Love

So, God has been working on my lately... yeah, I know, He never really stops with that.
But lately His focus has been on Love.
And not your average, run of the mill, garden variety love, but that deep, sacrificial, laying down your life kind of unconditional love.
Started actually a week ago. Someone that I loved very much hurt me very badly, and before it was even all out on the table, I heard God's voice... oh-so-clearly... saying "You have to forgive that, Joanna." Now if there ever was a time that I had a viable reason to not forgive someone, this pretty much would have been it. It didn't seem right (from a moral standpoint) to forgive them, and it definitely didn't seem right from a human standpoint! But here was that Voice... "forgive!" And man, I didn't want to! I fought it all weekend, only stepped foot outside the house once, seriously considered getting drunk for the first time in my life, ate a lot of chocolate, and gave myself a migraine from thinking too hard! I even talked with people about it, got advice, tried to cry, cussed like a sailor, and cleaned house (you know I am stressed if ever I start cleaning!). I wanted to cry, I wanted to be fighting mad, I wanted to just feel something... anything! But God had already given the grace that I needed...
All I had to do was forgive. Not blot out, not forget, not replace it with trust... just forgive.
Somehow it is very freeing that God didn't ask me for any more than that. I don't have to trust the loved one, I don't have to forget what happened, I don't have to act like nothing is wrong. I just have to forgive.
So, I know you are all wondering... did I do it? Did I actually get down and dirty with God and ask Him to take away the resentment and crushed pride from my heart and fill it with His love and forgiveness?
Actually, the answer is yes.
Not that I think it is that simple. That you just ask and God's like "ZAP", and you are good to go. Although, don't get me wrong, I know He does some amazing stuff sometimes! But I think it will still be a process. I have to face the person, face my own fears, face the lack of trust issue, face always remembering... its not going to be easy. Its gonna require a day to day commitment to love with not my own human love, but with Christ's unconditional love.
Then, because I wrote that piece on being a nun and Mother Teresa, I looked up some of her sayings... A lot of them have to do with sacrificial love. The kind of love that keeps forgiving and not keeping track of offenses! The kind that gives, even when knowing that it'll get absolutely nothing in return! And it really does not matter. We all know, deep in our hearts, that what God wants of us is this unconditional, self-denying love. I think Jeff said something about this the other night at Ichthus too. But how often do we really try and get out there and practice this kind of love? Do I get P.O.'d when I am the only one serving? The only one doing my best at my job? Am I just getting done what needs done? Or am I genuinely stopping to take notice of people and situations in which I have an opportunity to give even more of myself away? Gosh, why does God ask so much of us? Wouldn't it be so much easier if He let us scrape by on our selfishness? And at the very same time that I am asking those questions... I already know the answer. No... resounding NO!
It would be easier, maybe from a human standpoint, but in the end nothing and no one would matter anymore. Ceasing to love = ceasing to live. Life's joys and sorrows are only felt and experienced because of the huge capacity for love that God has already programmed into our lives.
Now if I can only figure out this whole unconditional love thing... but, I think for right now, its going to have to be a one day at a time thing.