Ephesians 2

So I've been reading in Ephesians and kinda breaking down each verse into truths for my life. This is good for me, but also a bit time consuming because it means that I have to think about each verse pretty in depth and try to pull out any nuggets of wisdom that I should treasure. Again... this is good. But its not exactly congruent with my fleshly nature which would rather rush through and check Ephesians off my list of to-do's. That much being said, when I've taken the time to sit down and think about these things, its been really lovely the insights and encouragement that God has revealed.
Anyway, just wanted to share some things from Chapter 2.

1. Verse 14-18 "For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in His flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in Himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which He put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through Him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit." -- Okay, this is going to be long. A). Let me start by saying, since I am sure that the included picture makes absolutely no sense to you right now, that I really, really want a tattoo on my wrist. I have one picked out and know exactly what and why I want it. However... I am trying this new thing where I honor my parents (I know, weird right?) and my dad had encouraged me a while back to not get tattoos, so until his ban is lifted I feel a bit constrained by my personal promise to try and honor him. That much being said... the tattoo that I want is the word "emirembe" on my wrist. "Emirembe" means "my peace" in Luganda. This has multiple different meanings for me (which I could do another post on at some point in time), but one of the main one's is that Christ is my peace. For this reason I love this verse. B). I love the part that it brings out about Christ uniting those of us who wouldn't normally get along, but under the covenant of His blood we are drawn together and united as one body. I feel like this really speaks to me too. As I am sure I have said a million times now, I am getting ready to try and go to Uganda for an extended time. One of the big issues that I run into there is of course the issue of my skin color being different. Of course its strange being a minority group, but there's also a natural prejudice against Americans because of their tendency to come in and take advantage of local people groups or to consider them less educated than themselves. One of the most beautiful experiences has been the conversations that I've been able to have with people when they said they realized that I was just like them. It was freeing for both of us to realize that we are brothers and sisters regardless of whatever external differences or alternate upbringings we bring with us to the table. But of course this is also true for people in the good 'ol U.S. too. I don't know how many times I have realized that some of the dearest friends of mine, or roommates, or people in my housechurch I wouldn't know at all if it weren't for Christ. And if I had known them apart from Christ... we definitely wouldn't have been friends! This is the beauty of what Christ does in our lives. He is continually drawing us together as His church and in reconciling both of us to Himself, He ends up putting to death our natural hostility towards one another. I believe this is also true of painful relationships from the past. In my own life, and in the lives of several godly women that I know, He's been working for restoration and complete peace between them and their former significant other in ways that are completely glorifying to Himself and enable them to release their emotional baggage at the foot of the cross and to walk together in pursuit of the Christ and the gospel. Its a beautiful display of His lavish grace and its effects when we allow it into our lives.

2. Verse 19-22 "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit."  -- A). Of course, everything goes back to Africa, right? Glad you figured that out about me! Guess you'll just have to deal with it though, as I don't see this changing anytime soon! That much being said... Of course foreigners and aliens struck a chord in my soul. Like I said, I've felt what it was like to be completely out of my element, surrounded by people who look and dress differently than me, who speak a different language, and who have completely different social norms which I may be violating at any given moment completely unbeknownst to me! But what a powerful illustration, that we are now not only fellow citizens and given all rights belonging to the citizens of God's people, but more than that, we are ushered into and adopted into the family, and given all rights of being part of the HOUSEHOLD of God. I know I know this concept, but somehow today it just struck me as being especially powerful. That God would freely incorporate us not just with legality, but also with warmth of affection as part of the family somehow just made so much sense today. Maybe it was just one of those days that I felt wrapped in His fathering embrace. B). Also, the moment that I thought about construction I thought of construction in Africa. I don't know if you can see the extreme sketchiness of this building situation clearly in this picture, but its crazy. There are literally a bunch of sticks supporting the concrete molds as they build up from the ground. Where you ask are the external, load bearing walls? That's what I want to know as well. Add to that the fact that the basement in the foreground was filled with easily a foot of standing water in a country that has a rainy season... Please note the fun little ramp made of brittle sticks for hauling construction supplies up to the next level. That much being said... this is exactly what I thought of when I read this passage. I guess something about the extreme improbability of it ever holding together reminded me of the work that Christ does in our lives and in our community of believers.

It shouldn't work; it should crumble in the first rain or strong wind. But Christ is our cornerstone and the giants of the faith that have gone before us are our foundation. And tens times better than that is the fact that not only is Christ that one stone that the whole thing is supported from, but He's also the mortar in between each and every chink of our lives holding us up and sticking us to each other. Through Him the whole building is joined together and rises... layer by sketchy layer... to become a dwelling place of God, and a holy temple dedicated to the Lord. And folks, that's pretty darn beautiful too...

Oceans [where feet may fail]

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

All the Questions

I feel at a loss recently to even begin to process the amount of questions that are being asked of me. I feel like every time that I turn around there is another question to answer, another situation where I need a game plan to address.
I used to be able to sit down with my Bible and my computer and a journal and just write and write until it all was spilled out on paper and I could fully process everything that needed answered. This just isn't the case anymore and its discouraging. Or maybe its more like my messy room, which doesn't actually take that long to organize, but just looking at the piles is overwhelming and I choose not to do it, afraid that I won't be able to accomplish it all or that I'll uncover something that will take even longer to do.
In a lot of respects I miss being able to write out everything and come to a place of peace. I wonder if I was ever supposed to loose that? I mean, from a spiritual perspective... does God allow me to loose that from time to time for my growth? Or is it something that I am lacking in relation to Him?
See... even talking about the questions brings up another set of questions. You can see how my avoidance of it all would be a valid option!
But I don't want to be that kind of girl, so I find that I have to face these tough decisions and I have to present a courageous face to new opportunities, and a loving farewell to my comfort zone of indecision.
Once a dear friend and mentor of mine (he's more like another uncle to me really) shared with me that any time I knew what the decision before me was and I knew the right choice, staying in indecision was as much disobedience to my Lord as if I had blatantly chosen the wrong.
I've come back to that truth many times in my life, and even passed it on a couple of times to other people who wrestled with choosing the right (but infinitely harder) thing. This is one of those times. But I will choose to do the next right thing. Boldly will I step forward where His hand leads. Shaking but unfaltering steps of confident obedience.
Its time to reload and regroup. Digging in is no longer an option, its time to go on the offensive. The battle plans are before us. We are charging the front lines and there is no room for error. Hesitation means death and indecision is weakness which the enemy may use to his advantage.
Will you choose to leave behind the questions and follow in the quest? I am.

Hard Things

Forgiveness and restoration
Those moments when you don't want to, but you do anyway
The past so hard to forget and a rut so hard to turn out of
Courage and honor
Which it takes to move forward
To be the bigger person and to love more fully
Sweet calm and peace
That settles over my heart as I remove my emotions
And choose instead a love that will not fade with time

His love over my faulty affections

What Race are You?

I understand that I am not allowed to write about racism given the fact that I was born with what they consider "white" skin to a middle class set of parents in the Midwestern United States. But I want to write about it all the same, and since the same constitution that gives me the right to be treated equally and to own my beautiful little Beretta also gives me the right to express my opinions without being guillotined, I think I shall take this opportunity.
Several things about racism in the US really tick me off.
A. One being that everyone likes to refer to Barack Obama as a "black" president because his skin is dark. He is, in fact, biracial which no one seems to understand or care about. As someone who been one half of a biracial couple in the past and contemplated planning a biracial family, this really irks me. What I see is that my nation is going to be more concentrated on a tone of someone's skin than the content of their character. Dr. King would be so disappointed.
B. I am required to fill out, on entry forms to college, medical forms, and other paperwork, my "racial and ethnic" background.  Does no one realize that by asking me that you are already essentially racial profiling me? I know that some people have set up private scholarships for their minority groups as far as education goes, but the very fact that we still separate people into "minority groups" means that we are already judging them by the color of their skin! Lets be real here folks! In the United States of America each and every person is supposed to have the same exact chances at getting ahead in life. You work hard and you take chances, grab opportunities, and you can succeed. Don't play a race card with me, or against me. Given the option I will always pick 'biracial' (technically I have a lot of mixed blood in my system), 'other', or 'prefer not to respond' on any and all forms.
C. And I know that I may hit a very sensitive nerve here... but I have friends with dark colored skin that act like the evil people who captured and sold their ancestors as slaves are still alive and kicking today ready to take them back into slavery if they don't stand up and usurp their "rights". I'm like, 'gurl... sit your butt down, aint nobody up in here tryna do nothin' to you.' First of all, I don't know of anyone in my family tree that even owned or traded slaves, and second, even if I did... that wasn't me. Are you going to keep judging me for some slight that happened to your family back in the day? I wasn't a part of it. In fact, neither were you. Yes, all our lives get impacted by our pasts. Part of my family fled religious persecution in Holland to come to the U.S.. Another of my family was an unwanted little girl shipped out on an orphan train bound west to serve as servants for pioneer families who needed extra farm hands. We all have a story and a history and the more we learn about our ancestors stories the more we learn how we came to be ourselves. But don't let it stop at hatred or bitterness for a past that neither you nor I can change. Instead let it be a stepping stone towards a new and brighter future. Lets quit making portraits in honor of Dr. King and actually listen to what his speeches were about. Lets actually change our lives to reflect a society where each and every person is treated with the same kind of deference.
D. I have "white" friends who are what most people would consider slightly racist. Do they have black friends? Yes, they do. Are they still afraid that they will get mugged in the "black" parts of town after hours? Yes, they are. I was actually told by one of my friends that it could actually be unsafe for me to hang out with my black boyfriend in their town. They live in the freakin' "Bible belt". That upsets me to no end. But I see very little I can do to change that other than to be unafraid to act as if with impunity and to never allow racist comments in my presence. My friends know that about me and respect me for it.
E. One of my very bestest friends in the whole wide world is darker than a midnight sky. This is largely due to the fact that she is from actual Africa itself. She admitted to me once that before she got to know me she was racist. She hated white people and I see why. In Africa especially I see racism taken to a whole new level as outsiders come in and act like the native residents don't know anything. Sadly I've met more and more people who have had this exact same experience. My friend is a very intelligent woman, and she deserves to be treated like that. By anyone. If I catch you treating one my friends badly... oh, buddy...
That's my rant for the day. Sorry if its offensive to anyone. I really just wish more than (most) anything in the world that people would just look at one another and see them for who they really are and not for any predisposed notion of who or what they are based on looks.

Also... as a complete side note, I'm pretty sure that facebook thinks I am have dark skin... they keep giving me adds to "meet faithful black men in your area looking for Christian black women."

Overheard at the Coffee Shop

The ladies at the table right next to mine just said, "Good things happen to good people. You just need to get rid of this negative energy."
I find this whole conversation extremely sad.
Its sad that we are so proud as to think of ourselves as good people.
Its sad that we think we deserve "good things" to happen to us.
And its really sad that at some point this whole premise for their life is going to fall apart when really bad things happen to their "good" people.
But maybe that's actually happy, because then they'll realize their need for Jesus!

Community

I didn't really realize what it was that I was missing. I knew there was something wrong. Something that I was lacking. Maybe I've always been missing it. I can remember only a few times in my life when I've really felt like maybe I had it.
community.
In the past semester I have watched my personal and spiritual life go from mediocre to bad to worse. How could I neglect something so sacred? so vital to who I am/ to everything I am? Don't ask me, I don't know. But I know I faced the same temptations that everyone else around me faces. The pressure of being busy, of running yourself ragged, of procrastinating, of pushing it to the back burner... for just today, just this week, just a couple more days, this month, this semester... Except for one thing. I faced all of those temptations...
alone.
I don't think most of you will really understand this. Maybe you can't ever. I think part of it is how I grew up. I was a very independent girl for most of my growing up years. I guess I've always just had a bent that way, you can ask my parents. Part of it might have been because I wasn't the little kid that had to be taken care of, but the older kid taking care of the little one for a majority of the time that I remember. Or maybe it was just cause I got lost in a sea of kids and learned that bringing up my issues and emotions just made things more complicated. Pushing everything inside made the community run smoother. Sad, push it down; lonely, too bad; mad, suppress that sucker but good.
For whatever reason I think that I have grown up with a mindset that everything I need, I can merely do for/attain for myself.
I had a long talk with a very Godly woman the other day about this. I think she was right when she said that is not the way that God intended for it to be.
** This much I had started writing some time ago (I think, late fall of 2011), and only just realized that I had never published, so allow me to finish the thought...
community...  is this strange concept in my mind. I'm terribly clumsy at it. I hate depending on others and I will routinely go out of my way to be self sufficient.
I decided (partly because of my Dad's urging, and partly because of a few godly girls) to live in the VFS community this last year. This last fall semester, for a myriad of different reasons, was a hot mess. From having roommates change several times, to differing conflict resolution styles, to going through some pretty (pardon my French) tough crap together... we had one heck of a ride. But having come through all of that, I can definitely say that there wasn't a day when I sought God that He wasn't completely faithful. I know that's always true, but I think I just noticed it more this last semester as I sought to come to terms with really living in a loving way with others.
Before, I had always had an out. If I wasn't feeling like being social or working things out, I could always retreat back to my house. Most of the time that I was really seeking to live for God, this had been true. I viewed my own home as a negative space where nothing that I said or did mattered. This was painfully obvious when I was still living with my parents, because despite my resolve towards seeking God at church or biblestudy or wherever else always became non-existent the moment I walked through the door at home. Unfortunately, my poor family had to deal with the fall out from that erroneous mindset.
So living with 2 girls after I moved out was in some ways very similar. We all had our own rooms and when you went in your room and closed the door, that was pretty much the end of the story. Yes, we had our differences, but I think a lot of issues were just bottled by our simple avoidance of each other.
After that, I lived alone for two years. Obviously very easy to be my usual hermit self when I lived by myself.
Transplant me to a small 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment with 4 other girls and you can only imagine what went down....
Lets just say it was an extreme wake up call to my own selfishness and independence. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my roommates, even the ones that didn't stay living with us... but sometimes people do or say things that really rub other people the wrong way, and I am by no means the least offender in that area.
Its been a learning and growing and changing time and as I look at new plans for the summer and the fall I find myself a little sad that its all coming to a close. God has truly given me a heart of love for these girls and I am going to be sad to play a lesser role in their lives, no matter what that ends up looking like.
Despite every inconvenience or difference, God has really taught and grown each one of us. I see so many new sprouts of maturity in each of our lives that its super encouraging. He's also taught me that there are many things I can't go through on my own. I need to reach out sometimes. I actually need other people. Namely, my church family.
This probably seems like old news to all of you, but to me this is kinda a wake up moment. I always assumed that my church and I operated as separate entities. They could get along fine without me, and I without them. For years I've heard people talk about how important the church is, and I just assumed they said that to make themselves feel better about how ridiculously committed they were to it. Funny when suddenly everything suddenly makes sense...