Forgiveness and restoration
Those moments when you don't want to, but you do anyway
The past so hard to forget and a rut so hard to turn out of
Courage and honor
Which it takes to move forward
To be the bigger person and to love more fully
Sweet calm and peace
That settles over my heart as I remove my emotions
And choose instead a love that will not fade with time
His love over my faulty affections
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
What Race are You?
I understand that I am not allowed to write about racism given the fact that I was born with what they consider "white" skin to a middle class set of parents in the Midwestern United States. But I want to write about it all the same, and since the same constitution that gives me the right to be treated equally and to own my beautiful little Beretta also gives me the right to express my opinions without being guillotined, I think I shall take this opportunity.
Several things about racism in the US really tick me off.
A. One being that everyone likes to refer to Barack Obama as a "black" president because his skin is dark. He is, in fact, biracial which no one seems to understand or care about. As someone who been one half of a biracial couple in the past and contemplated planning a biracial family, this really irks me. What I see is that my nation is going to be more concentrated on a tone of someone's skin than the content of their character. Dr. King would be so disappointed.
B. I am required to fill out, on entry forms to college, medical forms, and other paperwork, my "racial and ethnic" background. Does no one realize that by asking me that you are already essentially racial profiling me? I know that some people have set up private scholarships for their minority groups as far as education goes, but the very fact that we still separate people into "minority groups" means that we are already judging them by the color of their skin! Lets be real here folks! In the United States of America each and every person is supposed to have the same exact chances at getting ahead in life. You work hard and you take chances, grab opportunities, and you can succeed. Don't play a race card with me, or against me. Given the option I will always pick 'biracial' (technically I have a lot of mixed blood in my system), 'other', or 'prefer not to respond' on any and all forms.
C. And I know that I may hit a very sensitive nerve here... but I have friends with dark colored skin that act like the evil people who captured and sold their ancestors as slaves are still alive and kicking today ready to take them back into slavery if they don't stand up and usurp their "rights". I'm like, 'gurl... sit your butt down, aint nobody up in here tryna do nothin' to you.' First of all, I don't know of anyone in my family tree that even owned or traded slaves, and second, even if I did... that wasn't me. Are you going to keep judging me for some slight that happened to your family back in the day? I wasn't a part of it. In fact, neither were you. Yes, all our lives get impacted by our pasts. Part of my family fled religious persecution in Holland to come to the U.S.. Another of my family was an unwanted little girl shipped out on an orphan train bound west to serve as servants for pioneer families who needed extra farm hands. We all have a story and a history and the more we learn about our ancestors stories the more we learn how we came to be ourselves. But don't let it stop at hatred or bitterness for a past that neither you nor I can change. Instead let it be a stepping stone towards a new and brighter future. Lets quit making portraits in honor of Dr. King and actually listen to what his speeches were about. Lets actually change our lives to reflect a society where each and every person is treated with the same kind of deference.
D. I have "white" friends who are what most people would consider slightly racist. Do they have black friends? Yes, they do. Are they still afraid that they will get mugged in the "black" parts of town after hours? Yes, they are. I was actually told by one of my friends that it could actually be unsafe for me to hang out with my black boyfriend in their town. They live in the freakin' "Bible belt". That upsets me to no end. But I see very little I can do to change that other than to be unafraid to act as if with impunity and to never allow racist comments in my presence. My friends know that about me and respect me for it.
E. One of my very bestest friends in the whole wide world is darker than a midnight sky. This is largely due to the fact that she is from actual Africa itself. She admitted to me once that before she got to know me she was racist. She hated white people and I see why. In Africa especially I see racism taken to a whole new level as outsiders come in and act like the native residents don't know anything. Sadly I've met more and more people who have had this exact same experience. My friend is a very intelligent woman, and she deserves to be treated like that. By anyone. If I catch you treating one my friends badly... oh, buddy...
That's my rant for the day. Sorry if its offensive to anyone. I really just wish more than (most) anything in the world that people would just look at one another and see them for who they really are and not for any predisposed notion of who or what they are based on looks.
Also... as a complete side note, I'm pretty sure that facebook thinks I am have dark skin... they keep giving me adds to "meet faithful black men in your area looking for Christian black women."
Several things about racism in the US really tick me off.
A. One being that everyone likes to refer to Barack Obama as a "black" president because his skin is dark. He is, in fact, biracial which no one seems to understand or care about. As someone who been one half of a biracial couple in the past and contemplated planning a biracial family, this really irks me. What I see is that my nation is going to be more concentrated on a tone of someone's skin than the content of their character. Dr. King would be so disappointed.
B. I am required to fill out, on entry forms to college, medical forms, and other paperwork, my "racial and ethnic" background. Does no one realize that by asking me that you are already essentially racial profiling me? I know that some people have set up private scholarships for their minority groups as far as education goes, but the very fact that we still separate people into "minority groups" means that we are already judging them by the color of their skin! Lets be real here folks! In the United States of America each and every person is supposed to have the same exact chances at getting ahead in life. You work hard and you take chances, grab opportunities, and you can succeed. Don't play a race card with me, or against me. Given the option I will always pick 'biracial' (technically I have a lot of mixed blood in my system), 'other', or 'prefer not to respond' on any and all forms.
C. And I know that I may hit a very sensitive nerve here... but I have friends with dark colored skin that act like the evil people who captured and sold their ancestors as slaves are still alive and kicking today ready to take them back into slavery if they don't stand up and usurp their "rights". I'm like, 'gurl... sit your butt down, aint nobody up in here tryna do nothin' to you.' First of all, I don't know of anyone in my family tree that even owned or traded slaves, and second, even if I did... that wasn't me. Are you going to keep judging me for some slight that happened to your family back in the day? I wasn't a part of it. In fact, neither were you. Yes, all our lives get impacted by our pasts. Part of my family fled religious persecution in Holland to come to the U.S.. Another of my family was an unwanted little girl shipped out on an orphan train bound west to serve as servants for pioneer families who needed extra farm hands. We all have a story and a history and the more we learn about our ancestors stories the more we learn how we came to be ourselves. But don't let it stop at hatred or bitterness for a past that neither you nor I can change. Instead let it be a stepping stone towards a new and brighter future. Lets quit making portraits in honor of Dr. King and actually listen to what his speeches were about. Lets actually change our lives to reflect a society where each and every person is treated with the same kind of deference.
D. I have "white" friends who are what most people would consider slightly racist. Do they have black friends? Yes, they do. Are they still afraid that they will get mugged in the "black" parts of town after hours? Yes, they are. I was actually told by one of my friends that it could actually be unsafe for me to hang out with my black boyfriend in their town. They live in the freakin' "Bible belt". That upsets me to no end. But I see very little I can do to change that other than to be unafraid to act as if with impunity and to never allow racist comments in my presence. My friends know that about me and respect me for it.
E. One of my very bestest friends in the whole wide world is darker than a midnight sky. This is largely due to the fact that she is from actual Africa itself. She admitted to me once that before she got to know me she was racist. She hated white people and I see why. In Africa especially I see racism taken to a whole new level as outsiders come in and act like the native residents don't know anything. Sadly I've met more and more people who have had this exact same experience. My friend is a very intelligent woman, and she deserves to be treated like that. By anyone. If I catch you treating one my friends badly... oh, buddy...
That's my rant for the day. Sorry if its offensive to anyone. I really just wish more than (most) anything in the world that people would just look at one another and see them for who they really are and not for any predisposed notion of who or what they are based on looks.
Also... as a complete side note, I'm pretty sure that facebook thinks I am have dark skin... they keep giving me adds to "meet faithful black men in your area looking for Christian black women."
Monday, March 4, 2013
Overheard at the Coffee Shop
The ladies at the table right next to mine just said, "Good things happen to good people. You just need to get rid of this negative energy."
I find this whole conversation extremely sad.
Its sad that we are so proud as to think of ourselves as good people.
Its sad that we think we deserve "good things" to happen to us.
And its really sad that at some point this whole premise for their life is going to fall apart when really bad things happen to their "good" people.
But maybe that's actually happy, because then they'll realize their need for Jesus!
I find this whole conversation extremely sad.
Its sad that we are so proud as to think of ourselves as good people.
Its sad that we think we deserve "good things" to happen to us.
And its really sad that at some point this whole premise for their life is going to fall apart when really bad things happen to their "good" people.
But maybe that's actually happy, because then they'll realize their need for Jesus!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Community
I didn't really realize what it was that I was missing. I knew there was something wrong. Something that I was lacking. Maybe I've always been missing it. I can remember only a few times in my life when I've really felt like maybe I had it.
community.
In the past semester I have watched my personal and spiritual life go from mediocre to bad to worse. How could I neglect something so sacred? so vital to who I am/ to everything I am? Don't ask me, I don't know. But I know I faced the same temptations that everyone else around me faces. The pressure of being busy, of running yourself ragged, of procrastinating, of pushing it to the back burner... for just today, just this week, just a couple more days, this month, this semester... Except for one thing. I faced all of those temptations...
alone.
I don't think most of you will really understand this. Maybe you can't ever. I think part of it is how I grew up. I was a very independent girl for most of my growing up years. I guess I've always just had a bent that way, you can ask my parents. Part of it might have been because I wasn't the little kid that had to be taken care of, but the older kid taking care of the little one for a majority of the time that I remember. Or maybe it was just cause I got lost in a sea of kids and learned that bringing up my issues and emotions just made things more complicated. Pushing everything inside made the community run smoother. Sad, push it down; lonely, too bad; mad, suppress that sucker but good.
For whatever reason I think that I have grown up with a mindset that everything I need, I can merely do for/attain for myself.
I had a long talk with a very Godly woman the other day about this. I think she was right when she said that is not the way that God intended for it to be.
** This much I had started writing some time ago (I think, late fall of 2011), and only just realized that I had never published, so allow me to finish the thought...
community... is this strange concept in my mind. I'm terribly clumsy at it. I hate depending on others and I will routinely go out of my way to be self sufficient.
I decided (partly because of my Dad's urging, and partly because of a few godly girls) to live in the VFS community this last year. This last fall semester, for a myriad of different reasons, was a hot mess. From having roommates change several times, to differing conflict resolution styles, to going through some pretty (pardon my French) tough crap together... we had one heck of a ride. But having come through all of that, I can definitely say that there wasn't a day when I sought God that He wasn't completely faithful. I know that's always true, but I think I just noticed it more this last semester as I sought to come to terms with really living in a loving way with others.
Before, I had always had an out. If I wasn't feeling like being social or working things out, I could always retreat back to my house. Most of the time that I was really seeking to live for God, this had been true. I viewed my own home as a negative space where nothing that I said or did mattered. This was painfully obvious when I was still living with my parents, because despite my resolve towards seeking God at church or biblestudy or wherever else always became non-existent the moment I walked through the door at home. Unfortunately, my poor family had to deal with the fall out from that erroneous mindset.
So living with 2 girls after I moved out was in some ways very similar. We all had our own rooms and when you went in your room and closed the door, that was pretty much the end of the story. Yes, we had our differences, but I think a lot of issues were just bottled by our simple avoidance of each other.
After that, I lived alone for two years. Obviously very easy to be my usual hermit self when I lived by myself.
Transplant me to a small 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment with 4 other girls and you can only imagine what went down....
Lets just say it was an extreme wake up call to my own selfishness and independence. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my roommates, even the ones that didn't stay living with us... but sometimes people do or say things that really rub other people the wrong way, and I am by no means the least offender in that area.
Its been a learning and growing and changing time and as I look at new plans for the summer and the fall I find myself a little sad that its all coming to a close. God has truly given me a heart of love for these girls and I am going to be sad to play a lesser role in their lives, no matter what that ends up looking like.
Despite every inconvenience or difference, God has really taught and grown each one of us. I see so many new sprouts of maturity in each of our lives that its super encouraging. He's also taught me that there are many things I can't go through on my own. I need to reach out sometimes. I actually need other people. Namely, my church family.
This probably seems like old news to all of you, but to me this is kinda a wake up moment. I always assumed that my church and I operated as separate entities. They could get along fine without me, and I without them. For years I've heard people talk about how important the church is, and I just assumed they said that to make themselves feel better about how ridiculously committed they were to it. Funny when suddenly everything suddenly makes sense...
community.
In the past semester I have watched my personal and spiritual life go from mediocre to bad to worse. How could I neglect something so sacred? so vital to who I am/ to everything I am? Don't ask me, I don't know. But I know I faced the same temptations that everyone else around me faces. The pressure of being busy, of running yourself ragged, of procrastinating, of pushing it to the back burner... for just today, just this week, just a couple more days, this month, this semester... Except for one thing. I faced all of those temptations...
alone.
I don't think most of you will really understand this. Maybe you can't ever. I think part of it is how I grew up. I was a very independent girl for most of my growing up years. I guess I've always just had a bent that way, you can ask my parents. Part of it might have been because I wasn't the little kid that had to be taken care of, but the older kid taking care of the little one for a majority of the time that I remember. Or maybe it was just cause I got lost in a sea of kids and learned that bringing up my issues and emotions just made things more complicated. Pushing everything inside made the community run smoother. Sad, push it down; lonely, too bad; mad, suppress that sucker but good.
For whatever reason I think that I have grown up with a mindset that everything I need, I can merely do for/attain for myself.
I had a long talk with a very Godly woman the other day about this. I think she was right when she said that is not the way that God intended for it to be.
** This much I had started writing some time ago (I think, late fall of 2011), and only just realized that I had never published, so allow me to finish the thought...
community... is this strange concept in my mind. I'm terribly clumsy at it. I hate depending on others and I will routinely go out of my way to be self sufficient.
I decided (partly because of my Dad's urging, and partly because of a few godly girls) to live in the VFS community this last year. This last fall semester, for a myriad of different reasons, was a hot mess. From having roommates change several times, to differing conflict resolution styles, to going through some pretty (pardon my French) tough crap together... we had one heck of a ride. But having come through all of that, I can definitely say that there wasn't a day when I sought God that He wasn't completely faithful. I know that's always true, but I think I just noticed it more this last semester as I sought to come to terms with really living in a loving way with others.
Before, I had always had an out. If I wasn't feeling like being social or working things out, I could always retreat back to my house. Most of the time that I was really seeking to live for God, this had been true. I viewed my own home as a negative space where nothing that I said or did mattered. This was painfully obvious when I was still living with my parents, because despite my resolve towards seeking God at church or biblestudy or wherever else always became non-existent the moment I walked through the door at home. Unfortunately, my poor family had to deal with the fall out from that erroneous mindset.
So living with 2 girls after I moved out was in some ways very similar. We all had our own rooms and when you went in your room and closed the door, that was pretty much the end of the story. Yes, we had our differences, but I think a lot of issues were just bottled by our simple avoidance of each other.
After that, I lived alone for two years. Obviously very easy to be my usual hermit self when I lived by myself.
Transplant me to a small 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment with 4 other girls and you can only imagine what went down....
Lets just say it was an extreme wake up call to my own selfishness and independence. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my roommates, even the ones that didn't stay living with us... but sometimes people do or say things that really rub other people the wrong way, and I am by no means the least offender in that area.
Its been a learning and growing and changing time and as I look at new plans for the summer and the fall I find myself a little sad that its all coming to a close. God has truly given me a heart of love for these girls and I am going to be sad to play a lesser role in their lives, no matter what that ends up looking like.
Despite every inconvenience or difference, God has really taught and grown each one of us. I see so many new sprouts of maturity in each of our lives that its super encouraging. He's also taught me that there are many things I can't go through on my own. I need to reach out sometimes. I actually need other people. Namely, my church family.
This probably seems like old news to all of you, but to me this is kinda a wake up moment. I always assumed that my church and I operated as separate entities. They could get along fine without me, and I without them. For years I've heard people talk about how important the church is, and I just assumed they said that to make themselves feel better about how ridiculously committed they were to it. Funny when suddenly everything suddenly makes sense...
Monday, January 28, 2013
A Whispering Shout
can you feel the longing
tugging at your heart
whispers of nostalgia
as if a memory of something well known
very long ago
swept in on the spring breeze
there's fresh life
somehow breathed into its very air
it tugs at your tendrils
and plays cool on warm cheeks
murmuring an invitation in hushed tones
He's calling you
in the crackling dry leaves He sings a sonnet
with the very wind He caresses your cheek
and it comes creeping back
peaceful and still as the evening air
then building and rushing like the mounting breeze
until it fills your lungs
your being
your essence
spilling in glorious light from your eyes
laughing in quiet cheerfulness from your lips
dancing its way down once icy fingers
spilling sunshine of hope on once blank page
He's calling
and it stirs inside
a fire of hope and passion and longing and dreams
more than what you've ever desired
awakens unfettered
and spreads its wings as if to soar
fearful that this will pass
that tomorrow the beckoning won't come
once again drab will sink its ugly claws
deeper still into a polluted soul
so jump and soar while the chance is here
and fail not
and fall not
sink no more to rise
dare not to hope this may endure
but He's calling
to your surprise He has been all along
maybe it was only the taste of spring
that awakened your heart to listen
and it is constant
He's calling if we listen
every time its akin to spring
fresh and poignant in its zest
boring deep into our souls
igniting flames
if we open ourselves to it
stand arms akimbo and let it rush over us
bare our hearts and allow it to consume us
borne thus on the wings of a spring time breeze
He's calling
Isaiah 35:3-10
tugging at your heart
whispers of nostalgia
as if a memory of something well known
very long ago
swept in on the spring breeze
there's fresh life
somehow breathed into its very air
it tugs at your tendrils
and plays cool on warm cheeks
murmuring an invitation in hushed tones
He's calling you
in the crackling dry leaves He sings a sonnet
with the very wind He caresses your cheek
and it comes creeping back
peaceful and still as the evening air
then building and rushing like the mounting breeze
until it fills your lungs
your being
your essence
spilling in glorious light from your eyes
laughing in quiet cheerfulness from your lips
dancing its way down once icy fingers
spilling sunshine of hope on once blank page
He's calling
and it stirs inside
a fire of hope and passion and longing and dreams
more than what you've ever desired
awakens unfettered
and spreads its wings as if to soar
fearful that this will pass
that tomorrow the beckoning won't come
once again drab will sink its ugly claws
deeper still into a polluted soul
so jump and soar while the chance is here
and fail not
and fall not
sink no more to rise
dare not to hope this may endure
but He's calling
to your surprise He has been all along
maybe it was only the taste of spring
that awakened your heart to listen
and it is constant
He's calling if we listen
every time its akin to spring
fresh and poignant in its zest
boring deep into our souls
igniting flames
if we open ourselves to it
stand arms akimbo and let it rush over us
bare our hearts and allow it to consume us
borne thus on the wings of a spring time breeze
He's calling
Isaiah 35:3-10
Friday, January 18, 2013
Romans 5
suffering
the long and weary road stretches in front of me
endless miles of pain
each step more arduous than the last
yet i walk through it
i know more acutely
the depths of Your love and intent of Your presence
the harder the road
the more i cling to You
perseverance
because its hard to pick up again
drag yourself into another day of this
but i do
by Your strength i do
You give me enough of You so i can
and each new day brings new peace
more resolve, more grace
a little more of You in me
character
i see You building it
when i take a good long hard look back
i see how each time hard things came
that was Your ultimate goal
You are growing me
in little ways and long struggles
in sleepless nights and battles with the enemy
Your gentle hands are fashioning beauty
hope
how i've been longing for it
and yet dreading it
freedom to soar
knowledge that this isn't all
a bigger dream and faith than i'd conjured
in my finite mind
but You knew no bounds
so You gave it freely, releasing my heart
no disappointment
immediately relief sweeps
over a tired and jaded heart
aching from so many let downs
Your promise rings true
You won't
and the rest and peace is bliss
knowing You'll always come through
no worry, no fear, no pain
Your Love
poured out, freely given
superfluity of grace
abundance of compassion
standard of justice
yet caring for the singular soul
it fills my chest to capacity
and spills with reckless abandon
blanketing the rest of this life
the long and weary road stretches in front of me
endless miles of pain
each step more arduous than the last
yet i walk through it
i know more acutely
the depths of Your love and intent of Your presence
the harder the road
the more i cling to You
perseverance
because its hard to pick up again
drag yourself into another day of this
but i do
by Your strength i do
You give me enough of You so i can
and each new day brings new peace
more resolve, more grace
a little more of You in me
character
i see You building it
when i take a good long hard look back
i see how each time hard things came
that was Your ultimate goal
You are growing me
in little ways and long struggles
in sleepless nights and battles with the enemy
Your gentle hands are fashioning beauty
hope
how i've been longing for it
and yet dreading it
freedom to soar
knowledge that this isn't all
a bigger dream and faith than i'd conjured
in my finite mind
but You knew no bounds
so You gave it freely, releasing my heart
no disappointment
immediately relief sweeps
over a tired and jaded heart
aching from so many let downs
Your promise rings true
You won't
and the rest and peace is bliss
knowing You'll always come through
no worry, no fear, no pain
Your Love
poured out, freely given
superfluity of grace
abundance of compassion
standard of justice
yet caring for the singular soul
it fills my chest to capacity
and spills with reckless abandon
blanketing the rest of this life
Life is Crazy... like... crazy
The other day my Grandma told me that she was getting a miniature pony.
*Shell-shock.
She plans to walk it every day up and down the lane to get exercise.
*Shell-shock.
His name is Rhett, as in Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind.
*Still in shock.
Her husband is building a shed for it on the back of their property, and she plans the surprise reveal to the rest of my family at Christmas time.
*Definite feeling that I am being punk'd.
As usually happens in December, I have no flexible spending budget left and a bunch more Christmas presents to buy. Oh well... I got all the important people done already: my Mom, my nephew, and my roommates (you have to keep the people you live with placated... they know where and when you sleep...). I think its time to start breaking out the homemade gifts!
Got reproved by someone in my church family for the first time the other day. I had been totally anxious about this happening for some time now. Well it finally happened. I was always afraid I would start World War III if this happened, but actually I just felt really ashamed that it had to happen at all. I guess that's the difference between speaking the truth in love and leveling judgement. Definitely something to keep in mind if I ever have to be in that situation myself.
So I went to Africa over Christmas break. Yeah, I know. I'm officially crazy and stuff... In answer to your question: it was really good. I'm sorry to say that I don't really know yet what God is going to have for me there, but I definitely still feel the same amount of overwhelming love for the people and situations that I encounter there. Why does God make/break our hearts for certain places that are so far away and so hard to get to? Does He really just want to know if I'll follow? If so, I'd better get busy following!
I really, really want to see Les Miserables! But I really can't bring myself to go to the theater to see it.
I got my hair braided. I'd wanted it for ever so long... but now that I have it... I kinda feel like its a pain in the butt. I don't think it'll last much longer.
*Shell-shock.
She plans to walk it every day up and down the lane to get exercise.
*Shell-shock.
His name is Rhett, as in Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind.
*Still in shock.
Her husband is building a shed for it on the back of their property, and she plans the surprise reveal to the rest of my family at Christmas time.
*Definite feeling that I am being punk'd.
As usually happens in December, I have no flexible spending budget left and a bunch more Christmas presents to buy. Oh well... I got all the important people done already: my Mom, my nephew, and my roommates (you have to keep the people you live with placated... they know where and when you sleep...). I think its time to start breaking out the homemade gifts!
Got reproved by someone in my church family for the first time the other day. I had been totally anxious about this happening for some time now. Well it finally happened. I was always afraid I would start World War III if this happened, but actually I just felt really ashamed that it had to happen at all. I guess that's the difference between speaking the truth in love and leveling judgement. Definitely something to keep in mind if I ever have to be in that situation myself.
So I went to Africa over Christmas break. Yeah, I know. I'm officially crazy and stuff... In answer to your question: it was really good. I'm sorry to say that I don't really know yet what God is going to have for me there, but I definitely still feel the same amount of overwhelming love for the people and situations that I encounter there. Why does God make/break our hearts for certain places that are so far away and so hard to get to? Does He really just want to know if I'll follow? If so, I'd better get busy following!
I really, really want to see Les Miserables! But I really can't bring myself to go to the theater to see it.
I got my hair braided. I'd wanted it for ever so long... but now that I have it... I kinda feel like its a pain in the butt. I don't think it'll last much longer.
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