Knowing

I had noticed it disappearing little by little...
I think it has to do with our constant, fast pace
My slow deliberate steps no longer matched the cadence
One trip can do that to you
Mess up your entire outlook on life
Just like that
No warning
No chance to alter course
I wish I could say one day
But that wouldn't be true
It took me days to come to that place
Now, I felt it slipping between my fingers
Sifting as if sand through the crevices of my digits
Bits of the joy
Something of the peace
But more of the confidence
I think it came from knowing who and what I was
There I was a "mzungu"
A student
A nurse
A missionary
A companion
A compatriot
Now, that is complicated
I am a majority
A student, who would rather not be in a classroom
A nurse, who wants to throw her life away
A missionary, longing for her field
A companion who's moody
A compatriot of mixed dedication
I miss the confidence
So I went searching for it
Too many long nights, fruitless days, trivial pursuits, lackluster relationships
Suddenly it all makes sense
It had never left
I was the one running
And not from the confidence
But from the One in whom I find my confidence
Stupidly, blindly running from His open hand
Outstretched, supine palm
Holding exactly what I wanted
Needed
Now, I am back
Kneeling, contrite
And wonder of wonders
I am restored with a full embrace