I guess I haven't written on here for a while. I've been pretty busy with school, and the majority of things going on in my life are a little too personal to put on a blog if you know what I mean.
Basically God is doing some really awesome remodeling of my life.
For starters, He's really been working on my pride and independence. I think I asked Him to actually, but He's been really faithful at confronting me about it at every turn. Especially in the fact that my car has broken down. I'm sure that I have mentioned before how much of a love/hate relationship that I have with that car. He was the first and only car that I have owned, and I have kind of a "first love" type mentality for it. Anyway, he let me down like any typical guy, and left me hanging with two months of school left, so I've been having to bum rides off of everyone. Which as much as I really LOVE doing that... I'll be glad if my friend and his dad can get my car up and running again. They are working on it now, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
The other thing that He really keeps having me confront is whether or not I believe that He really does answer my prayers. This may seem rudimentary to you, and I believe it probably is to the Christian walk, but don't you ever have those times when you wonder, really wonder why you are praying? Perhaps those times where you pray about it as an ingrained reflex and not the real seeking of God that it should be? Or you pray without waiting in expectation for God to move, or without the longevity to wait on His answer? That is pretty much me more times than not. I think that growing up the way I did, and learning early go to Him has really put me into a permanent bent of laying things at His feet, and then turning around and leaving.
What happened to the earnestness? The pleading with God? That kind of prayer that shakes the gates of Hell? Anyone?
I thought not. I don't think that kind of prayer is taught in our churches. I see that kind of worship, sometimes that kind of preaching, that kind of passion for service, but where is the prayer? Does anyone know of churches that still do mid-week prayer? I didn't think so. And don't you just think of that as Mrs. Jenkins, Widow Saunders, and the pastor camped out in the ugly paneled basement of the church. Sitting there on folding chairs, with the sunday school feltboard Jesus' pictures on the wall behind them, and praying very softly? (maybe I'm just weird and always pictured it that way)
Crying out to God has been the cry of my heart of late. I went to Ichthus last week. I didn't realize how much I missed it. (doesn't change the fact that I still felt out of place, but I did miss it). My sister came up to me afterwards as I was sitting there praying and gave me a list of verses and told me to look them up. I looked up the first one and couldn't read the second through the tears building in my eyes and trickling down my cheeks. Reading it today, its faded, but it still carries some of the power.
Psalm 107: 8-9 "Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
i feel your pain...
i feel your pain
and it kills me a little inside
i feel the hurt from love lost
how he turned away from you
ran after another
as if you were cheap
and easy to obtain
not the priceless jewel you are
i feel your pain
that hurt of nothing going right
your body adding aches
to an already burdened heart
wondering how you'll make ends meet
live forward to another day
find something, anything to keep you
afloat on torrid seas
i feel your pain
that depression that doesn't lift
cause try as you might
you can never do it all
there's always something more
and at the end of the day
blessed sleep won't come
for your tired heart
i feel your pain
that ache of loneliness
nothing can fill
because you are alone, so alone
busyness is a weak cover
and sometimes you just need someone
anyone
i feel your pain
another tear over another grave
all you want is no more death
those dearest to you nearest to you
but life has a strange way
of leaving its participants shortchanged
by the ceasing of others participation
and the pang runs deep
i feel your pain
that constant strain
grating at your nerves and driving you
and the harder you try
smoothing edges becomes
sharpening daggers
til those who should love you best
cut you worst
i feel your pain
who feels mine?
i feel Your pain
left alone to face this fate
You don't deserve
abandoned by those You hold dear
exposed, insulted, heartbroken
now acutely aware
i don't feel Your pain
i am Your pain
i feel your pain
because He felt mine
and it kills me a little inside
i feel the hurt from love lost
how he turned away from you
ran after another
as if you were cheap
and easy to obtain
not the priceless jewel you are
i feel your pain
that hurt of nothing going right
your body adding aches
to an already burdened heart
wondering how you'll make ends meet
live forward to another day
find something, anything to keep you
afloat on torrid seas
i feel your pain
that depression that doesn't lift
cause try as you might
you can never do it all
there's always something more
and at the end of the day
blessed sleep won't come
for your tired heart
i feel your pain
that ache of loneliness
nothing can fill
because you are alone, so alone
busyness is a weak cover
and sometimes you just need someone
anyone
i feel your pain
another tear over another grave
all you want is no more death
those dearest to you nearest to you
but life has a strange way
of leaving its participants shortchanged
by the ceasing of others participation
and the pang runs deep
i feel your pain
that constant strain
grating at your nerves and driving you
and the harder you try
smoothing edges becomes
sharpening daggers
til those who should love you best
cut you worst
i feel your pain
who feels mine?
i feel Your pain
left alone to face this fate
You don't deserve
abandoned by those You hold dear
exposed, insulted, heartbroken
now acutely aware
i don't feel Your pain
i am Your pain
i feel your pain
because He felt mine
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Book Corner
This last weekend I did a very risky thing...
... I went into a used book shop!
I know, I know what you are thinking. "Oh, Jo, you should know better!"
I have no excuses. I honestly didn't think before I took that step of action. Thankfully, I left only $25 lighter in the wallet.
My conquests for the day:
A Gown of Spanish Lace (a favorite of mine for some time, actually introduced to me by my mum)
This Present Darkness (another favorite of mine, introduced to me by my daddy)
(fyi: my parents are pretty stellar people and have good taste in books!)
Jesus Freaks (volumes 1 and 2) (no, I'm not actually a huge DCTalk fan, but I do like some of their stuff, and Voice of the Martyrs is pretty rocking awesome, so I figure you can't go wrong, plus the title intrigues me.)
The Four Loves (because C.S. Lewis is my hero, and I love to read his books even when I don't understand all of them, or agree completely.)
(also, I should add that had they had any John Eldridge books, my wallet would have been even thinner than presently, as he's the one contemporary author of teaching books that I read and love.)
Anyway, if you can't find me for some reason anytime in the next couple of weeks... its most likely because I am curled up under a quilt somewhere with a large mug of hot apple cider (otherwise entitled "The Recipe", and don't ask why) and reading my little heart away!
... I went into a used book shop!
I know, I know what you are thinking. "Oh, Jo, you should know better!"
I have no excuses. I honestly didn't think before I took that step of action. Thankfully, I left only $25 lighter in the wallet.
My conquests for the day:
A Gown of Spanish Lace (a favorite of mine for some time, actually introduced to me by my mum)
This Present Darkness (another favorite of mine, introduced to me by my daddy)
(fyi: my parents are pretty stellar people and have good taste in books!)
Jesus Freaks (volumes 1 and 2) (no, I'm not actually a huge DCTalk fan, but I do like some of their stuff, and Voice of the Martyrs is pretty rocking awesome, so I figure you can't go wrong, plus the title intrigues me.)
The Four Loves (because C.S. Lewis is my hero, and I love to read his books even when I don't understand all of them, or agree completely.)
(also, I should add that had they had any John Eldridge books, my wallet would have been even thinner than presently, as he's the one contemporary author of teaching books that I read and love.)
Anyway, if you can't find me for some reason anytime in the next couple of weeks... its most likely because I am curled up under a quilt somewhere with a large mug of hot apple cider (otherwise entitled "The Recipe", and don't ask why) and reading my little heart away!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Someone please explain the mysteries of the universe to me!!
How come my dog will lay on my bed perfectly still when I am sitting at the computer but the moment I go to bed, she becomes all kinds of jumpy. "I want on the bed. No I don't. What was that outside? Can I go play with Sage? How come I don't have a pillow? You weren't really trying to sleep were you?"
How come every time I get really content with my life, something has to come along and stir the waters? And no, its not the bad kind of contentment. I actually need this kind to keep myself fairly sane!
How can two people on opposite sides of the world think so much alike?
Do you think we can be born somewhere that isn't our culture? (It sounds like an easy answer, but think about it for a while... its actually a trick question.)
Why am I so competitive? (This comes after proving to Jenna that I could in fact polish off the rest of the roast that I made for supper... and a banana... and a full glass of OJ.)
How come some songs can bring you to tears almost instantly? And others you can sing for years on end almost subconsciously and then one day you wake up and realize the song was about you...
Why does it take things like car accidents, weddings, funerals, and babies to bring people together? Why can't we love each other all the time?
Someone want to explain these and other mysteries of the universe to me?
And He's already told me He'd love to spend a lifetime teaching me all there is to know about them. <3
How come every time I get really content with my life, something has to come along and stir the waters? And no, its not the bad kind of contentment. I actually need this kind to keep myself fairly sane!
How can two people on opposite sides of the world think so much alike?
Do you think we can be born somewhere that isn't our culture? (It sounds like an easy answer, but think about it for a while... its actually a trick question.)
Why am I so competitive? (This comes after proving to Jenna that I could in fact polish off the rest of the roast that I made for supper... and a banana... and a full glass of OJ.)
How come some songs can bring you to tears almost instantly? And others you can sing for years on end almost subconsciously and then one day you wake up and realize the song was about you...
Why does it take things like car accidents, weddings, funerals, and babies to bring people together? Why can't we love each other all the time?
Someone want to explain these and other mysteries of the universe to me?
And He's already told me He'd love to spend a lifetime teaching me all there is to know about them. <3
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Day #4 of De-Tox
Let me just go on record and say that my life without caffeine is not bad... except for that part where I've had migraine headaches every day!! ohmyword!
Lets just say that I wasn't really planning on that repercussion from this rehab therapy.
Lets just say that I wasn't really planning on that repercussion from this rehab therapy.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Day #1 of De-Tox
I've been put on mandatory de-tox for my addiction to.... Mountain Dew.
Actually it was Jenna's idea. I must have been complaining about my ulcers or something, and said that I drink too much Mountain Dew. She readily agreed with me and committed me to her rehab program. *sigh* Yesterday was the last day that I could have Mountain Dew, which ironically I think I didn't actually have but 3 cans. (And that was mostly because I was at work, and I always end up drinking a lot when I am at work).
Funny thing though, I might be sleeping a lot more. See last time that I was off of Mountain Dew for a week I slept like crazy all the time! Mountain Dew doesn't actually make me not go to sleep when I'm tired, but it takes the insane sleeping edge off apparently. I won't even tell you about the month and a half that I was off of it one summer... talk about oversleeping!
This has been day one. I did stay awake all the way through class though I was getting spacey by the end of class today. We'll see how this keeps up...
Actually it was Jenna's idea. I must have been complaining about my ulcers or something, and said that I drink too much Mountain Dew. She readily agreed with me and committed me to her rehab program. *sigh* Yesterday was the last day that I could have Mountain Dew, which ironically I think I didn't actually have but 3 cans. (And that was mostly because I was at work, and I always end up drinking a lot when I am at work).
Funny thing though, I might be sleeping a lot more. See last time that I was off of Mountain Dew for a week I slept like crazy all the time! Mountain Dew doesn't actually make me not go to sleep when I'm tired, but it takes the insane sleeping edge off apparently. I won't even tell you about the month and a half that I was off of it one summer... talk about oversleeping!
This has been day one. I did stay awake all the way through class though I was getting spacey by the end of class today. We'll see how this keeps up...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sunday Morning
So its Sunday morning about 9:49am and I am sitting at my computer listening to "Wild Horses" playing, and hearing the crickets outside my window and my puppy complaining about being locked in her kennel. So random good things are going well in my life. Actually lots of things are NOT going well at all, which is why I am marveling at the fact that I am still in such an upbeat mood.
I finished my first round of clinicals this week, which went well. This was the rotation that I was most concerned about because I had to work the ER and ICU. I don't know about you, but I always thought of those areas as like the high intensity areas. Those areas where every three minutes you have someone running with a crash cart and paddles... Yeah, guess again. I didn't have a single code. Oh, well, I got to be majorly surprised at how well I was able to do in all those areas. I think I know more than I give myself credit for. Speaking of credit: I had a test on Monday. 10 questions. All essay. I walked out of there ready to cry because I was pretty sure that I only got about 50% on that test. Scores came back... 97%. What in the world? Apparently I am getting an A+ in B.S. class... because there was hardly anything on that test that I didn't pull out of thin air, put a spin on, and write down as if I knew exactly what I was talking about. Wonders never cease, and God is amazingly merciful. Oh, by the way... I haven't failed a test yet this semester. Believe it or not, that was actually my goal for this semester. I know, I know... lame. But true none the less.
I decided to look for a new church this semester because of some things that I had talked with a friend about this summer and really got me to thinking. Anyway... I found two. I'm not yet sure what to make of that. I really like them both. One is definitely a better fit for unsocial me, but the other might be a better fit on account of that I might actually have to do some getting out of my comfort zone. We'll see which I end up going with, or I may end up just jumping back and forth like I have been doing.
Is it bad that I've pretty much quit Ichthus? I just feel so disconnected from it. I feel like that God is really moving in their midst, which is really exciting, but I just feel like I don't have a connection to that. Maybe its just that part of me that decided to grow up and not be the "college student" anymore.
Oh, did I tell you about that? Yeah, I kinda decided to grow up a couple weeks back. That means getting my stuff together, and quit putting off stuff because I'm young or in school, or whatever other excuses I've been using. I also like to live slightly irresponsibly at times for that same reason... ha! Stopping now. Anyway that is what I decided. So you all are welcome to call me on stuff if you still see it in my life.
Lets see... in other news, my brother is getting married. Yeah, to this really amazing gal that I've wanted as a sister for a really long time! Needless to say I am pretty stoked for them! Oh, and I'm definitely adopting her mom as a faux mom-in-law, cause she's pretty stellar and fun! Anyway, we got our dresses in the other day for the wedding... uhm, yeah, bridal shop people are dumb... no better way to say that. How can I send you my exact measurements and you still order me a dress that is 6 sizes too big!?! What's up with that? Lets just say they are altering it.
Kala is getting really big. Like really big! I've had to let out her collar 2 notches since I got back from Africa. And of course she eats like a horse! By the way, I just realized the other day that her name kinda sounds like the abbreviation for Kampala.... K'la... weird. I didn't really plan that one. But I did look up online and as long as all her shots are current I can take her with me to Uganda... how cool is that!!
Anyway enough random stuff out my life for now, eh?
I finished my first round of clinicals this week, which went well. This was the rotation that I was most concerned about because I had to work the ER and ICU. I don't know about you, but I always thought of those areas as like the high intensity areas. Those areas where every three minutes you have someone running with a crash cart and paddles... Yeah, guess again. I didn't have a single code. Oh, well, I got to be majorly surprised at how well I was able to do in all those areas. I think I know more than I give myself credit for. Speaking of credit: I had a test on Monday. 10 questions. All essay. I walked out of there ready to cry because I was pretty sure that I only got about 50% on that test. Scores came back... 97%. What in the world? Apparently I am getting an A+ in B.S. class... because there was hardly anything on that test that I didn't pull out of thin air, put a spin on, and write down as if I knew exactly what I was talking about. Wonders never cease, and God is amazingly merciful. Oh, by the way... I haven't failed a test yet this semester. Believe it or not, that was actually my goal for this semester. I know, I know... lame. But true none the less.
I decided to look for a new church this semester because of some things that I had talked with a friend about this summer and really got me to thinking. Anyway... I found two. I'm not yet sure what to make of that. I really like them both. One is definitely a better fit for unsocial me, but the other might be a better fit on account of that I might actually have to do some getting out of my comfort zone. We'll see which I end up going with, or I may end up just jumping back and forth like I have been doing.
Is it bad that I've pretty much quit Ichthus? I just feel so disconnected from it. I feel like that God is really moving in their midst, which is really exciting, but I just feel like I don't have a connection to that. Maybe its just that part of me that decided to grow up and not be the "college student" anymore.
Oh, did I tell you about that? Yeah, I kinda decided to grow up a couple weeks back. That means getting my stuff together, and quit putting off stuff because I'm young or in school, or whatever other excuses I've been using. I also like to live slightly irresponsibly at times for that same reason... ha! Stopping now. Anyway that is what I decided. So you all are welcome to call me on stuff if you still see it in my life.
Lets see... in other news, my brother is getting married. Yeah, to this really amazing gal that I've wanted as a sister for a really long time! Needless to say I am pretty stoked for them! Oh, and I'm definitely adopting her mom as a faux mom-in-law, cause she's pretty stellar and fun! Anyway, we got our dresses in the other day for the wedding... uhm, yeah, bridal shop people are dumb... no better way to say that. How can I send you my exact measurements and you still order me a dress that is 6 sizes too big!?! What's up with that? Lets just say they are altering it.
Kala is getting really big. Like really big! I've had to let out her collar 2 notches since I got back from Africa. And of course she eats like a horse! By the way, I just realized the other day that her name kinda sounds like the abbreviation for Kampala.... K'la... weird. I didn't really plan that one. But I did look up online and as long as all her shots are current I can take her with me to Uganda... how cool is that!!
Anyway enough random stuff out my life for now, eh?
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