Encouragement

Am I the only one who keeps certain things around me just because they are encouraging? What's that you say? Oh, funny, I thought not. I know you do it too.
Here's part of my fun collection.

* There's an e-mail that I keep at the front of my inbox after I am done filing and deleting. Its title is "al' ittle love", and its an e-mail from my 10 year old brother telling me how to use emoticons on g-mail. I don't even have to open it to be encouraged. Just the title alone reminds me that I am loved, (and respected) by a 10 year old boy.
* I got a flip calendar from my sister-in-law as part of a gift for being a bridesmaid in her wedding. It has all kinds of little sayings on it. I try to flip it every day to see if there is anything encouraging. Sometimes there isn't, but I usually check anyway. She also gave me a little book about being God's Princess. I can't tell you how many times I flip that book open to the next page and almost cry from reading the promises and love that my God has for me.
* Behind my hp scanner/printer combo (which REALLY comes in handy for school) hangs a map of Kampala city (generated interestingly enough from copies made on said hp from the back of the map of Uganda that hangs above my coat rack!). Looking at that map reminds me of the places and faces I need to pray for. But its also encouraging, because that place holds a promise of God for my life. :) Actually if you look around my room... above my bed is a shelf with a sign that says "P-R-A-Y" flanked by a giraffe and an elephant, above a banana leaf relief of the continent of Africa, a peice of African art, and the verse "Delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart". Scattered around my room are pictures of my family and friends. People I pray for on a consistent basis, and ones I know pray for me too. What an encouragement!
* This is silly, but in my kitchen the walls are beige... except for one wall. It's red. Brilliant red. I love that one red wall. I think it speaks to my heart and my love of being the rebel and delighting in being different.
* In my car, directly behind the steering wheel is a very faded peice of paper. At one time it was cute and scrapbooky looking... now it is all but unreadable. It looks like this "For to me, to ____ is ______, to _____ is _____". I bet you can guess what the blanks used to say before the colored ink faded in the sun. I put that in my car when I first got it because, for one thing I wanted to consecrate my car to God (I figured if I gave it to Him, He'd take better care of it than me), but also because one of my biggest fears in life was getting in a car accident. In fact I used to have nightmares about being in a moving car and not being able to stop it while I watched in slow motion as me or my little siblings sped head on towards imminent danger! For about a month, every time that I got into that car, I read that verse. Somewhere along the way the truth of it started to sink in. I still read it every once in a while, but the fear of death is gone for me. Now, its just pure encouragement of the hope that I have.

So... can you think of anything that you keep around you just cause its encouraging to your heart? If not... then wow... you need to get a life! And I mean that in the nicest sense.
I actually was thinking about this because one of my New Year's resolutions... (which actually had nothing to do with it being a new physical year... but a new spiritual year)... was to be more encouraging to the people around me. So I was thinking of blessings in my life that I could use to be blessings to others. So far its been absolutely amazing and I am thoroughly being encouraged by encouraging others as well! Sweet returns!

random convo...

one of my coworkers to me -- "So you don't have a boyfriend, you don't have any babies, and you don't drink... What do you do for fun?"
me to her -- laughs, then adds more thoughtfully "That's all that's fun in your life?"

*just a small wake up call for those of us who don't always see the complete and total desperateness of those around us for something, anything to make their life count for something. to be fun. just for tonight, this week, this month, this year. how often do we miss their cries out for some hint of a life that has something more.

If I could do it over...

So I know Jenna wrote about this on her blog... but I also listened to that sermon about joy, and the things that steal our joy in our lives. And yes, the list of stuff from the monk in Nebraska (who knew they had monks in NE?) stuck out to me as well.
In his list he said stuff like, "If I could do life over, I would..." and then finished it with stuff like eating more ice cream and less beans, or relishing in God's beautiful creation more...
this is my list

If I could live my life over:
I would spend more time investing in my little siblings and less time avoiding them.
I would love people more without worrying what they would think.
I would talk to and reach out to people more.
I would watch less movies and spend more time outside.
I would commit more to practice things that I could be good at.
I would learn a language and an instrument or two or three...
I would be more artistic, more domestic, more literary, and more athletic.
I would laugh more, cry more, and let myself dream routinely.
I would be content.
I would give more stuff away and make do with less.
I would eat less sweets and more rice and beans.
I would take more chances to do crazy things.
I would learn to swim and conquer my fear of heights.
I would randomly dance more, and I would learn how to really dance.
I wouldn't ever drink, kiss anyone, get a dog, or talk back to my parents, even when they are wrong.
I would take more responsibility for my actions and not justify myself all the time.
I would spend more time in the Word, and less time online.
I would learn more worship/scripture songs, and less hip-hop.
I would respect my parents more, listen to them closer, and love them better.
I would encourage people more; and not be so dang selfish.
I would be a sunday school volunteer more often and sit through boring classes less.
I would take more sermon notes, more class notes, and fill more prayer journals.
I would use more brilliant colors, wear more dresses, curl my hair, and rock the heels when given the chance.
I would give more hugs, dry more tears, and hold more hands.
I would find a place to serve more.
I would live in a ramshackle house a stones throw from hell.
I would enjoy solitude and delight in company.

... and that's just the start. Its kinda good to look at a list like this as I start into my new year. I think it helps prioritize the things that I want my life to be about, and what I want to change about the way that I currently live. With God's help, I'm gonna try to live every day, so I don't have to think about how I could have done it better if I could do it over.

My Family

Do you have to be gone for a while to completely and fully appreciate your family?

I don't know, but I think that is exactly what has happened to me. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that I have grown up a little bit and got rid of that nasty teenage habit of looking down on my parents and siblings. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I look at them and imagine if this is the last holiday season that I get to spend with them in the U.S. for a while, what do I want to remember?

We were washing dishes last night. Janalee was making cookie frosting, and my dad and Jim were in the other room playing their guitars. The whole family was singing "the Revelation Song" (look it up if you don't know what I am talking about, because it is a really good song!). Now usually I hate taking part in these group sing things... don't ask why, its probably just because I have a bad attitude. Anyway, last night, I was pretty much like, "oh, what the heck," and joined right in. WOW! let me just say that I have a pretty amazingly talented family! Harmonies off the wall, and a beautifully powerful song mixed together?? YOWWEE! Needless to say, it was beautiful. I think its moments like that I will miss the most. Moments of absolute and total abandonment to the music of what is going on around me (figuratively, although this was literally).
There is something of the beauty of heaven that is reflected in my family I think. Maybe sometheing of the beauty of the church as it ought to be. The harmonies... yeah, you catching on?
Anyway, those are the moments that I want to remember when I'm old and moved away. Those and the silly moments like all standing around and shooting the breeze in the kitchen, the little girls spending the night at my house and making steak and eggs for breakfast, or tromping in the timber. I can't even explain in this short space how those times make my heart thrill.

I just hope and pray that I can learn to enjoy them more and more every day.

Incomplete Workings/Complete Joy

I was looking back through my recent posts to this blog... quite a shame actually, almost all of them are drafts that have yet to be published... tsk, tsk on me. But none the less, I was looking back through them and came to a very decided conclusion. I've been more or less disjointed in the last several months.
My sister said something yesterday while we were hanging out...
*okay, let me pause here to say that in my family the most silliness, laughing, and other mayhem happens in the kitchen directly after meals once my parents clear out and leave the rest of us to finish cleaning up and doing dishes, etc... This is in fact where/what we were doing last night when this conversation happened...*
She said, "you are a lot funnier when you have enough sleep!" I think that she was operating off the general assumption that the reason that I had been so grumpy/down the last several times that I was at the house was my lack of sleep and general exhaustion resulting from nursing school. "Not so Mr. Skylar!"
My lack of joy in life resulted from the discombobulation of my life in general. In the last month I had come under such extreme pressure from school, financial strain, my car broke down, and I was trying to take finish strong in school while working night shifts... ugh. But that was not my problem. I had some very strained relationships, both with those directly around me, and with some others that are very dear to my heart, not to mention a relative that I love very dearly. But that was not my problem either. My problem was that in all of this, I didn't run to the very person, scratch that, the ONLY PERSON that could have held all those problems in His powerful arms for me!
That much being said, let me just say that my sister attributed the joy to the wrong source. It wasn't an increase in sleep that has me ready to tackle the day. In fact, I'm not thoroughly convinced that there has been an increase! Its the daily submission of that day to God and His glory and His pleasure.
Its a beautiful kind of glorious to rediscover your first true Love after finding emptiness everywhere else.

apathy

Main Entry: ap·a·thy

Pronunciation: \ˈa-pə-thē\

Function: noun

Etymology: Greek apatheia, from apathēs without feeling, from a- + pathos emotion — more at pathos

Date: 1594

1 : lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness
2 : lack of interest or concern : indifference

Apathy is also the emotion that I have been feeling most acutely at this present time. Yesterday I graduated from nursing school... let me tell you about that...
I've come through this last year as one of the absolute hardest of my entire life! Nursing school is brutal. But this last semester you know how much I have studied for tests? Maybe the day before... if I'm lucky. Really. I don't know how I didn't fail more of my schoolwork... honestly. I crunched numbers last week and the night before my final I lay on my couch and watched "The Two Towers". Yeah, that was largely productive!!! I managed to get through my final, and waited while grades were posted. Everyone else in my class was freaking out wanting to know if they passed or not. I was... well the best word is probably: apathetic. Completely emotionless, I was just glad the suffering was over. I passed with actually a half way decent grade and went on to graduate. I think I told everyone that I was excited to be done. I'm not. I'm indifferent. Maybe it just hasn't set in yet. Who knows...

But then again... I start to think for a minute about the things that get me excited... investing in peoples lives, natural beauty, Africa, knowing my nursing stuff... yeah, that still does it for me. So maybe I'm not apathetic, maybe I'm just selective about what excites me these days.

why?

vs. 1:
undeserved grace
after all i've done
after all i do
to take me back
open arms

chorus:
why?
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
why would You
choose to love
me?

vs. 2:
perfect forgiveness
despite all i've done
in all i do
You take me back
warm embrace

chorus:
why?
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
why would You
choose to love
me?

bridge:
and i see those tears
slipping slowly down the blood caked Face
and i watch those thorns
press farther into that precious Head
and how can i
put you through
so much pain?
why would you
choose to love
me?

chorus:
here
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
its here You
choose to love
me