Be forewarned: this blog post my contain some content with strong thematic elements, brief disturbing images, and situations of intense peril. (that sounds funny, but I'm really not kidding)
So my Saturday started off well enough. Overslept just a smidge. But got to work only 7 minutes late, and no one noticed. Started in on my day. Actually, more like I started in on a roll! We were knocking off our tasks left and right. Then about 10am I got an emergency call.
See I work in a nursing home and have 25 full time residents that I am responsible for direct care and medications for. However, I also carry a pager that alarms from emergency pull stations in about 250 other independent apartments on the campus. So I called this apartment to see what was wrong (sometimes we get false alarms. Someone bumped it by accident or such. Or I may need special equipment or someone to help me, so its a good idea to call first.) This lady answers the phone, very distraught sounding, and tells me to come quick because someone fell, and hit his head.
Not a big deal. Over half of my emergency calls end up being falls. And head wounds are not uncommon as well, and of course they bleed like crazy, so normally people get panic-y. I tell her we'll be right up.
Me and another nurse get up there and enter the apartment. He's in the bathroom, facedown on the floor. Half the floor is covered in blood, another fourth in bodily excrement. It looked like a freakin' CSI scene. We quickly check a pulse, but its soon obvious this gentleman has been deceased for over 4 hours (obviously I didn't do a liver probe or anything, that is just a rough estimate). I think in all of my experiences as a nurse, there is only two other times when my stomach turned as much as it did then (gas gangrene, diabetic foot ulcers in UG). Between the waste smell, the congealed blood (think jello consistency), rigor mortise, and the natural dependent blood pooling, we just barely were able to cope, and had to step out. We are good and professional nurses... but it took a lot to get through cleaning him up so the mortuary could get him. I muddled through the rest of my day, but it tore me up pretty bad emotionally.
*Up until that day, I wished that I would have went and looked at Grandma after the car accident. Now I'm glad I never saw her. I'm glad that I have a last picture of her sleeping peacefully in her bed when I woke her up to check on a bandage I had rigged for her: that beautiful white hair swept back in her usual pompadourian style bun, her eyes closed serenely, and that sweet smile.*
Then I wake up Sunday morning to go in to work a little early. My tire blows on the way there. So there I am on the side of a country road, 630am, in khaki pants, jacking up my car to change to the donut! Thanks to my dear friend BJ, (who when working on my car like a sweetheart, put all of my lug-nuts on with a freakin' torque wrench!) I had a bear of a time getting the tire off. As I'm finally getting it all squared away and lowering my jack back down, a guy in a truck pulls up and asks if I need help. I looked up, smiled really sarcastically, and was like, "Nah, you're a little late buddy! I think I got it from here!"
Top this all off with a lovely e-mail from the stand in boss telling me that I am unprofessional if I don't get all my shifts covered for while I'm gone on vacation. The vacation time that I put in for 6 months ago, and was okay-ed by my real boss'. Sometimes people are annoying.
All this was on top of trying to pack everything and get stuff squared away for my departure in a week. The stress level was deafening.
By the end of Sunday I was in such a tizzy that I literally sat on my red couch and just stared at the ceiling. I couldn't make my head stop spinning. There were so many thoughts going through my head and stress of all the stuff I had to get done, that I couldn't even finish a thought before I would be worried about something else. I felt like my head was spinning in a million circles, I almost felt dizzy. I don't think I have ever felt that way before, but I think that is what people with schizophrenia feel like because I would go crazy too if my brain was like that all the time. Someone said PTSD, and I think they may be close.
I think I'm feeling better now. Its taken quite a bit of prayer and love to get over all this... but I think with God's help I'm on the right track to healing the places in my heart that feel wounded and confused right now.
Hopefully that healing will continue... all the way through my ridiculously long flight across the ocean and while I'm again traversing the familiar sights of home!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
i made a quilt today
i made a quilt today
i wanted to show you
i know how your eyes always light up
fireflies are no match for their excitement
and flowers are your favorite
guess what? its flowered
i saw a quilt today
remember that potholder that we made
it was only a nine patch
but the colors were brilliant
i think you helped pick them out
i loved them, but i think you loved them first
i noticed a lily today
it was gold like a drop of sunlight
its from your funeral
you would have liked them
they are bright and cheerful like your smile
i'm glad mom let me have them
i sat with a grandma today
it was at work, but i think it still counts
someday her grandchildren will miss her too
i made her smile and chuckle a little
i think you would like that
i wanted to show you
i know how your eyes always light up
fireflies are no match for their excitement
and flowers are your favorite
guess what? its flowered
i saw a quilt today
remember that potholder that we made
it was only a nine patch
but the colors were brilliant
i think you helped pick them out
i loved them, but i think you loved them first
i noticed a lily today
it was gold like a drop of sunlight
its from your funeral
you would have liked them
they are bright and cheerful like your smile
i'm glad mom let me have them
i sat with a grandma today
it was at work, but i think it still counts
someday her grandchildren will miss her too
i made her smile and chuckle a little
i think you would like that
Monday, August 2, 2010
If I Could Convince You of One Thing...
If I could convince you of one thing...
it would be that everything you are going through right now is worth it.
it would be that someday things will be seen with eyes that understand.
it would be that He is still there with you right now.
it would be to not be scared of trying new things.
it would be that death is NEVER the end.
it would be that there is hope.
it would be the blessedness of the trials you are facing.
it would be the detriment of lacking joy.
it would be the huge impact that you have on those around you.
it would be a sense of the beauty of nature.
it would be the absolute worthlessness of amassing stuff.
it would be the fun of camping, traveling, or living out of a suitcase with bare essentials.
it would be to never give up who you are for who they want you to be.
it would be to not be afraid of being different.
it would be that they'll come to like you if you first like yourself.
it would be the redeeming power of music.
it would be the depth of love that He has for you.
but first, I would have to thoroughly master this myself.
...or would I?
it would be that everything you are going through right now is worth it.
it would be that someday things will be seen with eyes that understand.
it would be that He is still there with you right now.
it would be to not be scared of trying new things.
it would be that death is NEVER the end.
it would be that there is hope.
it would be the blessedness of the trials you are facing.
it would be the detriment of lacking joy.
it would be the huge impact that you have on those around you.
it would be a sense of the beauty of nature.
it would be the absolute worthlessness of amassing stuff.
it would be the fun of camping, traveling, or living out of a suitcase with bare essentials.
it would be to never give up who you are for who they want you to be.
it would be to not be afraid of being different.
it would be that they'll come to like you if you first like yourself.
it would be the redeeming power of music.
it would be the depth of love that He has for you.
but first, I would have to thoroughly master this myself.
...or would I?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
If I Die Young -- the band perry
when someone passes away you naturally take stock of your own life.
my grandma passed away this last week after many beautiful years of gracious and happy living. she died in an auto accident at the corner that i pass every day on my way to and from my current house. it easily could have been me instead.
great incentive to live every day on purpose.
my best friend said this song sounded like me. i was slightly taken aback at first. i was like, "you do realize this song is about dying right?" but then the more i thought about it, this song does sound like me, and how i would like to live in every day.
when you are living every day with no regrets there is no sorrow in death. and with our Savior there is no fear in death.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Some of My Favorite Quotes of All Time
"God notices the most trivial act, accepts the most threadbare service, listens to the coldest, feeblest petition, and gathers up with parental fondness all our fragmentary desires and attempts at good works" -Stepping Heavenward
"The reason the average woman would rather have beauty than brains is she knows the average man can see better than he can think" -Dr. James Dobson
Me to Janelle(6 yrs) - "Uhm, be careful with that, cause you don't have enough money to replace it!"
Janelle to me - "Oh, it's okay, I have 2 dollars and 51 cents!"
"What time to they televise the game on the radio?" -- Jenny
"I bet you were a chubby baby." - one of my residents who usually doesn't talk at all, to me... out of the blue.
"Makin' Memories" -John Schwartz, anytime anything funky happened in Africa
"T.I.A." - Me and David to explain anything slightly out of the ordinary, (it doesn't really matter what country we are in presently.)
Discussing rats in Kampala City, Uganda...Megan -"They carry diseases!" Manny - "No our rats don't."
"Glucose Biscuits: mmm, just like Mom used to make them!" -random sign in Kampala City
Chana to me while ordering at Chipolte: "You only order black beans cause you just came back from Africa!"
"I have always, always, always wanted to do that with a guitar!" --me to Nicole discussing using a guitar as a weapon.
"Jenna's too sweet, she wouldn't hurt anyone" -Sarah to me, discussing Jenna's habit of keeping a large blade knife with her after someone attempted to break into our house.
Jenna from the other room -- "Yes i would! I'd KILL HIM!"
"I realize I'm tipping sacred cows here" -- John Zumwald
"This is not a charismatic attempt to take over your life!" -- John Zumwald on lifted hands during worship.
"What are you doing? There's no chicken HERE!!" -- me to Jenna on a long car trip
"We get done at 230 right?" -- me to one of my nursing student buddies
"Tea party? Yeah, we're having one." -- her reply, misunderstanding me, not skipping a beat, and not batting an eyelash.
"That must be frightening for you." --"therapeutic communication" from one of our lovely nursing tests, and much quoted by our entire class, cause who would actually talk like that??
"looks like you're going to the gym" and "everybody in this family is friends" --my amazing parents' most quoted lines.
"We ARE the committee." -- "In the shadows to the left..." -- "Comes in handy down here bub!" -- "Had your chance; muffed it!" -- "You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity. Farewell" -- "my apprentice has much to learn... much" -- fav quotes that are used frequently in my family...
"On the contrary my dear, I have the utmost regard for your nerves; they have been my constant companion these last 20 years" (me to Janalee quoting from) -Mr. Bennett (Pride and Prejudice)
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
"The will of God is always bigger than we bargain for" -Jim Elliot
"I know God won't give me anything that I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much" -Mother Theresa
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart"
Psalm 37:4
"Live your life in such a way that if there was no God, it would make no sense"
"We look upon God as our last and feeblest resource. We go to Him only when we have nowhere else to go. And then we find that the storms of life have driven us, not upon the rocks, but into the desired haven."
-George MacDonald
"God has made us for Himself, and our hearts are restless, until they find their rest in Him" -Augustine
"Only in a world where faith is difficult can faith exist. I don't have faith in 2+2=4 or the noonday sun. These are beyond question. But scripture describes a hidden God. You have to make the effort of faith to find Him"
-Dr. Peter Kreeft
"We are so culturally indoctrinated to be fast paced, high-energy, hands-on kinds of people that we tend to think of prayer as a passive, nearly "do-nothing" reaction. We tend to pray when we don't know what else to do. Beloved, nothing shakes the heavenlies more than prayer. Nothing moves the heart of God more than prayer. Furthermore, I'm not sure anything takes more energy at times than fervent prayer." -Beth Moore (Daniel Study)
"The question is asked. "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?
And the answer is given. "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love... Old love."
-Author Unknown
(random side note, but I want this quotation read at my wedding)
"The roads are rugged, the precipices are deep; there may be feelings of dizziness on the heights, gusts of wind, peals of thunder, fierce eagles, nights of awful gloom; fear them not! There are also the joys of sunlight, flowers such as are not on the plain, the purest of air, restful nooks, and the stars shine thence like the eyes of God." -The Spiritual Letters of Pere Didon
"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by the Holy Spirit's power. My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. The road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear. I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of adversity. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear." -A young African pastor martyred for his faith
"The reason the average woman would rather have beauty than brains is she knows the average man can see better than he can think" -Dr. James Dobson
Me to Janelle(6 yrs) - "Uhm, be careful with that, cause you don't have enough money to replace it!"
Janelle to me - "Oh, it's okay, I have 2 dollars and 51 cents!"
"What time to they televise the game on the radio?" -- Jenny
"I bet you were a chubby baby." - one of my residents who usually doesn't talk at all, to me... out of the blue.
"Makin' Memories" -John Schwartz, anytime anything funky happened in Africa
"T.I.A." - Me and David to explain anything slightly out of the ordinary, (it doesn't really matter what country we are in presently.)
Discussing rats in Kampala City, Uganda...Megan -"They carry diseases!" Manny - "No our rats don't."
"Glucose Biscuits: mmm, just like Mom used to make them!" -random sign in Kampala City
Chana to me while ordering at Chipolte: "You only order black beans cause you just came back from Africa!"
"I have always, always, always wanted to do that with a guitar!" --me to Nicole discussing using a guitar as a weapon.
"Jenna's too sweet, she wouldn't hurt anyone" -Sarah to me, discussing Jenna's habit of keeping a large blade knife with her after someone attempted to break into our house.
Jenna from the other room -- "Yes i would! I'd KILL HIM!"
"I realize I'm tipping sacred cows here" -- John Zumwald
"This is not a charismatic attempt to take over your life!" -- John Zumwald on lifted hands during worship.
"What are you doing? There's no chicken HERE!!" -- me to Jenna on a long car trip
"We get done at 230 right?" -- me to one of my nursing student buddies
"Tea party? Yeah, we're having one." -- her reply, misunderstanding me, not skipping a beat, and not batting an eyelash.
"That must be frightening for you." --"therapeutic communication" from one of our lovely nursing tests, and much quoted by our entire class, cause who would actually talk like that??
"looks like you're going to the gym" and "everybody in this family is friends" --my amazing parents' most quoted lines.
"We ARE the committee." -- "In the shadows to the left..." -- "Comes in handy down here bub!" -- "Had your chance; muffed it!" -- "You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity. Farewell" -- "my apprentice has much to learn... much" -- fav quotes that are used frequently in my family...
"On the contrary my dear, I have the utmost regard for your nerves; they have been my constant companion these last 20 years" (me to Janalee quoting from) -Mr. Bennett (Pride and Prejudice)
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
"The will of God is always bigger than we bargain for" -Jim Elliot
"I know God won't give me anything that I can't handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much" -Mother Theresa
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart"
Psalm 37:4
"Live your life in such a way that if there was no God, it would make no sense"
"We look upon God as our last and feeblest resource. We go to Him only when we have nowhere else to go. And then we find that the storms of life have driven us, not upon the rocks, but into the desired haven."
-George MacDonald
"God has made us for Himself, and our hearts are restless, until they find their rest in Him" -Augustine
"Only in a world where faith is difficult can faith exist. I don't have faith in 2+2=4 or the noonday sun. These are beyond question. But scripture describes a hidden God. You have to make the effort of faith to find Him"
-Dr. Peter Kreeft
"We are so culturally indoctrinated to be fast paced, high-energy, hands-on kinds of people that we tend to think of prayer as a passive, nearly "do-nothing" reaction. We tend to pray when we don't know what else to do. Beloved, nothing shakes the heavenlies more than prayer. Nothing moves the heart of God more than prayer. Furthermore, I'm not sure anything takes more energy at times than fervent prayer." -Beth Moore (Daniel Study)
"The question is asked. "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?
And the answer is given. "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love... Old love."
-Author Unknown
(random side note, but I want this quotation read at my wedding)
"The roads are rugged, the precipices are deep; there may be feelings of dizziness on the heights, gusts of wind, peals of thunder, fierce eagles, nights of awful gloom; fear them not! There are also the joys of sunlight, flowers such as are not on the plain, the purest of air, restful nooks, and the stars shine thence like the eyes of God." -The Spiritual Letters of Pere Didon
"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by the Holy Spirit's power. My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. The road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear. I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of adversity. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear." -A young African pastor martyred for his faith
Girly?
So I'm planning a bridal shower and trying to come up with games. Let me first of all tell you that I absolutely HATE shower games! They are the most ridiculous mix of awkward and cutesy... its just sickening. That much being said... I found a couple that seem more random instead of awkward and more clever than cutesy... hopefully I am not a disappointment to the whole world of women out there. (then again... like I really care!!)
But interestingly enough, my family and I were in the kitchen at my parents house the other day (where all good discussions happen. No really, they do. Brain food in easy access, lounging against, or on counters or chairs, or doing dishes. The philosophy just flows). Anywho...
My dad made the interesting observation that when ladies get together in formal groups they play games. Strangely it seems that guys don't do this. With the exclusion of a sport game, it seems that they are hardcore and just plunge into whatever it is that they are supposed to be doing. I, of course, did not know that was what they did, having never been invited to a men's retreat (I can't imagine why! sexist little people!).
What it is it about ladies that makes us feel that we must have some sort of social ice-breaker type thing before we get down to business? Are we ladies really that guarded that we have to break down and feel comfortable by being silly before we can be real?
Anyway, I thought it was a strangely interesting and slightly bemusing factoid.
Guess I had better go get busy planning my stupid (newly discovered "girly") bridal shower games. *sigh*
But interestingly enough, my family and I were in the kitchen at my parents house the other day (where all good discussions happen. No really, they do. Brain food in easy access, lounging against, or on counters or chairs, or doing dishes. The philosophy just flows). Anywho...
My dad made the interesting observation that when ladies get together in formal groups they play games. Strangely it seems that guys don't do this. With the exclusion of a sport game, it seems that they are hardcore and just plunge into whatever it is that they are supposed to be doing. I, of course, did not know that was what they did, having never been invited to a men's retreat (I can't imagine why! sexist little people!).
What it is it about ladies that makes us feel that we must have some sort of social ice-breaker type thing before we get down to business? Are we ladies really that guarded that we have to break down and feel comfortable by being silly before we can be real?
Anyway, I thought it was a strangely interesting and slightly bemusing factoid.
Guess I had better go get busy planning my stupid (newly discovered "girly") bridal shower games. *sigh*
Thursday, July 8, 2010
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