Dreadful Decisions

I'm not really sure how to start this blog post except to say that I lost my job, and no, I don't really want to talk about it. But that is besides the point. As they are telling me that I am being let go, the only thing that I could think of was going through my head was, "Oh! Now I can go to Africa." Needless to say, you don't really want to be smiling in such a situation, so I held back this crazy feeling of joy and freedom that welled up as I realized I was free of a job that had been holding me in the States more than I knew.
This joy probably lasted only for the brief ride home, and then I promptly, in good 'ol Jo form, started freaking out! This lasted until I had a good long talk and mild cry with my dear soul friend while hiding out at her house for the next week. Thankfully I was already planning on spending some time with her, or I might have spent that weekend curled up in a ball on my bed in PJs. Okay, probably not that dramatic... but still...
Anyway, back here in old Manhappiness now, things start to get stressful and try as I might to not freak out again... I find the stress of my situation and the decisions that need to be made spilling into everything that I do. Totally cried when my dad was trying to give me advice about how to proceed. I think there was some concern that I was running away to Africa to get married! (Trust me Dad, I am not in a position to be doing anything so foolish at this point in time!)
But honestly, I have a position that I have applied for in Uganda, and they sounded kind of interested, which I am trying to take with a grain of salt, but its soooo hard, because I feel like hope is soaring!
I should preface this by saying that throughout this whole last semester I have been having conversations with my best friend about what is keeping me in the United States when my heart isn't in it, but wanting so badly to be in Uganda. I've known for the last 3.5 years that is where God wanted me to be, yet I've constantly been pushing it back. The myriad of excuses that I've come up with have surprised even me... I will tell anyone that asks and is willing to listen about how much I love Uganda and their culture and can tell you all sorts of strange things about it. But when it comes right down to it, I've been afraid of getting over there and being stuck without a job, or a place to stay, or adequate access to healthcare, or what have you. I've been terrified of what my parents and my grandma, and everyone that is practical in my life will say when I give up a good job, good pay, and nice little life for certain uncertainty in what is considered a third world country, or at best an emerging country.
But all this aside I have done something more dreadful than to be afraid. I have run from the very God who I was so close to in Uganda. Who guided my very footsteps there when I didn't want to go to an African country, Who held my hand the entire time I was there, and Who planted the seeds of love in my heart that I can't seem to pluck no matter how I try. Because every time I drew near to Him I could feel it. That longing of desire and the aching emptiness of knowing that I needed more than this snug little life here in Kansas. Knowing that He had made me for bigger things. And while I never would have said it out loud, I hid my heart from Him. Because I knew He would see the fear that was there, and I knew He would ask me to be obedient and quit procrastinating on the hard things. And I knew that He would demand more of me than I was willing to give up. Because its easy to give it up at first, but then when it comes down to individual items and objects, it becomes harder, until I find myself clinging desperately to the very things that will weigh me down to the grave that I so desperately fear. That grave of consumerism, living a mediocre comfortable life within the sound of a chapel bell.
And I tried sometimes to break loose from this and dance again in the sunlit meadows of Grace clinging to that desire that I knew would draw me again to Him and to what He has really made me for... but then once it started to draw me towards the path again, I found myself cowering in fear from the unknown that lay down that road and asking Him couldn't we please just stay here in the meadows where I could rejoice in Him, dare to dream, and just be happy? And allegorically, I can see His eager face above that outstretched hand fade slowly to sadness with this look that said, "Can you not trust Me, My child?" Sadly, every time that I chose to stay it pulled me away from Him that much more, til darkness and winter came to my meadow and once again the bog pulled me down until I needed rescuing again by His tender hand.
So given the chance to make that choice again, what do I do? Can I refuse the Hand that promises to lead me on a dangerous trail, but one that will bring me closer to Him? How can I? I must follow; I must obey.
I stand again in the sunlit meadow and the beginning of the path, and wait for You Lord to extend Your hand and show me the way.