The Stirring

Its stirring again... that restless spirit deep down within me. Every once in a while it likes to rear its ugly head, make me rue my current life, want to abandon my goals, throw off responsibilities, spit in the face of convention, and run off on wild and woolly adventures!
Today it was triggered by the fact that I failed a test. (by one percentage point, but failed none the less.) It just makes me feel like a lousy student nurse, and think about how I was not made for this, but for something bigger. Yes, I know this is one of the steps in getting there... but it is easy to loose site of that when I apparently stink at it so badly!
Not that I think that I am a bad nurse all the time. No, I have a lot of real, practical, down to earth knowledge, work experience, and common sense (which in my personal opinion, a lot of nurses out there are severely lacking in!) I apparently just suck at looking at a textbook and copying things and pasting them into my memory to dump out onto a test. Not that I studied much for my test anyway... long story... but see also: "Once upon a roadtrip..." for what I ended up doing all weekend instead of studying. *ducks head*
So, this is probably the part where you start thinking... Yeah, Jo, smart! Don't study at all, and then complain about failing the test! You brought this on yourself!... normally I could not agree with you more. And if it weren't for the fact that I completely bombed my math test as well, I would really not feel that badly about it. So far though, I am 0 for 2... and its not really helping my positive self-perception!
Maybe posting all these pictures in my room wasn't such a good idea. Right above my desk right now as I type this is a picture of me and the nurses from Mulago. You should see the smile on my face... its huge!! I haven't smiled that big in ages. And those beautiful braids! Man, I want those braids back!
I guess the main problem is that my heart is stuck somewhere and my body somewhere else. My body is sitting through nursing classes in a cinderblock, white-washed classroom with 24 other LPNs. Its running around town in a little green car (that REALLY needs washed) with music blaring, shades on, windows down. Its staring blankly at textbooks, cleaning house, going to work. But my heart is walking through the cool rain, and muddy potholes, tromping down to the "Middle East" to flag down a bodaboda. Its dancing through the dragonfly field munching on sugar cane. Its walking the longest route home through the flats, even though its already dark, just cause I don't want the conversation to end.
Lord, help this semester fly by!!

Thoughts from World Mandate

Sorry, this is raw guys, straight from my prayer journal to here:

Prayer--the most dangerous and exciting thing that you'll ever do in relation to what you do with your life. Its when we start to pray that crazy things start happening. Do we think that God will listen and disregard when we incline our ears, lift our hands, and raise our voices in petition? What kind of God would do that? Its scary, yes, but its also the most amazing thing that has ever... will ever... happen to you. To request the ear of God for our cry and attain His answer. And the way that He works for His Glory is amazing, almost mind-blowing at times.
His Grace--is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness. What we look at as insufficiency, God sees as a perfect spot for His work to show most clearly, most powerfully. Oh, to be God's pallet for a beautiful work. Not the canvas... the pallet. The messy, junky, nasty colored-mixed pallet. That which He can most easily pour colors onto, mix around, mangle, mutilate, and use to paint masterpieces!

Once upon a roadtrip...

So I am not even really sure how to start this post... Because I don't really even think that I am yet over how completely amazing God is... or how He loves me so much... or what it really means to trust, really trust in Jesus.

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word, just to rest upon His promise, just to know, thus saith the Lord. Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus, oh, for grace to trust Him more."

It was more than one thing. This whole last week had been a flurry of activity. Starting back to school, cramming in work, buying books, juggling trying to be with her little brother in the hospital, trying to be a good friend, stressing about stupid TB tests... She was running the whole gamete. Jo was a natural worrier, but this week had just been pathetic. There she lay, wide awake in her bed staring at the ceiling. In the other room she could hear her roommate turn off her alarm (for the second time) and start to move around. Cautiously she raised her head from under the warm quilts and looked around. The closet was attempting to spill its contents of dirty clothing out of the basket into the room. Her desk sat in the corner, completely littered with unfinished projects and errands. Strewn across the floor was the remains of what should have been her textbooks neatly stacked ready for studying all weekend. But no, because there next to the door sat her unpacked suitcase. See instead of studying all weekend for Monday's test, Jo planned to leave town all together, drive to another state, spend all her time longing for people and places so far away and yet so close to her heart. And all while spending time with some of her most amazing, Godly friends. So, yes, the worry was not unfounded. In fact Jo had every right to be freaking out already. And to some extent, she felt the uneasiness in her stomach as she mentally calculated all that she really should be doing, and realized that she would be doing little to none of it.

Thus was the sad state of my soul as I left that fateful day for Waco, Tx and the World Mandate conference. But I was supposed to go! I knew I was supposed to go! God had been reminding me of it all week, when I was trippin' over how much work I needed to get done, over how much school I had to do, over how this was very inconvenient timing, even how it looked like none of the other people were going to come through either... I just wanted to give up, to be like, "oh, well, God! I mean, I did try, but you know I just can't fight against all this. You're just gonna have to cool your horses and wait for the next conference, cause I don't think I can make this one."
So, like a good little child, I dragged my feet all the way out to that car, clambered into the driver's seat and set off for the sunrise. (oh, yeah, we left REALLY ungodly early in the morning, before self respecting people should ever be out!)
But driving has a way of calming me, and once we actually got out on the open road... the feel of the wheel in my hands, the drone of blacktop, and fun tunes on the stereo soon had me forgetting that I had been stressed at all. And it was fun! Liz made me nearly run off the road, (I was laughing about something she said.) Matt rolled up the window on my hand, and demonstrated his extensive knowledge of artists with typically large female fan bases. We mercilessly teased each other, and got to know each other better.
Whenever you go on a trip like this, I strongly recommend reading the map before you leave... I didn't. Long story short... I missed the exit in OKC for I35. Something on google maps said stay left... and no one told me that. And, hilariously enough, Jenna was in the back seat singing "Amarillo by morning..." and never once thought about the fact that if we were seeing signs for Amarillo, we might not be going the right direction.
104 miles later... we actually figured that out.
Not that big of a deal, right? Just catch the next highway down to meet up again with I35 in Dallas/Ft. Worth area. Well, that is all very good and well, except that we decided to stop for gas and to switch drivers. Liz hopped in, eager to do her part and polish off her stick shift driving abilities... except that it was soon apparent to me that she had none... alas... we pulled over, and I switched back to driving, cause I just couldn't have her running my car at 5000 RPMs for regular driving.
But it wasn't Liz. I couldn't get the car to accelerate either. Just nothing... and to make matters worse... the car had an eerie burning smell. Out I hop... Matt crawls under the car... there's a little oil leaking... I grab a rag from the trunk... check oil levels: a little low, but not bad. I keep extra oil in my car anyway, so I top him off. By now, Matt is ready to deliver his prognosis... (the very thing I had been dreading, but I assumed was true)... he thinks it is the clutch.
Okay, for those of you who know little about cars... a clutch is largely important, especially with a manual shifting car, because it is what disengages the engine while you shift gears. (and if you have ever attempted shifting without the clutch... you can HEAR why this would not be a good idea! But when the clutch goes out, you can't engage the engine... just running in idle and burning lots of gas trying to accelerate. Worse news: Matt's brother had a Sentra, which is very similar to my car... cost of new clutch: 2G. eeeekkk... *gasp, sputter, dying sounds*
So everyone gets on their phones... seriously, we must have looked pretty funny from the highway, all walking around talking on cell phones! Except for me... I did something very uncharacteristic. I sat down in front of the open hood and started praying. Basically one of those desperation-cry-out-to-God/Job-type-why-have-you-afflicted-me sorts of prayers... but prayer none the less. And that is when it started... the peace.
I didn't know what to do, and normally right about then I would have been busting out in tears, freaking out, etc... I know, cause I have done it before, when I was only about 2 hours from home... this time I was a good 10. Meanwhile, everyone on their cell phones had drummed up a bunch of prayer for us, and any number of concerned friends and family with suggestions. Then we did something that I am not sure what to think about... Matt crawled under the car, found the clutch with his hand, and reached out another hand to us to pray. And we seriously prayed over that clutch. I think our main thought was that if God wanted to, was He not able to fix the clutch supernaturally? Operating word being "if". Obviously not part of His plan this time. But again, with the prayer came peace. So I finally broke down and called my dad which I was completely dreading... Then I slipped momentarily in the peace category and started to cry a little. Jenna and Liz prayed over me again, and there it was again! Several cars stopped by and asked if we needed help. (People in Texas are really sweet, and they also have those adorable accents!)
Well, Liz called one of her friends, Leah, in Ft. Worth, who called a towing service, who told her they couldn't help her, but gave her another number. That is how Leah found Mike. Mike is your typical backroads, downhome, country type. He sports the flannel shirt, suspenders, stubble chin, and cigarette from the side of his mouth. He is probably in his 50's, has one of those amazing true Texas accents, and is not afraid to speak his mind!
He agreed to come pick us up, and brought his wife LouAnn along in her SUV to cart us back as well. We had planned on staking out a restaurant until Leah could make it the 1 and 1/2 hours from Ft. Worth to come pick us up and take us to her house for the night. However, when we got to talking to LouAnn, she wouldn't hear of it, and had us all come back to her house to stay. Both Mike and LouAnn showed us around their acreage, introducing us to their horses, donkey, tom turkey, and chickens!
Mike made phone calls around to some parts stores, tracked down a new clutch for us. His estimate for the total including the tow: $650. I kid you not. We were thinking 2G which was not only unfeasible, but also, none of us had! And here God had already made a way. (Isn't He amazing like that?) Mike also made some phone calls around to a couple buddies, and got them to come in the next day and help him drop the tranny. "These are good Christian kids, and we need to get them back on the road," was his line to his buddies to have them work on the weekend. He thought they could get it done by Sunday morning, exactly when we needed it to be able to get back to Manhattan. So sweet. Again, more prayers of thanks, and more peace.
Meanwhile, since we would be around a while... Mike and LouAnn decided to feed us. They fried up sausage, bacon, fresh eggs from the formerly mentioned chickens, biscuits, and we basically had a good old-fashioned country breakfast. One to the best meals that I have had in a long time! We got to talk to both of them, and learn about their lives. After supper we prayed with them for Mike's kidney stones, and for LouAnn's sister with cancer. Just pouring out our hearts to God for blessings on their family the way that they had blessed us! And also for healing. LouAnn was crying when we were done, and I was fairly close to tears myself. Just reveling in God's provision in our lives. More peace.
So we said goodbye to Mike and LouAnn, and jumped in the car with Leah to at least have a bed in Ft. Worth for the night. When we finally were able to calm down from the excitement of what all had happened. I was sitting there in the back of Leah's car, sandwiched between Liz and Jenna, wondering what in the world God was doing, while singing hymns along with the car stereo. It just completely hit me, that huge wave of peace, as I really began to praise the Lord for what He was able to do, is able to do, did, and would do!
Man, I knew it was going to be a good weekend!
Well, from Ft. Worth, we still were 1 and 1/2 hours from the conference. All of us really felt like we were still supposed to get there if we could. Well, easier said than done. All of us are underage to rent a car without a credit card, which none of us had. Amtrak doesn't run from Ft. Worth to Waco. Greyhound does, but tickets are like $2oo each! Exorbitant! Once again, a brick wall. Once again, more prayer. We were just about to give up, when down the hall comes Leah. "Hey, I was just thinking, why don't I just take you guys? I drove 1 and 1/2 hours to pick you up today, its 1 and 1/2 hours to Waco. I can take you." Bless her heart! Again prayers of thanks, floods of peace.
Well, we did finally make it to the conference. I was afraid that it might be anticlimactic after all that. But it really was very good. Neat to see people with passionate hearts for the nations, and clear understanding of what our calling is in relation to people that don't know God. Worship was amazing, the speakers spoke to my heart on more than one occasion, and the breakout sessions were exactly what I needed to hear to confirm my heart's calling (even though I didn't really say much about it at the time).
Still a lot of things to think about and sort through. But isn't God good?
There were still pockets of worry throughout the weekend, but for the most part, God had placed His hand of peace upon my heart. Which is quite liberating and I would have loved to enjoy, had I not been so completely tired for most of the weekend.
If we hadn't missed that turn, we never would have been on the road where Mike and LouAnn lived. If my clutch had gone out in Manhattan, I would either have paid $2,000 or been without a car for at least a week and paid for parts. Neither one can I really afford.
"For we know that all things work together for good, for those who love the Lord, and are called according to His purpose." rom 8:28
Again, isn't my God good??

"Cause I know my God saves the day, and I know His Word never fails, and I know my God made a way for me"

"Don't worry about anything, instead pray bout everything. Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. He'll keep your hearts and minds quite and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Cause You Had a Bad Day...

You know what song I am talking about right? Yeah, that was mostly my yesterday. I woke up so stressed, I could barely stand it. With too much school to work ahead on for this weekend, a positive PPD test on my arm, a test that I needed to get out of for Friday, lots of stuff to read, a test that I had to get a 100% on (I got a 72%, yeah, don't ask!), assignments to do online, etc... By the end of the day, I was working on a headache and my stomach was in knots (what it usually feels like when I get my stress induced stomach ulcers).
Sometimes I wonder what gets me through days like that? Of course I know what it is... but how often do I pay little to no attention to the only One getting me through my days.
Sucks to be me with this awful propensity to write any and everything, but the moment one of my assignments is to write something... my stupid brain freezes. And what was I thinking? I mean, it was a math test, and I opted to not use a calculator... hence my awful scores... well that and the fact that my brain just plain shut down, (cause normally I actually I can do longhand math)! I do get to retake my test however; I think I'll use a calculator this time! My PPD test proved to not be positive. (and by the way, for those of you who have absolutely no idea what a PPD is... it is a TB skin test that tests for exposure to tuberculosis. Which it is very possible that I was exposed to this summer while working at Mulago Hospital in Kampala, Uganda. They have an entire ward of TB patients.) I still have to get a chest x-ray on Monday to prove that I really don't have TB. *cough, cough* just kidding! But they have cleared me for the most part, and *awe* work pays for the chest x-ray, so no need to freak out about moneys for this! My teacher was really nice when I told her I was not going to be in class on Friday, and I actually got to come in this morning and take my test early! (One down!) My online assignment is turned in, and I have about 10 hours on the road this weekend to study and read all that stuff for my class! Yay! And last night at lifegroup my amazing sisters in Christ prayed over me and my stomach pains. This morning I woke up with a big fat... nothing. God completely took the pain.
My God is amazing. Just like to throw that out there. This morning is a new day, and a lot of the stress is completely gone. He's just too good to me!

Well, I have to run back to class now, take a orientation class, that I have taken multiple times for the last 6 semesters! Should be riveting!! (can you just feel my excitement?)

Love

So, God has been working on my lately... yeah, I know, He never really stops with that.
But lately His focus has been on Love.
And not your average, run of the mill, garden variety love, but that deep, sacrificial, laying down your life kind of unconditional love.
Started actually a week ago. Someone that I loved very much hurt me very badly, and before it was even all out on the table, I heard God's voice... oh-so-clearly... saying "You have to forgive that, Joanna." Now if there ever was a time that I had a viable reason to not forgive someone, this pretty much would have been it. It didn't seem right (from a moral standpoint) to forgive them, and it definitely didn't seem right from a human standpoint! But here was that Voice... "forgive!" And man, I didn't want to! I fought it all weekend, only stepped foot outside the house once, seriously considered getting drunk for the first time in my life, ate a lot of chocolate, and gave myself a migraine from thinking too hard! I even talked with people about it, got advice, tried to cry, cussed like a sailor, and cleaned house (you know I am stressed if ever I start cleaning!). I wanted to cry, I wanted to be fighting mad, I wanted to just feel something... anything! But God had already given the grace that I needed...
All I had to do was forgive. Not blot out, not forget, not replace it with trust... just forgive.
Somehow it is very freeing that God didn't ask me for any more than that. I don't have to trust the loved one, I don't have to forget what happened, I don't have to act like nothing is wrong. I just have to forgive.
So, I know you are all wondering... did I do it? Did I actually get down and dirty with God and ask Him to take away the resentment and crushed pride from my heart and fill it with His love and forgiveness?
Actually, the answer is yes.
Not that I think it is that simple. That you just ask and God's like "ZAP", and you are good to go. Although, don't get me wrong, I know He does some amazing stuff sometimes! But I think it will still be a process. I have to face the person, face my own fears, face the lack of trust issue, face always remembering... its not going to be easy. Its gonna require a day to day commitment to love with not my own human love, but with Christ's unconditional love.
Then, because I wrote that piece on being a nun and Mother Teresa, I looked up some of her sayings... A lot of them have to do with sacrificial love. The kind of love that keeps forgiving and not keeping track of offenses! The kind that gives, even when knowing that it'll get absolutely nothing in return! And it really does not matter. We all know, deep in our hearts, that what God wants of us is this unconditional, self-denying love. I think Jeff said something about this the other night at Ichthus too. But how often do we really try and get out there and practice this kind of love? Do I get P.O.'d when I am the only one serving? The only one doing my best at my job? Am I just getting done what needs done? Or am I genuinely stopping to take notice of people and situations in which I have an opportunity to give even more of myself away? Gosh, why does God ask so much of us? Wouldn't it be so much easier if He let us scrape by on our selfishness? And at the very same time that I am asking those questions... I already know the answer. No... resounding NO!
It would be easier, maybe from a human standpoint, but in the end nothing and no one would matter anymore. Ceasing to love = ceasing to live. Life's joys and sorrows are only felt and experienced because of the huge capacity for love that God has already programmed into our lives.
Now if I can only figure out this whole unconditional love thing... but, I think for right now, its going to have to be a one day at a time thing.

GrandmaB. and Me

Visiting my Grandma is one of my favoritest things to do. First of all, my Gma is one pretty cool lady. She is more like a friend to me than a Gma in a lot of ways. We talk about guys, we go to movies, hang out and talk about life, we tell each other secrets that her daughter/my mom don’t know about us, drive out of our way to see each other, have sleepovers, send each other random letters or e-mails… You know, the usual best friend sorts of things…

So, naturally I am spending some time at her house before starting back to school and getting crazy busy. We went to a movie this afternoon, flirted with the theater attendants, sat in the back of a completely empty theater and munched an entire bag of popcorn (before the credits were even over), and cried together over Marley and Me. Ahww… aren’t we so cute together? Love her!

So, me and my Gma went to a Mexican place for dinner tonight. First of all, it was in a hole in the wall in Podunk-ville Ks, which should have been my first clue. There were two other tables occupied when we came in, but we soon became the only customers in the place. Our waiter, bless his soul, was a nice guy, but wasn’t really all you could ask for in a waiter. Plus, he decided that I was a prime target for his lonely heart. (Why do I attract needy men? Seriously!) Some of the conversation was quite comical, however…

Waiter: Can I tell you something? You have really pretty eyes.

Me: Uhm, thanks

Walks away to do waiterish sorts of things

Gma: You be careful about using those eyes.

Me: I wasn’t using them on PURPOSE! They’re kinda stuck in my head!

Gma: Well, don’t go batting them!

Me: (defensively) I wasn’t!!

Later:

Waiter: Can I ask you something that guys aren’t supposed to ask girls? How old are you?

Me: (attempting to joke around) How old am I? 73.

Gma: (attempting to help out) Yeah, she wears it well, huh?

Waiter: (nervous chuckle)

Me: Actually I am 22.

Waiter: Yeah? Me too.

Later, while Gma uses the ladies room

Waiter: So, you’re 22 huh?

Me: Yep (are you sensing the effort that I am putting into these conversations??)

Waiter: So, do you have a job? Do you live around here?

Me: No, actually I don’t; I live in Manhattan. I’m just visiting my Grandma.

Waiter: (face obviously falling) Manhattan? (you can see the wheels turning as he calculates distance in his head)

Me: Yeah.

Getting ready to leave

Waiter: Well, even though you live in Manhattan. It was nice to meet you. Come in again when you are in town!

Me: Yeah, we’ll see. (thinking: “uhm, probably not, buddy, sorry!”)

Gma: (laying a tip down on the booth table, realizes she left it on my “side” and switches it to her side with a raised eyebrow at me)

Me: (laughs, overly amused by her obvious displeasure with our poor waiter's advances)

Fortunately this was the last of the awkward convos for the night… I had already prepared a response for the famous asking for the phone number question, but thankfully never had to use it! Phew! In other news, though, the enchiladas were quite tasty!

Sharing

Every once in a while I actually take my friends' advice, (yeah, novel idea, I know!) and check out something that they recommended. I agree with Liz though, movies are a bad thing to watch on recommendation, but songs on the other hand... well, I've had pretty good luck with those. Found some of my favorite artists by listening to something that my friends liked. My best friend when I was 18-19 taught me to love country music, my brother taught me to love hip-hop, my sister taught me to love Switchfoot and Natasha Bedingfield, my Bugos boys taught me to love Hillsong,... the list goes on...
I thought it would be fun to post links on here for some of the most uplifting ones that I have listened to recently!

My Favs, check 'em out:
Hold Me Now by Kirk Franklin
Joyful Noise by FLAME with Lecrae