2009

A list of my dreams, aspirations, and expectations for 2009:

1. I fully expect this year to be one of the toughest years of my existence, with school, work, bills, summer plans, stress... etc.
2. I dream that this will be a year of defining... defining of character, defining of my life, mission, work...
3. I aspire for this to be the MOST growing year in the Lord that I have experienced thus far.
4. I expect to get challenged; to be brought to tears; to build relationships stronger with friends that are already close, learn to love new friends, and yes, even fall apart from a few old friends.
5. I dream of dancing under my brilliant African stars, running in the rain on the dirt roads, falling in love again with everything that I have come to know as Africa.
6. I aspire to fall in love with my Savior all over again.

This isn't all, but it's enough for starters... and really, its all I need for now.

Explaining Death

So last night I was walking through the living room at my parents house, and due to an increase in family staying there for the holidays, my little 7 year old sister was sleeping on the couch. Well, I say sleeping, but in actuality, she was laying on the couch looking down at the floor with this doleful face that looked like a sky about to drop rain.
I naturally stooped down to talk to her, asking her what was wrong. I expected an answer about her having to go too bed early, or not getting to watch the PG-13 movie that was playing downstairs, or something of the sort. Instead, when she actually answered me this was what she said:
Tweeky: "Whenever I think of Mommy, I think she's dieing."
Me: "There's nothing wrong with Mom! She's not dieing!" (I don't know who taught me about dealing with kids... but I'm pretty sure none of them would have said to shut down the little kid first thing and tell them their logic is off!)
Tweeky: *starts crying for real, and buries her head in her pillow*
Me: *realizes my first mistake, and attempts to console her* "You know you don't have anything to be afraid of right?"
Tweeky: *looks at me incredulously with tears still streaming down her round cheeks*
Me: "Death isn't something to be afraid of. Death is just the end of one story. Its just when we stop being here on earth and start being with Jesus. And that is a happy thing! You know that right?" (I know she does because of the extensive conversations that I had with her when my Grandpa died.)
Tweeky: *bravely nods, before bursting into fresh tears*
Me: *begins praying (actually realized that I needed some extra help and grace to explain death to a 7 year old!! not sure why I didn't arrive at that conclusion earlier...) *starts to get a sense of the spiritual world going on around my little sister. Fear is lurking.* (but this is a 7 year old... how do you command demons to quit bothering a 7 year old? hmmm... here's an idea...)
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus loves you?"
Tweeky: *nods*
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus wants exactly what is good for you?"
Tweeky: *nods*
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus, because He loves you sooo much, and wants exactly what is perfect for you... do you believe that He knows the exact amount of days that you and Mom will have together?"
Tweeky: *sniffs, thinks for a bit, nods*
Me: "Theres a verse that says perfect love casts out fear. Jesus' Love is perfect; its the only love that is perfect. Janelle, if Jesus' Love is perfect, and you believe that Jesus loves you, and that He loves you perfectly, then you don't have anything to be afraid of! The fear is cast out by Jesus' perfect love!"
Tweeky: *sniffs again*
Me: "Can you pray and ask Jesus to help you not be afraid? Can you tell Him that you believe that His love is perfect, and that you know He loves you?"
Tweeky: *sniffs, nods, closes her eyes, sniffles come less frequently until they stop altogether*
Me: *continue praying against fear until I see her little forehead unwrinkle with peace*
Tweeky drifts off to sleep.

End of story? Yes and no. First of all, the main reason that I posted this on here was that I felt like it would help in my own healing, the way that I felt peace last night. Sitting on the floor in my living room explaining to my little sister, that death was not the end, was not scary, was only a doorway... and the closure and peace that I felt explaining God's love. No matter what the circumstances, His PERFECT love! Even when we don't understand it.
But I also want you all to know that the devil is real, and he doesn't have a single problem with attacking a 7 year old with fears and doubts! He's ruthless, and I hope your blood boils at the thought of him messing with one of His dear ones!! Mine sure does!
Are we being ready? Are we being vigilant? The battle is out there guys! And its freakin' messy! We're not against someone that's gonna play nice! Are we ready for the challenge??

New Things and Cheddar Chowder

New beginnings, new hopes, new dreams... new apartment. Yes, I realize how silly it is to devote an entire blog post to the fact that I am once again going to be in my own room and living on my own schedule... Not that this last semester has been terribly trying, (okay, well maybe it has), but simply that I am reveling in my soon to be regained freedom!!
In my head, I think I know that my freedom will come with lots of responsibility, but right now my mind is whirring with all the excitement of freedom and not really thinking about all of that. I remember, but its one of those things that you block out mentally, and don't really factor into your situation when you consider it.
And then there's all the things that I will miss...
Like coming home last night at 10:30 to find a lovely pot of cheddar ham chowder in the fridge just waiting for my hungry stomach. Yeah, and I would just like to go on record and say that my mom makes the absolute BEST chowder EVER! And it is best fresh, but I sure wasn't decrying that fact last night as I slurped down a steaming hot bowl accompanied by a few saltines and some surf time. Yeah, absolutely nothing wrong with that life!
I'm actually really thankful for my living situation this whole last semester. I mean, I don't know what I would have done if my family hadn't been there to kinda kick me in the rear when I was being mopey about being in the States, or keep me from going off the deep end with stress from work. They are great, don't get me wrong. Its just time to move on...
I think I have known that for a while now, but never really wanted to do anything about it. See, I am one of those incredibly lazy people that sees opportunities for growth and maturity... and wants it, but then looks at how much work its gonna take, and is like... uhm, no thanks, maybe some other time.
So when I asked God about this, I hoped He would say yes, expected Him to say no, figured it would be best if He said wait, and dreaded that He would give me the "all systems go". And then He decided to speak...
The reason that I dreaded the yes was clear: I didn't want to put in the effort to grow closer to Him. Not that I don't want the growth, just that I am lazy and don't want to have to go throught the suffering to get there! No getting outside my comfort zone. I didn't want to have to work hard, or be strapped for funds. I still don't. But He said "yes". And more than all my wants and dreams, I need to be walking in His way... and since He has so clearly mapped it for me...
So I am going to miss the chowder, but am looking forward to the new things!

Reconciliation

I am pretty sure that I mentioned in a former post about how the relationships in my life have been quite strained as of late.
Enter Christmas... and you officially have me with an intense feeling of stress and almost dread. I didn't want a season of giving or where everyone would be happy! I honestly just wanted to wallow in my own resentment, bitterness, and self-pity.
Enter Jesus Christ... See when Christ originally came to the world, it sure as heck wasn't a world that was perfect! There was a reason they were looking for a Messiah, may I remind you! Here's the deal, we live in a very imperfect world, with VERY imperfect people... (And before you think that was directed at someone, I would just like to say that that finger was pointing straight at me! You have no idea how much I fail at life in general, not to mention the life that I should be walking in, in Christ!)
So, would Someone who had come to "save" us, really be content with my wallowing?? Resounding "NO".
He is never content to let His children wallow. Especially in mires of their own making (and I could argue that all mires are of our own making...) But the truth remains, God didn't like my attitude... and more than that, He didn't like my apathy in my attitude.
I think that emotions are a dangerous thing... not that God necessarily thinks that, its just me... I think that between me and God, resentment and bitterness are easily dealt with. It's this stupid self-pity that gets me every time... Cause with it, it brings a sense of apathy that says, "You poor child, none of this is your fault, hence there is no way for you to make it right. You poor, accursed child. Why do they torture you so?" Got to be one of the biggest lines of B.S. (pardon the French) that the devil likes to feed me!!
Something that God has been working on teaching me all last semester (well, and back into the summer) is the authority that I have in Christ. In Christ, I am not confined to low living, getting by, skating under the surface, making no ripples... etc...
No, He has called me to victorious living! I think that the authority that He gives me is exactly opposite to the apathy that I like to wallow in! Reminds me of what one of my dear brothers in Christ reminded me of this summer... That in Christ, I have absolutely no need of timidity or fear! It simply shouldn't exist in my vocabulary!
This authority in Christ is also my freedom in Christ. If I don't truly understand the authority of Christ in my life, in situations, over others lives, or even over the spiritual world around me, there is absolutely no way that I can really experience Christ's freedom.
So... this Christmas, I made the choice to live in Christ's authority instead of wallowing in my own apathy and self-pity. First of all, the freedom that it brought was... well... incomprehensible. I still don't understand the peace and love for people that flooded my soul. Second, the authority that I had in Christ, left me with the freedom to reach out in love, with no idea or expectation as to the consequences or outcomes. And amazingly enough, God also chose to reconcile every single one of the relationships that I had been so worried about. In ways that I couldn't even imagine, or hope for. Isn't my God good??

Dear Grandpa,

Well, its almost Christmas again. I really can’t believe that you have been gone this long. It seems such a short time ago that I remember hearing your gentle voice rise and fall with the words of the Christmas story. Every Christmas you would read it before we could even think about opening any gifts. And you delighted to read the story out of different gospels, quiz us on our Bible facts, and make sure that we were not missing the reason behind our celebration. The funny thing is that Dad was a much better reader, but you always did it. And we had to listen attentively. Not that you would have taken away our gifts if we didn’t, but you had that way of giving us the eye that said “now is not the time for horsing around, and you know it!” We always stopped… immediately!
I remember the smell of the fresh cedar tree in the big old farmhouse. The joy of stringing up lots of tinsel (we were never allowed to use that stuff at our house!) and seeing the bubble lights finally heat up enough to boil up and down. I even remember sneaking downstairs (and that surely wasn’t easy to do on that creaky old staircase) to sit and watch them bubble and glow in the dark, as the tinsel would sway in the draft from the window. I remember the days when Mom always gave you those ugly yellow work gloves. You know, the ones with the bright red cuffs. They always seemed like the biggest contradiction to your demeanor. All of your conservative colors, and then those bright yellow gloves! I suppose you didn’t mind though, seeing as she always stuffed them with fun candy or English walnuts.
But farther back in my memory, I remember those same ugly gloves, each grasping a huge grain bucket full of feed, with those big work boots never slowing. How you would let me shovel the feed into the buckets, even though it took me twice as long. How you let me carry half a bucket, even though it meant you would have to make more trips. You would effortlessly toss those feed buckets up and over into the cattle trough. For the first time in my life, I thought that I had met someone who was stronger than my dad. But strength goes both ways. Getting a spanking from you was awful. Not only did those hands of steel from years of hard farm work, construction, and milking cows land hard, but somehow, with your calm personality I was almost ashamed. I knew I really must have done something bad if you gave me a spanking. I think I cried from the pain of disappointing you more than the fact that it hurt, (and it did hurt!).
I am almost glad I didn’t get to go for Thanksgiving this year. Tromping through the timber looking for a scraggly cedar tree just isn’t the same without you. I think that’s when I miss you the most, or when I am walking through that musty old barn. Somehow the smell of that place seems intimately connected with you. It smells like hard work, old lumber, hay dust, and tractor grease… mmm, and I love that smell! Just like I like the smell of your truck, yeah, I still smile when I climb up into and charge down the road in it! I feel like a real country girl, that one that I always wanted to be when I looked at you, that country girl that could truly deserve to be your granddaughter. Though I don’t think it is something that I had to earn. You loved me just the way that I was, and you never asked me to be more than I was. Sometimes you made me think for myself by asking a really tough question, but you never looked down on me for not knowing the answer. And you loved me.
Grandma is spending Christmas with us this year. I know you would be worried about her being alone. I'll try and take care of her, like I know you always did. I'm going to miss you, but I know you are infinitely more happy where you are now. And in the presence of your Saviour, I'll bet you don't miss all of us one bit! That's okay, I don't mind. I'll see you soon! Still love you!
Hugs and Kisses, Your Granddaughter, ~Jo

Mr. Lunt

One of the joys of my current living situation is that I get to wake up to things like: Mr. Lunt singing "What Child is This".
Yeah, I know you are jealous!

Did I mention that I am moving in with Jenna next semester?

Best Parts of Today

1. Sloshing through 4-5 inches of sludge in the Wally World parking lot.
2. That insane look of fear displayed by people along the snowy roads as you approach very fast in your car.... *evil laugh*
3. Buying and sporting some awesome blue sunglasses (in December!)
4. Finding a freakin' awesome rockstar shirt
5. Dubbing my car the "Mighty Mouse" for the day, for its heroic bravery in conquering snowy/sludgy roads. Way to go little guy!
6. Chatting with one of my bestest pals ever, and deciding to frequent the kitchen together!
7. Reading peoples blogs (especially stories! gotta love em!)
8. Only working a half shift tonight at work (and getting free movie tickets for doing it cause they forgot that I was already on the schedule!)
9. Making peanutbutter fudge
10. Feeling a little of that Peace on Earth, and not a little of that Good Will towards Men on whom His Favor Rests!

Chillin' in the Rad

So, I am sitting in the Rad and facing the windows, and it is amazing how many people that have walked by that I know!
Normally I credit my Dad with being the one who knows everyone and their dogs... (haha... funny, he is actually one of the people that I saw! hope he enjoyed his Chipolte!)
So, yes, confession: I am a people watcher. *sigh* Now you know! But seriously, I am one of those people that actually make a study of human nature in general, so sitting in a quiet coffee shop and watching everyone out of the plateglass windows, while it sounds slightly (ok, REALLY) creeperish, is actually really interesting.
I thoroughly enjoy psych classes too, well, and sociology, and human development, and cultural studies, and... well, you get the idea. Learning about people and how they think and tick and work. Maybe one of the real reasons that I absolutely LOVED living in UG this summer. Because I got to actually live in a two bedroom flat with a family, and not stay in one of those stupid "Americanized" high rise ritzy hotels, I feel like I got to actually learn what life is like living in K'la. Man, I miss it! Life there was simple. Okay, that was a side note, sorry!
Learning about people... yeah, that is one of the biggest motivators in my life right now. So, any ideas on how I can do that for the rest of my life as like a lucrative job? Cause that would be really freakin' sweet! (okay, even without the lucrative part, I'll take it!)
But then, again, most of you know by now that I really love my job as a nurse... so add that into the equation too. So long as its not some every-day-the-same job. Yeah, so that has just been my realization recently: that I don't like to be doing the same thing for long periods of time.
So, if you get any ideas on how to utilize all these inclinations, and skills as something that can put a bowl of rice on the table and keep a fairly dry roof over my head... yeah, let me know, cause I am stumped at the moment!!
It's okay, though... I've got time... and I know God will show me exactly when I need to know!

Fears (Rational and Irrational)

So I saw that Jenna and Ranger had posted lists of irrational fears... which come to find out Creager did first... but my initial reaction was to be like... "oh, I don't EVEN think so!" Which is, in and of itself, actually one of my irrational fears! So, here goes...
1. Fear of drowning. Not really that irrational, since I have managed to "almost" drown... like 4 separate times. Now I get that crippling fear whenever I can't touch the bottom, and loose hold on what holds me afloat.
2. Fear of cockroaches in my bed/hair. Yeah, nuff said? This is what comes of living in crappy basement apartments (I swear there was a nest behind the wall in between my room and the bathroom!) And, thank you, I have had one fall out of my hair before (camp situation), and I didn't feel safe all week!! Rats and flies in my food markets, ant infestations, spiders (even brown recluse, black widow, or wolf spiders), yeah, I can handle all that... but a single roach is enough to turn my stomach and have me cowering in fear.
3. Fear of people knowing me too well. Yeah, don't even tell me that I am predictable... that one put me into a tailspin for weeks!
4. Fear of small spaces. Yes, I am claustrophobic, and yes... you are standing too close!
5. Fear of being weak, or being seen as weak. Maybe its the stupid propaganda out there that tells us as American women that we have to be stronger than thou about everything. Maybe its just the way that I am wired (or more likely a rebellion against the way I am wired), but there is definitely something deep down within me that really HATES being weak, needing your help, being unable to cope...
The funny thing about fears is that once you can isolate them as such, you can usually deal with them. For example:
1. I know that I am deathly afraid of the water and of drowning... but I made myself swim back to shore the other day when my friends had dragged my log "raft" out to the middle of deep water in Tuttle.
2. I stomp roaches whenever possible, even if they are outside and not bugging (pun!) anyone. There's something empowering in that nice satisfying crunch as I grind their ugly, innocent bug brains into the ground. (no comments about my violent tendencies please, Ranger!)
3. One sure way of being unpredictable... randomness!! But no, seriously, I just have to make a conscious effort to let people in.
4. Small spaces are still not cool... but I can usually talk myself down. And my God likes to put me in small spaces just to test my ability to cope! (Cause He's cool like that!)
5. When it comes to my own weakness, though... lets be real, its there! But its not hopeless... okay, verse time!! "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." and I really can't say it any better than that!

The First Step

So Monday night I was a little tired when I got home and went straight to bed, only to wake up the next morning to a strange glow from outside my window. No, it wasn't an alien spaceship... it was snow.
Unfortunately, I also had to drive across town for a 9:00 class, so I wasn't as thrilled as usual with this white turn of events. In general however, there is something very mystical, and almost renewing about snow.
It covers everything. Talk about a makeover! Its like putting a duvet cover on the world! Suddenly you can't see the stains, because its all blanketed in blinding white! (and don't even get me started about the "heavenly storehouses laden with snow!)
It plays no favorites. My 13year old Nissan, and the neighbors brand new Hummer still get covered with the same amount. (and while his seats might warm up faster with their built in warmers than mine will with plain old body heat, we still are both scraping the windshields and knocking snow off our side view mirrors.)
It makes my life interesting. Okay, so remember that little Nissan... yeah, it and snow... not so much friends! It makes my life VERY interesting sometimes! So I have become quite adept at quick handling when skidding, used to seeing my life flash before my eyes, and now don't even stop singing along with the radio when my car decides to travel down the road perpendicular to it instead of parallel. (JOY!)
It reminds me of the fact that my butt is saved. I believe there is a verse about, though our sins be as scarlet, He has washed us white as snow... yeah, that would be me being divinely redeemed, when I absolutely do not deserve it! And I look at the snow, blinding as it is (especially when the sun shines on it--cool analogy!), and wonder at having to go buy sunglasses at this time of the year, and then think that that is what God sees when he looks at me!
It ends. Yes, like all good things, this season must also end. The snow will melt into the ground, providing much needed moisture to keep all the trees and plants alive... and slowly, the snow will bring about renewal in the form of budding plants next spring.
So I throw a scarf around my neck, zip that coat up as far as it will go, and head out into the winter wonderland, to place a couple of well meaning footsteps on the "snows" of time... and leave my print in an unblemished plane!

Glitches in the Matrix

So I don't know about you, but when I make friends, I am one of those severely pessimistic people who love to search and search until I find that one thing that I can't stand about them. Not that I am a really awful friend, or really delight in finding people's faults...
I don't know, I guess I just operate under this supposition that what I don't know can easily sneak up and bite me. So if I know ahead of time what this "glitch" in the friendship is... then I can easily avoid uncomfortable situations, or know to have grace for a certain subject.
Okay, all that to say... I have been looking for Jenna's "glitch" for a long time! Jenna is one of those people that I knew right away when I met her, that she was a genuinely sweet spirit. (and I still maintain that stance!) And she was obviously someone who was connected with God's heart in ways that I was frankly jealous of, because I felt like I wasn't there, and didn't know how to get there. These people generally worry me more than the rest. First of all, I always feel dwarfed by them at first, and then completely overwhelmed when they befriend me! (again, openness and honesty are gonna be key, cause I can't even pretend to be on the same level spiritually!) And then, I actually start to get to know them, and low and behold... they have struggles too!! Who knew??
Somehow the gap starts shrinking... but there remains the one thing to be found... that darn "glitch".
I found Jenna's. That one thing about her that I just can't stand! She doesn't get LOST!
No seriously... I grew up here... in this county, right here in this town! But I swear that when we go driving with no destination in mind... I get completely lost, and annoying little Jenna knows exactly where she is! And even when she turns down a ramshackle old gravel road out in the boondocks of north-eastern Kansas, she always ends up back on a road that she knows!! And this isn't just in the day! Oh, no! This mistress of the highway and country road also can do so in the DARK!!
Okay, so right about now, you are undoubtedly getting ready to either skip this blog post because of the absurdity of such a severe reaction to such a trivial thing like inborn compasses... and minds that contain terrain maps... or to laugh your head off at what I finally figured out the "glitch" to be.
Oh, but the story does not end there... see once you find out what the "glitch" is... people with my complex and 'predictable' personality will naturally try and exploit the glitch. Joke about it, express their severe displeasure of it, smile inwardly every time it happens... you know, the usual.
So here's the deal: Jenna got LOST!!
I know what you are going to say... I drove her to it! (haha, no pun intended! I wasn't driving anyway) But it really was the most freeing thing... I really couldn't stop myself from laughing about it. So, yeah, we started from Manhappening... and ended up in Waterville. So, its kinda a bad thing when you are supposed to be headed towards your nice warm bed at home, and ahead of you, you spot a looming sign for Beatrice, NE!!
Not to say that I didn't enjoy every single minute of our glorious car ride together. In fact, I think that Jenna is one of the few people that I can sit in a car with for 3 hours and feel that we have only been talking for 10min. And Jenna, I do love you!~
But here lies the problem... having effectively gotten Jenna lost, I am now sans "glitch" for our friendship. I guess now I shall have to start all over...
Oh, but I shall have plenty of opportunity for finding "glitches"... I am going to live with my dear Jenna next semester!! And let me tell you, I can't wait!

They say it happens in Threes...

Its a myth in nursing homes... that it happens in threes. So if one resident passes away, the whole staff waits for the other two.
Maybe when we trivialize death, we think that it makes it a whole lot easier to cope with. In all actuality I think that it makes it that much harder. When we act like it doesn't phase us, I don't think we are actually doing anything for ourselves.
But forget about real death for a while... think about death of a dream, death of a relationship, death of a season in life...
What about those? Are we trivializing them too? Are we trying to bury them away in our subconscious where they won't hurt us, affect us, make us feel? And what exactly is it that we are so afraid of feeling in the first place? I wish I knew. I feel like maybe if I did I wouldn't feel so badly about all the deaths that I see/experience/feel around me or in me.
Sometimes I think its that I am too afraid to feel, lest I be vulnerable. Too afraid to hope, lest I be disappointed. Too afraid to afraid to love, lest I be get my heart broken.
But far back in my mind, I can recall those times when I wasn't afraid.
In fact I read about one of them just the other day... I was rereading one of my descriptions of life in my UG, and remembering the openness and lack of fear that I felt there. It probably, in all actuality, was just a special gift of grace for the moment, or as some would like to say, a change in mindset, and not something special about the place itself. And then I think of those times that I have stepped out and met people... people who are now my best friends in the world. And how such a little act of being open, and vulnerable has ushered in some of the most refreshing relationships!
And it doesn't help with the 'deaths', but it does help me go on 'living'... that knowledge that there is so much more to think, feel, experience, dream... that these deaths themselves are sometimes a pathway into life.
And I smile because I remember that even as my residents take their final breath... I see my fellow staff member saying goodbye... bent over with her pregnant belly in the way of that last hug...

These are a few of my favorite things...

Okay, call it peer pressure... but Ranger and Jenna did it... and so here I am too... posting a list of my favorite things...
In no particular order and by no means an exhaustive list:
*the color green... anywhere, anytime
*getting really fired up when I am writing... so that my thoughts flow faster than my hands over the keys... (and they can go pretty fast!)
*making someone's day
*having loooooOoooOOoooong talks with my best friends
*hanging out with no agenda... but just to "hang out"
*being told to "shut up, you're beautiful" when I am putting myself down
*talking to, loving on, pouring into, being poured into by, sharing life with... people half the world away
*that amazing hush right after a snow shower... when its dark and all the world appears asleep as the last few flakes drift to the ground and you can see (and almost hear) your breath its so quiet
*making the first print in a sea of fresh snow
*Indian summer
*summer sunsets on the savannah in Africa
*having my "bubble" popped
*finding a verse that speaks to my heart, that I have never heard before
*driving in my car, with the bass turned all the way up, the windows down, sunroof open, singing at the top of my lungs... (so long as no one else can hear me!)
*outdoing boys at their own game... (yeah, embarrassing, but true; it brings me a lot of pleasure!)
*praying until tears come, or I am shouting at the heavens, or I finally feel peace
*cooking, mindlessly cleaning, running errands efficiently, and other things domestic...
*sleeping with the windows open; falling asleep to music; falling asleep exhausted and content; falling asleep near a loved one...
*Mountain Dew or Chai tea, based on the need of the moment
*finding/thinking of/singing songs that speak directly to the heart
*pretty much anything African... or anything that can remind me of something African... (hmm, can we say obsession?)
*surprising people (usually pleasantly, but sometimes just to see their reaction)
*openness
*flowers
*giving a gift that makes someone cry
*being creative -- art, crafts, decorating, yeah...
*having and making plans (even ones I have little-to-no hope of ever carrying out)
*knowing I am loved, without hearing any words
*saying "I love you" without words
*"tromping" in the timber
*spinning around in a field of wildflowers or atop a hill as if I am Maria VonTrapp in the Sound of Music
*the smell of tractor grease and hay dust in old barns and farm trucks
*pretending I am really bad ass...
*wearing flip-flops and hoodies
*having "I-don't-care" moods
*listening to people's problems, asking that perfect question, seeing the light dawn as they realize they have known all along what they need to do about their problem, directing them back to Christ, loving them, and praying for them
*that sore feeling you have the day after you worked out really hard
*those moments when everyone in my family is laughing together
*the smell of baking
*texting
*bare-feet (anytime; but especially fun when squished deep in some good 'ol dirty Kansas mud!)
*knowing a little bit about everything, and using that information at opportune times...
*freedom (physical, governmental, spiritual, emotional, financial, relational)
*the number 7
*my God... even when I don't understand what He is doing, and when I am stupid and rebellious, He still loves me

Mad...... dly in Love?

So I am really getting the feeling right now that if I could just get good and mad at someone, or something for a bit, I would feel 10x better.
I know that is a lie of the devil in my life, cause this definitely isn't a Godly anger... and it definitely isn't an anger in which I wouldn't sin. But I am still stuck here with this feeling...
Almost like the anger would be able to unleash some sort of pent up aggression that I have been harboring towards situations in my life. And when I say situations, I really mean situations. I would have to honestly say that I am really not mad at the people who are involved in the situations, or even their actions or words which may have caused the situations.
Maybe I should take up boxing... hmmm...
But then I know that anger is not the key. Its what I want, but its not what would really make me feel better. In the end I would feel just as bad, if not worse. And the potential to damage relationships is... well, huge.
What I need is the exact opposite... a fresh dose of God's love. Both poured out over my life, and then spilling out of my overflowing cup onto/into those situations around me and ultimately into other's cups... and the chain keeps going...
I don't need anger... I need Love.

Going Green (Before it was Cool)

Okay, so it was a corny title... but my favorite color is green and I was just thinkin' on how much I really like the color green. And there are so many reasons... (okay, bear with me, cause this might get kinda silly!) Green is:

• The color of my birthstone (emerald)
• The color of my car (haha... also Emerald -- his name... I'll blog about that some other time)
  
• The color of God's creation -- plants, trees, flowers, its all green... in fact when we don't see green around us in our environments we consider it unhealthy. Did you ever notice the ability of a single green sprout to give us hope after a long winter? Don't you feel yourself come alive with the baby green of the first budding leaves in the spring, and fade into doldrums with the banishment of them in the fall... only to be renewed by the stark contrast of evergreens against a backdrop of drab brown, or brilliant white?
  
• A generally versatile color... I mean, seriously, what color doesn't it go with?? And don't even try to tell me that there exists such a color... I have already experimented... there isn't!
  
• Who doesn't green look good on? Pretty much anyone can find some shade of green that looks amazing on them.
• The only color that you will find used universally for any celebration... (greenery on the wedding flowers, spring green for Easter, Christmas red and green, Thanksgiving olive green, etc.)
• Denotes all systems "go" --green traffic lights, green chat indicators...
• Because of the mix of cool and warm colors... green is a very calm (cool), yet vibrantly alive (warm) color.

Oh, trust me I could go on... but that is really besides the point. And then, you ask: what exactly was the point? And for the first time in several posts... hmmm... I don't know if there was one!
Wow, that was freeing though!
Except of course... that this whole "going green" thing... yeah, I so already was on top of that one!!

The "R's"

So, last night I was feeling quite down... okay, so it wasn't just last night, but it has been kind of a constant struggle as of late. Part of it has to do with work, and part of it has to do with living situations, and part of it has to do with some strained relationships with a couple of the men in my life...
But the fact remains that I was feeling... well, quite honestly, defeated. So I changed my facebook status to reflect such: "Jo is dehydrated, decelerated, dissatisfied, dissident, and dissenting..." Yeah, bummer status, huh? But that is honestly the way that I was feeling.
And the sad thing is that I just kept going with my life. I joked with my sisters, I dragged myself to lifegroup last night, I went to a staff Christmas party, I tried to be "up" and "happy", but it all felt empty.
Even sadder... those weren't all the "D's" that I was feeling and could have listed... disconnected, decapitated, dysmorphic, depressed, dysrhythmic, deadened...
But sometimes God is gracious, and sorrow lasts for a night, but joy returns with the morning. About 2am, a very Godly man that I met online, left me a message saying that he hoped the "D's" would soon be replaced by "R's"... which seems an odd thing to say... until you think about it...
And then suddenly my mind was flooded with the promises of God...
Renewal, Relationship, Realness, Righteousness, Refreshment for the thirsty, Rest for the weary, Restoration for the wanderer, and the list goes on...
And the funny thing is that when I start to think about the pRomises of God, instead of the drudgery of this life, and suddenly all the "D's" start to blur and grow legs... they turn into "R's". I know that with my God all is not lost. I am not condemned to depression, but restored to His grace.
My new status: "Jo is refocused, rejuvenated, re'rap'ed, and recommitted."

btw: check out this song... How It Used To Be

Winter

So a little part of me just died inside... which is actually a good thing, cause it was something that God has been working for a long time to unclench my fist over. But now I feel almost more defeated than when it was defeating my life. Why is that?
Shouldn't I be overwhelmed with a freedom and vigor like I usually am when He finally gets to the heart of the matter and I let Him take full control? Maybe that joy and release hasn't come yet, because I am too emotionally invested in it this time.
In any case I feel very strongly the winter on my life. Not that things are completely caked in snow ten feet under, but just the death of so many wants and desires in my life.
Okay, so maybe it is more like a greenhouse farmer... cause I definitely see God doing a lot of growth in some areas. The just seem to be controlled and not out in the environment like I am used to. But maybe that is where He is having to start me out on some of this character building. In there, where it is just me and Him, and then someday, I'll be able to come out into the world a strong and vibrant plant that can last many winters.

Heart-Aching

So God has built me with this heart that has a strange ability to feel acutely for people...
And right now, I am really aching for a couple of my friends that are really dealing with relationship problems... undefined parameters, breaking up, jumping in too fast... kinda running the whole gamete on what the issues are.
And the people are varied, guys and girls, intro- and extro- vert personalities, strong and weak in the Lord,... but there is still the ache for every single one of them (no pun intended on the "single" part).
And maybe its too close to home... and that's why it aches so much. I have so many conflicting ideas, ideals, rules, and freedoms in that area, that I see all to clearly the struggle that it is!
Part of me really wants to rebel against that and say that if something was really God's will He would work it out in a way that was perfectly natural, and not so much of an emotional battle. But then again, I look back on what God has done in my past, and the times that He grew me the most where the times of greatest struggle.
So here I am, with still the ache, but the knowledge that God has a plan, and I can trust Him perfectly, not only in my life but in those of my friends.
My mission is not the ache, (unless it is a tool to drive me to my knees for them), and its not pity (but confidence in God's strength), and not withdrawal from messy situations (but standing with them in encouragement, and building them up for absolute purity).

Wants, Desires, and Callings

Okay, so my current struggle is with knowing what to do...
So I have an abundance of counselers, but I feel like it is confusing me more than giving me wisdom!! How does one sort through their own desires, those of their family, their friends, and also ascertain what God's calling in their life is??
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, and sometimes I wish that no matter what I did, people would still love me, and not judge me!! But here I am, with so many people that I love, and that I know love me, and while I love the fact that they care enough to offer their wisdom... I feel like every time one of them opens their mouth, I have something else to add into my equation that I hadn't thought of before. I know that I need to think through everything. But sometimes, I wish it were just me and God making my decisions, and not all these other things added into it...
And then I come back to the place where, ultimately, it is just me and God making these decisions. Who am I answering to, if not directly to my God? And who else answers to God for my decisions (no matter how much they influence them)?
See, if it is still on my shoulders, if it is ultimately just me and my God doing this thing... then I have a whole heck of a lot more freedom. And then I can stand back and look at the counsel from family and friends, as just that... counsel.
Not something that has to directly effect the way that I am functioning in my decision making process, but just something to think about, pray about, bring back to ask God about, ponder... But sans the pressure of always having to think that I am rejecting what they have to say if I decide against what they are telling me is a good idea.
Because, ultimately, I know that if my God is with me, who can stand against me??

Oppression

Wooohh... Deep, dark title... and rightly so...
See what is laying on my heart and mind right now is an overwhelming urge to be fighting, with constant prayer, for the saints.
Which leads me to a question: What do you know about spiritual warfare?
Okay, perhaps I should define what I mean by that term first, because it gets tossed around in Christian circles, but I think that very few people actually really think about it, or really, know what to think about it! When I say "spiritual warfare" I am referring to an alternate realm, existing within our world, but all too often unseen. (and now, you officially have my permission to label me as a radical and proceed to continue reading whatever I have to say with a conservatively cautious eye!) I firmly believe that there are forces, forces of good and evil, operating within our world. We are usually not aware of them in the U.S. but I think worldwide the spirit world is more easily recognized. I don't know if I can paint a clear, concrete picture of what I perceive the spirit world to consist of... but I do know this: when I encounter it, it very often leaves me unsettled.
Okay, now I'll have to go back and explain what I mean by unsettled... I mean to say that while I have very rarely felt directly attacked by the evil forces of the spirit world, (we'll call them demons), I can, at times very acutely feel their presence. I've been told that this is a gifting of the Holy Spirit, but I think that it also requires a mind that is open and willing to be vigilant at watching for the attacks of Satan over our lives. I don't mean by any means to say that I feel effected by the demons (see, I believe that I am protected by my relationship with Christ, where I am sealed by His blood), and while it is possible that I may give the devil a foothold in my life and allow him to effect an area of my life for a season... because of the seal of Christ's blood over my life, I am not to be controlled or ruled by these evil forces. (but how I often give him a foothold, i.e. fear!) My unsettling usually comes from looking about me at the masses of souls who are not sealed. They are sitting ducks; easy targets for the fiery arrows of the Devil.

Okay, all of that to say: My current burden is strong for my community of Christ followers. From talking to people and praying together... I am just sensing a huge oppression upon us all from evil forces. I can't explain it fully, it almost makes me excited, knowing God is about to do something, and the Devil wants nothing more than to stop His advance. But it also makes me concerned for those around me that either: A. can't see that this battle is spiritual, and are still fighting at an emotional level, or B. have handy footholds for Satan already set up in their lives or are already experiencing the Devil having "one leg up" in their lives, or C. those who are actively fighting, but are loosing faith in running headlong into this cloud of darkness, unable to see the lights on their right and left of others struggling in prayer for the same cause!
So, my charge for today is prayer!
The ironic thing is that I have not been able to sleep well at all the last couple nights, but didn't really know why. Last night was little better as far as restlessness, but this time I knew why! And its the battle of prayer until my eyes drift shut!!

December

So this is my first post for the month of December, and let me tell you, it has snuck up on me!! (and yes, snuck is a word)
Seems that this whole semester has dragged its stubborn feet, and flew by like a teenager with an new auto license. I only had one class this semester which both simplified and complicated my life. See I am one of those annoying individuals with a huge propensity to get massive amounts of work done when the piles start staring me in the face, and very little done when I don't have any pressure exerted on my life.
Well, my mom has officially put up the Christmas tree in our family home. But I have yet to feel Christmassy... (and yes, that is a word too!). I was talking to one of my absolute best friends the other day, and this is my take on the phenomenon of being "out" of the Christmas spirit... are you ready for this??

Okay, what is up with "Christian" holidays anyway? I mean, celebrating Christ's birth or his resurrection, while I don't feel that they are inherently bad, what do they really have to do with this every day faith that I am supposed to be culturing? Why am I only thanking God for the gift of sending His perfect Son to my fallen world only once a year? Why am I rejoicing in His divine plan of saving my absolutely messed up life through conquering death and breaking its shackles that were around my feet, only once in the spring time, by wearing a cute dress and white shoes on my loose feet?? I mean, PLEASE!!
People, are we not supposed to be celebrating thankfully for these gifts every single day? And if so... why do we need a special holiday designated for this purpose?
I'm not, by any means advocating the abolition of holidays all together... (I still want my time and a half pay!!) but just wondering with all the secularizing of these holidays, and our general outcry on that behalf, are we missing maybe the deeper underlying truth of what God is wanting to communicate?
What if we were to quit living forward to the holiday, and starting living the gift today! Every hour, every day!