one of my coworkers to me -- "So you don't have a boyfriend, you don't have any babies, and you don't drink... What do you do for fun?"
me to her -- laughs, then adds more thoughtfully "That's all that's fun in your life?"
*just a small wake up call for those of us who don't always see the complete and total desperateness of those around us for something, anything to make their life count for something. to be fun. just for tonight, this week, this month, this year. how often do we miss their cries out for some hint of a life that has something more.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
If I could do it over...
So I know Jenna wrote about this on her blog... but I also listened to that sermon about joy, and the things that steal our joy in our lives. And yes, the list of stuff from the monk in Nebraska (who knew they had monks in NE?) stuck out to me as well.
In his list he said stuff like, "If I could do life over, I would..." and then finished it with stuff like eating more ice cream and less beans, or relishing in God's beautiful creation more...
this is my list
If I could live my life over:
I would spend more time investing in my little siblings and less time avoiding them.
I would love people more without worrying what they would think.
I would talk to and reach out to people more.
I would watch less movies and spend more time outside.
I would commit more to practice things that I could be good at.
I would learn a language and an instrument or two or three...
I would be more artistic, more domestic, more literary, and more athletic.
I would laugh more, cry more, and let myself dream routinely.
I would be content.
I would give more stuff away and make do with less.
I would eat less sweets and more rice and beans.
I would take more chances to do crazy things.
I would learn to swim and conquer my fear of heights.
I would randomly dance more, and I would learn how to really dance.
I wouldn't ever drink, kiss anyone, get a dog, or talk back to my parents, even when they are wrong.
I would take more responsibility for my actions and not justify myself all the time.
I would spend more time in the Word, and less time online.
I would learn more worship/scripture songs, and less hip-hop.
I would respect my parents more, listen to them closer, and love them better.
I would encourage people more; and not be so dang selfish.
I would be a sunday school volunteer more often and sit through boring classes less.
I would take more sermon notes, more class notes, and fill more prayer journals.
I would use more brilliant colors, wear more dresses, curl my hair, and rock the heels when given the chance.
I would give more hugs, dry more tears, and hold more hands.
I would find a place to serve more.
I would live in a ramshackle house a stones throw from hell.
I would enjoy solitude and delight in company.
... and that's just the start. Its kinda good to look at a list like this as I start into my new year. I think it helps prioritize the things that I want my life to be about, and what I want to change about the way that I currently live. With God's help, I'm gonna try to live every day, so I don't have to think about how I could have done it better if I could do it over.
In his list he said stuff like, "If I could do life over, I would..." and then finished it with stuff like eating more ice cream and less beans, or relishing in God's beautiful creation more...
this is my list
If I could live my life over:
I would spend more time investing in my little siblings and less time avoiding them.
I would love people more without worrying what they would think.
I would talk to and reach out to people more.
I would watch less movies and spend more time outside.
I would commit more to practice things that I could be good at.
I would learn a language and an instrument or two or three...
I would be more artistic, more domestic, more literary, and more athletic.
I would laugh more, cry more, and let myself dream routinely.
I would be content.
I would give more stuff away and make do with less.
I would eat less sweets and more rice and beans.
I would take more chances to do crazy things.
I would learn to swim and conquer my fear of heights.
I would randomly dance more, and I would learn how to really dance.
I wouldn't ever drink, kiss anyone, get a dog, or talk back to my parents, even when they are wrong.
I would take more responsibility for my actions and not justify myself all the time.
I would spend more time in the Word, and less time online.
I would learn more worship/scripture songs, and less hip-hop.
I would respect my parents more, listen to them closer, and love them better.
I would encourage people more; and not be so dang selfish.
I would be a sunday school volunteer more often and sit through boring classes less.
I would take more sermon notes, more class notes, and fill more prayer journals.
I would use more brilliant colors, wear more dresses, curl my hair, and rock the heels when given the chance.
I would give more hugs, dry more tears, and hold more hands.
I would find a place to serve more.
I would live in a ramshackle house a stones throw from hell.
I would enjoy solitude and delight in company.
... and that's just the start. Its kinda good to look at a list like this as I start into my new year. I think it helps prioritize the things that I want my life to be about, and what I want to change about the way that I currently live. With God's help, I'm gonna try to live every day, so I don't have to think about how I could have done it better if I could do it over.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
My Family
Do you have to be gone for a while to completely and fully appreciate your family?
I don't know, but I think that is exactly what has happened to me. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that I have grown up a little bit and got rid of that nasty teenage habit of looking down on my parents and siblings. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I look at them and imagine if this is the last holiday season that I get to spend with them in the U.S. for a while, what do I want to remember?
We were washing dishes last night. Janalee was making cookie frosting, and my dad and Jim were in the other room playing their guitars. The whole family was singing "the Revelation Song" (look it up if you don't know what I am talking about, because it is a really good song!). Now usually I hate taking part in these group sing things... don't ask why, its probably just because I have a bad attitude. Anyway, last night, I was pretty much like, "oh, what the heck," and joined right in. WOW! let me just say that I have a pretty amazingly talented family! Harmonies off the wall, and a beautifully powerful song mixed together?? YOWWEE! Needless to say, it was beautiful. I think its moments like that I will miss the most. Moments of absolute and total abandonment to the music of what is going on around me (figuratively, although this was literally).
There is something of the beauty of heaven that is reflected in my family I think. Maybe sometheing of the beauty of the church as it ought to be. The harmonies... yeah, you catching on?
Anyway, those are the moments that I want to remember when I'm old and moved away. Those and the silly moments like all standing around and shooting the breeze in the kitchen, the little girls spending the night at my house and making steak and eggs for breakfast, or tromping in the timber. I can't even explain in this short space how those times make my heart thrill.
I just hope and pray that I can learn to enjoy them more and more every day.
I don't know, but I think that is exactly what has happened to me. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that I have grown up a little bit and got rid of that nasty teenage habit of looking down on my parents and siblings. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I look at them and imagine if this is the last holiday season that I get to spend with them in the U.S. for a while, what do I want to remember?
We were washing dishes last night. Janalee was making cookie frosting, and my dad and Jim were in the other room playing their guitars. The whole family was singing "the Revelation Song" (look it up if you don't know what I am talking about, because it is a really good song!). Now usually I hate taking part in these group sing things... don't ask why, its probably just because I have a bad attitude. Anyway, last night, I was pretty much like, "oh, what the heck," and joined right in. WOW! let me just say that I have a pretty amazingly talented family! Harmonies off the wall, and a beautifully powerful song mixed together?? YOWWEE! Needless to say, it was beautiful. I think its moments like that I will miss the most. Moments of absolute and total abandonment to the music of what is going on around me (figuratively, although this was literally).
There is something of the beauty of heaven that is reflected in my family I think. Maybe sometheing of the beauty of the church as it ought to be. The harmonies... yeah, you catching on?
Anyway, those are the moments that I want to remember when I'm old and moved away. Those and the silly moments like all standing around and shooting the breeze in the kitchen, the little girls spending the night at my house and making steak and eggs for breakfast, or tromping in the timber. I can't even explain in this short space how those times make my heart thrill.
I just hope and pray that I can learn to enjoy them more and more every day.
Incomplete Workings/Complete Joy
I was looking back through my recent posts to this blog... quite a shame actually, almost all of them are drafts that have yet to be published... tsk, tsk on me. But none the less, I was looking back through them and came to a very decided conclusion. I've been more or less disjointed in the last several months.
My sister said something yesterday while we were hanging out...
*okay, let me pause here to say that in my family the most silliness, laughing, and other mayhem happens in the kitchen directly after meals once my parents clear out and leave the rest of us to finish cleaning up and doing dishes, etc... This is in fact where/what we were doing last night when this conversation happened...*
She said, "you are a lot funnier when you have enough sleep!" I think that she was operating off the general assumption that the reason that I had been so grumpy/down the last several times that I was at the house was my lack of sleep and general exhaustion resulting from nursing school. "Not so Mr. Skylar!"
My lack of joy in life resulted from the discombobulation of my life in general. In the last month I had come under such extreme pressure from school, financial strain, my car broke down, and I was trying to take finish strong in school while working night shifts... ugh. But that was not my problem. I had some very strained relationships, both with those directly around me, and with some others that are very dear to my heart, not to mention a relative that I love very dearly. But that was not my problem either. My problem was that in all of this, I didn't run to the very person, scratch that, the ONLY PERSON that could have held all those problems in His powerful arms for me!
That much being said, let me just say that my sister attributed the joy to the wrong source. It wasn't an increase in sleep that has me ready to tackle the day. In fact, I'm not thoroughly convinced that there has been an increase! Its the daily submission of that day to God and His glory and His pleasure.
Its a beautiful kind of glorious to rediscover your first true Love after finding emptiness everywhere else.
My sister said something yesterday while we were hanging out...
*okay, let me pause here to say that in my family the most silliness, laughing, and other mayhem happens in the kitchen directly after meals once my parents clear out and leave the rest of us to finish cleaning up and doing dishes, etc... This is in fact where/what we were doing last night when this conversation happened...*
She said, "you are a lot funnier when you have enough sleep!" I think that she was operating off the general assumption that the reason that I had been so grumpy/down the last several times that I was at the house was my lack of sleep and general exhaustion resulting from nursing school. "Not so Mr. Skylar!"
My lack of joy in life resulted from the discombobulation of my life in general. In the last month I had come under such extreme pressure from school, financial strain, my car broke down, and I was trying to take finish strong in school while working night shifts... ugh. But that was not my problem. I had some very strained relationships, both with those directly around me, and with some others that are very dear to my heart, not to mention a relative that I love very dearly. But that was not my problem either. My problem was that in all of this, I didn't run to the very person, scratch that, the ONLY PERSON that could have held all those problems in His powerful arms for me!
That much being said, let me just say that my sister attributed the joy to the wrong source. It wasn't an increase in sleep that has me ready to tackle the day. In fact, I'm not thoroughly convinced that there has been an increase! Its the daily submission of that day to God and His glory and His pleasure.
Its a beautiful kind of glorious to rediscover your first true Love after finding emptiness everywhere else.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
apathy
Main Entry: ap·a·thy
Pronunciation: \ˈa-pə-thē\
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek apatheia, from apathēs without feeling, from a- + pathos emotion — more at pathos
Date: 1594
1 : lack of feeling or emotion : impassiveness2 : lack of interest or concern : indifference
Apathy is also the emotion that I have been feeling most acutely at this present time. Yesterday I graduated from nursing school... let me tell you about that...
I've come through this last year as one of the absolute hardest of my entire life! Nursing school is brutal. But this last semester you know how much I have studied for tests? Maybe the day before... if I'm lucky. Really. I don't know how I didn't fail more of my schoolwork... honestly. I crunched numbers last week and the night before my final I lay on my couch and watched "The Two Towers". Yeah, that was largely productive!!! I managed to get through my final, and waited while grades were posted. Everyone else in my class was freaking out wanting to know if they passed or not. I was... well the best word is probably: apathetic. Completely emotionless, I was just glad the suffering was over. I passed with actually a half way decent grade and went on to graduate. I think I told everyone that I was excited to be done. I'm not. I'm indifferent. Maybe it just hasn't set in yet. Who knows...
But then again... I start to think for a minute about the things that get me excited... investing in peoples lives, natural beauty, Africa, knowing my nursing stuff... yeah, that still does it for me. So maybe I'm not apathetic, maybe I'm just selective about what excites me these days.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
why?
vs. 1:
undeserved grace
after all i've done
after all i do
to take me back
open arms
chorus:
why?
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
why would You
choose to love
me?
vs. 2:
perfect forgiveness
despite all i've done
in all i do
You take me back
warm embrace
chorus:
why?
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
why would You
choose to love
me?
bridge:
and i see those tears
slipping slowly down the blood caked Face
and i watch those thorns
press farther into that precious Head
and how can i
put you through
so much pain?
why would you
choose to love
me?
chorus:
here
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
its here You
choose to love
me
undeserved grace
after all i've done
after all i do
to take me back
open arms
chorus:
why?
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
why would You
choose to love
me?
vs. 2:
perfect forgiveness
despite all i've done
in all i do
You take me back
warm embrace
chorus:
why?
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
why would You
choose to love
me?
bridge:
and i see those tears
slipping slowly down the blood caked Face
and i watch those thorns
press farther into that precious Head
and how can i
put you through
so much pain?
why would you
choose to love
me?
chorus:
here
in my failings
in my weakness
in my belligerent turning away
its here You
choose to love
me
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
November
I guess I haven't written on here for a while. I've been pretty busy with school, and the majority of things going on in my life are a little too personal to put on a blog if you know what I mean.
Basically God is doing some really awesome remodeling of my life.
For starters, He's really been working on my pride and independence. I think I asked Him to actually, but He's been really faithful at confronting me about it at every turn. Especially in the fact that my car has broken down. I'm sure that I have mentioned before how much of a love/hate relationship that I have with that car. He was the first and only car that I have owned, and I have kind of a "first love" type mentality for it. Anyway, he let me down like any typical guy, and left me hanging with two months of school left, so I've been having to bum rides off of everyone. Which as much as I really LOVE doing that... I'll be glad if my friend and his dad can get my car up and running again. They are working on it now, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
The other thing that He really keeps having me confront is whether or not I believe that He really does answer my prayers. This may seem rudimentary to you, and I believe it probably is to the Christian walk, but don't you ever have those times when you wonder, really wonder why you are praying? Perhaps those times where you pray about it as an ingrained reflex and not the real seeking of God that it should be? Or you pray without waiting in expectation for God to move, or without the longevity to wait on His answer? That is pretty much me more times than not. I think that growing up the way I did, and learning early go to Him has really put me into a permanent bent of laying things at His feet, and then turning around and leaving.
What happened to the earnestness? The pleading with God? That kind of prayer that shakes the gates of Hell? Anyone?
I thought not. I don't think that kind of prayer is taught in our churches. I see that kind of worship, sometimes that kind of preaching, that kind of passion for service, but where is the prayer? Does anyone know of churches that still do mid-week prayer? I didn't think so. And don't you just think of that as Mrs. Jenkins, Widow Saunders, and the pastor camped out in the ugly paneled basement of the church. Sitting there on folding chairs, with the sunday school feltboard Jesus' pictures on the wall behind them, and praying very softly? (maybe I'm just weird and always pictured it that way)
Crying out to God has been the cry of my heart of late. I went to Ichthus last week. I didn't realize how much I missed it. (doesn't change the fact that I still felt out of place, but I did miss it). My sister came up to me afterwards as I was sitting there praying and gave me a list of verses and told me to look them up. I looked up the first one and couldn't read the second through the tears building in my eyes and trickling down my cheeks. Reading it today, its faded, but it still carries some of the power.
Psalm 107: 8-9 "Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."
Basically God is doing some really awesome remodeling of my life.
For starters, He's really been working on my pride and independence. I think I asked Him to actually, but He's been really faithful at confronting me about it at every turn. Especially in the fact that my car has broken down. I'm sure that I have mentioned before how much of a love/hate relationship that I have with that car. He was the first and only car that I have owned, and I have kind of a "first love" type mentality for it. Anyway, he let me down like any typical guy, and left me hanging with two months of school left, so I've been having to bum rides off of everyone. Which as much as I really LOVE doing that... I'll be glad if my friend and his dad can get my car up and running again. They are working on it now, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
The other thing that He really keeps having me confront is whether or not I believe that He really does answer my prayers. This may seem rudimentary to you, and I believe it probably is to the Christian walk, but don't you ever have those times when you wonder, really wonder why you are praying? Perhaps those times where you pray about it as an ingrained reflex and not the real seeking of God that it should be? Or you pray without waiting in expectation for God to move, or without the longevity to wait on His answer? That is pretty much me more times than not. I think that growing up the way I did, and learning early go to Him has really put me into a permanent bent of laying things at His feet, and then turning around and leaving.
What happened to the earnestness? The pleading with God? That kind of prayer that shakes the gates of Hell? Anyone?
I thought not. I don't think that kind of prayer is taught in our churches. I see that kind of worship, sometimes that kind of preaching, that kind of passion for service, but where is the prayer? Does anyone know of churches that still do mid-week prayer? I didn't think so. And don't you just think of that as Mrs. Jenkins, Widow Saunders, and the pastor camped out in the ugly paneled basement of the church. Sitting there on folding chairs, with the sunday school feltboard Jesus' pictures on the wall behind them, and praying very softly? (maybe I'm just weird and always pictured it that way)
Crying out to God has been the cry of my heart of late. I went to Ichthus last week. I didn't realize how much I missed it. (doesn't change the fact that I still felt out of place, but I did miss it). My sister came up to me afterwards as I was sitting there praying and gave me a list of verses and told me to look them up. I looked up the first one and couldn't read the second through the tears building in my eyes and trickling down my cheeks. Reading it today, its faded, but it still carries some of the power.
Psalm 107: 8-9 "Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."
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