Wondering...

Well I was seriously considering ranting about all the people in my life recently that have made it drama-filled... but honestly, I can't even go there without some animosity creeping up on me, so I'll just say that this life is a crazy roller coaster ride and not without its "soap-opera-ish" moments.

Part of me can't help but wonder though if it is directly in relation to this part of my life that I've been trying to surrender completely to my God. Namely: my patience. (or lack thereof more appropriately).

Patience is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember (forbearance and long-suffering going hand in hand with that). I remember those long (what seemed like hours) waiting for my dad to finish talking at church or where ever we were so we could finally leave and go home. I remember how many times I had to suffer through babies crying til it wore on my last nerve and I just wanted to yell at them to shut up or bop them upside the head! (granted this was when I was like less than 10. Don't get it twisted, I don't abuse babies!) I've always been waiting on something or someone my entire life. Waiting for my parents or siblings, waiting to finally get done with school, waiting for my prince charming, waiting for... the list continues ad infinitum...

Lately, its been in relation to His timing for my return to the "home country", and especially in a couple of relationships in my life. Oh how I need this patience in my life. Vital like oxygen.

Dictionary.com defines patience as:

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Yeah, I could really use all 3 of those things. So I think God's been purposely setting me up with situations in my life where those will be hard to come by. A test of sorts for the steel of my resolve to become more patient. And of course I can't become more patient on my own accord. I realize this. I think I learn better when given a demonstration, so unfortunately God knows this about me and is taking me through the ropes of my "learning experience".

Needless to say I have so much farther to go. I think Step #1 though is to just stop. Stop fussing about things, stop being irritated, stop finding it an inconvenience or a nuisance that things don't happen at my preferred speed. I know that sounds like a "duh" step, but how often do we do it? We can't completely combat this impatience without stomping on some behavior or attitude that is originally causing it... hence the "chill out" step. Step #2 (and yes, I am making these steps up as I type... what of it?) is to be grateful. When you are thankful for the things that God has done for you, or the times He has brought you through or the plans He has revealed to you its very hard to be impatient about the rest! I know I especially was noticing this the other day when I was talking to a friend about my dreams for the future. Now these dreams have been a huge place of impatience in my life because if you asked me when I wanted to move to Africa, I will flat out tell you "3 years ago" or "yesterday" or something along those lines (and in fact I did in that conversation), but I was struck by something my friend said. That she wished God had even given her that much of a dream, cause she honestly didn't know where God was going to lead her after school. I was kinda taken aback and had to realize that God has given me enough. I should be grateful for the dreams He has planted and consistently watered in my heart. I don't know all the rest of the steps yet, but somehow I think these are a good enough starting place. In fact, I could probably reasonably spend the rest of my life working on just these 2 steps!! Oh sigh! haha... well, I got my work cut out for me; I'd better get busy!