzing my daily activities and attitudes. Jesus is the only thing that keeps me from that well of eternal depression. He covers everything. For every time that I fail, His perfection already sacrificed for me keeps me buoyed up on hope and able to still come before a God who is the very essence of justice and be able to argue my case with any hope of walking free. Someone has already taken my sentence of death, swallowed it up in life, and given me that freedom that I crave. Freedom to be able to come to God without fear of retribution or punishment for every time that I fail, but with boldness to approach Him as a Father who loves me.
That much being said, what could I say to this young man in front of me? Could I walk away just like that and for such a difference? It’s somehow the same, but also somehow sooooo different. We compared notes. Our understanding of God is the same. Our understanding of how to get near to Him or to worship Him is different. He respected my beliefs. So I tried to also respect his.
The catch came a month or so later. In telling a friend about him, I mentioned that he was Muslim. I was immediately blasted for even considering dating such a guy. I was a “bad Christian”, I shouldn’t be “unequally yoked”, and I was suddenly “really lost”. I can’t even begin to tell you how upsetting this was to hear from another Christian. I know sometimes people hate things that they don’t understand and Jesus turned the other cheek, so I tried to move on, to be okay with it. But it haunted the back of my mind. If I could have that conversation back and change it… other than never having it in the first place… I would have a few things to say to my friend.
This guy, regardless of his religion, treats me better than any of the other professed Christian guys I have dated in my life. He cares about my purity. Treats me respectfully. Honors my family. Provides for me. Cares about my feelings. Listens to me. Misses me when I’m not around. Shares the pieces of his soul with me. Even came and reported himself when some chic gave him her number. He used to smoke, but he quit when I told him of a dear family member who died of lung cancer. I didn’t ask him to, he just went and flushed his cigarettes down the toilet and hasn’t smoked again. He knew how much that person meant to me, he could hear it in my voice, and he refused to cause me that pain.
I have never had a guy that I’ve seen in a romantic manner who didn’t end up cheating on me. Emotionally or physically. They all were professed Christians. So my question to my friend is this… Where are the young Christian men who will give this guy a run for his money? Yes, I would much rather be with a Christian guy who shared everything with me in the way I thought and believed, but where are they? If anything, you should use this as a call to arms for your brothers. Rise up, men of faith, and challenge yourselves to be great. To actually embrace those good and noble and right things which you are supposed to be pursuing as a young man seeking the heart of God. To respect the women you are pursuing and not make them objects of lust. Or just a therapist to sit on the couch of and spill your woes. Or a bank account to help you out in a jam. Or an option instead of a priority. Or let us otherwise waste our time when you still have no freakin’ idea what you want in life or in a woman.
And sadly, what happened to praying. I have prayed for this guy every day since I started to like him. Prayed that God would reveal Himself to him in new ways. That he would use me and few other friends of his which I know are also actively seeking God to speak truth into his life. That his mind would be willing to receive the gospel and that Jesus would stand there knocking on the door of his heart relentlessly until he opens it.”


This was basically the story. I was saddened and sobered by it, and even moved as I was attempting to capture it in story form for you, my dear reader. There are so many half-truths which lurk in the world today and they are so easy to believe because the stench of foul lies is covered over with some slightly appealing glaze of truth. It’s easy to judge a person without understanding their entire story.
I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending. However that is not the case. The girl is still conflicted about what to do and trying to hold all her hopes and dreams with an open palm for God to do with as He will. She still prays for him, but she knows that she would never be able to be his wife with his current belief system because of what she believes about submission. The friend, she sadly has never confronted with the rest of her story and why she chose to stay with her Muslim guy for now. And I, remain regretful and saddened by the whole thing. My heart aches because this is not the first story I’ve known like this. I have friends who have married atheists and agnostics after their original church-leader fiancĂ© was caught in an affair. I have seen some girls leave the church entirely, completely deluded by the men there to the point that they think even God must not care. My heart aches for a woman who has been so injured by the men who should have treated her the best (because of how Jesus taught them) that she feels safer in the arms of someone who doesn’t even share her Jesus.
Something to think about my dear reader. Until we chat again: may God bless you, make you thoughtful, and give you His wisdom.


**Update... as many of you have no doubt guessed by now, though I posted this with a thin veil of anonymity, I was in fact my "friend".
My dear, dear husband and I wrestled long and hard about how to approach this issue. In the end, Jesus and His love won out!
Moses committed to following wholeheartedly after Christ as part of his vows to me as a potential husband, and it is with a ridiculous amount of internal joy that I have secured this front row seat to watch wide-eyed as Christ grows in his heart.
Oh my dear reader! How I wish you could share the joy that I felt as he came to me and asked who he needed to talk to at church about being baptized! He told me he felt he had been "dating Christ" for some time, and he needed move his relationship into "marriage". And then the flurry of "why wait?" when he jumped into that commitment with no hesitation or regrets the moment he asked our pastor about it.
What a blessing and warmth is brings to my heart every time he stops and reminds us as a family that we need to pray and seek God on an issue. How beautiful it is to see him praying with our son or studying the scriptures on his own time. There is nothing quite as utterly beautiful to my soul as observing the work of God on a heart that I prayed over so many, many times!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

I've Seen (You Sustain)

(I've been reading Ecclesiates. Obviously.)

Under the sun I've seen
More than once...

A lovely young lady be taken too soon
Perhaps preventable
Leaving helpless lives behind,
A precious young life snuffed out
Before it was given a chance
No first breath ever came,
Beloved Godly grandparents die
Vanishing into thin veils of the people they were
Their bodies ravished by disease,
Relationships hit rough waters
Though both parties knew You
Still hearts were hurt,
I've seen faithful servants suffer
With no way to put food on the table
Their prayers never faltering.

Yet I know what the great king never knew...

And somehow the assurance
"God would not inflict pain thus on all His children,
He knows whom He may trust,"
Is both enough to know and too little
Balm for the ache in my heart
For those whose lives touch mine
No matter in how little ways.
Yet I know You are faithful, You are still good.
Your strength is more than enough for me.
Your grace is sufficient.

No matter what I've seen
I know You've seen worse
And You'll sustain me like You have them.
There is nothing and no one else.
Basically You are the be all and end all.
I need not know how or why
I need only know that You love me

And that Love makes all the difference.
Because of it I might swim rivers
Though I fear their depths
And my very core panics at the thought
As my toes slip from their shaky hold
In a mighty rush into the stream's current
I know You hold me afloat
Nothing may hold me under
The pressure thrusting air
From already weakened lungs
I find You become my breath in those times.

I've seen, under the sun
More than once...

A beautiful weathered face walk
Gracefully to the shores of death
Pause not for a looking back
At this Sodom and Gomorrah that earth becomes
And that look of peace as they see their Savior;
And I've seen God heal and restore
Relationships that, reasonably,
No one would have given hope
Love lives once more
Where only desolation had set up home;
I've seen You come through
Needs met in the nick of time
And daily bread never lacking
As Your saints hit their knees
Growing stronger with their testimonies;
And the joy of that cry
As for the first time
The contented infant sits in her arms
Cradled in a mother's love
And she knows more of Your love for her's.

And I've seen You
More than once...
Over and over
In fact
Prove Yourself faithful
Show Yourself powerful
Love perfectly
Strengthen completely
Be sufficient
Just enough.

I've seen You sustain.


Desiring

DESIRING – June 7, 2015

It’s eating a hole of desperation into her soul
The lies of a million sweet summertime’s first kisses
And the taste of anxious anticipation they leave on the breathless tongue
Now realism wakes to find she has slept with transiency
A heartless lover which leaves here longing for more and less
More of that feeling of being completely awake
Dangerously conscious of anything and everything
And less of that same feeling, because its absence stabs deep
A ruthless wound which time fails to heal
Small pieces of naivety left raped and jaded
By the overwhelming sense of now feeling endlessly dead inside
The gut-wrenching product of realism’s one night stand
The culmination of a summer’s season on a dreamer’s soul
Awake, she barely feels
Asleep, she restlessly turns
There is no rest now for the martyred soul
There is no peace now for the wounded spirit
Another dawn greets her like a bad dream which she fails to wake from
Sunset finds her anxious for return to the sheets which give her no rest
She’s not tired of body, she’s tired of spirit
The mattress holds no cure for the yawning ache of her need for inner calm.
All too knowing that she has brought this on herself
A bad decision here, a false move there
Those times she should have walked away
Instead choosing to flirt with the edge of danger, to skate the rim
She finds that her tranquility has toppled over the precipice
While she remains teetering on the lip
Too top-heavy not to bobble, too weak to hold herself back
She looks over into the gaping blackness of her own demise
Contemplating the drop, the sudden crashing stop, and the end of feeling
Yet something holds her steady
Something begs her not to hurl herself into the abyss.
Something… or is it Someone?


Horses vs. BodaBodas

This blog post is to explore the undeniable correlation between horseback riding and bodaboda riding.
Now, I was born and raised in Kansas, and while I did not grow up on a farm, we did grow up with an appreciation for the rural Kansas ways of life. When we were kids the best vacation was going to Grandma and Grandpa’s farm. There was something very mystically enticing to me about the farm and way it ran. I had a fascination for animals from the farm cats which ran around the barn to the cows we would help haul grain buckets for.
So whenever I got the chance to mount up and ride horses you can bet that I took the opportunity. Most of them were just retired mares following the horse in from them type trail rides, but I still took the opportunity. When I was a young girl I went through an “obsession with horses” phase where I read up on so many horse things, even subscribed to a horse supply catalog for a while. While my practical experience lagged behind, my head knowledge of horses was fairly thorough at the time.
When my best friend in college had a horse and offered to let me come riding with her (like actual riding) you can imagine my excitement to do just that, and I thoroughly enjoyed every ride we got to enjoy together. 
Now, when you are riding horses at anything more than a walk you need to know a few things. There are gaited horses, which are generally easier to sit (ie, less pain on the bum), and non-gaited horses (pain). When a horse moves at a trot, canter, or gallop the rider has to adjust the way they sit to allow for the impact of the hooves hitting the ground and the muscles alternating. The best way to combat this is called posting, which is when you move in time with the rhythm and move your bum up and away from the saddle in time with when you would have been bounced otherwise.  It is a certain rhythm and once you catch the rhythm, it’s almost something akin to dancing with your legs and hips. If you don’t post then you bounce around like a sack of potatoes and the quickly compounding pain to the seating area makes you wonder why you ever agreed to get on this confounded animal in the first place. *pardon my extremely lay-person explanation of this.*
Flip to boda-bodas… The same is true here. A person must anticipate the bumps, potholes, and other such obstacles which are no doubt to be had on the streets of Kampala. And stand up slightly from your seat to combat the impact of the wheels hitting uneven ground. I find myself feeling like I am posting (minus the rhythm).
For safety, they recommend that you wear a helmet with both horseback riding and mounting a boda-boda. But let’s be honest… we are just too cool for that. I mean, it messes up your hair… which should be able to flow dramatically in the wind…
Speaking of wind… the wind in your hair from a galloping horse, and the wind from a speeding boda… both quite exhilarating, though the former feels quite a bit more natural.
Side-saddle is just not practical… in either case.
You may get thrown off. I have. From both a horse (the stirrup broke). And from a boda-boda (hit a pothole in the dark).
There is a strong chance that having experienced either one, you will fall in love and strongly desire to own one of your own.

Answered Prayers

Well today is an interesting day. It seems that everything that I pray about recently comes to pass. I am mostly scared rather than thrilled with this development. Sometimes it feels like I have been beseeching the heavenlies for the longest time without a single response in the least. Now suddenly everything that I ask of God is being answered? Maybe it just scares me because it means that I am not as far away from God as I had feared. That He is actually near enough to touch and that I can’t run from Him.
I had prayed that God would take a certain person out of my friend’s life because it wasn’t a healthy relationship… boom. It happened. I had prayed that God would work out my new apartment… boom. I am in love with it. I had prayed long and hard that my sister-in-law would be able to get pregnant… boom. The pregnancy test was positive. I had prayed that my brother and his girlfriend would grow in their relationship with God and with one another… boom. I get the call this morning that they are engaged.
What is it with me that I can pray and believe God for everyone but myself? My best friend actually asked me this the other day, and I was blown away by the reply which left my lips. I do trust that God has the best in mind for my friends, my family, and the other people around me, but sometimes I find it hard to believe that He wants to give good things to me. I don’t know if this stems from an intense lack of self-worth or a false humility. A friend of mine tried to call me on this a while back, but I wasn’t in a good place to hear it at the time, and it sounded too much like a health and wealth gospel which I’ve come to hate so much during my time in Africa especially, since it seems to be so prevalent here.
So what is it exactly?

I think, at the end of the day, I need to believe God for bigger things. I know (intellectually) that my God is big enough to provide for me, to love me enough, to bring good things to my life… but I need to know in my heart to where it spills over into uncompromising belief. That is the kind of trust that He requires of me and the kind that will not let me stop assailing the heavens with my petitions, prayers, and praises.