Forgiveness

i'm struggling right now. i really need to forgive someone, but every time i think i am able to do it... this little cutting thing or two they said pops back up and it shanks me in the heart every time. i don't want to be a bitter, sour person for the rest of my life. i want to laugh again. to really enjoy things. but somehow in the back of my mind this is always there. creeping in and dragging me down to its dank hollows with it.
how can i explain the depth of pain these few words brought, or how ill timed they appear to my earthly sensibilities. how every shred of them wounds the very wounds Satan himself planted in my heart times long ago. salt to an already festering wound of neglect, self-loathing, and depression. A deep venous stasis ulcerative wound that God's been packing wet to dry to heal in my heart (nursing terms! hehe). It feels like pouring acid on it.
But the command is clear, just as clear as any other time in my life. And forgiveness will come when I ask Him for it. Its never been something I can muster on my own strength.

pain

its a crushing weight

like a thousand anvils falling on my chest

pushing all the life and breath out

til even my gasps

can't give me the oxygen that i need

cause as much as you hurt me

you are that oxygen

and as much as i hate to push you away

i know no other way to prove to you

that i meant what i said

when i said i need you to be there

for me

same as i am for you

cause sometimes i just wanna be able to be weak

and i haven't been able to be

so this is me

the real broken me

saying if you can't love me enough

i wish you wouldn't love me at all

Random Thoughts

1.) did you ever notice how completely and inexpressibly beautiful it is to be able to open your house up with just the fans on after a simply horrid summer of triple digit weather?? i am falling in love with God's weather right now! could it stay this way forever?

2.) coffee!!! its absolutely a beautiful thing when you've gotten up a 4am... however... it gives you very bad breath (*note to self).

3.) video chatting is a beautiful thing (when it works). especially when its across the globe but other states are pretty schweet too. God bless whoever invented

the internet!

4.) they said it couldn't be done, but i've done it! i've trained my betta fish (Fitzwilliam's the name) to ask for his food and to eat out of my hand. next trick? swimming through a hoop... then i'm going to teach him to jump outa the water through the hoop... then we're gonna go on the road!

5.) so 2 months after moving in... i still have not gotten my room completely straightened up and i have not gotten my deposit back from my previous landlord! ehem!

6.) i am in need of a small chaise lounge type bench thing... kinda low slung... for my room... preferably green and slightly period looking. yeah... i know... good luck huh? pretty much like this... only green!

God's Grace

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

I decided that I would talk a little bit about God's grace on the blog today... kinda a strange way to start my post I realize, but its something that has been on my heart. I think sometimes that we can't really feel the complete atoning, all-encompassing nature of God's grace on account of our own selves. And by this I mean that we think that somehow we have earned a little piece of that grace. Yes, we realize it covers us... but to what extent?

Dictionary.com defines grace as: "1. favor or goodwill; 2. a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior; 3. mercy, clemency, pardon."

I think how I comprehend God's grace embodies all three somehow.

Funny how the deeper we fall into sin, the more it abounds. But do we always see that? I was reminded of this when talking to a friend today. Sin is such an ugly business that when we come to our senses in the middle of the pit of quick sand, we immediately despair. God could never use us anymore. We are ruined. We have not witness. There is not good left in us for Him to work through. Funny... Had we forgot? We never had any goodness to begin with! We were always ruined. God never had a piece of us that was worthy of being used by Him!

We have completely forgot that we are saved by grace. No worthiness exists. No shred of good makes us pass the bar on His usage. There is this passage in one of the gospels, (I think its in Luke (which is the best gospel btw... though I am biased)) that talks about God using one of the religious leaders that was plotting Jesus' death to prophesy about how God would use the death of one Man to sanctify an entire people for himself. It strikes me every time that I read it how God could use someone who obviously was rejecting Christ to actually give this sign of how He would ultimately come to save us all. If God could use the people plotting to kill His only Son, could He not use you and I? Or are we so different? Are our sins not just as bad? Do they not create the same chasm between us and God, no matter what they are?

This is why grace is such a powerful thing. Because it doesn't matter. Every last little least little thing gets caught up in His grace and swallowed whole!

Why does God allow the sin you ask? Well... my personal thought is this: because He couldn't use us when we thought we were worthy to be used by Him. He allows the sin because He knows we will learn... and somehow, someday come to love Him better. He needs us broken down to our basest before He can build us into what we ought to be. Sometimes that means exposing us for all our shame.

The most important thing to remember is the covering though. That our sins are all covered by His blood. That His grace remains sufficient despite whatever fallings, failings, or shortcomings we may have. There is never some sin too great that Christ can't handle it. In fact He doesn't need to handle it... He has already. The debt has already been paid. There is no condemnation. There is only mercy, clemency, and complete pardon in God's free gift of grace.

goodbye

can i begin to describe

how your passing

something i seem too familiar with

has affected me:

there is always the pang

still grasping for some shred of understanding

as if the end of your earthly life

has some larger significance

pretending that some excerpt from God's divine plan

could alter the doleful chord of my heart.

would i could comprehend it

i should still doubtfully agree

so should i not let God be God

and though i mourn for all those days

when no longer shall your brightly shy smile illumine us

and your altruistic personality grace us

i know that you are far happier now

in the arms of the One who loves you best

and you can't glance in retrospect

on the lugubrious landscape of this world

with anything but disdain

you are home dear T

and we all await our trip there to see you once again

with fondness in our hearts

and memories of your generous love.

"Religious People"

Someone at work yesterday was describing a person that they knew and their house. Interestingly enough, they said that her house was odd because their were so many pictures of Jesus and crosses everywhere. I guess I had a weird face as he was describing this, because he immediately back-pedaled and said, "what? that's what your house looks like too?" I laughed a little. First of all, because he's actually been to my house and knows that while I do have a cross and a lot of verses strung about (mostly because I need to be constantly reminded of my roots in Christ), my house is far from an archaic monastery to the Christian faith. We both laughed, and he went on to explain to me that "I can deal with religious people. But that is just kinda creepy." This kind of took me by surprise. I guess I never really bothered to think too closely about this fact but I have always been mildly disturbed by any depiction of Jesus. Crucifix are creepy to me, yes. Understandably. Its a depiction of a largely naked man with long hair strung on an ancient torture device. Yes, I understand that is a depiction of my Lord and His tremendous sacrifice for me and for every little thing that I have ever done wrong (and believe me, there are a lot of things!!) But there remains some lack of what I feel that I would really see in the face of my Lord. Something of the love and sadness shining from His eyes that I think I would see as He bore all my stupidity in His perfect body on a shameful cross. Something of that look that would melt your very soul and you would know that He looked clear through you. A haunting look as you knew He felt the pain and death of every sin that you had ever committed.

I hate the term "religious people". To me that means people who rely on works to get them in good with God. Or people that hypocritically go to church on Sunday and live the rest of the week without any mindfulness of Christ's love or sacrifice for their sake. Some of the most annoying people to work with at my job are those that come in to do bible studies or church services for our resident's. They are pushy and rude without much consideration for the inconvenience of staff or residents alike, even those that they are supposed to be serving. I get the feeling that this is another thing to cross off their list. They are the people that have a fish on their car and blatantly cut you off in traffic while simultaneously honking their horn because they think you should be going faster than the set speed limit. I think of them as the people that give Christians a bad name. They show up for "religion" as a habit or as a moral obligation. Maybe they used to feel passionate for the God's love, but they sure aren't showing it anymore. I hate the thought that I could ever fall into that category. In fact it makes me shudder.

That's probably why, when anyone asks me if I am religious, I say no. Then I proceed to explain that the relationship that I have with God isn't something that can be defined as just "religion". Its not saying a rote prayer and attending some service. What I have is the Divine as a best friend. How can you adequately explain that as "religion"? Religion can mean anything from Muslim, Buddists, Hindus, to witch-doctor type practices.

I don't want to ever be seen as one of those "religious" people, but invariably it will happen. I shall have to explain it all again, which I guess is good. Be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have in you right? But somehow I wish I had a light bright enough for people to ask what was different about the kind of "religion" that I have. Maybe someday I'll get there. I know God has a lot of work to do in my life before my light can shine that bright I think.