I was also just thinking about how we need to represent... and I think that I should post my story on here. Just a shout out to my Lord for what He has done in my life and why He is my everything!
Okay, so not sure how I will really narrow down exactly what my testimony is... To start out with I have these amazing parents. They really love the Lord and seek to follow Him with their whole hearts. It's really something else to grow up under that kind of care and love that is flowing from the Master, through them and over onto your life! Gives me a lot of respect for Godly parenting and how hard it is. We really are watching, even when we pretend to be completely ignoring you.
So my parents were incredible and taught me about God from the time that I was very small. The thing is... God doesn't have grandkids. My parent's faith was/is not enough to put me in connection with God. I could learn everything that they had to teach me, but really if I didn't have my own relationship with God, it was of absolutely no use.
And I think, deep down I knew that... They taught me a lot about God, but you can't learn to love Him by simply learning about Him. And though by all outward signs I was the perfect Christian kid, I was suffering inside. I was the kid that you would love to have in your Sunday School class because I knew all the right answers. I was the favorite pick for Bible trivia, and a major asset to any sort of youth group activity. But again, on the inside I was being torn apart. The really sad thing, is that I knew what I had to do to change. I had been to church, I knew what my parents had taught me, I had even undergone the training to tell others about how to change... I knew exactly what it required, and from the midst of my misery I looked at the Savior's outstretched arm, and said, "No thanks, I think I got this one."
You may think, "Well, stupid, you have fun with that!" or you may be in my same boat and think, "Gosh, well, what do I need God for anyway? You chose right!" Don't even begin to think that! Remember the part where I was miserable? Yeah, that doesn't go away on its own! I could chase it to the back of my mind for periods of time, but it never goes away. Probably if I had been in faster circles this is where the drugs and alcohol would have come in... but as it was, I just stuck to being a jerk to everyone that I knew, and wallowing in my self pity.
At different points in time I would come back to God and basically say, "Yeah, this kinda sucks; You want to change my life? Go right ahead!" but it was lip service. I really wanted Him to have nothing to do with changing my life. I still thought that I could probably get it together on my own without any of His help.
I talked to a friend the other day about the depths of depression and realized for the first time that I could actually verbalize that I was at times suicidal. I would pour myself into friends' lives only to have them turn around and leave me, or betray me, which only fueled the downward spiral. Looking back those were the darkest days, and I withdrew back into myself where even my family, who had been so close to me couldn't really understand. But I am by nature an actress, and to this day very few people really understand the depths of loneliness and depression that I went through during that time. Around people, especially my family, I was pleasant, even if not happy.
So when did this change? Good question... I would have to say that it was close to my senior year in high school that I began to change. I say began because it was only the beginning of what would come to a climax years later. My senior year though, I kind of came back to God and was like, "Okay, I give. If You really want, I'll let You start to change me." I think for the first time I realized that I couldn't do it on my own. But surrender is still a huge challenge for me, and I wasn't willing to relinquish control of my life quite yet.
So a lot of struggle through working and college studies later... I lost all my closest, best friends; both of my Grandpas passed away; I moved out on my own away from my family; I lost myself away from my home church; and I basically proceeded to drift. Unfortunately, this time there were other friends to pick me up and carry me along with them. I turned 21 and it was on to the night scene. My conscience wouldn't let me go all the way, but I definitely embraced the whole essence. I don't know exactly how long that period lasted, I just know that sometimes God brings change into our lives for a reason...
I needed a change, and God was only too happy to oblige.
Really He had already been bringing about change, I had just been viewing it as curses and suffering! My change came with a diploma.
Suddenly I had to make some decisions and choices, and I was not really prepared to! Needless to say, God kept changing up everything in my life until I was back to being on track with Him. For the first time in my life seeking God was actually interesting, almost fun (*gasp*). I can't say that it has been a walk in the park since then.
I think that the more that we try and walk in God's ways, the harder it gets. (Ask me sometime about spiritual warfare!) It hasn't been easy. God never promised that it would be... in fact I am pretty darn sure He promises the exact opposite! But the joy! Ah, it's incomparable!
I've slipped a lot! He's asked for some hard things... (relationships breaking, forming; pulling me from my comfort zone; going to Africa!) but I wouldn't go back to that sad, scared, deeply depressed girl that I used to be for anything in the world!
Every day with my God is an adventure, and I don't want to miss out on a thing!
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