Is it weird that I am really getting into the book of Job recently? I just REALLY like it! I've been keeping up (fairly well) with the reading through the Bible in a year readings, and this last week we have entered the strange, and rather fantastical world of Job. Its a crazy story really. Here's this guy just walking along minding his own business and trying to do right and God's really blessed him. I mean, he has his shortcomings as a father obviously... whenever his kids get together to party he knows them well enough to fast and pray for them! (although my dad confessed a strange urge to do this at times when us kids get together too! but I think that's mostly because we tend to get a lil' rambunctious!)
As I often read my verses while I am at work, I get a lot of time to think about them, and not much time to journal on them, so sometimes I make a mental note to come back to a verse or passage later in the day.
The other night I did it in style.
Me, Jesus, popcorn chicken, and reese's ice cream atop the Cico Park hill.
The vast expanse of Kansas sky littered with shape-shifting clouds and the fading colors of a late summer's eve. It was essentially a small piece of heaven.
(I'm pretty sure in heaven there is manna that tastes like chicken...)
Anyway, as I have been reading in Job I can't help but coming back the person of Jesus all the time! I mean this was completely before Christ's time and yet every other word out of their mouths is riddled with the desire to have an arbitrator between them and God. (which for us... is namely Chirst!) Sometimes when I am reading this I really wonder to myself how much I really neglect to desire Christ in this way. That I forget how desperately I need someone to step between me and God and say, "Hey, look Man, I vouch for this one. She's with me." Its only through the amazing sacrifice of Christ's perfect life that I even have the chance to approach God and even dare to feel that I am able to talk to Him without fear and trepidation and mind-numbing quaking and completely and utterly being scared to death of being consumed with brimstone and fire! Yes, God came down and talked to Job, but Job never had the chance to experience the complete freedom with God that we have through Christ.
I think that sometimes I take that for granted. I fail to realize how really wonderfully I have it that I can know for certain that God does accept the peace offering that makes me right with Him. And I have complete freedom to run and jump in His lap, cuddle in His arms, and spill all my stupid little girl worries and joys. Knowing full well that He gathers them all with parental fondness and cherishes me and my silly, often stupid, completely immature, and sometimes dangerously fragile little heart.
I am sooooooo blessed.
I wish I could express how much.
Monday, August 27, 2012
homesick again
living your life with a heart that's torn in two
is a difficult thing to make yourself do.
in love with a life never thought to be mine
yet finding a nook here where i fit just fine.
and how do you choose two families between?
can i help but miss the one i've not seen?
moments of sunshine follow moments of pain
so i limp through the heat and dance through the rain.
someday God's plan in clear light i'll see
and no longer wonder what He schemes for me.
then in glorious freedom, no shred of doubt
at last i'll boldly and joyfully sing out
and i think i may wonder why sooner i haven't
dropped this burden at the feet of a Love this ardent.
is a difficult thing to make yourself do.
in love with a life never thought to be mine
yet finding a nook here where i fit just fine.
and how do you choose two families between?
can i help but miss the one i've not seen?
moments of sunshine follow moments of pain
so i limp through the heat and dance through the rain.
someday God's plan in clear light i'll see
and no longer wonder what He schemes for me.
then in glorious freedom, no shred of doubt
at last i'll boldly and joyfully sing out
and i think i may wonder why sooner i haven't
dropped this burden at the feet of a Love this ardent.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
A Day Off
Well what would you do with a day off? I sat around the house and was largely unproductive for most of mine. I blame part of that on the fact that I was so insanely productive yesterday. See, I also had a day off yesterday, and I got all my various errands done then, so I haven't had any pressing issues to worry about.
I woke up late. Not terribly late though. I used to sleep in until noon, but somehow since I moved to my new apartment I haven't really been able to. The latest that I've "slept in" has been closer to 0830. I know, that's not really considered sleeping in to some of your fortunate late risers, but to me who is used to getting up at 0600 on the dot (okay, maybe not on the dot, I utilize my snooze button a lot)... Anyway, it is sleeping in to me, even though its nothing like the nooners I used to pull.
I did however plan (and I use that word "plan" very loosely; I'll explain why) how to arrange the pictures in my living room of my new apartment. Not really sure why, when, or how I got started on this interior decorating kick, but I really love it. I've had several people tell me that I should have gone into it full time. And if I'm very honest with myself, that's honestly what I would have done if I hadn't met this amazing person named Jesus. Anyway, I put together a few loose sketches of what I think would be cool on the walls, but my roommates all get veto power, so we'll see what actually ends up being displayed.
I also got in a recipe kick. Initially I was just trying to find something to cook for supper, after telling my roommate I would have something ready for her when she got home. I had a few ideas, but they would have to involve the still very frozen chicken from our fridge. So I started looking up recipes for some of the more interesting contents of our refrigerator.
My roommates are all amazing and great girls, and I love them... but lets just say our grocery shopping is a little disjointed. There was a bunch of kale, blueberries, apples, spinach, tortillas, coconut milk, a little bit of hamburger, hashbrowns, and lemons. Now maybe you immediately see a menu in there, but I was having trouble. The freezer was not much help either. The chicken was frozen and there were dinosaur chicken nuggets (see, I said it was eclectic! What are we 9?), and a few frozen veggies, tilapia, and icy pops (again, 9?). Really the cupboards weren't that much better. Canned chicken and tuna (maybe this is terrible of me, but I've never cooked with canned chicken and it kinda creeps me out!), quinoa, brown rice, mac n' cheese, and few cereals.
Well of course the obvious menu would be chicken nuggets with mac n' cheese and an icy pop, but this seemed juvenile and frankly, since I had told her that I would actually cook, seemed like a bit of a cop out. So I dutifully took to the internet looking up what I could make with kale, spinach, and quinoa.
Yes, of course, you my smart blogger saw what I did there! I just took the healthiest things out of that pantry and used them to make my dinner! Actually in the end, I didn't end up using the kale, but I did find a whole bunch of recipes for kale and spinach that I really want to use in the very near future! One of those times that you thank God for Pintrest, so you can save those recipe links for later without cluttering up your bookmark tab on your browser.
So all that to say that I found a recipe for a quinoa spinach quiche that you bake in a muffin tin. Right up my alley! It turned out a little dry cause I tried to keep it warm until my roommate got home, but generally its pretty good, and it feels good to eat things that you know are good for you. Granted I might have made biscuits to go along with it, but I coupled that with some peaches and clementines for a simply lovely meal topped off by a large glass of water!
I woke up late. Not terribly late though. I used to sleep in until noon, but somehow since I moved to my new apartment I haven't really been able to. The latest that I've "slept in" has been closer to 0830. I know, that's not really considered sleeping in to some of your fortunate late risers, but to me who is used to getting up at 0600 on the dot (okay, maybe not on the dot, I utilize my snooze button a lot)... Anyway, it is sleeping in to me, even though its nothing like the nooners I used to pull.
I did however plan (and I use that word "plan" very loosely; I'll explain why) how to arrange the pictures in my living room of my new apartment. Not really sure why, when, or how I got started on this interior decorating kick, but I really love it. I've had several people tell me that I should have gone into it full time. And if I'm very honest with myself, that's honestly what I would have done if I hadn't met this amazing person named Jesus. Anyway, I put together a few loose sketches of what I think would be cool on the walls, but my roommates all get veto power, so we'll see what actually ends up being displayed.
I also got in a recipe kick. Initially I was just trying to find something to cook for supper, after telling my roommate I would have something ready for her when she got home. I had a few ideas, but they would have to involve the still very frozen chicken from our fridge. So I started looking up recipes for some of the more interesting contents of our refrigerator.
My roommates are all amazing and great girls, and I love them... but lets just say our grocery shopping is a little disjointed. There was a bunch of kale, blueberries, apples, spinach, tortillas, coconut milk, a little bit of hamburger, hashbrowns, and lemons. Now maybe you immediately see a menu in there, but I was having trouble. The freezer was not much help either. The chicken was frozen and there were dinosaur chicken nuggets (see, I said it was eclectic! What are we 9?), and a few frozen veggies, tilapia, and icy pops (again, 9?). Really the cupboards weren't that much better. Canned chicken and tuna (maybe this is terrible of me, but I've never cooked with canned chicken and it kinda creeps me out!), quinoa, brown rice, mac n' cheese, and few cereals.
Well of course the obvious menu would be chicken nuggets with mac n' cheese and an icy pop, but this seemed juvenile and frankly, since I had told her that I would actually cook, seemed like a bit of a cop out. So I dutifully took to the internet looking up what I could make with kale, spinach, and quinoa.
Yes, of course, you my smart blogger saw what I did there! I just took the healthiest things out of that pantry and used them to make my dinner! Actually in the end, I didn't end up using the kale, but I did find a whole bunch of recipes for kale and spinach that I really want to use in the very near future! One of those times that you thank God for Pintrest, so you can save those recipe links for later without cluttering up your bookmark tab on your browser.
So all that to say that I found a recipe for a quinoa spinach quiche that you bake in a muffin tin. Right up my alley! It turned out a little dry cause I tried to keep it warm until my roommate got home, but generally its pretty good, and it feels good to eat things that you know are good for you. Granted I might have made biscuits to go along with it, but I coupled that with some peaches and clementines for a simply lovely meal topped off by a large glass of water!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
new life
a disruption in the flat line of life
an awakening of something buried in your spirit
an ethereal world of profound depth
suddenly your imagination springs to life
with words never uttered before in human consciousness
the freedom of dance to formerly shuffling feet
light shines from behind eyes that had darkened with worldly cares
and burdens to hard to bear alone, but yet you had.
originating somewhere yet unexplained
this infinite love springs up from some abysmal well of felicity
like a fountain from your inner soul.
you laugh, smile, dance
care not a fig for what others think of you
you are free, you are loved, you are completely at home.
there is not a dearer sentiment than the knowledge
it matters not what may come.
dreadful, ferocious storms may rage
your hope is firmly, immovably secure
nothing and no one can pluck you from His hand
comforting, sweet, blissful peace.
an awakening of something buried in your spirit
an ethereal world of profound depth
suddenly your imagination springs to life
with words never uttered before in human consciousness
the freedom of dance to formerly shuffling feet
light shines from behind eyes that had darkened with worldly cares
and burdens to hard to bear alone, but yet you had.
originating somewhere yet unexplained
this infinite love springs up from some abysmal well of felicity
like a fountain from your inner soul.
you laugh, smile, dance
care not a fig for what others think of you
you are free, you are loved, you are completely at home.
there is not a dearer sentiment than the knowledge
it matters not what may come.
dreadful, ferocious storms may rage
your hope is firmly, immovably secure
nothing and no one can pluck you from His hand
comforting, sweet, blissful peace.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Peaches and Pickles
The pressure of bitterness' weight on a fragile soul
A loneliness too deep to be explained in words
And the dejected shuffle at the end of the day
Too tired to hold the mask in place.
How did you know?
How did your heart read what mine cried
When I mistakenly thought no one was looking?
And somehow you still knew all of it.
Today you broke my heart because I thought
Somehow my pain might have hurt you too
And I'm not sure if it did,
And I'm not sure to what extent.
But you should know that I'm okay.
I knew all along that He was all I needed
And I know He'll heal this fragile heart
Make it strong again and more loving for it's scars.
A loneliness too deep to be explained in words
And the dejected shuffle at the end of the day
Too tired to hold the mask in place.
How did you know?
How did your heart read what mine cried
When I mistakenly thought no one was looking?
And somehow you still knew all of it.
Today you broke my heart because I thought
Somehow my pain might have hurt you too
And I'm not sure if it did,
And I'm not sure to what extent.
But you should know that I'm okay.
I knew all along that He was all I needed
And I know He'll heal this fragile heart
Make it strong again and more loving for it's scars.
Living in Community
Well I realize I haven't written recently folks, which is obviously a travesty. Mostly, I believe it had to do with the condition of my heart recently. Sometimes when I haven't thought things through well enough I can't really begin to type them down in readable format for y'all to enjoy. And partly I think it had to do with that I've been so terribly busy!!
Now, granted, part of the reason I was so terribly busy is that I was avoiding thinking through some of those things that need to be thought thru before I could write them down, and partly I really have had valid excuses. Fellowship being one, and moving being another.
So today I am going to write to you a little about both!
Okay, when I say "fellowship" I say that because I don't really like to think of our group as church, at least not in the conventional sense. Granted, it is very much a church (in that it's primary purpose it to be a group of believers seeking after God together), but somehow to me it encompasses so much more than just the simple label of "church" that I find myself wondering if it really fits in the category of what "church" is in this convoluted country and society of ours. But when I say "fellowship" I immediately think of my fellowship group from Uganda, and then I feel that I am being more accurate, because there it was a group of young people (they are called "born-agains" when they dedicate themselves to really following God with their lives) that were actively seeking the Lord, and not just a place to show up on Sunday morning. And I guess to me there was something more of the aspect that we were each other's people. The friends that we loved to hang out with and shared our common bond of Jesus with as we were walking or eating (they love to eat! :) or just hanging out and talking. And that somehow more accurately describes the new family of believers that I have found myself in here in the States.
I had the hardest time after I came back from Uganda feeling like I would ever fit into a fellowship ever again here in the States because I felt like I left my true one back in Uganda. Here it is hard to find a group of young people that a relentlessly dedicated to God, and also dedicated to one another. Plus, lets face it: that is a ridiculously intimidating group for a person to try and enter. I have had lots of struggles in my life over the last several years and I felt like coming into a group like that they would be able to see clear through me and see all the nastiness that had been my past. There's no way that they could love me, or if they could, it would be after passing judgement on me as being a fallen sinner and a baby Christian in need of lots of "mentoring". That frankly, scared me to death!
All that being said... I finally let myself take the plunge and discovered that I loved the waters. They bring life and healing and laughter to my soul every single day! (I should footnote here a couple of beautiful ladies that really loved me into the fellowship, but honestly God was also working pretty hard core on my heart as well.)
I've been going to Vintage Faith for probably over a year now. At first it was only every other Sunday morning because of work and stuff. Then last fall I decided to start going to the Vintage Faith Students group. I'm not a student and haven't been a student for a little while. Honestly, its a little strange sometimes being so old in comparison to everyone else, but its cool. I mean, I'm pretty used to being the older sister everywhere I go. Haha! Then after loosing my job last December, I was able to start coming to Vintage all the time, and got even more involved in house churches, VFS, and just hanging out with the brothers and sisters. Its been amazing and soooooooo encouraging, and I can't imagine now what my life would be like without them all!
So back in February, after being asked by a sister, and some serious thought and prayer, I decided to take another plunge and live in community this fall. Its been a long 2 years living by myself. Sometimes its good, and very definitely sometimes its really, really terrible. Both for my own walk with the Lord, and for the intense depression and loneliness that it sometimes has the ability to thrust upon me. The way that community works with VFS is that everything gets shared in common. Clothes and jewelry and food and space and chores all become everybody's. Which is cool, but also intimidating. Lots of people have really bad roommate experiences that stem from other people using "their" stuff. Here is a brand new concept, as we seek lay down things as "my" stuff and become "our" stuff. If you come into a new situation with that sort of mindset, it completely changes the outcome of positive and negative experiences.
Fast forward to August 1st. I moved into an apartment that will eventually house me and 4 other girls. Can I just say for a moment how hard it is to cram an entire 2 bedroom apartment's worth of stuff into one small bedroom? Talk about difficult to nearly impossible. Why do I have so much STUFF??? Do I really need all this? I find more and more that I am turned off by the very idea of obtaining anything else to add to my already overflowing little hobbit hole. I got rid of a bunch of old clothes and old childhood treasures, sent a 2 foot tall pile of old school papers to recycling, donated a full box of school supplies to my parents' homeschool, had to give away several pieces of furniture, and its still cramped in my room! Haha... that means I'm blessed I guess! The nice thing is that my ceilings are tall so I just keep stacking things and eventually it'll all fit! My roommates were incredibly gracious and allowed most of my living room furniture to grace our new living room. So the the crazy red couch had to go back out the 2nd floor window that it came in when I moved into my last apartment, but thankfully this apartment is on the ground floor so it sits proudly in our living room splashes its colorfulness around.
All my kitchen stuff is stashed away in the kitchen and it feels like home already... minus the wall-hangings that desperately need to be put up! :)
Now I am finally ready to settle in for the semester and not be stressed (though somehow I have this inkling that the busy is going to stay at the same level.) ;)
Now, granted, part of the reason I was so terribly busy is that I was avoiding thinking through some of those things that need to be thought thru before I could write them down, and partly I really have had valid excuses. Fellowship being one, and moving being another.
So today I am going to write to you a little about both!
Okay, when I say "fellowship" I say that because I don't really like to think of our group as church, at least not in the conventional sense. Granted, it is very much a church (in that it's primary purpose it to be a group of believers seeking after God together), but somehow to me it encompasses so much more than just the simple label of "church" that I find myself wondering if it really fits in the category of what "church" is in this convoluted country and society of ours. But when I say "fellowship" I immediately think of my fellowship group from Uganda, and then I feel that I am being more accurate, because there it was a group of young people (they are called "born-agains" when they dedicate themselves to really following God with their lives) that were actively seeking the Lord, and not just a place to show up on Sunday morning. And I guess to me there was something more of the aspect that we were each other's people. The friends that we loved to hang out with and shared our common bond of Jesus with as we were walking or eating (they love to eat! :) or just hanging out and talking. And that somehow more accurately describes the new family of believers that I have found myself in here in the States.
I had the hardest time after I came back from Uganda feeling like I would ever fit into a fellowship ever again here in the States because I felt like I left my true one back in Uganda. Here it is hard to find a group of young people that a relentlessly dedicated to God, and also dedicated to one another. Plus, lets face it: that is a ridiculously intimidating group for a person to try and enter. I have had lots of struggles in my life over the last several years and I felt like coming into a group like that they would be able to see clear through me and see all the nastiness that had been my past. There's no way that they could love me, or if they could, it would be after passing judgement on me as being a fallen sinner and a baby Christian in need of lots of "mentoring". That frankly, scared me to death!
All that being said... I finally let myself take the plunge and discovered that I loved the waters. They bring life and healing and laughter to my soul every single day! (I should footnote here a couple of beautiful ladies that really loved me into the fellowship, but honestly God was also working pretty hard core on my heart as well.)
I've been going to Vintage Faith for probably over a year now. At first it was only every other Sunday morning because of work and stuff. Then last fall I decided to start going to the Vintage Faith Students group. I'm not a student and haven't been a student for a little while. Honestly, its a little strange sometimes being so old in comparison to everyone else, but its cool. I mean, I'm pretty used to being the older sister everywhere I go. Haha! Then after loosing my job last December, I was able to start coming to Vintage all the time, and got even more involved in house churches, VFS, and just hanging out with the brothers and sisters. Its been amazing and soooooooo encouraging, and I can't imagine now what my life would be like without them all!
So back in February, after being asked by a sister, and some serious thought and prayer, I decided to take another plunge and live in community this fall. Its been a long 2 years living by myself. Sometimes its good, and very definitely sometimes its really, really terrible. Both for my own walk with the Lord, and for the intense depression and loneliness that it sometimes has the ability to thrust upon me. The way that community works with VFS is that everything gets shared in common. Clothes and jewelry and food and space and chores all become everybody's. Which is cool, but also intimidating. Lots of people have really bad roommate experiences that stem from other people using "their" stuff. Here is a brand new concept, as we seek lay down things as "my" stuff and become "our" stuff. If you come into a new situation with that sort of mindset, it completely changes the outcome of positive and negative experiences.
Fast forward to August 1st. I moved into an apartment that will eventually house me and 4 other girls. Can I just say for a moment how hard it is to cram an entire 2 bedroom apartment's worth of stuff into one small bedroom? Talk about difficult to nearly impossible. Why do I have so much STUFF??? Do I really need all this? I find more and more that I am turned off by the very idea of obtaining anything else to add to my already overflowing little hobbit hole. I got rid of a bunch of old clothes and old childhood treasures, sent a 2 foot tall pile of old school papers to recycling, donated a full box of school supplies to my parents' homeschool, had to give away several pieces of furniture, and its still cramped in my room! Haha... that means I'm blessed I guess! The nice thing is that my ceilings are tall so I just keep stacking things and eventually it'll all fit! My roommates were incredibly gracious and allowed most of my living room furniture to grace our new living room. So the the crazy red couch had to go back out the 2nd floor window that it came in when I moved into my last apartment, but thankfully this apartment is on the ground floor so it sits proudly in our living room splashes its colorfulness around.
All my kitchen stuff is stashed away in the kitchen and it feels like home already... minus the wall-hangings that desperately need to be put up! :)
Now I am finally ready to settle in for the semester and not be stressed (though somehow I have this inkling that the busy is going to stay at the same level.) ;)
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