A New Leaf

** If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. ** Luke 14:26-27
I was washing dishes this morning and this thought kept popping into my head. Actually it was there yesterday too. I've been thinking a lot about what I will and won't give up for my Lord. Surprisingly (at least to me)I realized that I actually had things on the "won't give up" list. I have so many hopes and dreams and ambitions I've been holding in a closed fist. And though I've been holding out my hand to God asking Him to use it, I've still had a death grip on these things not allowing Him to snatch them away and replace them with something better, or even for Him to allow me to have them. I need an open hand.
I've had a quote from the movie "Facing the Giants" up on my refrigerator for the last month. Something about it kept haunting me. Although I kept reading it trying to glean as much as I could from that phrase, I felt like I was missing something from it. The quote falls in the movie after the main characters realize that they are unable to have children naturally after trying for many years. The man posed this question to his wife, after coming to the realization that he needed to be living for the Lord every day and trusting Him.
** "If God never gives us the children we want, will you still love Him?" **
I blanked out "the children" in the quote and added my name to the end, posing the question to myself, and filling in any number of different scenarios. Funny thing is that I always thought I knew the answer to that question. I've known for, what feels like, my entire life that being angry at God about something doesn't change it one iota. Yet now that I look back, I can fairly clearly see that I was mad all along. When bad things happen in my life I have a couple of songs that I listen to on repeat. They have the same theme. They speak of how much God loves me. Which is weird. Why, at times when things go differently than I wanted in my life would I not question God's plan, but instead need this crazy reassurance that He loves me, and that I should love Him?
I guess I still don't know the whole answer to that question, but I feel like maybe I'm finally getting to the root of one of my problems with really trusting God. I was talking to some of my girlfriends and I think a small part of me was still holding out hoping that I would get the storybook tale that I have always wanted. But life is more complicated than that, and I'm not sure why I wanted a fairytale, when I've always been more of a action movie type gal anyway... Recent events have crumbled even my little dreams of having the storybook that I wanted and I finally realize why those dreams can't happen. Because if I was to truthfully answer the question, "will you still love Him?" my answer would be shaky. I really don't have a faith that grounded. I know what the right answer is and I would struggle to still love Him because I knew I should, but it wouldn't be that free and effortless flow like it should be. I picture a stream when I say that. One that is swollen by spring rains and melting snow and it just rushes over the rocks, so utterly clear and cold and purposeful, knowing that it will follow the bed sculpted by time. Thinking that I already knew where my stream was headed, I think I have been fighting God when I could have just been freely flowing without a care knowing He has already prepared the course for me.
I want that much freedom. So I'm trying to purpose to lay down all my hopes and dreams and ambitions and plans. And I mean ALL.
Which is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do in my entire life. And yet, so necessary that I can't fail to do it.
This life I am living now, I cannot continue to live. It will kill me faster than a 0.2mg of ricin.