2009

A list of my dreams, aspirations, and expectations for 2009:

1. I fully expect this year to be one of the toughest years of my existence, with school, work, bills, summer plans, stress... etc.
2. I dream that this will be a year of defining... defining of character, defining of my life, mission, work...
3. I aspire for this to be the MOST growing year in the Lord that I have experienced thus far.
4. I expect to get challenged; to be brought to tears; to build relationships stronger with friends that are already close, learn to love new friends, and yes, even fall apart from a few old friends.
5. I dream of dancing under my brilliant African stars, running in the rain on the dirt roads, falling in love again with everything that I have come to know as Africa.
6. I aspire to fall in love with my Savior all over again.

This isn't all, but it's enough for starters... and really, its all I need for now.

Explaining Death

So last night I was walking through the living room at my parents house, and due to an increase in family staying there for the holidays, my little 7 year old sister was sleeping on the couch. Well, I say sleeping, but in actuality, she was laying on the couch looking down at the floor with this doleful face that looked like a sky about to drop rain.
I naturally stooped down to talk to her, asking her what was wrong. I expected an answer about her having to go too bed early, or not getting to watch the PG-13 movie that was playing downstairs, or something of the sort. Instead, when she actually answered me this was what she said:
Tweeky: "Whenever I think of Mommy, I think she's dieing."
Me: "There's nothing wrong with Mom! She's not dieing!" (I don't know who taught me about dealing with kids... but I'm pretty sure none of them would have said to shut down the little kid first thing and tell them their logic is off!)
Tweeky: *starts crying for real, and buries her head in her pillow*
Me: *realizes my first mistake, and attempts to console her* "You know you don't have anything to be afraid of right?"
Tweeky: *looks at me incredulously with tears still streaming down her round cheeks*
Me: "Death isn't something to be afraid of. Death is just the end of one story. Its just when we stop being here on earth and start being with Jesus. And that is a happy thing! You know that right?" (I know she does because of the extensive conversations that I had with her when my Grandpa died.)
Tweeky: *bravely nods, before bursting into fresh tears*
Me: *begins praying (actually realized that I needed some extra help and grace to explain death to a 7 year old!! not sure why I didn't arrive at that conclusion earlier...) *starts to get a sense of the spiritual world going on around my little sister. Fear is lurking.* (but this is a 7 year old... how do you command demons to quit bothering a 7 year old? hmmm... here's an idea...)
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus loves you?"
Tweeky: *nods*
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus wants exactly what is good for you?"
Tweeky: *nods*
Me: "Do you believe that Jesus, because He loves you sooo much, and wants exactly what is perfect for you... do you believe that He knows the exact amount of days that you and Mom will have together?"
Tweeky: *sniffs, thinks for a bit, nods*
Me: "Theres a verse that says perfect love casts out fear. Jesus' Love is perfect; its the only love that is perfect. Janelle, if Jesus' Love is perfect, and you believe that Jesus loves you, and that He loves you perfectly, then you don't have anything to be afraid of! The fear is cast out by Jesus' perfect love!"
Tweeky: *sniffs again*
Me: "Can you pray and ask Jesus to help you not be afraid? Can you tell Him that you believe that His love is perfect, and that you know He loves you?"
Tweeky: *sniffs, nods, closes her eyes, sniffles come less frequently until they stop altogether*
Me: *continue praying against fear until I see her little forehead unwrinkle with peace*
Tweeky drifts off to sleep.

End of story? Yes and no. First of all, the main reason that I posted this on here was that I felt like it would help in my own healing, the way that I felt peace last night. Sitting on the floor in my living room explaining to my little sister, that death was not the end, was not scary, was only a doorway... and the closure and peace that I felt explaining God's love. No matter what the circumstances, His PERFECT love! Even when we don't understand it.
But I also want you all to know that the devil is real, and he doesn't have a single problem with attacking a 7 year old with fears and doubts! He's ruthless, and I hope your blood boils at the thought of him messing with one of His dear ones!! Mine sure does!
Are we being ready? Are we being vigilant? The battle is out there guys! And its freakin' messy! We're not against someone that's gonna play nice! Are we ready for the challenge??

New Things and Cheddar Chowder

New beginnings, new hopes, new dreams... new apartment. Yes, I realize how silly it is to devote an entire blog post to the fact that I am once again going to be in my own room and living on my own schedule... Not that this last semester has been terribly trying, (okay, well maybe it has), but simply that I am reveling in my soon to be regained freedom!!
In my head, I think I know that my freedom will come with lots of responsibility, but right now my mind is whirring with all the excitement of freedom and not really thinking about all of that. I remember, but its one of those things that you block out mentally, and don't really factor into your situation when you consider it.
And then there's all the things that I will miss...
Like coming home last night at 10:30 to find a lovely pot of cheddar ham chowder in the fridge just waiting for my hungry stomach. Yeah, and I would just like to go on record and say that my mom makes the absolute BEST chowder EVER! And it is best fresh, but I sure wasn't decrying that fact last night as I slurped down a steaming hot bowl accompanied by a few saltines and some surf time. Yeah, absolutely nothing wrong with that life!
I'm actually really thankful for my living situation this whole last semester. I mean, I don't know what I would have done if my family hadn't been there to kinda kick me in the rear when I was being mopey about being in the States, or keep me from going off the deep end with stress from work. They are great, don't get me wrong. Its just time to move on...
I think I have known that for a while now, but never really wanted to do anything about it. See, I am one of those incredibly lazy people that sees opportunities for growth and maturity... and wants it, but then looks at how much work its gonna take, and is like... uhm, no thanks, maybe some other time.
So when I asked God about this, I hoped He would say yes, expected Him to say no, figured it would be best if He said wait, and dreaded that He would give me the "all systems go". And then He decided to speak...
The reason that I dreaded the yes was clear: I didn't want to put in the effort to grow closer to Him. Not that I don't want the growth, just that I am lazy and don't want to have to go throught the suffering to get there! No getting outside my comfort zone. I didn't want to have to work hard, or be strapped for funds. I still don't. But He said "yes". And more than all my wants and dreams, I need to be walking in His way... and since He has so clearly mapped it for me...
So I am going to miss the chowder, but am looking forward to the new things!

Reconciliation

I am pretty sure that I mentioned in a former post about how the relationships in my life have been quite strained as of late.
Enter Christmas... and you officially have me with an intense feeling of stress and almost dread. I didn't want a season of giving or where everyone would be happy! I honestly just wanted to wallow in my own resentment, bitterness, and self-pity.
Enter Jesus Christ... See when Christ originally came to the world, it sure as heck wasn't a world that was perfect! There was a reason they were looking for a Messiah, may I remind you! Here's the deal, we live in a very imperfect world, with VERY imperfect people... (And before you think that was directed at someone, I would just like to say that that finger was pointing straight at me! You have no idea how much I fail at life in general, not to mention the life that I should be walking in, in Christ!)
So, would Someone who had come to "save" us, really be content with my wallowing?? Resounding "NO".
He is never content to let His children wallow. Especially in mires of their own making (and I could argue that all mires are of our own making...) But the truth remains, God didn't like my attitude... and more than that, He didn't like my apathy in my attitude.
I think that emotions are a dangerous thing... not that God necessarily thinks that, its just me... I think that between me and God, resentment and bitterness are easily dealt with. It's this stupid self-pity that gets me every time... Cause with it, it brings a sense of apathy that says, "You poor child, none of this is your fault, hence there is no way for you to make it right. You poor, accursed child. Why do they torture you so?" Got to be one of the biggest lines of B.S. (pardon the French) that the devil likes to feed me!!
Something that God has been working on teaching me all last semester (well, and back into the summer) is the authority that I have in Christ. In Christ, I am not confined to low living, getting by, skating under the surface, making no ripples... etc...
No, He has called me to victorious living! I think that the authority that He gives me is exactly opposite to the apathy that I like to wallow in! Reminds me of what one of my dear brothers in Christ reminded me of this summer... That in Christ, I have absolutely no need of timidity or fear! It simply shouldn't exist in my vocabulary!
This authority in Christ is also my freedom in Christ. If I don't truly understand the authority of Christ in my life, in situations, over others lives, or even over the spiritual world around me, there is absolutely no way that I can really experience Christ's freedom.
So... this Christmas, I made the choice to live in Christ's authority instead of wallowing in my own apathy and self-pity. First of all, the freedom that it brought was... well... incomprehensible. I still don't understand the peace and love for people that flooded my soul. Second, the authority that I had in Christ, left me with the freedom to reach out in love, with no idea or expectation as to the consequences or outcomes. And amazingly enough, God also chose to reconcile every single one of the relationships that I had been so worried about. In ways that I couldn't even imagine, or hope for. Isn't my God good??

Dear Grandpa,

Well, its almost Christmas again. I really can’t believe that you have been gone this long. It seems such a short time ago that I remember hearing your gentle voice rise and fall with the words of the Christmas story. Every Christmas you would read it before we could even think about opening any gifts. And you delighted to read the story out of different gospels, quiz us on our Bible facts, and make sure that we were not missing the reason behind our celebration. The funny thing is that Dad was a much better reader, but you always did it. And we had to listen attentively. Not that you would have taken away our gifts if we didn’t, but you had that way of giving us the eye that said “now is not the time for horsing around, and you know it!” We always stopped… immediately!
I remember the smell of the fresh cedar tree in the big old farmhouse. The joy of stringing up lots of tinsel (we were never allowed to use that stuff at our house!) and seeing the bubble lights finally heat up enough to boil up and down. I even remember sneaking downstairs (and that surely wasn’t easy to do on that creaky old staircase) to sit and watch them bubble and glow in the dark, as the tinsel would sway in the draft from the window. I remember the days when Mom always gave you those ugly yellow work gloves. You know, the ones with the bright red cuffs. They always seemed like the biggest contradiction to your demeanor. All of your conservative colors, and then those bright yellow gloves! I suppose you didn’t mind though, seeing as she always stuffed them with fun candy or English walnuts.
But farther back in my memory, I remember those same ugly gloves, each grasping a huge grain bucket full of feed, with those big work boots never slowing. How you would let me shovel the feed into the buckets, even though it took me twice as long. How you let me carry half a bucket, even though it meant you would have to make more trips. You would effortlessly toss those feed buckets up and over into the cattle trough. For the first time in my life, I thought that I had met someone who was stronger than my dad. But strength goes both ways. Getting a spanking from you was awful. Not only did those hands of steel from years of hard farm work, construction, and milking cows land hard, but somehow, with your calm personality I was almost ashamed. I knew I really must have done something bad if you gave me a spanking. I think I cried from the pain of disappointing you more than the fact that it hurt, (and it did hurt!).
I am almost glad I didn’t get to go for Thanksgiving this year. Tromping through the timber looking for a scraggly cedar tree just isn’t the same without you. I think that’s when I miss you the most, or when I am walking through that musty old barn. Somehow the smell of that place seems intimately connected with you. It smells like hard work, old lumber, hay dust, and tractor grease… mmm, and I love that smell! Just like I like the smell of your truck, yeah, I still smile when I climb up into and charge down the road in it! I feel like a real country girl, that one that I always wanted to be when I looked at you, that country girl that could truly deserve to be your granddaughter. Though I don’t think it is something that I had to earn. You loved me just the way that I was, and you never asked me to be more than I was. Sometimes you made me think for myself by asking a really tough question, but you never looked down on me for not knowing the answer. And you loved me.
Grandma is spending Christmas with us this year. I know you would be worried about her being alone. I'll try and take care of her, like I know you always did. I'm going to miss you, but I know you are infinitely more happy where you are now. And in the presence of your Saviour, I'll bet you don't miss all of us one bit! That's okay, I don't mind. I'll see you soon! Still love you!
Hugs and Kisses, Your Granddaughter, ~Jo

Mr. Lunt

One of the joys of my current living situation is that I get to wake up to things like: Mr. Lunt singing "What Child is This".
Yeah, I know you are jealous!

Did I mention that I am moving in with Jenna next semester?

Best Parts of Today

1. Sloshing through 4-5 inches of sludge in the Wally World parking lot.
2. That insane look of fear displayed by people along the snowy roads as you approach very fast in your car.... *evil laugh*
3. Buying and sporting some awesome blue sunglasses (in December!)
4. Finding a freakin' awesome rockstar shirt
5. Dubbing my car the "Mighty Mouse" for the day, for its heroic bravery in conquering snowy/sludgy roads. Way to go little guy!
6. Chatting with one of my bestest pals ever, and deciding to frequent the kitchen together!
7. Reading peoples blogs (especially stories! gotta love em!)
8. Only working a half shift tonight at work (and getting free movie tickets for doing it cause they forgot that I was already on the schedule!)
9. Making peanutbutter fudge
10. Feeling a little of that Peace on Earth, and not a little of that Good Will towards Men on whom His Favor Rests!