Today someone asked me about the guy that I had been dating. It was kind of ironic, cause I had been thinking of him a little this week. I'm not sure why. Its been 10 months now since he said goodbye to me. I remember having a strange peace about it despite the intense pain that day. I remember only crying once that day for the equivalent of 4 sobs on a friend's shoulder. I remember all the awkward messages we sent to one another after that, trying to figure everything out, bring some sort of closure. I remember acutely going through all of Keubler-Ross's stages of grief.
Denial: we aren't over. We can't be over. God promised me that I should ask Him and He'd work it out, so it can't truly be over, right?
Anger: How can he just treat me like this when I was so amazing to him? He's a jerk! I want to hurt him! I want to take back everything I ever gave him. I want to hurt HER for taking him. What gives him the right to use me like that?
Bargaining: Look God, I'll pray for him every day. I can be good and I won't nag him anymore and I'll be the picture of a gentle and quiet spirit.
Depression: Its just not gonna happen. It was doomed from the beginning. I'm not that great of a catch. Its understandably why he didn't love me. He's a commitment-phobe anyway with honesty problems and family problems and it was bound to fail. Everyone else knew that; they could see it clearly. I was just a fool.
and finally...
Acceptance: God has something (perhaps MANY THINGS!) to teach me in and through this relationship, (even its failure). But God is not through just because he is! God doesn't leave me or forsake me. He doesn't leave me as an orphan, but comes to me. He loves me unconditionally so I don't need his love. Not then, not now, not tomorrow, not next week, not ever! The Creator of the stars and waterfalls finds me beautiful and assures me that I never need to wake to someone that won't satisfy me. He says that when I awake I can be satisfied with merely seeing His likeness and with assurance of His unfailing love! Gosh, how lucky a girl am I??!?!? The Lord of the universe knows my name, how many hairs are on my head (even though they keep falling out!), and He cares deeply about every love and fear of my inmost secret heart! What else could I ever need?
Whew...
I actually wrote all that when the pain was still fresh. I just realized today though how much it is okay.
See someone asked me how we were doing and I replied that we weren't together anymore. As she asked me more, I had to admit that it had been a while that we hadn't been together. I think she felt bad that she didn't know, and I quickly assured her that it was okay. Then I had to catch myself, because I realized to my great surprise that it really was okay. I really do look back on all that with a sense of deep gratitude for everything that God has brought me through. Sometimes I smile to myself and enjoy my freedom that I have now. See, since I have plans to leave the country soon, it would be irresponsible to be in a relationship at this point in time. Plus, the longer that I live the more convinced I am of my complete and utter lack of the maturity required to handle a relationship with any sort of decorum. And that fact alone scares the living daylights out of me! I figure if it this keeps up, the exponential growth itself will soon top out with me being thoroughly convinced to never be in a relationship ever again! ;)
Its okay, you can all laugh at that! (I do... on a regular basis.)
Anyway, as my dear friend reminded me, God must have something much better planned. I replied, "Undoubtedly," and then, to my surprise, found that I actually believed that as well!
This may be funny to some of you, or cliche, if you are around lots of Christian girls that like to use this passage to fuel their demented ideas of romanticism, but Isaiah 54 has been a really big comfort to me. Something about the fact that God Himself has already promised to be all that we need (the same as He was for the Israelites, He is for us under the New Covenant), just satisfies my heart in a way that I can't explain.
Plus God promised me a long time ago that even if I never get married and never have any biological children that He would still give me children. People to teach and train and pray over and sacrifice for and love and mother. Isaiah 54 reminds me of this promise and helps me to be committed to looking around me for "my (unbiological) children". His faithfulness in bringing those situations in my every day life just astounds me sometimes. But yet, here He is doing it. People and situations that I never expected to happen and God has put me in the exact position to be exactly what that young person needed at that exact moment in time. Strangely, (or perhaps not so strangely) I find myself relishing every single instant of it.
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